Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

CH27

teawithmilk wrote: »

great, the other one seems to have loaded up so I will try again.

DD has been desperate to go see HIS mum and family for ages. They are nice people, I like and respect his family. I'm happy for DD to go as she will have a great time with them. They live approx 200 miles away.

He promised her they would go at Christmas, and didn't. So he said he wanted to take her this holiday. He said he wanted the whole of the second week of the school hols with her so he could take her, so I agreed this (even though that would have been my preferred week as well to do stuff with her) but I didn't want DD missing out on seeing her Granny.

But right up until last week he wouldn't let either DD or me know if he had actually booked tickets, he said it was none of my business.

So I had her Mon-Fri last week and "delivered" her to his house Sunday night. By this point he had admitted to DD that he wasn't going to take her after all. he said he couldn't afford it and the times wouldn't work out. He seems to be telling her a lot at the moment that he "cant afford things" But he still wanted her for the Mon-Fri.

...in the meantime on Saturday evening I got an invitation by text for DD to go to her best friends for a film and a sleepover. She rarely gets invited to anything outside school these days as they have all grown out of having parties. i knew she would love this and it would cheer her up no end.

I asked him if she could go as it would be on the Tuesday (i.e. Tuesday just gone) and technically "his" time with her. At first he said no and that it was a stupid idea, according to him it wasn't important and he wouldn't let her go. This is what put me in a foul mood and led to the row with DD that I described earlier because DD came back from his house to me on the Saturday, unaware that he had refused for her to go to her friends, going on about how she felt sorry for Daddy and how I had been so awful to him and messed up everyones life. Little did she know that he was being petty about her seeing her friend and this just totally got my back up. If she had known that he had refused for her to see her best friend she would have been so upset but how could I tell her that?? But to hear her going on about how good he was was like rubbing salt in the wound.

Anyway by Sunday he eventually relented and said she could go. But I would have to pick her up, take her to her friends house and make sure she got back to him by midday on the dot the following day. So I did, for DD's sake, dropped her off at her friends and thought she would have a great time. But got a phone call at 10pm Tues to say she was upset and wanted to come home. She must have picked up a bug (probably at his manky house) because she was sick during the night when she got home ...so I was cleaning vomit off the stairs at 1am Wednesday. Then I had to get her up next day, phone into work to say I would be late, then drop her off at her dads again. I told him she had been sick and needed some TLC but he didn't appear to have any sympathy. He just texted me to say that she shouldn't have gone in the first place.

I felt even worse because the other mum whispered to me when I picked DD up that DD had been crying and saying how unhappy she was with the whole situation and how upset and confused she was that we had split up. Made me feel like such a bad mum.


So I'm dealing with all this....totally on my own. Trying to keep DD happy and give her as normal a life as possible. Trying to not have her miss out on things, have a bit of a social life, be NORMAL.

He's now saying he wants her on my birthday weekend, which means I will be on my own for my birthday. It seems a coincidence he wants that particular weekend. I said I didn't want her to go but he says he has already booked tickets to go see his family and cant cancel. When DD finds out she will be upset- she likes giving me a little hand made card and present. But if I refuse to let her go he will make me out to be the baddie - and tell her that it was my fault she didnt get to see her granny. Just seems like he always gets the upper hand in everything and is calling all the shots.

Meanwhile I have a confused and very upset little girl who is hurting inside and taking it out on me, because Im the only person she has to vent on. I feel her pain and I want to make it all better for her and give her the happy life she deserves, but I cant make it right for her because Im part of the problem and she feels she can't talk to me about it.. . and really she is such a strong and resilient little thing but she is only a baby and doesnt deserve all this carp.

sorry for long rant.

He's playing mind games with both you & your daughter.

Encourage her to talk & let it out even though it will be painful for you both.

Mojisola

I think you may have to start explaining what's happening to her - not in an emotional way, not to 'get back' at your ex but to help her understand why you are reacting as you are.

Mojisola

teawithmilk wrote: »

He's now saying he wants her on my birthday weekend, which means I will be on my own for my birthday. It seems a coincidence he wants that particular weekend.

I said I didn't want her to go but he says he has already booked tickets to go see his family and cant cancel. When DD finds out she will be upset- she likes giving me a little hand made card and present.

But if I refuse to let her go he will make me out to be the baddie - and tell her that it was my fault she didnt get to see her granny. Just seems like he always gets the upper hand in everything and is calling all the shots.

This is classic - your birthday isn't a date that changes from year to year. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Your daughter isn't a pawn to pass around to suit his games. It's your birthday - she'll want to be with you.

If he has bought tickets before agreeing the dates with you - more fool him - but I seriously doubt it.

CH27

Mojisola wrote: »

I think you may have to start explaining what's happening to her - not in an emotional way, not to 'get back' at your ex but to help her understand why you are reacting as you are.

Yes. I think gently opening her eyes to his game will be wise.

BigAunty

teawithmilk wrote: »

I still havent gone to the CSA and he hasnt paid me any of the money he owes me for bills on his house but I'll just have to write that off.

I need to think about going to the CSA. I know that I should, but I am procrastinating again. It will open a lot of wounds with him and he will be furious. ...

You'll not be surprised that i've only been able to dip into such a huge thread.

However, around 10 months ago, you reported that you'd calculated he was obliged to pay £62 a week in child support (presumably based on the CSA guidance). By my reckoning, this is nearly £2,500 in lost income because of his resistence - that would have paid for a lot of clothing, shoes and food for your DD.

Also, forgive me, but as a newcomer to this enormous thread, where are you with getting him to take over the tenancy and all bills in full (sounds like he's agreed but then defaulted on paying you back for the last few household bills).

RAS

BA

He has taken over the tenancy but twm allowed the agency to use the deposit she paid for her tenancy to cover his new one.

he has not paid for all the utilities - think the last report was £200 towards £600 owing.

Stil no CSA as of last report.

twm

OK he is f***ing you around. The date he is taking or not taking DD to see nan is delibarate.

This is why you need the financial and family settlement; all this stuff re dates he will or will not have DD would be decided in advance instead of you leaving yourself open to perpetual bullying.

Suggestions:

1. Tell him that he has to ask you first before booking any further dates for DD other then the weekly visit.

2. Advise him that you will be seeking mediation and unless he agrees firm dates a year in advance there will be no additional visits.

3. Tell him that he knows that weekend is your birthday and that he has already told you he wanted last week to take her and did not do it, so no.

4. Tell DD that she has to stump up. In future you forward invites for sleep-overs to her and she has to ask dad if she can go when it is his night. You butt out of it.

5. Ask DD if she would like to grandma and tell her that if so, you will make arreangments later in the year. Then speak to grandma.

Gigervamp

If he's already bought tickets, then he will have already arranged the trip with his parents. As you get on well with them, can't you ring them to "check the dates"?

If they say they don't know when he's visiting them, then he can't have the tickets already booked.

NAR

teawithmilk wrote: »

But it all seems to be getting to me now. DD is getting very "teenagery" and whenever she comes back from seeing him she is in a foul mood and really cheeky and horrible to me.

Sound to me it is a mixture of her growing up, upset by parents divorcing and her pushing boundaries. All of which need handling with kid gloves.

We agreed that we have to have a way of letting each other know when we are getting angry so that we can take a step back. I tried to explain to her that I have a breaking point and if she pushes me too much I will just snap. It sounds ridiculous but we have agreed a code word that she and I can use when we are feeling angry, to let the other one know that we are getting to crunch point before we lose our temper.

Sounds like a perfect solution to a potentially very unhappy area of conflict.

So I asked my boss to refer me to our occy health....they can recommend counselling and my friend said she had it and it really helped. My boss is pretty good really. we get on well and I'm so grateful I have so many kind people at work.

Again a very positive step, especially for you.
Regarding daughter's sleepover I think you showed a great maturity in not resorting to saying "dad says you can't go."

I told him she had been sick and needed some TLC but he didn't appear to have any sympathy. He just texted me to say that she shouldn't have gone in the first place.

How pathetic is that, especially when there is every chance it is his pigsty that made her ill in the first place! :mad:

I felt even worse because the other mum whispered to me when I picked DD up that DD had been crying and saying how unhappy she was with the whole situation and how upset and confused she was that we had split up. Made me feel like such a bad mum.

Why a bad mum? You are doing your level best to keep everyone happy and being undermined by your ex at every opportunity. Something to discuss with your counsellor and get reassurance on.

So I'm dealing with all this....totally on my own. Trying to keep DD happy and give her as normal a life as possible. Trying to not have her miss out on things, have a bit of a social life, be NORMAL.

And from where I'm sitting doing a very good job. :T

He's now saying he wants her on my birthday weekend, which means I will be on my own for my birthday. It seems a coincidence he wants that particular weekend. I said I didn't want her to go but he says he has already booked tickets to go see his family and cant cancel. When DD finds out she will be upset- she likes giving me a little hand made card and present. Just seems like he always gets the upper hand in everything and is calling all the shots.

This is just him being controlling again. Where did the money for this suddenly appear? You need to try and enforce when his times are agreed. I bet he knows exactly what he is doing - what if it was his birthday, think of the paddy he would throw if you made arrangements with DD on his birthday.

Meanwhile I have a confused and very upset little girl who is hurting inside and taking it out on me, because Im the only person she has to vent on. I feel her pain and I want to make it all better for her and give her the happy life she deserves, but I cant make it right for her because Im part of the problem and she feels she can't talk to me about it.. . and really she is such a strong and resilient little thing but she is only a baby and doesnt deserve all this carp.

I agree with others maybe you do need to discuss some of the reasons why you and her dad divorced, some things that will help her to start understand why you weren't prepared to live with him any more. Chances are she will already recognise some of the reasons. She is at an age where she should be able to understand that no woman should be "controlled" by any man!
It may be worth talking to your doctor or a women's group for advice - maybe counselling would help DD too.

Gosh think that's plenty from me for now. BIG HUGS

NAR

TWM I hope you are getting plenty of reassurance of how good a job you are doing - all these posts are very positive towards how you are handling and dealing with all this. And I am giving my views from a male perspective, I only wish my ex wife had been as amenable as you!

BigAunty

Yes, he probably deliberately booked that clash with your birthday and provide a treat to your daughter that she can't resist, so you end up feeling exploited and betrayed.

It shows how impotent he really is that he is reduced to that kind of 'punishment' for standing up to his stinginess, emotional shortcomings and financial exploitation by leaving him.

He came across as very lazy and arrogant during the relationship and in deep denial about the separation, threatened by his loss in standard of living and the fact that it is now much harder for him to fall off the radar from debt collectors now he can't hide behind you and your credit record.

To be honest, as a teenager (though not from a broken home, as lone families were then known - an observation not a judgement), I don't think I ever had an arrangement to spend special mum time on her birthday - that was dad's job! Sorry, it would not even occur to me to spend the evening with my mum on her birthday, even though it probably makes me feel a total cow.

But, you know what, from my reading of many of your posts, you come across as a mature and resourceful person.

This is why you won't let his mind-games get you down, you will adapt and overcome the disappointment, perhaps by scheduling a special late birthday treat for the both of you.

You have moved on significantly with your life, whereas he's still in rented accommodation, borrowing from his mum, hiding from debt collectors, bitter and with no friends or social life.

You should take comfort from this when you realise that his life is so empty that he spends his time/energy on devising ways to deliberately wind you up. This is why you need to work on your emotional balance - you can't control the tricks and stunts he will play on you to sabotage your happiness but you can learn to ignore them.