Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

BitterAndTwisted

This is the latest "hiding assets prior to divorce thread":

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4577095



I see the OP has deleted their last storming-off-throwing-toys-out-of-the-pram retort when they got told things they didn't want to hear.

teawithmilk

Thank you for all help and support so far.

For various reasons I can't put anymore information here..I dont want to encourage trolls or link me with anyone trying to hide assets (which I'm not trying to do)

I have decided to be completely open about everything.

Its down to my husbands conscience whether he takes money away from our daughter or not.

Other than that I'm not saying anymore. I dont know where that other poster who is trying to hide assets from his wife is getting his info from...sounds odd that he seems to have had exactly the same idea as me, at eactly the same cost for advice!

Anyway thank you very much, you have helped me see with clarity that this is not a game it is a life changing decision and I'm not going to do anything stupid xx

NAR

teawithmilk you have to do what you think is best for you and your daughter. You have given him ample help in trying to get him to take his blinkers off regarding finances without success.

You have obviously made your mind up with how you are going to move forward and I wish you every success, and though it won't be an easy road to travel, keep your eye on your final goal. :beer:

justme111

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thank you for all help and support so far.

For various reasons I can't put anymore information here..I dont want to encourage trolls or link me with anyone trying to hide assets (which I'm not trying to do)

I have decided to be completely open about everything.

Its down to my husbands conscience whether he takes money away from our daughter or not.

Other than that I'm not saying anymore. I dont know where that other poster who is trying to hide assets from his wife is getting his info from...sounds odd that he seems to have had exactly the same idea as me, at eactly the same cost for advice!

Anyway thank you very much, you have helped me see with clarity that this is not a game it is a life changing decision and I'm not going to do anything stupid xx

Please make sure you get final settlement as no point giving money and not getting the line drawn. Hope you will manage it amicably , I do not think he would be entitled or right in getting 50% anyway as the daughter would stay with you... Best wishes in a difficult situation x

LannieDuck

Hi teawithmilk, just wondering how you're doing? Was your OH ok after the weekend away?

teawithmilk

Thanks! yes two weeks have passed and I'm still no further forward. We went away for the two nights that he paid for - I enjoyed it as I like being away with DD but as usual it was on his terms- he can't drive so I have to do all the driving so it wasnt a particularly relaxing break for me. That sounds ungrateful but its just that I'm starting to realise that even when he does something as a "gesture" or as a "present" to me it is always to suit him and he usually gets something out of it too...

I'm still no clearer about what to do fiancially. My DD is getting more and more upset as she sees us arguing and being narky with each other all the time. Her exams are over now. We have a family event this week on Thursday which I dont want to spoil by annoucing that Im leaving but after that I need to make some decisions- either stay or go. He was having a go at me at the weekend about something minor.... then he started to get sarcastic (in from of DD) about havng to sleep on the sofa bed. I said outright that he could leave if he wanted and that he had options and choices of his own that he could make- he just went silent. I dont think he has the guts to leave himself as he has always relied on me so much.

I've been doing a lot of reading- I think I'm co-dependent. Someone mentioned this to me a long time ago and I just thought it was rubbish at the time and never properly thought about it, but reading up on it makes me think that this is what our relationship is like- its not a happy, loving nurturing relationship. We are only together through neccesity, finances, and because of DD.

Im so worried about how to deal with this with the minimum of upset for her...as I am the one who wil be leaving I will be seen as the "baddie" even though it is getting unbearable for me to stay in this situation. Any advice on how to minimise the impact on her?

teawithmilk

Today I'm going to see a solictor. It just seems that I can never get anything right. I havent done anything about moving into that house I rented yet- how stupid is that-as I have been scared Im making the wrong decision...I have been with him for 20 years and deep down I know he is never going to change. But Im still scared. Ive also had a bad chest infection and am exhausted. Excuses excuses. So today will probably be more money wasted as she will give me the same advice that everyone else has and i'll be too cowardly to go through with it.

Im so sad because I have seen several lovely houses that have come up for sale recently which I could afford and if we were a "happy" family I could go out and get a mortgage tomorrow and have us all moved in within a few months! Ive had some quotes for mortgages and it seems that I would qualify and I have an excellent credit record, but it would be best for me to get a 22 yr mortgage as I am now too old to get a 25yr one. So I feel like some sort of clock is ticking now...the longer I leave it the harder it is going to be to get my goal of having a nice little house where I could stay put for at least 10 years.

Im sick of moving around- Up until the age of 18 I lived at my parents house but since I left to go to Uni I have lived in over 20 different houses- Im sick of moving house, sick of disruption and just want to put down roots and live in a place where I can decorate and make my own. My husband just doesnt seem to get this. Last night when we were arguing (again) I mentioned how upset I was that we were constantly moving house and he just shrugged and said "plenty of people move a lot, like army families" but we are not an army family...if we were then I would accept this as part of the job but there is nothing to stop us now putting down roots. Even my DD who is only 10 has lived in EIGHT different houses. She desperately wants a room that she can make her own..she tries to make the best of the rented house we are in by making it pretty with pictures and soft toys but I know she would love her own space.

Last night once she had gone to bed I tried to have another discussion with husband..I told him I wasnt happy and he just shrugged and didnt look me in the eye. I said I couldnt go on living this way and he just said "do whatever you want then" so I said "dont you care? dont you want any say in what happens" and he just said "you will do whatever you want anyway as usual" - this is not true, I end up doing whatever HE wants usually! I said that I felt that I had looked after him all his adult life, sorting out all his problems and just wanted someone to look after me for a change. Then he went on to say that all the problems in the household were my fault, that I needed to look at my behaviour, he maintains that I focus all my attention on DD and not him....I agree thats true because she gives me back love and affection and he doesnt.....he looked right at me and said that on my headstone it should say "great mum, Sh*t wife"

I said is that what you really think of me when I have done so much for you over the years, and he wouldnt say anything, just carried on clicking away at his computer.

I then said I wanted a divorce and he just shrugged then I said that if he didnt move out then I would and I walked out of the room. So he's not even prepared to discuss things. I've given him so many opportunities to fight for our relationship, tell me that he loves me, show me some affection, Im now worried that I have been a rubbish wife, maybe it is all down to me, I thought I was superwoman looking after everyone, but Ive just got so bitter and angry with him.

Just so sad today.

neneromanova

Are you able to get a mortgage on your own or does you "OH" have to be on it as well to be able to afford a nice place?

teawithmilk

I earn enough to be able to afford to pay the mortgage on a small (2bed) house without needing his income....money will be tight for me and DD but without him around overspending on holidays and other unneccesary stuff I should get by. Ive got budgeting down to a fine tee now, Ive gone over the calculations again and again. I just end up overspending sometimes and have a splurge because I get frustrated and think why should I be careful with money and save when he behaves the opposite!

We had the 3 monthly "house inspection" last week (letting agency inspects on behalf of landlord) and it was the usual stress and hassle. We are all three of us very messy hoarders and there is no storage or shelves in the house we are renting. Plus it is full of the landlords furniture (which we didnt really want but he left it part furnished when we didnt ask for it) with a lot of ours as extras. So very cluttered. I hate hate hate these inspections. I have to take a day off work, clean like mad, and shove stuff away and we always end up losing stuff. Another reason why I hate renting. He knows I get stressed about this, its just the way I am. He said last night that he thinks im stupid that I get stressed too easily about the smallest things..whereas he is laid back, and it doesnt bother him.....thats genetic Im afraid as my mum is exactly the same, but I am always trying to manage my stress levels and not get upset about small stuff. If I could sort out the big stuff I would be less bothered about smaller day-to-day problems I think.

neneromanova

I would say who/what is more important to you. Trying to make a failing marriage work or making a new life for your DD where she can have her own bright pink (or whatever her favourite colour is) bedroom and see that mum stands up to men who treat her like !!!!. As your daughter will be picking up everything that is going on and think that this is normal behaviour.

Start looking for a mortgage you'll be able to get and start looking for your perfect house that you and DD can make a life together in.

Don't worry about your "OH" blaming you for the breakup. Its not like you haven't tried to make this marriage work. Life is too short to be with someone who brings you down as well