My partner is always in a bad mood with me so sad

Tropez

He sounds like an awful person who uses intimidation to manipulate and control you. He wants you to feel afraid and scared, so he alludes to using physical harm against you ("shaking with rage"), bangs around to make his point that you're worthless and is making you feel so bad that you're currently spending a day in your room; something an upset child or teenager would do.

But you're not worthless and you shouldn't be treated like this. If he's doing this every day, as you say, then you need to think about the effect it will have on you and your child and seriously consider getting out of there.

minnie123

I have stood up to him but I am just tired of it now just feel drained and sad want to get under the duvet and stay there - just feel on edge he is here but if I go out he will make me feel guilty for that. Just dont know what to do for the best stay in, go out. Get up and tidy but thats what he wants me to do what he says.

Its ok for him to go the gym for 3 hrs on a sunday or sat morning but if I wanna chill with a cup of tea that is not good enough - just cos we choose to do diff things to unwind why is his choice acceptable and mine not.

FatVonD

You need to tell him you are not a child and this is YOUR life and you will live it how you want to, not how he tells you to. Tell him you acknowledge that he's in a bad mood but you are not going to let it affect your day so he is wasting his time.

BitterAndTwisted

Because he's a controlling bloody bully, that's why!

Once he's out of the house get on the phone to Womens Aid.

pigpen

I'd tell him to shut up whining like a spoiled brat and grow up every time he started.. record him and play it back so he can here what a knob he sounds like. Tell him if he wants to speak to people like that he should maybe get a dog or go find someone else to tolerate it because you are not his skivvy or dirt on his shoe..

Or just bop him on the head with a frying pan .

You have to do it every time though because if you let them get away with it once or twice they think it is ok again.

((((hugs))))

tayforth

minnie123 wrote: »

He was annoyed cos I didnt come back until 4 am but I have not done that for years and I was having such a good time - he assumed I was up to something. He always assumes the worst of me. He said it's a good job you didnt come back at 3 cos I was pacing the room shaking with rage. I said I didnt realise the time why didnt he just ring me - he said he wanted to see what time I thought it was acceptable to come in. Then yesterday he went out looked at me with his horrible look I said sorry for bein so late and he just said I will deal with you later so I spent all day dreading his return

That's very worrying language. Threatening violence, basically. Do you want your child to grow up in the same house as this man?


I've read your 'mitigating circumstances' - all understandable, but not a OOD enough reason to stay. My sister's wedding is in 13 days and I'm keeping it from my family until then. But I have to get away - now.


Please consider leaving. It's taken me 7 years to do it. You don't have to put up with this xx

thehappybutterfly

minnie123 wrote: »

He was annoyed cos I didnt come back until 4 am but I have not done that for years and I was having such a good time - he assumed I was up to something. He always assumes the worst of me. He said it's a good job you didnt come back at 3 cos I was pacing the room shaking with rage. I said I didnt realise the time why didnt he just ring me - he said he wanted to see what time I thought it was acceptable to come in. Then yesterday he went out looked at me with his horrible look I said sorry for bein so late and he just said I will deal with you later so I spent all day dreading his return

Bloody hell! I'll tell you a little story that'll help put this into perspective:

I went out with some girlfriends from work a few weeks ago. My hubby drove me into the city, we picked up two of my friends on the way and he dropped us off at the pub, told me to have a good time and to phone him when I was ready to come home. We live about 30 minutes drive away.

We ended up at the Casino and I texted him at 1am to let him know that I might be a while. I texted him again at 3am to let him know that I wasn't ready to come home and I was just going to spend the night at my friend's. I texted him again at 8am and asked if he could come and pick me up. He did all this with a smile and a chuckle and even had some sympathy for my tiredness and blinding headache.

That's a husband for you. That's what equal partnership is about. I rarely go out and he knew I was stressed with work and that I just wanted to let my hair down. He may well have been worried that I was up to no good but he's never once accused me of it. And he's also never gone out and done the same as some sort of payback.

I couldn't live my life like yours - I did for long enough with my ex. You shouldn't have to either. Look around this board and you'll see dozens of stories about women (and men!) who have escaped destructive relationships and are all the better for it.

I wish you luck xx

justme111

Sorry to hear you are not in a good place. "Standing up to him " advice may make you feel even more useless as it imples you should ne able to do it while you feel you can not. If not done right (usually it is not) it will only end in an argument. Breaking patterns of disrespectful behaviour is very difficult as you are playing into it without realising it , the whole dynamics gets twisted and he does not realise he is being an a..hole to you . Hugs.

mrcow

minnie123 wrote: »

Every time I do something for myself he makes me feel worthless.

That's how he makes you feel?

If your best friend spoke those words to you, what would you be advising her to do?

Do you understand that this is not a normal relationship? Normal men in relationships do not behave like this.

In fact, most men would be absolutely delighted that the love of their life managed to get some "me" time and would encourage it.

Your relationship should be based on trust and kindness. Kindness towards each other's feelings and needs.


Yours seems to be based on control and sulkiness, with the occasional throwing toys out of the pram.

He probably has no idea how unattractive he is making himself to you.

He probably has no idea that he's pushing you out of the door.

Personally, I'd be explaining it to him and telling him that either things change for you both together, or things will be chaning with you both apart. And I wouldn't be backing down.

FBaby

Well I'll play devils advocate and say that I can understand your OH position.

My partner and I both work full-time, so our week-ends are very busy, cleaning, shopping, taking kids places etc... It is quite regimented because that's how we decided our lives would be.

Now my partner sometimes goes out and won't be much good the following day, but when that happens, he will usually do more things before, or he will let me know that he is likely to have a few drinks and not be up to much the following day, but will do x,y or z the day after, so I know where I stand.

If he told me he was going out for a few hours, didn't get home until 4am drunk (and likely to wake me up), was useless all day, and then still having a lay-in the following day playing on his phone whilst I had to do everything, I would also be giving my OH dirty looks.

What it comes down to is that he feels you are not doing your share of things. Rightly or wrongly, you do need to discuss things or resentment will take over on both sides. You need to feel that you have equal share of duties and equal share of me-time and time together. When you work almost full-time with a young child, without a cleaning/gardener/babysitter/builder, you need to be organised and plan things in advance.

You need to have a very serious talk and insure you are both listening to each other. So many couples brake up because they let resentment take over without discussing things, or expect the other to listen to them but are not themselves prepare to listen.