Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

teawithmilk

Thank you all. I had a rotten week last week. I was so busy- dashing around dropping documents off at the solicitors, going to see a mortgage advisor, viewing a couple of houses. Ive had to dig out my original marriage certiicate (that was hard to find) and hand over a cheque for £850- and thats just for starters. He wouldnt have a clue about organising divorce so its almost a good job that it is me going for it and organising it.

We have been arguing non stop since last week. I've just not had time to move out. I have booked a day off work for Wednesday and Im going then. One of DDs pets has had an operation on Friday so couldnt really be disrupted/moved or stressed.

I've missed out on that house I fell in love with- I am a good judge of the property market because I have been looking so much and as I predicted someone put in an offer the day after i had viewed it and its gone. I did get a bit upset and started crying...i dont know why I was stupidly pinning my hopes on that house but it would have been so cosy for me and DD. My sister says I shouldnt be rushing into buying a house when I have a nice house to rent and that I should relax and give it 12 months but Im worried that the clock is ticking on my eligibility for a mortgage- every month that goes by means my mortgage term will have to reduce and my payments will go up as I have been told it would be extremely difficult to get a mortgage beyond 65 so Im already looking at only a 22yr mortgage. Ive been provisionally approved (last week) in principle for a decent mortgage so I know now that I could afford to buy a nice house in the area I want- money will be mega tight but Im determined to do it ON MY OWN.

I have asked my solicitor to draft up a divorce petition. I told him I wanted a divorce (this was on Friday) he didnt even seem to believe me/care and kept repeating that it was all my fault, he hadnt done anything wrong, that I was twisting his words etc etc. At no point did he show any emotion or beg me to stay or anything, just kept deflecting "blame" onto me...so I guess that shows that he doesnt really want to fight for our relationship. I've given him so many chances, mothered him and looked after him for 20 yrs and I feel like a fool for doing it now.

He also said that I would have to find childcare over the holidays as he might be off "doing his own thing" - so sod him I will. Im getting angry with him now instead of being the downtrodden woman I was, and Im actually getting quite excited about moving out. Yesterday he was being all moody with DD so i took her out for a drive and told her about the new rented house and showed her it. She promptly went back and has packed up all her soft toys and some clothes. I have sworn her to secrecy until we do it. Id rather do it midweek then she is at school to distract her and wont be moping around.

I've told my boss which is an important step as it feel more "real" now that I am telling more people and being open about things.

Husband did say last week when I said he would be getting letter from solicitor that he wasnt interested in ANYTHING I had ( he was meaning that in a nasty way- ie he wasnt interested in me as a person anymore) but luckily he did go onto say that he didnt want anything from me, so i mentioned my pension and he said I could keep it and that he didnt want to spend a penny of his own money on any "stupid solictor" (his words) so hopefully it mgiht work in my favour, he might not get legal representation, he might just sign the papers or just ignore them and I might just get to keep hold of my pension etc if he keeps to his word.

thorsoak

Well done - it's been a hard work for you but you are well on your way now! You've taken several important steps - you've told your daughter, your boss, you've talked to a solicitor and set the ball rolling!

So it hasn't been a bad week after all! x

Mojisola

teawithmilk wrote: »

he did go onto say that he didnt want anything from me, so i mentioned my pension and he said I could keep it and that he didnt want to spend a penny of his own money on any "stupid solictor" (his words) so hopefully it mgiht work in my favour, he might not get legal representation, he might just sign the papers or just ignore them and I might just get to keep hold of my pension etc if he keeps to his word.

Don't rely on this - people do change their minds as things progress. He still might not really believe it yet.

When it does become real for him, if he thinks that he can make things difficult for you by going for a financial share, he probably will.

Errata

he might just sign the papers or just ignore them and I might just get to keep hold of my pension etc if he keeps to his word.

If he ignores the paperwork you won't be getting divorced any time soon. And once he has a think about things he may realise there's £35k and your pension to be divvied up. Not many people would walk away from that when they don't need to.

teawithmilk

I really dont know it could go either way. He will either get mad and put up a fight, or he will just sit back and ignore everything. Im hoping he goes for the latter option - if he stays true to form he will not fight for anything. What upsets me is that he doesnt seem to care about DD in all this- Im tearing myself apart worrying about her yet he doesnt seem to give a damn.

Ive got the rented house until 20th October. That gives me 4 months to either decide to extend the lease or buy a place. I would love to buy, just so that we can finally have an end to the constant disruption, moving house and general chaos. And DD can finally have friends round or have a sleepover!!!!!!

Now I just need to find some cheap bedroom furniture...shame that offer at Argos has stopped.....

LannieDuck

Teawithmilk, I know you said you've had a rotten week, but that all sounds really positive. I can imagine how hard it must be, but you're making brilliant progress.

Try not to focus too much on the house that's gone. There will be future houses, and you have the whole 6-month rental term to think about it at a more sensible pace. Making a snap decision when so much else is going on in your life probably wouldn't have been a wise thing to do anyway. I know you're worried about losing out every month you wait, but you've been waiting for years, and you're now finally taking action and getting your life back on track - in that context, a month or two here and there on a mortgage won't matter.

I'm glad your DD seems positive about it all. Be kind to yourself and good luck for Weds.

:hugs:

kelpie35

Hi TWM, you have achieved so much in the last week. So you should give yourself a big pat on the back.

If you have a facebook account you might be able to pick up so really good bargains in your area. Try gumtree too.

Hope the move on Wednesday goes well, I will be thinking of you.

Take care x

NAR

Well done Teawithmilk. Glad your daughter has been let in on the secret move too - she will get peace of mind away from him and the arguments.
As regards finances and pensions that is months done the line, so don't worry about it now.
Concentrate on Wednesday and getting all you need for your new house in place. Very pleased for you.

tayforth

Gah! Wrote a long post and it disappeared.

TWM, you are doing so well!! You've told your daughter, who clearly wants to escape as well and live with you in your new happy home, where you can have sleepovers, visitors, peace and quiet, laughter - and a nice atmosphere. That's wonderful.

You've been moving forward with the practical stuff - seeing a solicitor, telling your boss. The more people you tell, the more real it becomes, as you say. Oh, I'm so pleased for you. You've been strong and dignified, and you should feel very proud of yourself indeed.

It must be disappointing about the other house... but perhaps it wasn't meant for you, another better one will come along I'm a firm believer that what's meant for you will not pass you. And don't worry - another few months won't make a difference to your mortgage eligibility. Being in a rented house will give you a great advantage when buying, too.

Keep us posted. We are all here for you and cheering you on every step of the way.

xxx

teawithmilk

Oh my goodness- big developments this afternoon. I havent done any work at all ths afternoon so my boss will be going mad tomorrow.

I have been feeling so very sad about that house I looked it. Maybe it represented all my hopes and dreams (or something overemotional like that!) It was just so perfect for me- fantastic location, just round corner from DDs high school bus stop (not even any main roads to cross) off street parking, small garden, room for the pets. 3 bedrooms, lovely brand new kitchen and it just had such a lovely homely feel to it, its obviously been well cared for, beautifully decorated and I wouldnt have to spend apenny on it for a good few years. And it was just in my price range.

Ive been looking at houses on the internet for over a year now so i have a good feel for whats a bargain.

Anyway last week when I was told that an offer had gone in I was too scared to go back with a counter offer. But today I was feeling a bit braver. I phoned up just to see, assuming that the offer must have been accepted...but it hadnt....

SO I AM NOW THE TOP BIDDER AND MY OFFER HAS BEEN ACCEPTED!!!!!!!!

dont they say that divorce and moving house are the most stressful things in your life?? I e mailled my solicitor and she said worst case scenario is that he could get 50% of my savings...but if they are all tied up in a house that me and DD are living in....then he will have to wait until I save/beg.borrow to pay him. Unless he wants to spend a fortune getting a solicitor to force the sale of the house.

am I stupid??? I havent felt this brave or empowered for YEARS