Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

thorsoak

teawithmilk wrote: »

Yes I am in a better position than a lot of people in relationships that feel trapped and Im grateful for that. I didnt move into 2nd rented house as I was waiting until end of DDs exams then we had house inspection last wk so had to be around for that otherwise husband would not have let them in or done something stupid. Please dont have a go at me this is the hardest thing I've ever done.

But if you had moved out, and OH refused to let ll's agent into the house, it would not be your problem - it would be OH's.

You say that you have always been the organiser in the family - remember that once you leave, you will no longer be responsible for organising him - not only will you be free of him financially, how he deals with situations will no longer be your problem!

Take heart - you've carried him financially for so long - once you separate, that burden will be removed from you.

pukkamum

teawithmilk wrote: »

Yes I am in a better position than a lot of people in relationships that feel trapped and Im grateful for that. I didnt move into 2nd rented house as I was waiting until end of DDs exams then we had house inspection last wk so had to be around for that otherwise husband would not have let them in or done something stupid. Please dont have a go at me this is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Oh my love I hope you don't think I am having a go, I'm really not, I was just making the point that with it being such a hard decision to make anyone would be the same, desperate to find a reason to stay.
I can almost guarantee that if things are as bad as they seem from what you have said you will eventually feel relief but there will be sadness and upset on the way.

RAS

teawithmilk wrote: »

I didnt move into 2nd rented house as I was waiting until end of DDs exams then we had house inspection last wk so had to be around for that otherwise husband would not have let them in or done something stupid. Please dont have a go at me this is the hardest thing I've ever done.

teawithmilk

You may have already mentioned this but on a very practical note:

1. Are you in a fixed term contract on the shared house?
2. If so, when does that term end?
3. If it is periodic, what is the rental date?

That affects when you need to make decisions.

teawithmilk

The tenancy on our current house is in my name only so if I had left last week and husband became awkward and didnt let house inspection happen I would be liable, technically he shouldnt even be here anyway as his name isnt on the lease! anyhow Inspection was OK I think, so that should be the last one before the end of this tenancy.

The tenancy in this house ends in mid September. So only three and a half months left.

RAS

OK. So whatever happens you are liable for rent until mid September? Would the LL agree an early surrender?

Is the LL aware that you want to move out? Would they co-operate by giving you an S21 notice to end the contract? If so you need to talk to them soon as they have to do that before mid July.

My concern is that if you just allow the tenancy to lapse at the end of the fixed term, if you ex does not leave, you are still laible for the rent. At which point the LL might issue a S21 but you could be liable for several extra months rent.

thorsoak

Have you given notice yet? Does he know that you intend giving up the lease?

tayforth

LannieDuck wrote: »

I think you've made up your mind and you just need someone to tell you you're doing the right thing. That's very hard for us to do over an internet forum, but from what you've written... moving out would be the right thing to do. Both for yourself and for your child (8 houses in 10 years? Poor thing).

Moving out doesn't mean it's the end of the marriage. Why don't you consider a temporary split? Get yourself and DD set up in a nice permanent home the way you want things... and see how you feel. (If you want to do things in little steps, move yourself and DD into the rented house for a little while before taking the plunge with a mortgage.) Maybe you'll miss OH, and maybe you won't. Maybe you'll feel happier than you've felt in some time. Then you'll know that divorce is the right option for you.

If the solicitor just says the same thing we've been saying, maybe it'll help to hear it from someone with authority and knowledge about these things.

There's a poster on this forum (Tayforth) who's just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship, and she's soooo much happier for it. It really comes across in her posts. Hopefully she may read this thread and give you some advice...

C'est moi! And LannieDuck is right, I am 100 times happier than I was with my ex. It was a hard decision to make for me too, but I am SOOOOOOOOOO glad that I did it. Best thing I've ever done. :beer:

Your OH sounds like mine, a total waste of space - sorry for being harsh, I'm in a bit of a 'grr' mood today (see my latest post on my thread)! Which is a good thing sometimes - as you say, you need to take the anger and harness it!

teawithmilk wrote: »

Good question. When I went to see the counsellor fro Occy Health I touched on my problems with my marriage and she asked me to say two things that I liked about him. I had to think hard. The only two I could come up with off the top of my head were that he can make me laugh (well he still can, he is quite a funny charming person when he wants to be) and that he is around to help me look after DD. She looked at me and said "is that all?? someone who can make you laugh I can understand that but you are talking about just needing someone as a babysitter." Shes quite a straight talking lady.

Its not as easy as saying "why are you still with him" ..I know if I was advising ME Id probably be saying its time to go but its dealing with the fear inside, the fear of the unknown. Also selfishly I know I am going to be really strapped for money when I leave and im not looking forward to that. Every day I feel Im getting stronger. Wish they had "divorce buddies" you know like those nurses that get paid to come and help well-off families when they have new borns...could do with one of those to hold my hand through all this. Joking apart, the one person who I have trusted with everything for the past 20 years and who used to be my best friend is now the person I'm in conflict with. I hate conflict and upset and Im also such a coward as I hate being on my own.

A divorce buddy sounds amazing! I'll volunteer to be yours if you like

That counsellor sounds really good. Any chance that you could see her for more sessions, if your company would pay?


Just one more thought about your current house. You should be very careful about leaving your OH there with your name on the lease. He could cause damage and the LL would hold you liable..

Perhaps you could consider asking the LL to change the lease into your OH's name. Alternatively, you could ask him to end the lease early. Tell him that you're leaving your husband because he's been abusing you.

You may even need to offer the LL money (say for the inconvenience) to end the lease early. It may still work out cheaper than paying up because your OH has wrecked the place out of spite.

paulineb_2

Id take legal advice before doing anything like ending the lease early, particularly when the marriage seems to be so difficult.

And to be fair, we dont know the husband is going to trash the place.

But I do agree, you need to get out for your own sake and your daughters.

tayforth

My thread... a long but entertaining read, packed with loveliness and good advice


https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4538789

Bangton

It sounds like you've wasted a lot of years supporting, loving and helping this man. And for what? In the end all he can say is your a !!!!!! wife, wrack up a ton of debts and generally be an a*se.

I think it's high time he went it alone and we'll see how far it gets him. You deserve so much better. You sound like an amazing mum for a start. And wife for that matter. I sure as hell wouldn't let a conversation about the amount of debt my partner was in drop. I'd berate him everyday of his life that he didn't pull himself together. I think you've been patient and understanding and frankly done your best.

Perhaps it's time to put that energy into yourself and getting the happiness you truly deserve...however hard it is.

Bless you and good luck x