Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

NAR

LannieDuck wrote: »

It sounds as if your family figured out your husband pretty early on. If you were to split with him, I suspect you'd get a lot of support.

teawithmilk I really do think this is true. The fear of "jumping into the unknown" is very scarey, but until you do it you won't know how good a decision (in hindsight) that it has been.

Unfortunately in these situations the biggest "victims" are usually the children. Your DD has already indicated to you her not feeling safe - she is obviously starting to worry what the outcome/future holds for her and you need to reassusre her that you will always keep her safe, no matter what happens between you and daddy.

Ongoing arguments aren't good for any of you and I think you should make your decision to move sooner rather than later, as your OH either has his head in the sand or doesn't believe you are strong enough to move on without him.

paulineb_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thanks, it does help to get it all of my chest! even if its a bit strange. Mu gut feeling is that I have looked after him all his life. After he finished uni he was unemployed and went to live with his parents which he hated. He would come and visit me and stay for weeks on end, which is fine when you are young and in love! I had a good job and could afford to subsidise him. I enjoyed looking after him and being generous.

When I got my first house he came to live with me permanently. He was on the dole and complained that he was too overqualified for most jobs...he would never in a million years apply for temporary work or work in a shop or pub or whatever. Still, it didnt matter as our living costs were low and I could cover everything.

We hated the house that I had bought. So after 18 months we decided to sell up. My brother gave him a job over the summer and he concocted a self cert mortgage application and bought another house that needed loads of work doing on it (houses were so cheap in those days) Of course I paid the mortgage on it even though it was in his name. But the DIY work dragged on for ages.

He went into training again to do a further degree. I supported him through that. Eventually he got a professional job and I thought that this would be the trigger to him growing up and taking some responsibility. But he hated the house we were living in, and we moved again. We moved to a really smart flat which was just what he wanted, really near his work, but I fell pregnant. The flat was fine for a baby but when she got to 2 it was awkward and cramped.

He hated his job, hated where we lived, hated everything. We found a house quite a long distance away that needed serious renovation and bought that. It was to be our dream family home, he promised it would solve all our problems. I had to get the mortgage. At this point I had already paid his debts off twice as he said he wanted to get the mortgage and he needed to be debt free but his credit record was bad so I eventually had to get it in my name (so it was pretty pointless paying his debts off in the end!)

His contract had ended so he said doing up the house would become his "job" but a project that should have taken 2 yrs max got strung out to 5 years because while I was out at work I know he just messed around on the internet and pottered around making bird boxes and gardening.

Eventually the house that we had invested so much sweat and tears in had to be sold just as we had got it perfect, because by this point I couldnt afford to keep paying the mortgage on one wage.

We moved closer back to my family (my decision) and thankfully he got a job....that was 3 years ago. I thought that all we had been through would have made him see that we needed to be sensible, not overstretch ourselves, just be a NORMAL family.

He keeps bringing up the fact that he worked hard on the house and ended up losing it/having to sell it. But he doesnt see that I also lost my dream house, I invested all my time and dreams and hopes and money in that house too, and so did DD- she had to live in chaos for months and never got to do normal kid things like dancing lessons or cinema or seeing her friends on a weekend as we were so busy either doing DIY or at the builders merchants.

Which is why I want a safe boring life for her now! My DD keeps saying in our bedtime chats/cuddles that she doesnt feel "safe". I keep trying to find out what she means by that but she cant articulate it, its just a feeling to her. I think it is to do with her Dad and I arguing so much but also that she doesnt feel like she has any "roots" ..or a home. ..this is why I brought her back to be near her grandma and cousins. as a mum it breaks my heart to hear my DD say she feels scared and "not safe" but OH says she is just being silly and dismisses it.

He sounds like a complete user and you sound like youve been carrying him for years.

Getting the job was too little too late I think, he should have got off his backside and got any work to get a wage in.

Ive got professional qualifications and most of my jobs have been where that qualification has been used. But Ive also worked in the same line of work as a basic grade worker for minimum wage, I did a job last year that wasnt much above minimum wage.

By carrying him, you've partly created a situation where hes just been able to freeload and Im not criticising you for this, it must be incredibly hard.

I posted on another thread last night, Im not married and I dont have kids, but I had two relationships with people who were useless with cash and always had someone bailing them out and I could never have been with them long term, it was bad enough in the short term.

I do think you know what you have to do, regardless of whether he does have any claim on the money you have or whether you are going to be skint for a while, it sounds like such a horribly toxic situation and you need to get out of it.

Stay and you wont have the life you deserve and neither will your daughter.

teawithmilk

I'm still seething that he had the cheek to call me a sh*t wife.

I go out to work full time and do 99% of the bringing up of our lovely fantastic daughter. I do 99% of the cleaning vaccuming and washing except when he has some sort of epiphany and decides the house is too messy with my or DDs stuff (never his) and does some sort of blitz when we are out of the house chucking stuff away of ours and hiding things in carrier bags so we cant find them. Then he goes on about it for weeks about how he was so great at tidying all our (mine and DDs) mess. I manage all the bills, manage the tenancy of the house, manage the car and do all the driving for the family as he cant be bothered or is too scared to learn to drive. I look after the family pets that he persuaded my DD to get and neither of them can be bothered to look after now!! I go to all school events on my own as he can't be bothered. I look after DD when she is sick and take her to the docs or hospital as he can't drive. DD whispered to me the other day that she doesnt like her Daddy going to school now or being seen by her friends out and about with him as she is embarrased about him. I told her off for this and told her she was wrong and being unkind and that she should love her Dad whatever, but deep down I know where she is coming from. She is getting aware about his behaviour and he has also put on a lot of weight (mainly through staying up late drinking and eating chocolate and crisps) and hasnt had his hair cut for a year! Looks arent important to me but my DD is getting more aware now that her Dad isnt looking after himself. Maybe I am looking at myself with rose tinted spectacles. I know I am not perfect. I never used to be moody or grumpy but the last 3 years has seen me turn into a bitter angry old woman (at least I feel like that)

But I dont think I have ever been anything other than a really supportive wife. He probably means that Im not all over him like a rash and letting him do/buy what whatever he wants like I used to do years ago.

Id rather be a brilliant mum to DD at the moment than waste my time trying to please him. Gosh im getting angry now...need to hold this feeling!

Errata

OP - you say your daughter has told you she doesn't feel safe and you're so terrorised you can't telephone who you want when you want when you're in your own home. If you find this shocking then you need to remove the source of danger.

paulineb_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

I'm still seething that he had the cheek to call me a sh*t wife.

I go out to work full time and do 99% of the bringing up of our lovely fantastic daughter. I do 99% of the cleaning vaccuming and washing except when he has some sort of epiphany and decides the house is too messy with my or DDs stuff (never his) and does some sort of blitz when we are out of the house chucking stuff away of ours and hiding things in carrier bags so we cant find them. Then he goes on about it for weeks about how he was so great at tidying all our (mine and DDs) mess. I manage all the bills, manage the tenancy of the house, manage the car and do all the driving for the family as he cant be bothered or is too scared to learn to drive. I look after the family pets that he persuaded my DD to get and neither of them can be bothered to look after now!! I go to all school events on my own as he can't be bothered. I look after DD when she is sick and take her to the docs or hospital as he can't drive. DD whispered to me the other day that she doesnt like her Daddy going to school now or being seen by her friends out and about with him as she is embarrased about him. I told her off for this and told her she was wrong and being unkind and that she should love her Dad whatever, but deep down I know where she is coming from. She is getting aware about his behaviour and he has also put on a lot of weight (mainly through staying up late drinking and eating chocolate and crisps) and hasnt had his hair cut for a year! Looks arent important to me but my DD is getting more aware now that her Dad isnt looking after himself. Maybe I am looking at myself with rose tinted spectacles. I know I am not perfect. I never used to be moody or grumpy but the last 3 years has seen me turn into a bitter angry old woman (at least I feel like that)

But I dont think I have ever been anything other than a really supportive wife. He probably means that Im not all over him like a rash and letting him do/buy what whatever he wants like I used to do years ago.

Id rather be a brilliant mum to DD at the moment than waste my time trying to please him. Gosh im getting angry now...need to hold this feeling!

To be honest my view is, it doesnt matter whether youve put in so much work and hes done nothing, I mean that matters, but getting upset about it isnt going to change who he is.

Hes not going to change. You are in an abusive relationship and I hope you can see that. Just because someone isnt bashing you up and down the house doesnt mean they arent abusive

And whats normal to one family wont be to another, a lot of people live dysfunctional lives and no one is perfect.

But theres nothing left of this relationship, you arent happy, your daughter isnt happy, your husband probably isnt happy either. Its just unhappiness and misery.

Ive spoken about a friend of my family and what she going through. She was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years, controlling. Im not sure she always saw how bad it was.
She brought up his 4 kids from his first marriage. He then turned them against her, well 3 of them. He has two kids with her. He has no interest in the older boy. She put 80 000 pounds of her own money into their home. Hes a professional person, easily a millionaire.

Hes trying to fight for custody, just to paint her as a bad mother. There was an incident at the home in December, he was charged but even womens aid advised her that he would probably get off. He didnt, he was found guilty.

Hes also gone off sick towards the end of the last tax year (hes working again now, hes self employed) to avoid paying her CSA payments. I believe in Scots law, she will be entitled to a share of the home and assets even though they werent married.
Shes got financial worries because hes not paying for the kids, hes trying to ruin her financially and hes told her that.

However, having said all that. She and the kids are better off out of there. I met her in the passing a couple of days ago and she was telling me she coped in court and that had the court date gone ahead when it was supposed to, she wouldnt have had the emotional strength to do it.

Shes happier, her kids are happier. Sometimes you stay too long in a toxic situation but when you leave, even though things are still stressful, you are away from every day stress, controlling behaviour, misery.

Who caused the breakdown, I mean how its affected you emotionally can be dealt with in counselling later. For now, you need all your strength to get out.

Or take legal advice about asking him to go, or selling the house so you can move on.

Dont spend time being angry because of his behaviour, you know what hes like. If you stay, its just going to be another 5 or 10 years of the same. Im sure you know that.

teawithmilk

Im not terrorised about phoning who I want! years ago I would have been treading on eggshells and probably not phoned in fear of upsetting him, but I am truly much stronger now that I used to be i do tell him to get stuffed and I can speak to who I want, buit it just creates an atmosphere and then he says Im being rude. I just get moaned at for being on the phone (its a hands free cordless so I can go in any room I like or even go sit in the car if I want) I probably speak to my sister maybe 3 times a week and its usually to discuss my mum, what she needs, how she has been, her health, any problems she has had etc so we can decide if either of us need to go round and help her. Last week my mum had a bad fall and ended up with a black eye and coudltn go out of her sheltered housing so I spent a bit of time talking to my sister about it and making sure we were co-ordinating who was picking up mums shopping, things like that.

He just hates me talking to my family full stop. He says I have a false telephone voice- i.e. he thinks I sound much happier and chirpier on the phone to my sister than I am with him. Well there is a good explaination for that! I actually enjoy speaking to them, they are interested in me and DD and what we have been up to.

Mojisola

teawithmilk wrote: »

He says I have a false telephone voice- i.e. he thinks I sound much happier and chirpier on the phone to my sister than I am with him. Well there is a good explaination for that! I actually enjoy speaking to them, they are interested in me and DD and what we have been up to.

So why are you still living with him?

teawithmilk

Good question. When I went to see the counsellor fro Occy Health I touched on my problems with my marriage and she asked me to say two things that I liked about him. I had to think hard. The only two I could come up with off the top of my head were that he can make me laugh (well he still can, he is quite a funny charming person when he wants to be) and that he is around to help me look after DD. She looked at me and said "is that all?? someone who can make you laugh I can understand that but you are talking about just needing someone as a babysitter." Shes quite a straight talking lady.

Its not as easy as saying "why are you still with him" ..I know if I was advising ME Id probably be saying its time to go but its dealing with the fear inside, the fear of the unknown. Also selfishly I know I am going to be really strapped for money when I leave and im not looking forward to that. Every day I feel Im getting stronger. Wish they had "divorce buddies" you know like those nurses that get paid to come and help well-off families when they have new borns...could do with one of those to hold my hand through all this. Joking apart, the one person who I have trusted with everything for the past 20 years and who used to be my best friend is now the person I'm in conflict with. I hate conflict and upset and Im also such a coward as I hate being on my own.

paulineb_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

Good question. When I went to see the counsellor fro Occy Health I touched on my problems with my marriage and she asked me to say two things that I liked about him. I had to think hard. The only two I could come up with off the top of my head were that he can make me laugh (well he still can, he is quite a funny charming person when he wants to be) and that he is around to help me look after DD. She looked at me and said "is that all?? someone who can make you laugh I can understand that but you are talking about just needing someone as a babysitter." Shes quite a straight talking lady.

Its not as easy as saying "why are you still with him" ..I know if I was advising ME Id probably be saying its time to go but its dealing with the fear inside, the fear of the unknown. Also selfishly I know I am going to be really strapped for money when I leave and im not looking forward to that. Every day I feel Im getting stronger. Wish they had "divorce buddies" you know like those nurses that get paid to come and help well-off families when they have new borns...could do with one of those to hold my hand through all this. Joking apart, the one person who I have trusted with everything for the past 20 years and who used to be my best friend is now the person I'm in conflict with. I hate conflict and upset and Im also such a coward as I hate being on my own.

It may come down to a straight choice between fear of the unknown, misery and you and your daughters happiness.

And somewhere you need to start believing that you are worth more and that you deserve to be happy

As for hating being on your own, being on your own in peace is better than being with someone who is an abusive bully

And Ive been in toxic abusive relationships, I do know how you can feel like you cant get out, you want to fix everything, be mrs fix it or you take the blame for everything because people tell you your shortcomings over and over again so you start to believe it

Took me years to get out of one relationship I should have left after 6 months. 7 years.

But I have peace and quiet and my self esteem is good. That makes up for any of the Im on my own moments.

Mojisola

teawithmilk wrote: »

Its not as easy as saying "why are you still with him" ..I know if I was advising ME Id probably be saying its time to go but its dealing with the fear inside, the fear of the unknown. Also selfishly I know I am going to be really strapped for money when I leave and im not looking forward to that.

Doing it is rarely as easy as knowing what you need to do. It can take ages to get to where you know you need to be - that's normal, don't beat yourself up over it. The unknown can be very scary.

You will probably find you're already withdrawing from the position you've taken for years of always putting him first so you've made a start.