Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

teawithmilk

I would love to have a clean break agreement and not have that risk hanging over me but wouldn't that mean me telling him I've moved on and bought a house for DD and I?

And also......he just isnt speaking to me, wont communicate... with minimal communication by text message - only when he wants to.

So how can i discuss a clean break with him?? would I have to just go straight to court?? sorry im a bit ignorant of it all....would it mean going back to the solicitor because I just can't spend thousands on legal fees again. I had to pay the full cost of the divorce which ended up being several thousand pounds. the court did award costs to me (ie he should have paid for the cost of the divorce) but my solicitor said it probably wasnt worth chasing him to pay anything if he was being so awkward.

I'll go onto Wikivorce if i get chance but in meantime DAK how it would work??

LannieDuck

Get the CSA done asap. Don't drag it out - it'll only be hanging over you.

I don't understand why you seem to accept that he would be 'furious'. What a strange reaction for him to have to a CSA request - you're only asking him to pay something towards the upkeep of his child. It shouldn't be a surprise, and he really shouldn't need someone to tell him he should be be paying. Why does he think he shouldn't have to do that?

RAS

Get the CSA done and put the money aside to build a fund for the clean break.

paulineb_2

LannieDuck wrote: »

Get the CSA done asap. Don't drag it out - it'll only be hanging over you.

I don't understand why you seem to accept that he would be 'furious'. What a strange reaction for him to have to a CSA request - you're only asking him to pay something towards the upkeep of his child. It shouldn't be a surprise, and he really shouldn't need someone to tell him he should be be paying. Why does he think he shouldn't have to do that?

Probably because its been clear in other posts that her ex can be rude, argumentative, abusive and non co operative.

Plus he seems to have all this resentment against the OP for leaving him even though she wasnt happy.

Its not about the CSA in his mind I think, it might be something she would do to "get" him, cause him problems. I think she knows him well enough to know that he would have a reaction.

Having said all that. OP, you really do need to give yourself credit for getting away from this man. You are free of him, you dont need to let his ridiculous behaviour rule your life anymore. Dont clear up after him, if he owes you money, get tough, stop writing things off just because hes going to give you a hard time.

Any abusive emails, texts, make it clear to him if he does that the next step will be to see a police/lawyer.

Stand your ground, hes not paying anything of his own accord, he should be, why should you and your daughter suffer financially just because hes a difficult pain in the backside?

NAR

teawithmilk wrote: »

I know thats the right way to go. I just have to get my head around these stupid feelings and fears I have.....I can't get over the guilt of leaving. But I'm so glad I did now. We never had a normal relationship and its taking me time to just realise that and get used to all the massive changes that have happened over the last 12 months. Talking to you all here really helps! Thank you.

Write down two columns; the nice things about ex ie why you still have feelings in one column and list all the nasty abusive things/poor financial situation etc in anther column. I will bet any money the second column is far longer than the other.

You have got to come to grips with the fact he is your ex ie your past! He has a moral and financial responsibility to help raise your daughter so get those forms completed and submitted asap. Yes almost certainly there will be some rudeness, but surely you should be used to that by now. If he gets nasty about CSA threaten to tell DD about his attitude to his responsibilities to DD - see how he likes it!

thorsoak

TWM: if he gets angry with you for claiming money for DD - what can he do to you? HE IS YOUR EX! And how will he explain to DD that he is getting angry with you for involving CSA when it means that he will have to admit to her that he doesn't want to support her?

DD is now a child from a "broken home" - she will be one of many in her peer group. You cannot change the fact that she would prefer to be living with both of you - a friend's daughter (aged 14) still wanted her mother and father to be back together even after her father had been remarried for 8 years and she had two half siblings - she thought that they all (including 2nd wife) should be living together!

Personally, I wouldn't tell him that I intended to go to the CSA - just do it!

You've come a long way in a short time - you need to worry about him less and less, and will need less contact with him as time goes on.

DigForVictory

Tea!
It isn't the meter readings that hurt - you've moved house before, you know they're part of the excitement of a new place. It's just this move, whilst entered into with great deliberation & forethought, doesn't mean a clean start & new keys. The ex is still there, living, breathing, grumbling. And for reasons only you can admit to, affecting you.

You have done the right thing leaving him, & even in the cold dark moments, you know you did right. Hug your daughter, or re-read you old diary (if you have to), but don't let his emotions drive yours. You are no longer his wife, he is no longer your responsibility. Hand over the keys & let the old house, & the man, go.

Yes, you still have to remain civil for DD. Can I suggest that civility can be served stone cold? The man has been a drain on your resources for a long time - habits die hard, but some need to be quelled firmly. It isn't as if you're short of things to do, so don't let him be an extra chore.

DD may be right that he misses you - I think she's correctly identified that he's missing someone to do the awkward things for him. There's a difference. Did he struggle to change his ways to keep you? Has he tried to woo you back? Has he offered tuppence towards DD's day to day care & feeding? I think he misses his staff, not you & that you should feel all the guilt of an employee who has a promotion to another business. As in, none.

So, start the CSA. Why should you carry every financial ounce of DD when he's alive & working? Solely because he'll be furious? Tea. He is not your responsibility - your DD is. You have a lot on your plate - and yet you flinch from seeking the financial help that is reasonably yours, as you left him.

Look briefly into the future. Decades. DD is getting married & wants you both there. Do you want to be flinching from anticipated rows on her big day? Or serene, delighted, relieved it's all going well & utterly unaffected by his presence & temperament? We want you to be there, beautiful & happy for your girl, with him several yards behind some tombstones & as unimportant to you.

As for now, just how much does DD know & understand about CSA? (You may find she's learned other lessons at school you hadn't thought of, alongside coping with being bullied & the novelty and discomfort of becoming a woman.) How are you going to tell her you didn't ask her father for money (that could make her life less sticky) because you could really do without the stress?

She'll soon be old enough to say exactly how much contact she wants with him & I've already suggested that the presence or absence of CSA funds will allow her to form her own views.

You've come so far, managed so much, you are so close to as-near-to-full-escape as you'll get with a breathing ex - don't let the spectre of him, and his infantile tantrums, stop you from putting the last few legal yards in place.
Set your DD yet another solid gold example & sort the CSA.

girlatplay

I hope I don't get shot down for this but if I were you I would write off all the bills he owes. You will probably have to pay the final power bill but that is it. No more, TWM. Draw a line under that. (If you happen to get the money back, great!)

Fill the form in for the CSA now. Do it now (as soon as you get a minute today). Get it sent off to them. Knowing what we all know, we expect him to be very unhappy, however, you don't have to deal with him. The CSA do. You don't have to explain to him why you have gone to the CSA, that is obvious. You have gone to the CSA because he won't communicate with you. If he tries his "You should have spoken to me, we could have come to an arrangement." malarky just remember that it would never have happened. If you did end up in an arrangement he would screw it up somehow anyway.

Your life with him in control is now finished. You are in control now. The only thing you have left in common (apart from the financial break thing which you will deal with at some point) is your DD. She is old enough to deal with him herself. You do not have to deal with him any more.

My DD once told me that every time she blew out the candles on her birthday cake she wished that her dad and I would get back together. I was so upset that I was shattering her wee dream. It will never happen in any lifetime though as he was an alcoholic, drug-fulled abuser. Kids can't always see it the same way though. We as parents have to do what we think is best. I truly believe you have done the best for your DD, and for yourself. You have to believe in yourself more.

Mojisola

girlatplay wrote: »

My DD once told me that every time she blew out the candles on her birthday cake she wished that her dad and I would get back together. I was so upset that I was shattering her wee dream.

It will never happen in any lifetime though as he was an alcoholic, drug-fulled abuser. Kids can't always see it the same way though.

But she wasn't really wishing that the two of you were back together, she was wishing that she was part of a "happy ever after" family.

She wouldn't have wanted to live in a house with an alcoholic, drug-fuelled father.

spirit

Brilliant post digforvictory :T