Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

LannieDuck

I think you've made up your mind and you just need someone to tell you you're doing the right thing. That's very hard for us to do over an internet forum, but from what you've written... moving out would be the right thing to do. Both for yourself and for your child (8 houses in 10 years? Poor thing).

Moving out doesn't mean it's the end of the marriage. Why don't you consider a temporary split? Get yourself and DD set up in a nice permanent home the way you want things... and see how you feel. (If you want to do things in little steps, move yourself and DD into the rented house for a little while before taking the plunge with a mortgage.) Maybe you'll miss OH, and maybe you won't. Maybe you'll feel happier than you've felt in some time. Then you'll know that divorce is the right option for you.

If the solicitor just says the same thing we've been saying, maybe it'll help to hear it from someone with authority and knowledge about these things.

There's a poster on this forum (Tayforth) who's just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship, and she's soooo much happier for it. It really comes across in her posts. Hopefully she may read this thread and give you some advice...

teawithmilk

Thank you. I have been doing so much thinking and soul searching over the last few months. I doubt my husband has even spent one minute thinking about how wierd our relationship has got, apart from coming to the conclusion that Im not up to scratch as a wife. Makes me think that after 20 years together I dont even know this man.

Read loads of psychology/ self help books in the last couple of weeks just to try and make sense of everything. Had a complete meltdown at work and burst into tears in the middle of an imprtant meeting and got referred to Occy Health and spoke to a counsellor there (I only get three sessions paid for by work) (which husband would scorn if he knew), which hasnt really given me any answers but I can see some patterns and familiar things in some of the books...I do try and control things too much now and stress about things as I have a fear of everything coming crashing down..I've taken a lot of quick decisions in my life, about changing jobs, moving house (hence the enormous amount of moving around I've done!) I came so close to bankruptcy and losing everything 3 years ago that I have turned into this wibbling wreck who can't even make a decision about what to have for lunch never mind anything else.

LannieDuck

Do you have any close family or friends you could confide in and talk it over with?

Mojisola

teawithmilk wrote: »

I have been with him for 20 years and deep down I know he is never going to change. But Im still scared. Ive also had a bad chest infection and am exhausted. Excuses excuses.

So today will probably be more money wasted as she will give me the same advice that everyone else has and i'll be too cowardly to go through with it.

Ongoing, continual stress will have an affect on your health - the chest infection is probably the result of your situation.

It's quite normal to feel scared at the massive changes you're heading towards.

Be honest, now you've looked at the relationship, you couldn't really spend the next 20 years together, could you? So start thinking of the move as "when" rather than "if". Small shifts in your thinking can have a big effect on your actions.

teawithmilk

My family are probably sick of hearing me moaning. My mum is elderly, very old fashioned (catholic family!) and is starting to have signs of dementia. I cant talk anything over with her! She takes up a lot of my time as I pop round most days to see if she is OK. My sister is a busy working mum and I only get to see her maybe once a week. She is kind and lovely and knows I am really unhappy. She listens to me all the time but as she says she can't tell me what to do. Although she has said she thinks I would be better off without him. She says that her husband can't believe Im still with him (interesting to get blokes point of view)

My big brother who I dont see very regularly as he lives miles away thinks I am a mug staying with him and has a very low opinion of my husband. So thats what my family think to him!

My husband doesnt particularly like my family, even though they have never been anything but helpful generous and welcoming to him. He moans if my mum phones or if I talk to my sister on the phone..even though we only speak a couple of times a week he says im on the phone to them all the time. I have even taken to phoning my sister from work now, when I know she has her days off (she works part time) so he doesnt see me on the phone and can't make sarky comments. He resents me going to see my sister and hates her kids for some reason. he says they are badly behaved but they are just normal kids and actually sweet and polite.

He never keeps in touch with his family, he couldnt even be bothered to go to his sisters wedding last year. In the past I would have persuaded him to go (just like I am always the one who remembers his mums birthday and gets DD to write thank you notes and little letters during the year to his mum) for the sake of his mum and my DD so she could see her cousins (DD was desperate to go!) but I didnt bother this time.

The more I write the more I can see how this is coming across that he is just really odd!! I guess I have got used to his behaviour and started to think it was normal after all these years.

Mojisola

teawithmilk wrote: »

The more I write the more I can see how this is coming across that he is just really odd!! I guess I have got used to his behaviour and started to think it was normal after all these years.

It can be really useful to see what's "normal to you" written down - you can look at it more objectively.

Don't underestimate how the extra stress on you of what's happening to your Mum could be bringing all this to the surface.

LannieDuck

It sounds as if your family figured out your husband pretty early on. If you were to split with him, I suspect you'd get a lot of support.

You say you're having difficulty deciding what to do. Is there anyone who you've spoken to who thinks you should stay with him?

teawithmilk

Thanks, it does help to get it all of my chest! even if its a bit strange. Mu gut feeling is that I have looked after him all his life. After he finished uni he was unemployed and went to live with his parents which he hated. He would come and visit me and stay for weeks on end, which is fine when you are young and in love! I had a good job and could afford to subsidise him. I enjoyed looking after him and being generous.

When I got my first house he came to live with me permanently. He was on the dole and complained that he was too overqualified for most jobs...he would never in a million years apply for temporary work or work in a shop or pub or whatever. Still, it didnt matter as our living costs were low and I could cover everything.

We hated the house that I had bought. So after 18 months we decided to sell up. My brother gave him a job over the summer and he concocted a self cert mortgage application and bought another house that needed loads of work doing on it (houses were so cheap in those days) Of course I paid the mortgage on it even though it was in his name. But the DIY work dragged on for ages.

He went into training again to do a further degree. I supported him through that. Eventually he got a professional job and I thought that this would be the trigger to him growing up and taking some responsibility. But he hated the house we were living in, and we moved again. We moved to a really smart flat which was just what he wanted, really near his work, but I fell pregnant. The flat was fine for a baby but when she got to 2 it was awkward and cramped.

He hated his job, hated where we lived, hated everything. We found a house quite a long distance away that needed serious renovation and bought that. It was to be our dream family home, he promised it would solve all our problems. I had to get the mortgage. At this point I had already paid his debts off twice as he said he wanted to get the mortgage and he needed to be debt free but his credit record was bad so I eventually had to get it in my name (so it was pretty pointless paying his debts off in the end!)

His contract had ended so he said doing up the house would become his "job" but a project that should have taken 2 yrs max got strung out to 5 years because while I was out at work I know he just messed around on the internet and pottered around making bird boxes and gardening.

Eventually the house that we had invested so much sweat and tears in had to be sold just as we had got it perfect, because by this point I couldnt afford to keep paying the mortgage on one wage.

We moved closer back to my family (my decision) and thankfully he got a job....that was 3 years ago. I thought that all we had been through would have made him see that we needed to be sensible, not overstretch ourselves, just be a NORMAL family.

He keeps bringing up the fact that he worked hard on the house and ended up losing it/having to sell it. But he doesnt see that I also lost my dream house, I invested all my time and dreams and hopes and money in that house too, and so did DD- she had to live in chaos for months and never got to do normal kid things like dancing lessons or cinema or seeing her friends on a weekend as we were so busy either doing DIY or at the builders merchants.

Which is why I want a safe boring life for her now! My DD keeps saying in our bedtime chats/cuddles that she doesnt feel "safe". I keep trying to find out what she means by that but she cant articulate it, its just a feeling to her. I think it is to do with her Dad and I arguing so much but also that she doesnt feel like she has any "roots" ..or a home. ..this is why I brought her back to be near her grandma and cousins. as a mum it breaks my heart to hear my DD say she feels scared and "not safe" but OH says she is just being silly and dismisses it.

Errata

he is just really odd!!

'Really odd' isn't the phrase I would use, but 'nasty piece of work' is.

Mojisola

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thanks, it does help to get it all of my chest! even if its a bit strange. Mu gut feeling is that I have looked after him all his life.

You haven't got a partner, have you? You've got an adult child who is never going to become independent and will always expect you (and your child) to put his wants first.