Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

teawithmilk

I did miss him when I was away but the feeling didnt last long. I think you are right- I do wish I had someone around (does help to have another adult to talk to occasionally rather than an 11 yr old)

In my "chuck 5 things away a day" mode I was clearing out and found an old diary from 2009 where I had written how unhappy I was. I've been unhappy for even longer than that! It was partly inertia and the fear of leaving and worrying how I and DD would cope.

I thought I could send him one more e mail stating that I want him to properly contribute..should I warn him I might be going to CSA out of decency??....problem is that he just doesnt respond and hes such a liar- he says he doesnt get my e mails but i know at least some of them get through. And sometimes he lies and says he doesnt get my texts. Yet he goes mental and calls me rude and ignorant (by text msg) if either myself or DD dont answer his texts. Most of the time DD doesnt answer becuase she has run out of credit or the old handset he gave her has run out of charge as the battery is ancient. But he berates me for it, like I am deliberately stopping her answering her texts. He has also started to text me to tell me to stop her watching some programmes which I think are completely harmless and fine for her to watch (like "my wife and kids" on freeview) he goes off into mega rants about letting her watch rubbish television - "drivel" as he calls it. I just ignore these!! but it shows he must be able to communicate with when it suits him.

paulineb_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

I did miss him when I was away but the feeling didnt last long. I think you are right- I do wish I had someone around (does help to have another adult to talk to occasionally rather than an 11 yr old)

In my "chuck 5 things away a day" mode I was clearing out and found an old diary from 2009 where I had written how unhappy I was. I've been unhappy for even longer than that! It was partly inertia and the fear of leaving and worrying how I and DD would cope.

I thought I could send him one more e mail stating that I want him to properly contribute..should I warn him I might be going to CSA out of decency??....problem is that he just doesnt respond and hes such a liar- he says he doesnt get my e mails but i know at least some of them get through. And sometimes he lies and says he doesnt get my texts. Yet he goes mental and calls me rude and ignorant (by text msg) if either myself or DD dont answer his texts. Most of the time DD doesnt answer becuase she has run out of credit or the old handset he gave her has run out of charge as the battery is ancient. But he berates me for it, like I am deliberately stopping her answering her texts. He has also started to text me to tell me to stop her watching some programmes which I think are completely harmless and fine for her to watch (like "my wife and kids" on freeview) he goes off into mega rants about letting her watch rubbish television - "drivel" as he calls it. I just ignore these!! but it shows he must be able to communicate with when it suits him.

Id say no, dont warn him that you are going to the CSA, why invite an argument. You still to be very concerned about him, his feelings, how he'll feel and that might be a hangover from how you had to deal with him when you were married but you arent now. Hes had ample chances to contribute, he wont, this is the time to get the CSA involved.

You should not be putting up with text abuse from him either.

RAS

teawithmilk wrote: »

I did miss him when I was away but the feeling didnt last long. I think you are right- I do wish I had someone around (does help to have another adult to talk to occasionally rather than an 11 yr old)

In my "chuck 5 things away a day" mode I was clearing out and found an old diary from 2009 where I had written how unhappy I was. I've been unhappy for even longer than that! It was partly inertia and the fear of leaving and worrying how I and DD would cope.

I thought I could send him one more e mail stating that I want him to properly contribute..should I warn him I might be going to CSA out of decency??....problem is that he just doesnt respond and hes such a liar- he says he doesnt get my e mails but i know at least some of them get through. And sometimes he lies and says he doesnt get my texts.

You have lived under his shadow so long that it will fell "lonely" without him; he used to fill such an enormous amount of space in your life and head.

And it is tough being the only adult in the family and not being able to have a maon about something that happened at work or with school or DD.

The fool-proof way of delivering communications that is accepted by court is to WRITE two copies of a letter, send them from separate post offices and get free certificates of posting.

That actually meets the requirement for the serving of notices (for things like court action), so for the purposes of what you need is almost overkill.

When he says he knows nothing, tell him that you sent the two copies of the letter on x date and have prooof of posting and that would be enough to meet the legal requirements.

HOWEVER, you need to get the meters read and your name off the utility bills.

Have you rang the water board yet?

Apart from Gas and electric, you need to make sure that the TV licencing know you are no longer at the old address and cancel that DD.

Put the bit about the TV in letter about maintenance.

Caroline_a

Why do you want to contact him again to ask for maintenance for your daughter? The CSA will do that, it's their job. You've asked him several times and he's not playing ball. Let someone else do it for you now. If he throws his toys out of the pram then what can he do to you??

girlatplay

If you mention it, he will go off on one then you will be back to where you were and no further forward because you will want to wait until the dust settles, again. If you don't mention it and go straight to the CSA, he will go off on one but you will have already put wheels in motion and there will not be a thing he can do about it. So, either way, he will go off on one but if you choose the latter option you will be one step forward.

Errata

Did you get a legal financial clean break when you divorced? If you did he has no claim on the savings you used. If he didn't then he can ask the court to decide on the financial split. IIRC his share would be c£15k if split 50/50; the price of a decent car which you can cough up by way of a long term loan and re-mortgage. The cost of which will be covered by his CSA payments.

Brighton_belle

teawithmilk wrote: »

I also think in a peverse way that she is a bit cross that I am happier, she keeps saying "Its really bad that you are so happy now Mummy now you are not with Daddy" I think she almost wants to see me upset that I have left him.

Mmmm, I think this needs nipping in the bud a bit - I think you need to tell her kindly but firmly (and repeatedly as necessary) Daddy and you are very glad they had you, but grew very unhappy living together as a couple, so naturally you are happier now you don't. And it's ok for mummy to be happy. And being happy is far more important that money.
Perhaps try using example from her life about things she was unhappy about that made her happy to stop doing.

Challenge her - ask her why it is bad you are 'so happy' when living with daddy made you very miserable? Don't mummy's deserve to be happy?

She's 12 not 5 and time to develop a little bit of empathy for others methinks.

tom9980

Lots of friendly female advice from many who have been burnt in the past, so here is a male perspective.

1. The guy is a grade A loser!
2. Stop worrying about what he thinks or feels about every situation or plan.
3. Now is the time to stop paying any bill you are still paying for him.
4. You daughter needs to understand you have a right to be happy.
5. Your daughter should be told about financial situations so that she can understand why money is tight including that dad needs to pay child support.
6. Its time to get CSA!

RAS

Errata wrote: »

Did you get a legal financial clean break when you divorced? If you did he has no claim on the savings you used. If he didn't then he can ask the court to decide on the financial split. IIRC his share would be c£15k if split 50/50; the price of a decent car which you can cough up by way of a long term loan and re-mortgage. The cost of which will be covered by his CSA payments.

No clean break; one of the potential issues for the future.

NAR

teawithmilk wrote: »

I thought I could send him one more e mail stating that I want him to properly contribute..should I warn him I might be going to CSA out of decency??

Put your CSA claim in and then email him to the effect that as he has failed to provide financially properly for his daughter you have had no choice but to turn to the CSA and that they will be in touch with him in due course.