Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

girlatplay

Mojisola wrote: »

But she wasn't really wishing that the two of you were back together, she was wishing that she was part of a "happy ever after" family.

She wouldn't have wanted to live in a house with an alcoholic, drug-fuelled father.

Yes, you are absolutely right. That is exactly why I did what I thought was best, left him (eventually) and took her with me. She doesn't see it like that as she doesn't remember us living with him so she doesn't remember the smashed walls, the rages, the beatings (not to her, to me). Thank the Lord. I know if she had to live like that she would be wishing to get out. I was just sad for her that she was young enough to believe in wishing on birthday candles and wondering why her wishes weren't coming true.

RAS

Mojisola wrote: »

But she wasn't really wishing that the two of you were back together, she was wishing that she was part of a "happy ever after" family.

She wouldn't have wanted to live in a house with an alcoholic, drug-fuelled father.

I will second that. There was a point in my life when I used to talk to friends about wanting my parents to get back together.

This was a man who had nearly killed me and in whose presence I could not breathe, literally.

I wanted a "happy family" like my friends.

It is quite possible to want an outcome emotionally that would be devastating in reality.

Just like thinking as a child that people cannot see you if you cover your eyes.

Prothet_of_Doom

teawithmilk wrote: »

Unfortunately (!) we are married.

All the savings have been built up by me. he doesnt know I've been quietly saving up since we sold the house. .

Then half of everything belongs to each of you. :mad: His debt is your debt, and your savings are his savings. Painful ? It's a real bummer !!

Look at it the other way though.


My sister's ex husband, saved £200K in various accounts she didn't know about, but he tried to lie in court. Sister had found details of an account he hadn't mentioned with £2K in, and the judge, stopped the preceedings, and made them come back two weeks later, giving him a warning that if he lied and was found out he would go to prision. In the 2 weeks, he remembered all the rest too. :T

My sister didn't have any debts, but she didn't have any money either, and it bought her a house to live in.

thorsoak

You bought the house, to be a permanent home for your daughter after years of having to move when the lease ran out. You were only able to do this by using the savings from your income as a deposit. Since you left and moved into your home, you continued to pay most of the bills and now he owes you - how much? Bring what remains of your savings to the table, deduct the total he owes you (including the letting bond) - and then offer him half of what's left - if it comes to that.

He didn't use a solicitor when advised to when you divorced, he probably won't now!

girlatplay

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

Then half of everything belongs to each of you. :mad: His debt is your debt, and your savings are his savings. Painful ? It's a real bummer !!

Thing is though, when the OP and her (now ex) husband sold the house they each got a one half share of the net free proceeds. The OP put hers in a savings account, the husband frittered his away. The OP has paid bills and debts with only a small donation from the husband.

I am so happy I am single.

sweetpea26

Hi Tea

I sat today and read your whole diary. I just wanted to say that you deserve credit for realising what a !!!!!! he really is. Some people can suck the life out of you but you have now escaped this toxic relationship and you will thrive. There were times I was advising you /talking to my laptop and times that I wished I could have helped you in some way. You must have felt very vulnerable those days when you found it hard to find someone to confide in. Tough days trying to juggle so many balls in the air and worries concerning your beloved mother.

You have had such superb support and advice from good people on this thread, rightly so. I know there have been a few plonkers who hadn't read your diary properly and made uninformed comments but they were few and far between.

I am just so happy for you and your lovely girl. I wish you every happiness and blessings in your lovely new home as you move on with your life. You deserve it. You are a very strong woman.

Also if you don't mind me saying, make sure he takes financial responsibility for his daughter. She is your most treasured possession and deserves to have every chance she can to progress in life. He has to pay his fair share to raise her. Let the authorities sort him out. Take care of yourself. (((()))))'s

ps
I grew up with very little, my 'dad' walked away from my mother when I was a baby and never gave her a penny. He went on to have another family and treated them really well. He just scrubbed us out of his life and left my mother with nothing in the 60's. It stills annoys and upsets me and I am a good age now let me tell you. It hurts me that he didn't provide for me. I have forgiven him and found out a few years back he died the year I was married. How sad is that. Life is short and fathers need to make sure their children are provided for and your daughters father needs to be made do so.

teawithmilk

Thanks sweetpea, thats kind of you.

I has a rotten weekend because I had DD phoning me in tears on Friday (from his house) saying that she didnt want to be with him. She is not entirely blameless in this as she can often be awkward and teenager-y now and she is lazy on a weekend and never wants to shift from the sofa. But she was saying that he was shouting at her and that the house was filthy and she hated being there. I had to stop myself from rushing round and just grabbing her. I told her to just stay the night and see how she felt in the morning. Then when i was visting my mum I got a call from her again asking for me to come and pick her up as she said he was saying that I might as well get her early as she didnt want to go out anywhere or do anything with him.

It made me cross (not with her, with him) because it disrupted my visit to my mum- he demands to have her every Friday through to saturday teatime so I make plans to do useful stuff on the Saturday and then I have to compromise yet again. So I picked her up and she was in an awful mood- really stroppy and rude to me too.

She SMELLS when she comes back from him. I mean her hair smells and all her clothes, a really rank smell...almost like stale oil, a kitcheny smell...I dont think he cleans the house. I was asking her about her bed at his place, asking about the sheets and if he ever changes them. I dont think he has spare bedding. im trying to arrange a meal out of the nursing hime for my mum and next Friday evening is the only one that we can all do (me my sister and her family and my mum) so i texted him to ask if I could have her next Friday and he texted back to say that he didnt care when or if she came to see him as he was disgusted with her as she didnt want to do anything with him anyway.

So now I am having to act as mediator between the two as I never want him to be able to say that I have stopped her seeing him. Ive persuaded her to go round and see him on Wednesday.

He is demanding all house keys back. Fair enough. But I asked him by text if I could have the £300+ for his bills that I paid. He says he hasnt had time to pay it into my accoount yet. This has been four weeks Ive been asking for it now so I have just written it off now. I am going to do the CSA application this week.

But I have got myself in such a mess/pickle with it all. For a start he doesnt know i have bought a house! he doesnt know that i just live around the corner from him (he has never asked where I live) I think he is under the impression that we live about a mile away from him in the little house we rented last summer. I cant keep this deception up forever he might even see my car or see me- but he has never asked where I live so why should I bother volunteering the information and telling him?

Or do you think I should be truthful and say I have bought a house and this is where we are.

I have a couple of thousand pounds emergency savings now. This is in case the boiler blows or there is a problem. or maybe saving up for a newer car. But if he asks where I got my house deposit from I would have to tell him that was my savings.

I can just see this is a can or worms for the future.

thorsoak

You don't have to give him your address - why should you? He has a telephone no so that he can contact DD (who is behaving exactly as any adolescent whose hormones will be all over the place will do).

It is none of his business where you live - you are no longer accountable to him. If you feel that you must give him your address, then that is all - you have moved on - he can continue to think you are renting - there is no need for him to know that you now have a mortgage - IT IS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM!

Unless he is actually asking questions, do not volunteer information.

Mojisola

It's hard to cut the ties but he isn't your partner any more. If he asks questions about where you live and how you paid for it, you don't have to answer. You don't have explain yourself to him.

Your daughter is old enough to decide where she wants to be - I wouldn't want to spend time in a house if I smelt horrible after staying there.

paulineb_2

I agree, if shes having to stay over in a home that stinks, if I were her, I wouldnt want to be going there either.