Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

egoode

Sorry to hear he's being difficult I hope you can get things sorted out soon.

teawithmilk

I typed a huge update then went to submit to MSE and it disappeared again...that always happens to me.

It was a huge rant anyway so maybe I can be a bit more level headed in this one.

Basically I am losing the plot. I thought things would get easier- after all I have had a hell of a year and most things have been sorted now- I'm divorced, I have a house to live in, my mum is safe and sound in her care home.

But it all seems to be getting to me now. DD is getting very "teenagery" and whenever she comes back from seeing him she is in a foul mood and really cheeky and horrible to me. Last week we almost had a physical fight- she is nearly as big as me now (Im only 5ft 1!) and she was refusing to do some simple tidying up of her clothes and I admit I grabbed her arm and then she pushed me etc etc. Then I whacked her bottom shoved her upstairs and really shouted at her.

It was horrible. For a split second I could see myself snarling at her and thought....I'm behaving just like HIM. I'm taking my anger at him out on her because she has just come back from there and I'm behaving like a monster; it really really scared me.

it all escalated and we both ended up upset. I had a talk with her afterwards and We agreed that we have to have a way of letting each other know when we are getting angry so that we can take a step back. I tried to explain to her that I have a breaking point and if she pushes me too much I will just snap. It sounds ridiculous but we have agreed a code word that she and I can use when we are feeling angry, to let the other one know that we are getting to crunch point before we lose our temper. Seems to have worked so far as it makes us both laugh and diffuses the situation.

I thought about it for a long time- I texted my friend the whole sorry story and she said it was getting out of hand and I had to do something about it. So I asked my boss to refer me to our occy health....they can recommend counselling and my friend said she had it and it really helped. My boss is pretty good really. we get on well and I'm so grateful I have so many kind people at work.

I'm hoping this loads up OK and then I can post some more.....I have had a really bad week.

tayforth

((((((((((((TWM)))))))))))))

Well done on asking for the OH referral. I'm glad that you have a supportive boss and colleagues.

Please don't beat yourself up about what happened with DD. You talked about it afterwards and it sounds like you have both come to a sensible agreement.

Teenagers are so difficult - I was such a moody cow at that age, always bursting into tears over nothing, slamming doors, the lot. My poor mum! I was by no means the worst (and never got into trouble) but just having to put up with my mood swings must have been knackering.

When your DD is at her dad's, what do you do? You need some relaxation time to just unwind and destress. I suspect, though, that you probably spend most of that time rushing around doing chores, am I right? xxx

Caroline_a

I think that a lot of people would identify with youngsters coming back from visits to absent parents with bad behaviour/attitude problems. I guess it goes with the territory, and it will pass. It used to take a couple of days with my girls.

Enjoy the 'me' times when you are on your own, treat yourself a bit. Just be kind to you!

19lottie82

TWM, you are a great Mum, try not to stress about this incident too much, everyone is human.

I have a memory of trying to get out the house when I was grounded, aged about 14, and throwing a chunky glass ashtray at my mum, then her putting me in an arm lock. I was surprised at how strong she was :rotfl:

teawithmilk

great, the other one seems to have loaded up so I will try again.

DD has been desperate to go see HIS mum and family for ages. They are nice people, I like and respect his family. I'm happy for DD to go as she will have a great time with them. They live approx 200 miles away.

He promised her they would go at Christmas, and didn't. So he said he wanted to take her this holiday. He said he wanted the whole of the second week of the school hols with her so he could take her, so I agreed this (even though that would have been my preferred week as well to do stuff with her) but I didn't want DD missing out on seeing her Granny.

But right up until last week he wouldn't let either DD or me know if he had actually booked tickets, he said it was none of my business.

So I had her Mon-Fri last week and "delivered" her to his house Sunday night. By this point he had admitted to DD that he wasn't going to take her after all. he said he couldn't afford it and the times wouldn't work out. He seems to be telling her a lot at the moment that he "cant afford things" But he still wanted her for the Mon-Fri.

...in the meantime on Saturday evening I got an invitation by text for DD to go to her best friends for a film and a sleepover. She rarely gets invited to anything outside school these days as they have all grown out of having parties. i knew she would love this and it would cheer her up no end.

I asked him if she could go as it would be on the Tuesday (i.e. Tuesday just gone) and technically "his" time with her. At first he said no and that it was a stupid idea, according to him it wasn't important and he wouldn't let her go. This is what put me in a foul mood and led to the row with DD that I described earlier because DD came back from his house to me on the Saturday, unaware that he had refused for her to go to her friends, going on about how she felt sorry for Daddy and how I had been so awful to him and messed up everyones life. Little did she know that he was being petty about her seeing her friend and this just totally got my back up. If she had known that he had refused for her to see her best friend she would have been so upset but how could I tell her that?? But to hear her going on about how good he was was like rubbing salt in the wound.

Anyway by Sunday he eventually relented and said she could go. But I would have to pick her up, take her to her friends house and make sure she got back to him by midday on the dot the following day. So I did, for DD's sake, dropped her off at her friends and thought she would have a great time. But got a phone call at 10pm Tues to say she was upset and wanted to come home. She must have picked up a bug (probably at his manky house) because she was sick during the night when she got home ...so I was cleaning vomit off the stairs at 1am Wednesday. Then I had to get her up next day, phone into work to say I would be late, then drop her off at her dads again. I told him she had been sick and needed some TLC but he didn't appear to have any sympathy. He just texted me to say that she shouldn't have gone in the first place.

I felt even worse because the other mum whispered to me when I picked DD up that DD had been crying and saying how unhappy she was with the whole situation and how upset and confused she was that we had split up. Made me feel like such a bad mum.


So I'm dealing with all this....totally on my own. Trying to keep DD happy and give her as normal a life as possible. Trying to not have her miss out on things, have a bit of a social life, be NORMAL.

He's now saying he wants her on my birthday weekend, which means I will be on my own for my birthday. It seems a coincidence he wants that particular weekend. I said I didn't want her to go but he says he has already booked tickets to go see his family and cant cancel. When DD finds out she will be upset- she likes giving me a little hand made card and present. But if I refuse to let her go he will make me out to be the baddie - and tell her that it was my fault she didnt get to see her granny. Just seems like he always gets the upper hand in everything and is calling all the shots.

Meanwhile I have a confused and very upset little girl who is hurting inside and taking it out on me, because Im the only person she has to vent on. I feel her pain and I want to make it all better for her and give her the happy life she deserves, but I cant make it right for her because Im part of the problem and she feels she can't talk to me about it.. . and really she is such a strong and resilient little thing but she is only a baby and doesnt deserve all this carp.

sorry for long rant.

paulineb_2

If his house really is that disgusting to the point she's becoming ill. Consider not sending her. He's bullying you and he's using her to do it.

Maybe time to get mediation involved.

Gigervamp

I'm a bit busy at the moment, but I just want to say one thing. You are NOT a bad mum! He's a bad dad. Ok, that was two things!

Gotta go for a bit. x

Mojisola

paulineb wrote: »

He's bullying you and he's using her to do it.

And causing his daughter a lot of distress!

Shows how much he really cares for her.

19lottie82

TWM, I know seeing your DD so upset must be heart breaking for you but you need to remember, you are doing what is best. She may not realise that right now, but she is a child and will realise this more and more as she matures.

It might seem like the end of the world to her right now, but you have to think how many kids go through their parents divorce, and practically all of them come out the other side, including myself!

Do you really think that she would be happy if you and your ex were still together? Because I don't, and I don't think you do either.

When you were together you managed to shield her from a lot of the fights / bad stuff, and because she was so young she didn't pick up on too much on it, but if you had stayed together then I don't think this would have the been the case for much longer.

She doesn't want you to get back together, she want's you to get back together and be happy together, but as you know, that can never happen, and that's NOT your fault.

I know it's hard seeing her so upset, but keep on doing what you're doing. You're doing a great job and you'll both get there in the end x