Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

Mojisola

girlatplay wrote: »

I also agree with paulineb, don't bail him out, EVER. EVER. EVER!! No matter what he says, no matter how he tries to sweet talk/guilt trip/blackmail you. Just don't do it.

And when he finds you won't bail him out, be prepared for the "DD will suffer if you don't pay towards my gas/electric/phone bill".

If he gets himself into a mess, he needs to sort himself out.

If being in a mess means he can't have DD to stay with him or he can't afford to take her out places, that's something for him to solve so that he can. If he cares for her, he will.

earthmother

I've been following this thread for a long time now, and just wanted to say well done for everything you've achieved.

Just a quick mention on the tool kit front ... if you can't make it to Ikea, Homebase has a few kits on sale at the moment ... I'm picking up this one, has pretty much all I'd need for basic jobs around the house (shelves, flatpacks etc) ...

http://www.homebase.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?langId=110&storeId=10151&partNumber=693385

girlatplay

earthmother wrote: »

Just a quick mention on the tool kit front ... if you can't make it to Ikea, Homebase has a few kits on sale at the moment ... I'm picking up this one, has pretty much all I'd need for basic jobs around the house (shelves, flatpacks etc) ...

http://www.homebase.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?langId=110&storeId=10151&partNumber=693385

Ooh, that's a nice one. It has a spirit level! I want one :cool::)

stripey1969

TWM, that's brilliant! Must be a weight off your mind. Please don't ever question yourself and what you did - everything you've said about him, and everything he's done since you left him, just proves you did the right thing. xx

teawithmilk

Thanks Stripey. Im taking DD away for a couple of nights to the Peak District (just a cheapo groupun offer) over the weekend so that will be nice- we can still have the odd treat even though Im basically a single parent on one wage now....but I'm trying to keep it cheap and watch the pennies. She breaks up this week and I thought that ex might want to take her to see his family but as usual he hasnt answered my texts.

Ive contacted BT and have cancelled the contract.

Just need to try and get in the house and take readings now. im sure he has stuff rigged up to see if anyone has been in the house (he has pathetic little schoolboy tricks like sticking sticky tape on doors to see if they have been opened!!) so I'd rather not sneak in.

spirit

teawithmilk wrote: »

Just need to try and get in the house and take readings now. im sure he has stuff rigged up to see if anyone has been in the house (he has pathetic little schoolboy tricks like sticking sticky tape on doors to see if they have been opened!!) so I'd rather not sneak in.

If the tenancy is still in your name TWM, you are entitled to go in there.

Just_a_Girl_2

You're not sneaking in. The house is still in your name and legally, you have every right to enter.

When_the_going_gets_tough

Hope all is going Ok for you teawithmilk and you are finally managing to sever all financial ties with your ex. x

teawithmilk

Hi sorry I have been AWOL. There has been a lot going on as usual. Im busy at work, my boss is thinking about retiring and he has hinted that he wants me to take over when he goes (its not his final decision, it would have to go to open interview but he could certainly help me to get the job if he wanted)

This is both flattering (that he respects me enough, as he loves his job and takes great pride in it) and scary as it is even more stressful and demanding than my current job. He has put it to me that we could make savings if I got his job then we just struck my job off the structure but that would mean I was basically doing my job AND his because all my current work would still have to be done by someone and there would be no one to replace me! So it would be a bit of a double edged sword IYSWIM.

My little break away went OK, weather was pants and the hotel was pretty basic. I'm not moaning at all-we enjoyed it but I am thinking now we shouldnt go away for a while and maybe try to save up for a better quality holiday (abroad) even if it means waiting a few years. DD is used to fairly good hotels as Ex never skimped on holidays so she has had a bit of a reality check when she sees what a single parent can afford. It doesnt help that a lot of her friends are very affluent and take trips all over the place, NZ, Iceland, the States etc. I can tell she isnt meaning to be critical or spoilt but she cant help saying that she is sad we have no money! Her BF for example is being taken to New York for her 12th birthday, I would love to go to New York and by coincidence a week or two ago was actually seeing how much flights cost (just out of interest) when DD mentioned her friends trip to me. So now even if I managed to scrape the money thogether for next year it would look like we were copying!!!!!!!! I cant afford it anyway, it would be thousands of pounds for a flight and hotel and my next priority is a newer car as mine is on its last legs.

Strangely I got a bit depressed when I was away- holidays with Ex were one time when we did tend to get on and enjoy ourselves and I hate to say it but I did sort of miss him. I could tell DD was missing having him around too. I dont know why becuase he hasnt started to be any nicer or communicative with me. So then i get angry with myself for being so silly. He isnt missing me- so I should just snap out of it. He has been so horrible to me, but I cant bring myself to hate him, I still care about him.

Anyway after a major battle he did go sign the lease. I had to set it all up for him. The lady at the letting agency e mailled me to say it was ready to sign yet he hadnt been in contact with them. I had to text him numerous times, he wouldnt answer and it was only DD who told me that he had taken her with him when he signed the lease. Ive transferred council tax to his name now so both rent and council tax are not my responsibility anymore. I just need to sort out utilities now.

He keeps demanding all keys back- when I moved out I took the front door key with me- it was the only copy we had and Ive gone and flippin lost it somewhere. I have been juggling so many sets of keys that I have put it somewhere "safe"

It will turn up but in the meantime every now and then he sends me an angry text demanding it back.

He still isnt paying me a penny towards DD even though Im paying for 99% of stuff for her like school lunches etc. All he pays for is top-ups on her phone as its all set up in his name(he gave her his old handset). He didnt even pay the letting agency fee for change of name on the tenancy in the end- I had to pay that by cheque to hurry things along otherwise the whole things would have stalled.....but Im trying not to get too angry about that and telling myself its worth it to get my name off the lease. I asked him for it back by text msg but he just hasnt replied. The bond has also gone into his name but Im not bothered about that as he claimed he gave me the money for that years ago. Again, Im not going to be petty about it. I just want to cut all ties now.

But Im worried that if I go to the CSA it will open a can of worms again..... it will make him even more angry again and Im only just starting to relax and think that I can see and end to this thing. I dont need loads of money from him, just a contribution towards essentials. It would make DDS life nicer if I could provide a few more treats for her rather than us just "existing".....we are no where near in poverty and Im grateful every day for that and keep telling DD how lucky we are but money is very tight. And I know deep down she knows that it is sort of "my fault" for leaving her Dad and that we would have more spare cash if we were together as a family. I also think in a peverse way that she is a bit cross that I am happier, she keeps saying "Its really bad that you are so happy now Mummy now you are not with Daddy" I think she almost wants to see me upset that I have left him.

Im able to do more stuff, like I have joined a cheap gym (£60 for 3 months). I was never able to do this when I was with him as he just used to put me down and take the mickey out of me whenever I suggested I get fit, even though he used to call me fat, unfit and said I had a bad diet. Im not overweight but I do have a wobbly tummy and bingo wings! I can finally get a bit more toned up without sarky comments.

He had an expensive treadmill (which he didnt use and used as a clothes hanger) but he wouldnt let me use it as it was "his"

paulineb_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

Hi sorry I have been AWOL. There has been a lot going on as usual. Im busy at work, my boss is thinking about retiring and he has hinted that he wants me to take over when he goes (its not his final decision, it would have to go to open interview but he could certainly help me to get the job if he wanted)

This is both flattering (that he respects me enough, as he loves his job and takes great pride in it) and scary as it is even more stressful and demanding than my current job. He has put it to me that we could make savings if I got his job then we just struck my job off the structure but that would mean I was basically doing my job AND his because all my current work would still have to be done by someone and there would be no one to replace me! So it would be a bit of a double edged sword IYSWIM.

My little break away went OK, weather was pants and the hotel was pretty basic. I'm not moaning at all-we enjoyed it but I am thinking now we shouldnt go away for a while and maybe try to save up for a better quality holiday (abroad) even if it means waiting a few years. DD is used to fairly good hotels as Ex never skimped on holidays so she has had a bit of a reality check when she sees what a single parent can afford. It doesnt help that a lot of her friends are very affluent and take trips all over the place, NZ, Iceland, the States etc. I can tell she isnt meaning to be critical or spoilt but she cant help saying that she is sad we have no money! Her BF for example is being taken to New York for her 12th birthday, I would love to go to New York and by coincidence a week or two ago was actually seeing how much flights cost (just out of interest) when DD mentioned her friends trip to me. So now even if I managed to scrape the money thogether for next year it would look like we were copying!!!!!!!! I cant afford it anyway, it would be thousands of pounds for a flight and hotel and my next priority is a newer car as mine is on its last legs.

Strangely I got a bit depressed when I was away- holidays with Ex were one time when we did tend to get on and enjoy ourselves and I hate to say it but I did sort of miss him. I could tell DD was missing having him around too. I dont know why becuase he hasnt started to be any nicer or communicative with me. So then i get angry with myself for being so silly. He isnt missing me- so I should just snap out of it. He has been so horrible to me, but I cant bring myself to hate him, I still care about him.

Anyway after a major battle he did go sign the lease. I had to set it all up for him. The lady at the letting agency e mailled me to say it was ready to sign yet he hadnt been in contact with them. I had to text him numerous times, he wouldnt answer and it was only DD who told me that he had taken her with him when he signed the lease. Ive transferred council tax to his name now so both rent and council tax are not my responsibility anymore. I just need to sort out utilities now.

He keeps demanding all keys back- when I moved out I took the front door key with me- it was the only copy we had and Ive gone and flippin lost it somewhere. I have been juggling so many sets of keys that I have put it somewhere "safe"

It will turn up but in the meantime every now and then he sends me an angry text demanding it back.

He still isnt paying me a penny towards DD even though Im paying for 99% of stuff for her like school lunches etc. All he pays for is top-ups on her phone as its all set up in his name(he gave her his old handset). He didnt even pay the letting agency fee for change of name on the tenancy in the end- I had to pay that by cheque to hurry things along otherwise the whole things would have stalled.....but Im trying not to get too angry about that and telling myself its worth it to get my name off the lease. I asked him for it back by text msg but he just hasnt replied. The bond has also gone into his name but Im not bothered about that as he claimed he gave me the money for that years ago. Again, Im not going to be petty about it. I just want to cut all ties now.

But Im worried that if I go to the CSA it will open a can of worms again..... it will make him even more angry again and Im only just starting to relax and think that I can see and end to this thing. I dont need loads of money from him, just a contribution towards essentials. It would make DDS life nicer if I could provide a few more treats for her rather than us just "existing".....we are no where near in poverty and Im grateful every day for that and keep telling DD how lucky we are but money is very tight. And I know deep down she knows that it is sort of "my fault" for leaving her Dad and that we would have more spare cash if we were together as a family. I also think in a peverse way that she is a bit cross that I am happier, she keeps saying "Its really bad that you are so happy now Mummy now you are not with Daddy" I think she almost wants to see me upset that I have left him.

Im able to do more stuff, like I have joined a cheap gym (£60 for 3 months). I was never able to do this when I was with him as he just used to put me down and take the mickey out of me whenever I suggested I get fit, even though he used to call me fat, unfit and said I had a bad diet. Im not overweight but I do have a wobbly tummy and bingo wings! I can finally get a bit more toned up without sarky comments.

He had an expensive treadmill (which he didnt use and used as a clothes hanger) but he wouldnt let me use it as it was "his"

Hes not paying anything for her though is he? Even towards essentials? He might be angry but what can he do? Its not all about him, what his reaction will be, if you dont make attempts to sort this you are losing out on money you are entitled to just for the sake of a quiet life and I cant understand this, but its about what he should be doing legally to provide for his daughter, whether he gets angry should be the least of your worries. When your daughter gets a bit older she might ask if her dad has ever given you money to help out and the answer will be nil.

As for holidays abroad, they dont need to cost thousands. I got a week in Spain in a very decent 3 star hotel all inclusive for just over £200 and my flights were also cheap