Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

paulineb_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

Hello again, I was hoping to come back with positive news but no such luck!

I got the final electricity/gas bill and it was a big bill...£300.

I ended up having a falling out with my sister (I feel really let down by my family as they have just not been bothered with me for the last 6 months) because I had got the final bill sent to her house to avoid him seeing my new address if I had to give him a copy of the bill. Her husband went in a strop about it because he opened it (even though it was addressed to me) and he said I was "bringing bad debt to their address". I tried to explain that it wasnt bad debt anyway as it was just a final bill, not even a reminder, and would get paid immediately! and once it was paid that would be the end of it. The bill is in my name not his and I paid it the day after I received it. So no bad debt linked to their address at all! So I am now out of pocket to him by £600. All from being kind and paying his bills and helping him keep a roof over his head,

He is accusing me of stopping DD going round to see him (not true) I think he was expecting her yesterday but she has misplaced her key to his house and can often change her mind on a school night if she wants to see him or not anyway...I only find out when I get home, she never texts us to let either of us know so its not ME stopping her going. She tends to see him midweek and Fridays/Saturday. But she can be stubborn and if she changes her mind I cant force her to go!

Im trying to make sense of the CSA website. i need to make time to phone them. I'm so angry now.

even though he has been promising me money for the last 4 weeks nothing has materialised. The last text I got from him said that he was "a bit short of money himself this month" Then I got this today:


If you actually made sure XX had her key and came round when she says she will then you would have cash.



I am not that well off myself .


You are the one who decided to 'go-it-alone'. Didn't your books tell you about working out finances first?


Why am I having to also pay for the underestimation of fuel bills?


Yes the last 9 months would be down to me but not the two years before that. This winter has been mild and I've not used a lot of heating unlike the previous two winters...


I am sure that the gas cost reflects the longer period with us all at that house.


And stop using my work email address

He's just playing games with you, I dont think for one nano second would he have paid you money if your daughter had gone round to his.

Time to call the CSA rather than use the website.

And maybe hes right in some respects, the less contact you have with him, apart from about your daughter, the better.

How he can expect you to pay for fuel bills he ran up after you left is beyond me though.

tayforth

((((TWM))))

I've just been reading up on the bits that I've missed. Haven't you been through a lot lately!! You've done amazingly well so far. Leaving your ex, renting a new place, buying a house, getting your name off the old lease, taking care of your mum and your DD, all while holding down a full-time job. Just stop and take a moment to reflect on all of that. And then give yourself a warm pat on the back.

DigForVictory is right - he is not your concern any more! Who gives a damn what he thinks. You need to put yourself and your DD first.



My advice is:

1. Contact the CSA immediately. If he goes mad, ignore him. If you must say something, tell him that he has responsibilities towards his daughter and as he won't fulfil them, you were left with no other option. Then ignore him.

2. Keep a record of what he owes. Keep asking him for it, via registered post preferably (two copies, posted from two separate post offices etc).

3. Contact a solicitor about drawing up a consent order.

4. Get your DD a new SIM. A prepaid SIM-only deal should be about £10 a month and that'll be be one more thing off your mind (and you'll take away that stick, as CH27 puts it).

5. Don't worry about having to sell the house. You are the PWC, you have to provide a home for your DD until she is at least 18.

6. If your DD doesn't want to visit her dad, don't force her. She is more important than him, and old enough to make her own decisions.



Finally (again), YOU ARE DOING REALLY WELL. Keep going - you're through the worst of it now.

xxxxxxxxxxx

teawithmilk

Thanks Tay! I'm just trying to cling on. Ringing the CSA is on my to do list this afternoon. I know for sure he will go mental. I know that's not my concern but as you have gathered by now I HATE conflict.

I do worry sometimes that if he ever came across this thread accidentally he would know exactly what I have been up to over the last 12 months!

He is playing games with me. After the last couple of nasty e mails and texts I received another one last night. It said that £200 was on the way and did I want him to have DD any days during the holidays? He also said that he was wanting to take DD to an event (an evening event) and he thought she might not go on her own with him and did i want to go with them???? !!!!!!! whats that all about?? I know why he wants me to go, its just so I can give them a lift there and back.

He is just crazy. I think he might actually have a screw loose. He alternates between being really nasty and then acting "normal" and almost friendly.

Anyway some good news: £200 did go into my account this morning so that makes up for some of the shortfall from paying his debts. Ironically he managed to transfer it into the account that he claimed he had lost the details for, so I know he was lying about that too. He thinks I am so stupid....

I have a nice weekend planned, taking DD out with one of her friends...a nice girly day out with no one to boss me around! And I'm getting my nails shellac'd with a cheapo grupon .......woo hoo. Life is good!

girlatplay

Why not say that you are unable to go to that event but suggest that DD takes a friend instead? That way you will have tried to accommodate his "concern".

RAS

teawithmilk wrote: »

. It said that £200 was on the way and did I want him to have DD any days during the holidays?

He has probably started towork out that CSA is reduced by 1/7 for every 52 nights a year that he has her stopping over. So the more nights he can claim the better from his point of view; even if Dd is not actually staying over.

She is pretty much Gillick competent now but she may need it explaining to her that she must tell you if she decides to change arrangements, for her own safety and as basic good manners.

NAR

teawithmilk wrote: »

Ringing the CSA is on my to do list this afternoon. I know for sure he will go mental. I know that's not my concern but as you have gathered by now I HATE conflict.

Good for you TWM. Understandable that you hate conflict, but I'm sure deep down you know this is a "battle" you must engage in for the sake of your daughter.

I do worry sometimes that if he ever came across this thread accidentally he would know exactly what I have been up to over the last 12 months!

At any time you can have a thread deleted by asking the Mods. You could then start a new thread, which would obviously contain only new stuff from when you start it. That may be not a bad idea.

He also said that he was wanting to take DD to an event (an evening event) and he thought she might not go on her own with him and did i want to go with them???? !!!!!!! whats that all about?? I know why he wants me to go, its just so I can give them a lift there and back.

Mmm I think he just wants a lift also. However would DD be happier if you accompanied them - is it worth discussing with her?

He thinks I am so stupid....

Lol, and we know you are not!

i have a nice weekend planned, taking DD out with one of her friends...a nice girly day out with no one to boss me around! And I'm getting my nails shellac'd with a cheapo grupon .......woo hoo. Life is good!

Excellent, something for you both to look forward to. :j

teawithmilk

I have already had a serious chat with her about letting me know what is going on in case I am delayed at work etc. She will be safe because she will either be at HIS or mine but we do need to know where she is!

Also I did mention that Daddy gets cross when she doesn't turn up...I also said that he sometimes said that it was my fault and that it was unfair for me to get the blame when she changed her mind. She took all this in and I think she realises that she needs to let us know her whereabouts!!

Mojisola

teawithmilk wrote: »

He also said that he was wanting to take DD to an event (an evening event) and he thought she might not go on her own with him and did i want to go with them???? !!!!!!! whats that all about?? I know why he wants me to go, its just so I can give them a lift there and back.

I wouldn't get involved in anything like this. Look how stressed an email from him makes you! Do you really want to spend hours in his company?

teawithmilk

Hi Mojisola, I have no intention of going anywhere like this with him! I'm just a bit gobsmacked that he even asked. Just seems very strange behaviour given what he has been saying in recent messages- just like a Jeckyl and Hyde split personality.

If he wants to take DD he can just manage it on his own. I think he is just after a free lift as it is an inconvenient location where public transport isn't great. And it goes on until very late so she couldn't bring a friend. She will not want to go on her own with him. But no doubt I will get the blame for that. I'm not responding to that e mail for a while. I will sleep on it to decide whether to reply or not.

tayforth

stripey1969 wrote: »

Once again you've made me wonder how on earth you managed to put up with him for so long. Are you sure you missed HIM on holiday, and not just having a partner? They're two very different things. One day, when you're ready, you'll meet someone else who will respect you and shower you with love and affection, and you'll realise "THIS is a partnership. THIS is what my life should have been like for the past x number of years." Trust me, been there done that. I'm looking forward to it happening for you too! x

I meant to quote this post earlier. Last July, I felt very down when the date of a holiday I'd arranged with the ex came around. Purely because he was only nice to me when on holiday (and, sometimes, not even then). I recognised why I was feeling like that, and it passed after a day or two. Totally normal thing to happen, TWM.

The other bit in bold is really inspiring. I mentioned on my thread that I've recently met someone lovely - and, while it's very early days, I like him a lot, he treats me really well and he tells me that I'm lovely. The difference between him and my ex is staggering, like day and night.

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thanks Tay! I'm just trying to cling on. Ringing the CSA is on my to do list this afternoon. I know for sure he will go mental. I know that's not my concern but as you have gathered by now I HATE conflict.

I do worry sometimes that if he ever came across this thread accidentally he would know exactly what I have been up to over the last 12 months!

He is playing games with me. After the last couple of nasty e mails and texts I received another one last night. It said that £200 was on the way and did I want him to have DD any days during the holidays? He also said that he was wanting to take DD to an event (an evening event) and he thought she might not go on her own with him and did i want to go with them???? !!!!!!! whats that all about?? I know why he wants me to go, its just so I can give them a lift there and back.

He is just crazy. I think he might actually have a screw loose. He alternates between being really nasty and then acting "normal" and almost friendly.

Anyway some good news: £200 did go into my account this morning so that makes up for some of the shortfall from paying his debts. Ironically he managed to transfer it into the account that he claimed he had lost the details for, so I know he was lying about that too. He thinks I am so stupid....

I have a nice weekend planned, taking DD out with one of her friends...a nice girly day out with no one to boss me around! And I'm getting my nails shellac'd with a cheapo grupon .......woo hoo. Life is good!

How did the phone call go?

Glad to hear that he paid you £200, that's great news. Hopefully the other £400 will follow soon!

Even more glad to hear that you are not going to the event. Have a lovely evening to yourself with a DVD and a glass or two of wine. Perfect.

I see by your posts that you are growing in strength and independence all the time. Getting your nails done is a lovely treat, and you deserve it. Enjoy xxx