Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

carefullycautious

If he finds/has found out about you buying a house he will start contributing as this will look good when trying to acquire half of your joint assets.

You really need to get a clean break, or certainly some advice about what is likely to happen.

I would not be taking a lift anywhere with him you need to be careful about your personal safety. I'm sorry to sound so negative but if this guy has depended on you all this time, reality is now creeping in and his emotional state will be unpredictable. Hence the Mr Nasty Mr nice guy stance.

Please be careful.

teawithmilk

Thanks. No I'm trying to avoid contact with him as much as poss. I don't go in the house anymore if I am dropping her off and I have given up on getting my items from his house. its just not worth arguing with him. I am a little scared of him. When he gets angry with me (even on a text message) I feel a sick feeling and start to panic.

You might be able to tell from the tone of the e mails from him that I have quoted that he thinks I am stupid or underhand for using solictors and doing background reading. He never used a solicitor during the divorce, he just signed the forms and sent them back. So if I went to him with any more documents he might just ignore them or rip them up.

So I eventually phoned CSA yesterday. The website was full of info but it was information overload, too many hyperlinks and documents- I'm not thick but it was very difficult to navigate. So I phoned and got through to the new agency which is called the child maintenance service- I spoke to two different advisors but they were both trying to say the best option was to come up with an informal arrangement. BUT THAT WONT WORK FOR ME!!

Just couldn't sleep last night again. Shattered today. DD was at his for a couple of hours last night. She didn't mention this concert/event where he wanted a lift so I assume he hasn't mentioned it to HER yet. But she DID say that he had booked a hotel abroad for the summer for him and her to go away and was looking for flights. I think he should discuss any "abroad" trips with me first before her, plus I have her passport and it runs out this year....no doubt it would somehow be my fault if he wasn't able to take her away!

RAS

Tell the CMS that you have already been trying to set up an informal arrangment for the last year and he has refused to pay, or even to refund money that like the deposit on the house.

Get a lawyer to send him a simple document requesting a financial settlement/ clean break; both sides to agree to no further payments except child maintenance.

He may just sign and return? If not, then it will involve disclosure but the chance of a court expecting you to pay him anything this side of DD completing her secondary education are minimal.

Please do it as this is preventing you moving on.

tayforth

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thanks. No I'm trying to avoid contact with him as much as poss. I don't go in the house anymore if I am dropping her off and I have given up on getting my items from his house. its just not worth arguing with him. I am a little scared of him. When he gets angry with me (even on a text message) I feel a sick feeling and start to panic.

You might be able to tell from the tone of the e mails from him that I have quoted that he thinks I am stupid or underhand for using solictors and doing background reading. He never used a solicitor during the divorce, he just signed the forms and sent them back. So if I went to him with any more documents he might just ignore them or rip them up.

So I eventually phoned CSA yesterday. The website was full of info but it was information overload, too many hyperlinks and documents- I'm not thick but it was very difficult to navigate. So I phoned and got through to the new agency which is called the child maintenance service- I spoke to two different advisors but they were both trying to say the best option was to come up with an informal arrangement. BUT THAT WONT WORK FOR ME!!

Just couldn't sleep last night again. Shattered today. DD was at his for a couple of hours last night. She didn't mention this concert/event where he wanted a lift so I assume he hasn't mentioned it to HER yet. But she DID say that he had booked a hotel abroad for the summer for him and her to go away and was looking for flights. I think he should discuss any "abroad" trips with me first before her, plus I have her passport and it runs out this year....no doubt it would somehow be my fault if he wasn't able to take her away!

Would it be worth taking a day (or half day) off work to get the rest of your stuff from the old house?

I'm not surprised that you feel sick when you have to communicate with him - he's such a nasty, unreasonable person. But please don't feel scared of him. He can't hurt you now. You're free of him legally and emotionally, there are just a few financial things to sort out and that's it! There is light at the end of the tunnel, and we are all cheering you on.

Keep on at the CSA - those two advisors don't make the rules, speak to someone else and explain what you've told us.

((((Hugs)))) You're doing great xxx

When_the_going_gets_tough

TWM the government is trying to persuade parents to set up their own arrangements but there is still a statutory scheme - details here:
http://www.cmoptions.org/en/other-arrangements/statutory-service.asp
for people like yourself.
You might also like to take a look at Adviceguide for your options.
I suspect the advisers have been primed to direct people towards informal schemes so you will need to be assertive and say that that is impossible and you want to start a statutory scheme. It will cost some money eventually but I don' think the charges have been brought in yet.
Good luck x

Eager_Elephant

When_the_going_gets_tough wrote: »

TWM the government is trying to persuade parents to set up their own arrangements but there is still a statutory scheme - details here:
http://www.cmoptions.org/en/other-arrangements/statutory-service.asp
for people like yourself.
You might also like to take a look at Adviceguide for your options.
I suspect the advisers have been primed to direct people towards informal schemes so you will need to be assertive and say that that is impossible and you want to start a statutory scheme. It will cost some money eventually but I don' think the charges have been brought in yet.
Good luck x

The cynical side of me can't help thinking they are pushing people into sorting their own arrangements until the fee charging comes in (later this year) and then when it is in they will encourage everyone to use their services.:cool:

On_My_Lonesome

1027 posts I have just read. Numb b*m but could not stop reading. I read the first post last night and saved the thread to read tonight........... didn't notice how long the thread was, I've not even moved for coffee.

TWM you have done a fantastic job, you can see through your posts how far you have come in the last year. Take a moment to step back and read a few of your posts throughout this thread and you will see it for yourself.

You are an inspiration for your DD. She may not see it yet, I didn't see how strong my Mum was when I was 11 but I certainly did later on and still do now.

Be proud of yourself!

If you come as far in the next year as you have in the last you will be laughing at his texts when he has a strop rather than feeling sick.

Get on with sorting the CSA or whatever it is called now and finding out more about the clean break. You can do it, If you don't want the money from the CSA put it straight into a savings account for DD for when she goes to uni.

NAR

Well TWM any progress with the CSA?

Also some non-EU countries insist on 6(?) months being left on a passport at date of departure. Also I think he has to have your permission before taking DD out of the country (if for any reason you decided to be awkward about it).

teawithmilk

Hi NAR, thanks for checking in on me!

Im having a nightmare with him at the moment. Its really getting me down.

He is planning on taking her to France so I guess the passport wont be an issue. I will post a bit longer update later

tayforth

Good to hear from you, TWM. Sorry to hear that his behaviour is getting you down, you don't deserve all this hassle. Looking forward to your longer update xxx