Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

thorsoak

teawithmilk wrote: »

I've already told him I am not going on holiday but he keeps going on about it, like he is blanking out what is happening.

wish I'd spoken to a proper solicitor earlier in the year as the one on Fri was really helpful and said i could go for it and buy a house as long as it was for me and DD to live in. He could try and claim some of the house but if I borrow the deposit it would make that less likely.

so I messed up with this rented bungalow, thinking I was being clever and supeorganised...still at least it will be a bolthole if things get bad. 4k down the drain by the time ive paid all the rent. not very MSE!!

Just ensure that you do not put any money in his bank account which would help him to pay for the holiday - and make sure that your daughter knows that you aren't going on any holiday ....or he will play the "but she will be so disappointed if we don't go...." card.

Treading_Water

If you are really not going to move into the other place then maybe your friend can re let it early and save you some money, but personally I think you should go. It could be just temporarily in the first instance with nothing fixed but just to give yourselves a chance to evaluate things on your own.
I spent years in an emotionally empty relationship - I think my partner was suffering with depression but wouldn't even talk about it let alone see a doctor (a mutual friend recently said they thought he could be bi polar). Anyway I didn't do anything thinking it was better for the children - when things did eventually come to a head my children told me that life was easier and that they didn't feel he had been there as a dad should be for a long time. (How sad is that). Go if its what you want to do stop making excuses.

teawithmilk

Well we had another normal day today- its almost surreal how life is going on while my marriage is falling apart. We went out for a drive in the country with DD as its the last day of holiday- no arguing except a disagreement between husband and me about who's turn it was to pay for the shopping- that's how petty its become between us now....even DD started getting angry and saying it didn't matter who paid and how we should be like normal parents and have a joint account. I told DD tonight that her dad and I were going to split up and she's really upset and has spent all night in her room and won't cuddle me. I wish I could put in an offer on that house tomorrow but it could just over complicate things so much. My family know now including my mum and they are all supportive but they can't be with me 24/7 .My brother is saying not to rush into buying a house. - I would probably be advising myself the same thing if I was advising myself....

paulineb_2

I actually think you are still to realise just how bad life is for you with your husband

Otherwise you would have run like hell ages ago, savings or no savings

My fear reading this thread is that you'll stay with him for all the wrong reasons

None of his business what your brother thinks, hes not the one living in what isnt a happy productive marriage.

You do what makes you happy. And I will be blunt and say this, in a years time, if you havent gone, the only person you can look back and say why not to is yourself

paulineb_2

And you didnt have a normal day, sorry but theres no such thing when you are living with someone who is abusive and I grew up in a house like that.

LannieDuck

I can understand why you don't want to rush into buying a house. But I do think you should try living apart from your OH in your rented place. It'll give you time to get a clear head.

The important person in that scenario would be your DD. You'd have to take things at a pace she can deal with, but still make it relatively speedy. I'm glad you've told her, so at least the wheels are in motion if you decide to go that route.

tayforth

Well done on telling your DD, that's a huge step. And I'm delighted that your family is supporting you. Clearly, they think that you're doing the right thing, and they want to see you happy.

You can move into the rental house anytime, what's stopping you?

Have you started thinking of this man as your ex yet?

Have you been visualising your new life without him?

paulineb_2

LannieDuck wrote: »

I can understand why you don't want to rush into buying a house. But I do think you should try living apart from your OH in your rented place. It'll give you time to get a clear head.

The important person in that scenario would be your DD. You'd have to take things at a pace she can deal with, but still make it relatively speedy. I'm glad you've told her, so at least the wheels are in motion if you decide to go that route.

The important person is her daughter, but I think she needs to get the hell out

As someone who grew up in a house and that was only for 2 years, because in those days my mum couldnt get my stepdad out, I can assure people, whatever hurt the girl is feeling right now, she'll feel it less when they leave

And Im aware the person concerned was not my dad but someone by marriage, but nevertheless at 10 years of age I could not suffer living in a house and seeing my mum abused.

Two parents together and miserable or apart and happy, seriously, there is no contest

And apart from that two year spell its been me my mum and my brother all the way, happy, growing up in a home with no arguments of any serious kind

Seriously, what does it take for some people to realise they are living in misery and to get the hell out of there

You have another house to go to, go. Stop letting your husband and his horrible moods control your life

You cant put a price on happiness, you arent doing your daughter any favours by staying with this man. None.

teawithmilk

Well at least I'm at the stage where he finally believes me that - am going ahead with a divorce. DD is sleeping in with me tonight...its lovely to hear her snuffling away next to me (she has a cold like me)

I work full time and have been incredibly busy over the last week with a project I had to finish. I'm speaking to my boss today, to try and get some flexibility in my hours over next two weeks- can't sleep hence being up at 2.40am!

Trying to do this one stage at a time- it was important getting my family fully involved including my brother as he can help me in a lot of ways. The arguing about money thing is partially my fault as I refuse to pay for his booze as part of the weekly food shop (sometimes he can buy 3/4 bottles of wine just for himself every time we visit a shop which can be two or three times a week...so he is getting petty in other ways.

So this week I am moving out. I will do this. I know I can do it now! :e is obviously never going to change and cares so little for our relationship and DD that he is saying still that its all my fault and I'm being selfish. Got to keep telling myself that this is best for DD even though she wants us to stay together- I read her diary tonight which she left lying around and she is writing that she thinks its her fault, she has no one to talk to and that she needs a samaritan, (she must have learnt about that at school) she thinks we are getting her to take sides, that she is worrying too much and doesn't think she fits in anywhere, the last think she wrote was that when she thinks about it it makes her feel sick.
How carp does that make me feel as a mum.

daffie

Good luck! Took me years to leave my husband but once I'd made the leap, it felt fantastic. Suddenly there's a whole new world out there and you're in charge charged your own life. Don't hesitate any longer. You have somewhere to go. Start your new life now!