My partner is always in a bad mood with me so sad

fireyfirenze

FBaby wrote: »

And the scenerio 'could' be as follow:
OP got up, put child in front of TV and sloshed on the sofa, falling asleep in the end. Child went to mum and ask for breakfast, mum said later. OP's partner is outside doing some DIY/gardening. Child comes and ask for breakfast because mummy is asleep on the sofa. OP's partner stops to go and feed child. Then child comes to dad to say he is bored and mummy told him to go and see daddy etc...

Again, I am not saying that is the case. .

I know you aren't saying that is the case but that is one of the most silly things I have read on this forum recently! why have you made up a situation? if it is to demonstrate that we don't always know all the facts about every story - we never will, not on an Internet forum.

tayforth

marisco wrote: »

I have read through this whole thread with growing concern for the OP.

In a healthy partnership a couple have mutual love and respect for each other. They treat each other well and work together as a team. There is plenty of good communication, a willingness to listen and an ability to compromise. These elements in their relationship carry them through the good and bad times and they grow stronger together. They are happy and comfortable in each others company and want the best for each other.

OP your partners intimidating behaviour toward you leaves you feeling anxious, worthless and aware that he always assumes the worst of you. Such is the extent of his manipulative and controlling behaviour that you are on edge when he is around and feel sick at the likelihood of him shouting at you and looking at you with awful disdain. This is no way to live.

For him to say that he would 'deal with you later' and to have told you that he was 'pacing the room shaking with rage' is very worrying. In short he was threatening the possibility of violence. What you are suffering at the moment is emotional abuse. Abuse always escalates. He has already shown signs that he could really lose it with you. Your partner comes across as extremely unstable.

Your child is caught up in the middle of all this. Children are more perceptive than they are given credit for. He will be fully aware of what is happening. If you think you feel scared then times that a hundred times over for your child. He will be very confused and bewildered by all that is being said and done and the atmosphere in the home will be having a detrimental effect on him and you.

You deserve way better than to be living like this.

+1,000,000


xx

Primrose

To be fair here it doesnt sound as if either of you are really pulling in the same direction any more with each giving the other a little give and take. Perhaps it's time for both of you to sit down and try to amicably negotiate how you share the household chores yet each have some time for those activities you want to do separately. Don't allowed yourself to be bullied over this. It's a perfectly reasonable request for two people sharing a home together and if you can't accommodate at this level, then there seems little point in you continuing to live together, especially if his anger intimidates you.

FBaby

What worries me with these type of threads is how vocal and extreme the responses become. I know how vulnerable one can be to lead them to post here, and to think that they could be driven to take drastic actions from the advice of total strangers, who have no perspective to the actual situation, who base their views purely on the account of one side of any story is concerning from my opinion.

I assume that if it is a case of the OP leaving her partner, she doesn't need any stranger to tell her that's why she needs to do. Herself, friends, families will know her and him much better to decide if that's what is best. However, what a stranger can provide is a different perspective, one that can help see the situation in another light, IN CASE, there could be something to work on.

When I open up to my close friends about personal issues with my partner, yes, it does help to moan and get some sympathy, but much more importantly, I want them to tell me how they see the situation from their perspective, so that I can understand better why my man sometimes do and act as he does. It has happened in the past when I was very cross with him, but my friend admitted she could understand why he had reacting the way he had and gave me her perspective. It really made me think and prompted me talking to my man. I realised then that I had totally misunderstood his intentions. I was really grateful to me friend for being honest, then just telling me that I was right, that he was a bully and should think of leaving him.

thorsoak

minnie123 wrote: »

He was annoyed cos I didnt come back until 4 am but I have not done that for years and I was having such a good time - he assumed I was up to something. He always assumes the worst of me. He said it's a good job you didnt come back at 3 cos I was pacing the room shaking with rage. I said I didnt realise the time why didnt he just ring me - he said he wanted to see what time I thought it was acceptable to come in. Then yesterday he went out looked at me with his horrible look I said sorry for bein so late and he just said I will deal with you later so I spent all day dreading his return

I'm not going to give you the "there, there, what a !!!! he is" - you have to take responsibility for the reaction to your actions!

If you had posted on here, saying that your OH had been out until 4am because he was having a good time, and came home drunk and had a hangover and was now playing with his phone because he was having a good time, etc etc etc ...you would have been getting the "oh what a brute he is" etc etc etc.

And you would - quite rightly - have been mad with him!

Mojisola

thorsoak wrote: »

If you had posted on here, saying that your OH had been out until 4am because he was having a good time, and came home drunk and had a hangover, got up the next morning and looked after your child all day and now, the following day, was playing with his phone because he was having a good time, etc etc etc ...you would have been getting the "oh what a brute he is" etc etc etc.

And you would - quite rightly - have been mad with him!

I wouldn't have thought she was right to be mad at him.

tayforth

FBaby wrote: »

What worries me with these type of threads is how vocal and extreme the responses become. I know how vulnerable one can be to lead them to post here, and to think that they could be driven to take drastic actions from the advice of total strangers, who have no perspective to the actual situation, who base their views purely on the account of one side of any story is concerning from my opinion.

I assume that if it is a case of the OP leaving her partner, she doesn't need any stranger to tell her that's why she needs to do. Herself, friends, families will know her and him much better to decide if that's what is best. However, what a stranger can provide is a different perspective, one that can help see the situation in another light, IN CASE, there could be something to work on.

When I open up to my close friends about personal issues with my partner, yes, it does help to moan and get some sympathy, but much more importantly, I want them to tell me how they see the situation from their perspective, so that I can understand better why my man sometimes do and act as he does. It has happened in the past when I was very cross with him, but my friend admitted she could understand why he had reacting the way he had and gave me her perspective. It really made me think and prompted me talking to my man. I realised then that I had totally misunderstood his intentions. I was really grateful to me friend for being honest, then just telling me that I was right, that he was a bully and should think of leaving him.

But how the heck do your friends know your OH????? How could they possibly help you to understand why he acts the way he does?

I told a friend once about OH calling me a c***. Turns out I picked the wrong friend to tell; she was like, oh is that all, I've called my OH a c*** lots of times. Well, guess what. It may be ok for her but it's not for me.

And, to be fair, I wasn't giving her the full story. The rages, the spitting, the aggression. Can you honestly say that you disclose EVERY detail when you're moaning about your OH to your friends?

NOBODY knows what goes on in a relationship except the couple themselves.

skintbuthappy81

Having read your first post I was in exactly the same situation (minus the child) late last year. I had been with my ex for 9 years and for the last 6 or so years he treated me so bad, he was never physically abusive but I was mentally and emotionally drained. I felt I had no one to talk to as he was basically my life.

I don't know what made me come to my senses and leave but I did last September, I just packed up and went. Although I was heartbroken and scared at the time I also felt a huge relief when I walked out that door.

Me and my ex are still on speaking terms (more so as we had bought our own house and had that to sort out) I have met somebody who now treats me like a princess and he has also met somebody and is happy with her.

It's honestly the best thing for you and your child, you will never get these years back so get out whilst you can.

FBaby

tayforth wrote: »

NOBODY knows what goes on in a relationship except the couple themselves.

Of course they don't know ALL the details, but I don't go on about what he or I have said when we were both angry, I personally think that what is said in anger is just that, what is said in anger. I rather tackle the reasons for the anger than what comes out verbally.

I only talk to a couple of friends and have done so for a long time, so they know the background. One of my best friend's personality is very similar to my partner, so sometimes she understands why my partner reacts in a particular way and her perspective helps me understand him better and therefore why he might have acted in a way that I thought was innapropriate, when actually it was just different.

Going back to words in anger, I think I posted this before and I think that there are many ways to act angry that are aggressive and abusive, however, what often makes it abusive is how the other one perceives it. I find the way my partner just walks away from me as soon as he hears something he doesn't want to discuss totally disrespectful. He thinks the way I shout is totally disrespectful. I say I shout because he ignores me, he says he ignores me because I go on and on... Neither of us are abusive or bullying, we just have different ways of dealing with anger.

tayforth

FBaby wrote: »

Of course they don't know ALL the details, but I don't go on about what he or I have said when we were both angry, I personally think that what is said in anger is just that, what is said in anger. I rather tackle the reasons for the anger than what comes out verbally.

I only talk to a couple of friends and have done so for a long time, so they know the background. One of my best friend's personality is very similar to my partner, so sometimes she understands why my partner reacts in a particular way and her perspective helps me understand him better and therefore why he might have acted in a way that I thought was innapropriate, when actually it was just different.

Going back to words in anger, I think I posted this before and I think that there are many ways to act angry that are aggressive and abusive, however, what often makes it abusive is how the other one perceives it. I find the way my partner just walks away from me as soon as he hears something he doesn't want to discuss totally disrespectful. He thinks the way I shout is totally disrespectful. I say I shout because he ignores me, he says he ignores me because I go on and on... Neither of us are abusive or bullying, we just have different ways of dealing with anger.

That has echoes of my OH - 'I shout at you because you do X.' Except he usually shouts, then ignores me.

BTW, try taking responsibility for your own behaviour. You may feel annoyed because he ignores you, but you choose to shout at him.