Are you happy on your own?

Orlando_Virgin

VestanPance wrote: »

I'm not meaning to make others feel worse, sorry if that is how I've come across.

I just think it's easy for anyone top project our own experience of something as what something is like. I agree that when coupled there will be compromise, but I guess I see that as something that can be a positive force if you are with the right person. Obviously being in an abusive relationship is never going to be a positive situation.

It just strikes me that if you have all these types of conflicts with a partner then the chances are you aren't compatible, but then I can easily detach my emotions from logic so it's difficult for someone like me to see how these things often play out for the length of time they do for so many people.

They are interesting points you make and I must admit your frank, simplistic way of putting it does make me think. Without sounding like a total mug/mush, I think a lot of it is down to love.

When you're in love with someone I think sometimes it blinds you to that which in hindsight appears to be quite obvious.

For instance, my ex loved her live/indie type music
, me not so much. When you’re in love you tell yourself “well you can’t like everything, we need to have our own things too” whereas in hindsight I now tell myself she’s probably more suited to someone who loves that kind of thing too. They could go to gigs together etc.

It really is hard to see sometimes because you can be happy in so many other areas of your relationship but until the blinders are removed and you're thinking clearly again, you may not see it. You seem to be a very straight talking, thinking individual with great clarity, which I envy, because I don't think a lot of people do.

tayforth

balletshoes wrote: »

I'm fairly sure vestanpance wasn't being personal tayforth, he was reacting to a description of events which you posted.

VestanPance wrote: »

I'm not meaning to make others feel worse, sorry if that is how I've come across.

No, I'm sorry for jumping on your comment.

I'm a bit touchy on the subject ATM, we only split up last week. I'm acutely aware of my bad choice of partner, but I know that you didn't mean it like that.

sparrer wrote: »

OH and I had many happy years together, but just drifted apart. He went his way, I went mine but we're in touch occasionally by phone as friends.

I've now been on my own for 12 years during which time I've built a far happier life than I could ever have imagined, have a lovely little home, pocket handkerchief garden, old banger to get around in, my amazing family, a wonderful circle of friends. I've travelled on my own, with grandchildren, or with friends. For a few years I had the perfect relationship with a someone who visited UK three/four times a year, but sadly he passed away two years ago. It was perfect because it didn't encroach on my day to day life, we always stayed at hotels when he was here, and I didn't have to wash his socks!

I eat what and when I want, I go to bed when I want, will read til dawn if the book is good, don't have to consult anyone if I want to choose colours, furnishings, plants etc etc.

I can't find the rule book that says you have to be a couple, whether by marriage or just mutual agreement, or the one which says you shouldn't be. I know I'm fortunate that marriage gave me children, would I be so fulfilled without them? I don't know but I do have several single friends of both sexes without family who get as much out of life as I do.

Marriage - loved it. Singledom - loving it

What a lovely post. Thank you xxx

*max*

I love it. I also loved being in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with either, as long as you are truly happy with it! I'm convinced a LOT of people just settle for someone "who'll do" because they're either scared to be alone (why??) or have simply decided that it's ok/easier to compromise all the time because at least they're not single.

Orlando_Virgin

*max* wrote: »

I love it. I also loved being in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with either, as long as you are truly happy with it! I'm convinced a LOT of people just settle for someone "who'll do" because they're either scared to be alone (why??) or have simply decided that it's ok/easier to compromise all the time because at least they're not single.

That's a great point is that max. I have seen so many people either settle, or put up with so much crap because they are scared of what it might mean to be on their own. That's why it's so refreshing when someone like Tay has done what they have done.

tayforth

Orlando_Virgin wrote: »

That's a great point is that max. I have seen so many people either settle, or put up with so much crap because they are scared of what it might mean to be on their own. That's why it's so refreshing when someone like Tay has done what they have done.

Thank you :A xx

paulineb_2

VestanPance wrote: »

I'm not meaning to make others feel worse, sorry if that is how I've come across.

I just think it's easy for anyone top project our own experience of something as what something is like. I agree that when coupled there will be compromise, but I guess I see that as something that can be a positive force if you are with the right person. Obviously being in an abusive relationship is never going to be a positive situation.

It just strikes me that if you have all these types of conflicts with a partner then the chances are you aren't compatible, but then I can easily detach my emotions from logic so it's difficult for someone like me to see how these things often play out for the length of time they do for so many people.

You arent compatible or the person is a complete psycho hose beast.
Sometimes its not conflicts, sometimes its abuse as some people have said already including your post above and yes it probably is diffficult for people to wonder why people spend a long time with someone who is at best unsupportive and at worst downright controlling.

The only way I can describe it is people dont tend to put all their cards on the table at the beginning. For example, in relationships Ive been in that have been mentally abusive, people dont always act like that from day one. It can be a constant drip drip drip effect.

And when you are being called names over and over, told you are useless, stupid, worthless, no one would have you, yes its very easy to say walk, but sometimes the hardest relationships are the toughest to leave.

I know someone personally who was abused by her partner, he was in the end charged with kidnap. He used to go out and lock her in the house. He isolated her from her friends and family. She got out by calling her dad one day and saying, I need help, that was it.
But people can be so ground down that they can have support from police, womens aid and it still takes them a few times to get out.

My mum was in a violent relationship for 2 years. She was subjected to violence, sexual as well. My stepdad tried to kill her and my baby brother at the time because he wrongly thought that my mum was coming into money after my grandpa died. He went out and turned the gas taps on and only because my gran came down and smelled it, did everything turn out ok. His answer was of course he didnt do it and my mum was off her head for thinking it.
In those days it was much harder to get someone to leave the family home, talking about 1979, was her home, not his. She tried numerous times to get him out but he wouldnt go and in those days abuse was seen by the police and the law as a "domestic" But she eventually got him out by telling her brother what she had been suffering, he put him out. My gran was still grieving and again, you dont want to say to family, this is whats going on.

He never touched me, my mum always said if he had that would have been the final straw, but he tried to strangle her while she was holding my brother. I didnt know a lot of what she went through until very recently, I knew some of it at the time and I can honestly say the day my stepdad left was the happiest day of my life. He was harassing my mum and writing letters begging her to take him back and more, following her. I actually blamed myself for a long time because when he asked her to marry him she told me and she said to me if I really wasnt happy she wouldnt do it (he didnt start abusing her until they were married) and I didnt want her to but I didnt want to say so. I admire her, a lot. Shes one of the strongest people I know. For lots of reasons, not just that.But people who abuse others as I said dont always show their hand as it were at the beginning. And if you are dealing with someone who grinds people down until they feel they are worth nothing, I can understand why people feel it hard to leave. Men and women both because obviously abuse goes on in all types of partnerships.

My mum later found out her second husbands first wife had got a divorce from him for mental cruelty and in those days that was not easy. My mum set up a branch of womens aid in our home town after what she went through, some of the women she worked with at that time are dead now, killed by partners.

an9i77

I take my hat off to all those who can be happy on my own. I don't know what I'd be like if I suddenly found myself single again, but before I met my OH I was NOT happy. I felt very lonely, I envied my friends in relationships, I felt left on the shelf. It did not help that I was getting older, wanted babies and could see my fertile years passing me by (yes I am a woman!)

I think because I was fundamentally not at ease with being single, the whole thing became rather tainted for me. Everything was a reminder of what I did not have. I was single for 7 years which may not be a long time in some people's books but when you're female and broody and going into your 30s, it can be. Also, all my friends were in couples and I did begin to wonder what was wrong with me, I was always the odd one out.

Having said that now I am in a couple I do enjoy my solitude. my idea of heaven would be the house to myself for a weekend. Funny because all those weekends when I was single I hated the loneliness, it was hell.

Person_one

an9i77 wrote: »

I take my hat off to all those who can be happy on my own. I don't know what I'd be like if I suddenly found myself single again, but before I met my OH I was NOT happy. I felt very lonely, I envied my friends in relationships, I felt left on the shelf. It did not help that I was getting older, wanted babies and could see my fertile years passing me by (yes I am a woman!)

I think those of us who love being on our own are lucky, in a way. I have a friend the same age as me (nearing 30) who wants marriage and children more than anything and has since she finished uni. She can't make the right man appear out of thin air, but she isn't happy as she is either. I really feel for her.

I've only lived alone for less than three years, but whenever I've lived with other people, whether they were partners, friends or family, I've always absolutely relished my time alone and looked forward to the times I had the place to myself.

I actually think I'd really struggle to adjust to being in a relationship or having someone else around now, it'd take something incredibly special to be worth it.

alyth

it's been really interesting to read all your posts. I am in agreement with person_one, I would struggle be with someone, whether it's selfish or not I love having the freedom to do whatever I want without having to consider someone. As someone else mentioned, I have friends in unhappy relationships but they are scared of being on their own so continue to be unhappy. I'm not the most confident person and have to force myself to go and do things on my own sometimes, but once I'm out there I'm fine.

*max*

Exactly my thoughts, Person_one. I am very happy living by myself. I would be happy to have a relationship with someone if I found the right person, but living together...I'm really, really not sure I could do it now! It would take someone very special indeed.