Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

teawithmilk

No I didnt get a clean break agreement and I am afraid this will haunt me for the rest of my life (I have a good pension because I have been paying in since I was 21- he only started paying into a pension at 32)

When I tried to discuss splitting up with him he didnt listen and didn't belive me. He wouldnt talk to me whatsoever. I asked him to move out of our rented house numerous times- He would get angry and shout "Right then I'll do it!" but he never did. This would have been far easier and less disruptive and upsetting to DD but in the end I just had to bite the bullet and have the hassle and expense of renting a short term let.

The difficulty I have had to go through to get my name off the lease at the house that he is currently at shows that even if I put a bomb under him he wouldnt get up and do anything, unless it suited him/interested him. He is quite capable of doing anything if he likes the idea, but try and get him to do anything that doesn't suit him and he digs his heels in and wont budge. So trying to get him to fill in any forms about financial disclosure would have been virtually impossible and would have just dragged on and on. Whatever the future consequences I just felt, at that moment in time, I had to just jump in feet first and make a decision about where we were to live long term.

So when I filed for divorce I suppose that was the first time that it hit home to him that I was serious about the whole thing. When I moved out he probably just thought that I was going off in a strop or something and would come back after a month or two. My solicitor (in letters) did advise him to get his own solictor and I also said to him (even though he was trying to do his best to ignore me and pretend that I wasnt standing in the same room) that he ought to take it seriously.

We never even discussed money...he just wouldnt even have a conversation with me.

I had seen this little house that would be perfect for myself and DD and it was just at the right price that i could afford. I also had mortgage advice and the advisor said that it would be harder and more expensive to get a mortgage as time went on as I am into my 40's - so couldnt get a 25yrs mortgage anyway.

Every year would make a difference in higher mortgage repayments or make it that bit more difficult to get approved for a mortgage....plus house prices where I am living are going up- there is now very little choice in the price bracket that I can afford. This house ticked most of my boxes and was a perfect location for DDs school bus and amenities like the doctors/supermarket etc.... Ironically it is literally round the corner from the house that Ex is living in. He still doesnt know where we are living and has never asked!! DD is very good about keeping it quiet. I've never asked her to lie, but she has never discussed it with him. Shows how much interest he has in me/us- not that it bothers me as it suits me not to have to answer any awkward questions from him about the house.

When_the_going_gets_tough

TWM I think you have done brilliantly through this whole thing and I am so pleased that you have managed to sort the tenancy out. You can only deal with all this one step at a time and when you are ready to do so. Right now you are rebuilding your life with your daughter and I expect that takes up all your energy. Once you have got your name off any thing to do with the old house (utilities,TV water etc) you will probably want to just pause for breath! You are free at any time to start a claim with the child maintenance service or to seek some legal advice to protect your long term assets - but you don't have to do it all now. You come across as such a strong person I am sure you will sort everything out when the time is right for you.

DigForVictory

Tea!
Honeygirl, you are doing brilliantly - and whilst it is marvellous your boss appreciates you, you can only be in one place at one time. So, the extra money would be nice, but the extra nervous breakdown won't be.

DD sulking at you a bit? Loving her as you do, that has to hurt. Picking you diary page carefully, show her that you were not happy in 2009. Picking your wording carefully, assure her that she is loved & that the split is not her fault, but that it is not reasonable to live in unhappiness & so you left. Taking the one most important thing - her - with you. That you sorted this house with her needs in mind too.

That her pals are all apparently comfortably off is somewhat lumpy but much better careful financial management & the odd small break than massive stress for a "destination" venue that doesn't always turn out to be the sunshine & roses hoped for. (Of course money helps there, but expectation management, & opportunity seizing are seperate skills.)

Of course money is tight. That's why CSA exists. Some fathers pay it promptly & reliably, others don't & while we can all guess which camp your ex may land in, if you don't ask, you are making a rod for your own back as well as definitely won't get, potentially depriving your DD.

I don't want to add emotional blackmail to the hassles you are facing daily, but this is honestly the next straightforward step. You'd love to cut him from your life (whilst allowing here may be someone time future) but until DD can say flatly she doesn't want to be with him, ever & mean it, he'll be an unwanted part of your life, like backache.

The other reason for the CSA route? Other than the hope of money for DD? Is that every time he doesn't pay, you have a neutral third party demonstrating by the lack of twitch in the specified bank account, that no matter how sweet he may be to her in person, he won't actually pay for her to eat, dress, study or do anything unless she's there in attendance. Which is a rough lesson & thus best taught via the CSA.

The clean break paperwork may be worth trying for, but if he has a claim of any sort on your pension, you do on his. For the time being, I'd let it lie.

If he won't take you seriously, that will be his loss. You've given him much, including a superb daughter, & if he is not minded to appreciate *any* of these considerations, even your daughter will figure out why you left her dad. And love & respect you all the more for it, as we do.

msb5262

DigForVictory, I wish I could thank your post more than once! You said it all.

teawithmilk

Thank you all, ....digforvictory I have had to retreat to my office and shut the door as I am welling up after your kind words. Dont want the blokes at work to see me upset.

I'm starting to do some really deep thinking about the last 20yrs now that I have a bit more time to breathe. DD is great at helping me with this- for an 11 yr old she is incredibly astute. She says she wants to be a psychologist when she grows up. She would be good at that...It sounds like she helps her friends a lot at school to try and sort out their problems and reassure them. Sometimes the things she says amaze me. A while ago when I was getting upset she made me tell her 5 things that were worrying me... of course I had to tell her more minor things (not that I was scared of losing the house as this would have completely freaked her out!) but she came up with a solution for each one and said "...you dont have to worry and your problems dont seem as big do they mummy??"

Then last night she was talking about how many house moves we had done- in her 11 years she has lived in 10 different houses! mainly because some of the rented houses we have been in have only been 6 month lets. This was also due to job moves etc. So now I have been in my current job for 4 years- which I must admit is quite a long time for me. Ive always hopped around jobs when I got bored or wanted a new challenge. When we were driving back from our break away last week I thought about how nice it would be to work in the countryside again and just casually said this out loud to DD. So she must have remembered this and brought it up in this conversation about houses and said "Do you know Mummy I think you are addicted to change!" Well I was pretty gobsmacked by this as she hit the nail right on the head. But what a strange thing for an 11 yr old to say??!! And doing some reading on the internet I can see that sometimes I must have been moving jobs and houses probably to try and get away from the bigger problem. I changed jobs and locations because I thought it might make Ex (and by default myself) happier and make me feel like I was doing something positive and moving forward rather than running away from the underlying problems!

So I have this new house and know that DD will be at this school for at least another 5-6 years so I can finally try to put down some roots and calm down a bit.....

thorsoak

Yes, it sounds as if you have in the past been trying to run away from the problems in your life. Now you've faced them!

Errata

Your daughter is very perceptive. It would be worth having a long hard think about what's she said, and also think about your degree of impulse control.

teawithmilk

I know. It never struck me before that it was a problem with changing things, I thought it was a positive thing, but it took DD pointing it out for me to realise and ask myself- is it THAT obvious??? Am I really behaving like this and not realising it? does it take a child to see that??!!

well now I'm tied into a 10yr fixed mortgage I cant move house easily and DD is at school - so no flitting round the country anymore. Time to get my act together and sort out some proper realistic sensible goals and plans.

teawithmilk

Great. just had a tearful phone call from DD about bullying on the bus (see my other post) Life just gets better........

NAR

Oh dear just be positive with her and point out these morons failings.