Are you happy on your own?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

VestanPance wrote: »

This is something I've read many a time, mostly in post break-up the new exciting me isn't the single life awesome mindset that people take up to get over things, but in reality I've never understood this concept of I'd never have done x while with someone.

I honestly can't think of a single thing you can't do while coupled up in terms of hobbies and social life that you can as a single, other than go out on the pull. Although by various threads on here you can do that too! :eek:

It does make me wonder how many people who do this really buried parts of themselves to be with that other person, rather than being honest about who they really are.

I can understand people getting annoyed about being questioned about being single if that's what they decided they'd rather be, but not the I couldn't do x, y or z until I was single.

Because some relationships are restrictive, stifling and you can end up losing sight of who you really are in order to keep the peace.

For example, I've been told, completely straight faced, that a grown woman of 25 (at the time), with two children, had no business gallivanting about during the school day and visiting friends. And liking music and art was just something children did.

And, at 36, holidaying without children for the first time, that it wasn't normal to think of going to a pub or club for one evening instead of sitting watching television in the room because mothers don't do that. Even when their children aren't with them.



Different blokes. Different exes.

I'm now a musician. I go out where, when and with whoever I want. I don't get the Spanish Inquisition if I decide to go to the shop. I can stay over at somebody's house. (Last time was at a male friend's house - two guys and me. Shock horror! Although I did end up doing the washing up for a cuppa in the morning. It was a men behaving badly set in the morning light)

I can wear things I like - if that includes piercings, tattoos, plaid shirts and big knickers, that's up to me. No complaining about what signals it gives out at the same as bemoaning the lack of stockings and suspenders (whilst indoors, as couldn't possibly go out in them)

It's the restrictive nature of unequal relationships that people don't appreciate if they've never been in one.

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

I have cats as well which according to some people means I am doomed

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

VestanPance wrote: »

This is something I've read many a time, mostly in post break-up the new exciting me isn't the single life awesome mindset that people take up to get over things, but in reality I've never understood this concept of I'd never have done x while with someone.

I honestly can't think of a single thing you can't do while coupled up in terms of hobbies and social life that you can as a single, other than go out on the pull. Although by various threads on here you can do that too! :eek:

It does make me wonder how many people who do this really buried parts of themselves to be with that other person, rather than being honest about who they really are.

I can understand people getting annoyed about being questioned about being single if that's what they decided they'd rather be, but not the I couldn't do x, y or z until I was single.

It's not always as simple as that. As other have said, compromising within a relationship means that you don't get to do all the things you want. There's a lot of 'mooching around not doing much' time too - I always find that I watch way more TV when coupled up than when single!

Also, in my case, my ex was very controlling, which meant that we ended up doing everything that he wanted. I had little time left to pursue my own interests. Even worse, he wrecked my self-esteem and confidence to the extent that I barely socialised at all in the last few months.

Now that I've ended it, I feel as if I've been liberated and it's utterly intoxicating. I'm going to try to get the old me back.

So yes, you can lose elements of yourself in even the happiest relationship. In an unhappy/abusive one, you can become completely unrecognisable.

DUKE wrote: »

Alyth I've heard that so many times in the past, that I could have almost written it myself. People would ask me the usual (1) Are you married? (2) Don't you like men? (3) Are you a lesbian? (4) You must have kids? (5) But you must have had kids? This really got to me because I got the feeling that they thought I'd had kids & had them adopted or worse! (6) Did you know you can have treatment these days? (7) I expect you live at home with your parents? Then I'd get told how strange I was. One day I just told them that I wasn't married, or engaged, had no kids ever, never been pregnant as I didn't want to be, didn't live with my parents, I was really happy, I didn't want the same life that my parents & their parents had, or the boring little life that they had, I wanted my life for myself & not to live it through a bunch of kids, I'd got my own home, a good job, & I wasn't the strange one, they were! They were left speechless. I'm married now & was only single for about a year, but apart from being questions by them strange people, living alone was great!

:T:T:T:T:T

tayforth

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Because some relationships are restrictive, stifling and you can end up losing sight of who you really are in order to keep the peace.

For example, I've been told, completely straight faced, that a grown woman of 25 (at the time), with two children, had no business gallivanting about during the school day and visiting friends. And liking music and art was just something children did.

And, at 36, holidaying without children for the first time, that it wasn't normal to think of going to a pub or club for one evening instead of sitting watching television in the room because mothers don't do that. Even when their children aren't with them.



Different blokes. Different exes.

I'm now a musician. I go out where, when and with whoever I want. I don't get the Spanish Inquisition if I decide to go to the shop. I can stay over at somebody's house. (Last time was at a male friend's house - two guys and me. Shock horror! Although I did end up doing the washing up for a cuppa in the morning. It was a men behaving badly set in the morning light)

I can wear things I like - if that includes piercings, tattoos, plaid shirts and big knickers, that's up to me. No complaining about what signals it gives out at the same as bemoaning the lack of stockings and suspenders (whilst indoors, as couldn't possibly go out in them)

It's the restrictive nature of unequal relationships that people don't appreciate if they've never been in one.

^^^^ This.

(Missed it while I was typing. Awesome post, Jojo.)

VestanPance

Those descriptions sound like picking bad or incompatible partners than actual couple versus single problems to be honest.

tayforth

VestanPance wrote: »

Those descriptions sound like picking bad or incompatible partners than actual couple versus single problems to be honest.

Well, that's me told. Thanks for making me feel worse than I already did about wasting 7 years with an abusive man.

balletshoes

VestanPance wrote: »

Those descriptions sound like picking bad or incompatible partners than actual couple versus single problems to be honest.

I'm not sure about the bad partners, but I'd agree with the incompatible bit. I think Tayforth and JoJo's posts have illustrated vestanpance's point fairly well - if you're with the right partner for you, there should be no reason why you can't do what you like as far as pastimes/hobbies/travel etc is concerned. Being part of a couple shouldn't stifle that.

Having kids does though, but I think thats a different thread.

I also accept that if you have a partner who is ill long-term, then obviously that will curtail the free time that you have.

balletshoes

tayforth wrote: »

Well, that's me told. Thanks for making me feel worse than I already did about wasting 7 years with an abusive man.

I'm fairly sure vestanpance wasn't being personal tayforth, he was reacting to a description of events which you posted.

sparrer

OH and I had many happy years together, but just drifted apart. He went his way, I went mine but we're in touch occasionally by phone as friends.

I've now been on my own for 12 years during which time I've built a far happier life than I could ever have imagined, have a lovely little home, pocket handkerchief garden, old banger to get around in, my amazing family, a wonderful circle of friends. I've travelled on my own, with grandchildren, or with friends. For a few years I had the perfect relationship with a someone who visited UK three/four times a year, but sadly he passed away two years ago. It was perfect because it didn't encroach on my day to day life, we always stayed at hotels when he was here, and I didn't have to wash his socks!

I eat what and when I want, I go to bed when I want, will read til dawn if the book is good, don't have to consult anyone if I want to choose colours, furnishings, plants etc etc.

I can't find the rule book that says you have to be a couple, whether by marriage or just mutual agreement, or the one which says you shouldn't be. I know I'm fortunate that marriage gave me children, would I be so fulfilled without them? I don't know but I do have several single friends of both sexes without family who get as much out of life as I do.

Marriage - loved it. Singledom - loving it

VestanPance

tayforth wrote: »

Well, that's me told. Thanks for making me feel worse than I already did about wasting 7 years with an abusive man.

I'm not meaning to make others feel worse, sorry if that is how I've come across.

I just think it's easy for anyone top project our own experience of something as what something is like. I agree that when coupled there will be compromise, but I guess I see that as something that can be a positive force if you are with the right person. Obviously being in an abusive relationship is never going to be a positive situation.

It just strikes me that if you have all these types of conflicts with a partner then the chances are you aren't compatible, but then I can easily detach my emotions from logic so it's difficult for someone like me to see how these things often play out for the length of time they do for so many people.

Pixiechic

VestanPance wrote: »

Those descriptions sound like picking bad or incompatible partners than actual couple versus single problems to be honest.

I disagree.

The question of this thread is 'Are you happy on your own?'

Happiness is relative to the individual and not really for others to judge.

It stands to reason that someone out of a happy relationship, (being in a relationship is the obvious but not only alternative to being on your own) might not be as happy on there own as someone just out of an abusive relationship. This is regardless of compatibility, just that they are happier on their own, for their own justifiable reasons.

Being on your own can make people happy or unhappy for many different reasons and can still be appropriate answers to the question .