Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

egoode

teawithmilk wrote: »

"a bit of support in dealing with her bad attitude from you would help. But I can obviously whistle for it"

I think all three of you need to sit down and discuss an arrangement that will suit all three of you. It might be she doesn't want to stay at his place overnight ever but is willing to visit him after school or on weekends on set days, but she definitely needs to have a say in what she wants.

However both of them need to understand as part of the agreement that when she's with him neither of them are to contact you about coming and picking her up because they have had an argument. They need to learn to sort it out between themselves.

teawithmilk

egoode, i would love to sit down and have a proper discussion with him about EVERYTHING.

But he will not talk to me face to face. I tried this in the summer to have a proper talk with him. He walks out of the room or just ignores me and doesnt look at me or make eye contact. Its so hard trying to get someone to communicate with you when they absoultely refuse! ts like dealing with a toddler. He says he has nothing to say to me. He has said several times (including in front of DD) when I have been trying to get him to talk to me that he "can't stand the sight of me". What can I say to that? I cant FORCE him to talk to me, believe me I have tried. I thought he would have come round by now and want at least a civil talk about DD but clearly not.

I know that I have tried to do my best, tried to make his life easier, done so much to make the transition for him easier but instead of being grateful for this he resents me even more!

thorsoak

TWM - I think that you need to take a leaf out of his book .....ignore him!

Just don't listen to the rubbish that he sends you by email/text or even face to face. Make every request to him by email (set your emails so that you can see when they have been read, even if not acknowledged), keep a paper copy as well. In fact I'm going to contradict myself here - don't make requests - just state what DD NEEDS! Also copy DD into the email so that she knows just where things are at.

Then -operation broken record starts - after one week re-send the email with note saying "please attend to this asap" - and keep resending until he does it. You can ignore his rantings - after all what can he do to you now? Nothing!

DD is getting to the age when she will question everything - and decide what she does and does not want to do. But you're going to have to sit down with her - as the responsible parent - and make it clear that the relationship is not a three-way thing - mum/daughter/dad - it is now just daughter/dad and daughter/mum. She'll have to negotiate with her dad if she doesn't want to go.

triple_choc_chip

If it's a PAYG phone you don't need the account details. You or she can pay for a top up at any supermarket or one stop shop, post office or garage etc. Top ups are anything from £5.

Follow the instructions on the receipt and then key in the 10-12 digits.

There. that's another thing you don't need him for!

CH27

I would be taking control of the phone away from him & getting your DD a new one that you can keep topped up for her safety.
He's only using the phone as a stick to beat you with so take the stick away.

paulineb_2

CH27 wrote: »

I would be taking control of the phone away from him & getting your DD a new one that you can keep topped up for her safety.
He's only using the phone as a stick to beat you with so take the stick away.

Totally agree. Look for a deal with unlimited texts and minutes, save you having to top up all the time.

DigForVictory

Tea! Oh honeybunch, what a hellish weekend for you & both your beloved girls. Poor DD to feel so utterly unloved by her father & to need to tub on return from what was the family home. Plus him behaving like a petulant brat. (DD has her youth as a mostly reasonable excuse - he hasn't!)

Yes, mediate as far as you can. It's thankless now, but it's the right thing to do (& be seen to be doing, oh gods) for the future. I'll presume DD doesn't see the text messages. Let her hang onto such illusions as she can if they comfort her.

He does not need to know where you live. Not even if he's returning a sick daughter to you - I'd be meeting him at the hospital. He doesn't need to know how the house is financed. Not his business. If it burns down, DD will need her bed for the night, but that's pretty much the limit. You are not deceiving him - he hasn't asked. If he sees you driving, if he recognises you - what of it? You do not know what he thinks &, more importantly, you are not responsible for what he thinks.

RSA is spot on, do not write off a tuppence of his bills that you have paid. Keep the finances logged. Maybe keep copies at work. If you ever do get a ha'penny, we all know you'll spend it on DD or something for the both of you!

All the best with the CSA. Not a step you wanted to take, but if he won't talk, or text or email reasonably, he can try that behaviour on the CSA. He can't set terms. He's lost that right.

I agree completely with other posts - go phone shopping with DD & get her her own SIM on a unlimited texts & minutes contract. (You may have to get a new handset depending on the phone service provider.) If he's playing silly waggons, work straight past him.

You may need to have a really lumpy chat with your daughter about that - you left as you're a grownup. She can't do quite the same thing as she isn't, yet. Which will definitely trigger "It's not fair!", & this time she's dead right, it isn't. However, life is not fair & you do expect her to spend a few hours a week with her father & accompany him to family gatherings (given notice!), until she is both old enough & adamant enough to stand up in front of a magistrate. Which may be very tempting, but it takes a solicitor too & those are expensive. Until "not safe" unpacks to mean more than "uncomfortable", at which point a strategic wicked cold is strongly recommended, behind which you keep DD beside you as you get advice.

Meantime, when do you get a few minutes to go & see your mum without hauling DD along? (I'm sure she's a wonderful granddaughter, but you need a few minutes time to yourself, not answerable to anyone, each week. Plus time to plan to do such a job in, without having to explain, or negotiate!)

Can you work out a "daughter swap" with another family where you take a daughter for one evening a week & they take DD? Not that you want rid of her, just that you need time to do your things.

Keep up the splendid work, running your life, loving your daughter, trying to keep in personal touch with your mum - and know that we're here, cheering you every step of the way. It isn't as good as real actual help, but it's better than thinking you're on your own.

paulineb_2

Id actually say if she doesnt want to see her father, that should be her choice, even if its a temporary measure. I know kids who are younger than the OP's daughter who have chosen not to see the parent they dont live with.

Of course the ideal situation is that she has a decent relationship with her father and of course thats what everyone should be trying to work towards.

If he cannot keep his house in a hygienic condition, there is absolutely no way he should expect her to stay overnight with him.

Also, given that hes stubborn and not very pleasant at times, that might just be how he is and what everyone else is used to. But rather than mediate, Id be saying to him quite strongly, wind your neck in and stop trying to play our daughter off against the pair of us, shes what, 12 years old?

Hes the person that needs to make some changes to his behaviour. Big time. You made the decision to leave him, you had your reasons. I absolutely understand that when parents divorce some kids end up being caught in the middle, particularly if its been a painful breakdown.

But if visits to him arent productive and are just making your daughter upset and/or stressed, apart from the hygiene issue, Id be sitting her down and saying do you actually want to stay over with your dad a couple of nights a week?

If she says no, I dont want to stay in a smelly house, then fair enough, he can get off his backside and meet her away from there and the staying over will continue once hes got his lazy backside in gear and actually cleans his house on a regular basis.

paulineb_2

thorsoak wrote: »

TWM - I think that you need to take a leaf out of his book .....ignore him!

Just don't listen to the rubbish that he sends you by email/text or even face to face. Make every request to him by email (set your emails so that you can see when they have been read, even if not acknowledged), keep a paper copy as well. In fact I'm going to contradict myself here - don't make requests - just state what DD NEEDS! Also copy DD into the email so that she knows just where things are at.

Then -operation broken record starts - after one week re-send the email with note saying "please attend to this asap" - and keep resending until he does it. You can ignore his rantings - after all what can he do to you now? Nothing!

DD is getting to the age when she will question everything - and decide what she does and does not want to do. But you're going to have to sit down with her - as the responsible parent - and make it clear that the relationship is not a three-way thing - mum/daughter/dad - it is now just daughter/dad and daughter/mum. She'll have to negotiate with her dad if she doesn't want to go.

Im not sure that a 12 year old kid should be negotiating with her dad if she doesnt want to go. She doesnt want to go because his house stinks, thats his fault entirely.

In that situation I think the mum would be absolutely entitled to say, our daughter will be staying at your house again when you actually get your act together and clean.

No one wants to stay overnight in a house when you dont know the last time bedding has been washed and changed and you come home reeking of whatever smell thats sticking to you.

If the relationship has broken down to the extent where the parents cannot communicate and it seems in this instance the communication is very one way, ie the OP is trying and he either just ignores or is nasty, then perhaps its time to try family mediation, he might still say no, but at least the OP has tried.

I know a family who have split and the son who is younger than the OP's daughter did not want to see his dad and he had very good reason and he wasnt forced to.

Yes the girl ideally wants to have some relationship with him, as good as it can be under the circumstances, but I dont think in this instance it should be down to the daughter to say I dont want to stay with you because your home stinks.

If the mum cant actually say this to the dad because of his fiery reaction, then its possibly time to get impartial third party mediators involved.

The house stinks, she doesnt feel safe there. In that situation I wouldnt be sending her overnight until he got his act together.

teawithmilk

Hello again, I was hoping to come back with positive news but no such luck!

I got the final electricity/gas bill and it was a big bill...£300.

I ended up having a falling out with my sister (I feel really let down by my family as they have just not been bothered with me for the last 6 months) because I had got the final bill sent to her house to avoid him seeing my new address if I had to give him a copy of the bill. Her husband went in a strop about it because he opened it (even though it was addressed to me) and he said I was "bringing bad debt to their address". I tried to explain that it wasnt bad debt anyway as it was just a final bill, not even a reminder, and would get paid immediately! and once it was paid that would be the end of it. The bill is in my name not his and I paid it the day after I received it. So no bad debt linked to their address at all! So I am now out of pocket to him by £600. All from being kind and paying his bills and helping him keep a roof over his head,

He is accusing me of stopping DD going round to see him (not true) I think he was expecting her yesterday but she has misplaced her key to his house and can often change her mind on a school night if she wants to see him or not anyway...I only find out when I get home, she never texts us to let either of us know so its not ME stopping her going. She tends to see him midweek and Fridays/Saturday. But she can be stubborn and if she changes her mind I cant force her to go!

Im trying to make sense of the CSA website. i need to make time to phone them. I'm so angry now.

even though he has been promising me money for the last 4 weeks nothing has materialised. The last text I got from him said that he was "a bit short of money himself this month" Then I got this today:


If you actually made sure XX had her key and came round when she says she will then you would have cash.



I am not that well off myself .


You are the one who decided to 'go-it-alone'. Didn't your books tell you about working out finances first?


Why am I having to also pay for the underestimation of fuel bills?


Yes the last 9 months would be down to me but not the two years before that. This winter has been mild and I've not used a lot of heating unlike the previous two winters...


I am sure that the gas cost reflects the longer period with us all at that house.


And stop using my work email address