Existing, not living (Life)

duckeggblue

ceebeeby wrote: »

My head is so far buried in the sand it taking a while to see the sunshine.

Also, I'm not convinced that I'm as squeaky clean in this as you are making me feel ... I do 'put up' with a lot - but he says he does too.

I don't do much house-work anymore. I do kids bits and bobs and keep things like kitchen and bathrooms clean, and sort out shopping and meals - but that's it (other than an occasional dust and hoover). And, I have a mouth on me which isn't slow at letting him know when he's crossed the line.

Calling me a "f***in c**t" in front of the children means I won't make him packed lunch for a week. Does that count as standing up for myself.

OMG - I've just read that back! :eek: That's so not okay is it!!:o

When your low, housework is really not a priority, in my case I was made to feel bad by being told " the house is a shithole" this from someone who let his dog !!!! on the carpet. HE DID NOTHING AND ARGUED ABOUT IT, while making me feel like a useless housewife-which I obviously wasn't-I was just a very very unhappy woman.

duckeggblue

ceebeeby wrote: »

My head is so far buried in the sand it taking a while to see the sunshine.

Also, I'm not convinced that I'm as squeaky clean in this as you are making me feel ... I do 'put up' with a lot - but he says he does too.

I don't do much house-work anymore. I do kids bits and bobs and keep things like kitchen and bathrooms clean, and sort out shopping and meals - but that's it (other than an occasional dust and hoover). And, I have a mouth on me which isn't slow at letting him know when he's crossed the line.

Calling me a "f***in c**t" in front of the children means I won't make him packed lunch for a week. Does that count as standing up for myself.

OMG - I've just read that back! :eek: That's so not okay is it!!:o

In abusive relation ships, they keep telling you you are too blame.you are not, I can tell .

tayforth

duckeggblue wrote: »

When your low, housework is really not a priority, in my case I was made to feel bad by being told " the house is a shithole" this from someone who let his dog !!!! on the carpet. HE DID NOTHING AND ARGUED ABOUT IT, while making me feel like a useless housewife-which I obviously wasn't-I was just a very very unhappy woman.

duckeggblue wrote: »

In abusive relation ships, they keep telling you you are too blame.you are not, I can tell .

Same here, and same here!!!

duckeggblue

ceebeeby wrote: »

No. I have no meaningful relationship with her and am happy for her to stay oblivious to whatever is happening in my life - it's much less of a drama. When she's around, everything has to be about "her" and that becomes exhausting, very quickly. Hence why I have nothing to do with her.

I am like this with my mum too, I notice similarities between her and him, eg neither will ever say sorry..(called taking responsibility for your actions).

Blackpool_Saver

in my experience most men do nothing and argue about it, how I would love to be proved wrong, but I fear that won't happen

duckeggblue

ceebeeby wrote: »

Thanks Ostrichnomore - yours sounds like the sort of arrangement I would welcome having, except because there are children, I wouldn't want them to be worried about whose cupboard to take a biscuit from!

Largely for the children, we still sit at the dinner table together for meals, we will occasionally go out together (I mean like once every two months) for example to see his mother, otherwise, we pretty much do just pass each other by.

I do his meals etc. because I'm doing them anyway for the children (sometimes they'll do the cooking), and it seems petty not to include him.

I don't have any family, and I've deliberately not included friends in my home life for years and years because of his behaviour (I think it would upset them). I have a couple of friends who I'm close enough too, to tell them home is rubbish, but that's it - no more detail than that. I would never bring them into a mediation situation.

Your not being petty, you are just too reasonable- you remind mE of me , you need to think of yourself more, your always putting others first, believe me, thats not totally healthy,cos if you're not strong, who will be strong for your kids .

duckeggblue

ceebeeby wrote: »

He has a very generous pension. It's a trade off - he leaves my inheritance alone, I leave his pension alone.

Wow, gosh, less than 24hours ago I just wanted to date ... Now I'm leaving, house selling, debt sorting, parent bashing and now ? Divorce. I'm almost at meltdown stage, its very overwhelming. I need to slow down and get my head round it bit by bit.

He has made you feel afraid , in fact he has intimidated you x

duckeggblue

Deep breaths xxxxxx

paulineb_2

Abusive relationships are complex. And its the complexity that makes them harder to get out of. Some people arent even nice/nasty/nice/nasty, some people just are plain nasty, but its not always like that in the beginning and when people pick on you, for everything and anything you get to the point where you actually cant think straight because youve been told over and over how awful, fat, useless you are etc etc etc.

One of my exes was told on numerous occasions to get his act together and would do just enough to keep things ticking over, but I got to the stage where I resented him. I didnt love him, I didnt like him, I didnt want to have a physical relationship with him.

I couldnt pretend. He absolutely killed any feelings I ever had for him. Its not that easy when you are living with someone and its even tougher when there are kids involved.

I dont think there was ever a lightbulb moment with me, I knew for quite some time in one of my long term relationships that I was being treated like crap, years probably. I just reached the last straw moment, which I think was if I remember rightly having come back from a few days away in London with him, we were on our last legs, I got home on the Wednesday night and waited to see how long it would be before he phoned me if I didnt call him (he didnt DO phone calls).

It took him a week, a week in which he had 2 close friends round his house the weekend before and at that point I finally got it into my skull that I was at the bottom of his list of very long priorities and always would be.

I remember saying about another ex, he does things to make him look nice, but hes not nice. We had been separated by distance when he went to London to work for a year and as the year went on it was obvious he didnt want to be with me. And I used to get these very long letters, telling me all my faults (I was 19), I do have faults, Im aware of that. And reading them used to have me in a lot of tears, they continued after he left me, I had to ask him to stop in the end.

I would suspect if anyone on the fringes of these two peoples lives met and knew both of these exes, they would say things like, kind, lovely, nice, great person.

And yes, Ive been in relationships where everything is my fault, everything, where someone has nothing positive to say about me.

All I can say is, Ive been single now about 8 years since I left one of those people mentioned above. Ive briefly dated but I havent met anyone who has treated me the way Id like to be.

But on the whole, I have peace of mind, you absolutely cant put a price on that. I eat what I want when I want, I can get highlights in my hair if I want to, I dont get criticised for the way I dress, or my weight or whether I wash bloody dishes in the right way, or whether Ive broken someones washing machine (I didnt, but I got the blame)

You dont need to make steps to get out today, but get advice soon.
Tonight I taught 2 fitness classes and if I had been with my last ex I would have been told it was a waste of money training, that Id never pass, that Id be useless at it. In fact I wouldnt have had the confidence to do anything I really wanted to do that mattered to me, because Id just have had all these lectures ringing in my ear.

Let the future take care of itself for now. People who abuse others are damaged people, I wish I knew why, but I dont, but all I do know is that I'll never ever have another relationship like that as long as I live.

duckeggblue

Me too.Being on my own is so much more comfortable, for me.