Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

balletshoes

teawithmilk wrote: »

well I was quite happy to take her round first thing to his place so she could spebd all day with him. . . but he wouldnt accept that. I dont have official residency order or anything but I know by instinct she would rather have me as her main home- she loves her Dad but she wouldnt want to stay with him full time. She is so much more secure in every way with me.

sorry if this has already been covered, but do you think your ex will go for residency of your daughter through legal channels? If you think he might, this is exactly the kind of thing, if he starts logging it, that might help his case (ie you didn't keep to the access agreement you had, you let her stay home/go elsewhere on his access time etc etc). His solicitor would encourage him to make notes in a log of this kind of situation, and while its perfectly logical to you and your daughter, I think to be honest Dad should have been consulted more than he had been (ie instead of saying yes to the sleepover on his night, ask him, or get your daughter to ask him, if its alright, and sort out other access time in the same conversation).

My brother has residency of his daughter, and this is the kind of stuff that was logged before, during and even now, after, the legal process.

Maybe it will not come to that in your situation though OP.

19lottie82

teawithmilk wrote: »

well I was quite happy to take her round first thing to his place so she could spebd all day with him. . . but he wouldnt accept that. I dont have official residency order or anything but I know by instinct she would rather have me as her main home- she loves her Dad but she wouldnt want to stay with him full time. She is so much more secure in every way with me.

There you go then. Stress no more about it.

NAR

teawithmilk wrote: »

He never mentioned her staying with him on Saturday. So i just got a text asking when was I dropping her off. He was obviously assuming that as he had missed out on his Friday with her I would forfeit Saturday and drop her off for 24 hrs with him.

And what right has he to assume that without asking? DD might have had other arrangements with friends today, did he consider that? (it's all right I know the answer!) He has to realise she is no longer a baby or young child.

She is tired and grumpy and told me she just wants to stay with me tonight (I told her that her dad wanted to see her) so now he is furious and ranting at me by text message threatening to take the phone her gave her off her or not top it up (the only financial thing he does for her- he tops it up by a fiver or so per month) because "she never keeps in contact with him"

Tell him to have a fatherly chat to DD about missing her and wanting to see her, after all the issue is between them and nothing to do with you as such.

I know he cant physically do anything to me but whenever he gets like this i get a sick butterfly feeling as if im scared of him. . .its stupid really but I cant help it. He is furious. I didnt help things as I also lost my temper and sent a text saying right dont pay for her phone then pay me some proper child maintenance and I will top her up. I know it sounds ridiculous but Im still scared of him.

Good for you for standing up for yourself - let him know his bullying was one of the causes of the divorce, which you are no longer prepared to put up with.
The salvo re child maintenance was deserved too - be interesting to hear how he replies to that one!

TWM, in the circumstances, I think you behaved very reasonably. I think it was important that he heard you are not going to be walked over any more. Pour yourself a large glass of wine and be proud of yourself.

teawithmilk

Thanks, DD did phone her Dad earlier in the eve and all I could hear was him shouting down the phone at her. Poor thing is torn, she loves her Dad but sometimes she just doesnt want to see him, and he doesnt have the nous to see he is making it worse by shouting. No reply to my text about child maintenance. DD texted him and asked if he wanted her to come round today- again no reply as yet. No doubt I will get an angry text mid morning about why I havent brought her- even tho he hasnt said one way or another what is happening.Thanks to everone for responding last night when I was feeling low.

RAS

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thanks, DD did phone her Dad earlier in the eve and all I could hear was him shouting down the phone at her. Poor thing is torn, she loves her Dad but sometimes she just doesnt want to see him, and he doesnt have the nous to see he is making it worse by shouting. No reply to my text about child maintenance. DD texted him and asked if he wanted her to come round today- again no reply as yet. No doubt I will get an angry text mid morning about why I havent brought her- even tho he hasnt said one way or another what is happening.Thanks to everone for responding last night when I was feeling low.

You really need to get these texts and calls logged.

And if DD wants to see a friend on Friday night she needs to talk to her dad and then speak to you if he wants another arrangement.

The courts would see if as you preventing ex seeing DD; so you have to keep out of it and NOT agree to let her make alternative arrangments on "his" night.

How much does she see of him in the week?

teawithmilk

We never formally agreed which nights he would see her or not. It has got into a routine of him having her to stay on Friday nights with me picking her up on Sat (early evening) so he gets at least 24 hours with her. He moans that she is tired and never wants to go anywhere with him on a Saturday, but thats not up to me to organise, he has her and he can organise nice trips out if he wants to.

Then during the week he maybe sees her once or twice if she goes round straight from school and has some dinner with him then I pick her up at 6.30pm. She never stays with him overnight mid-week- I dont think either of them would be keen on that.

I might have her all week but its hardly quality time- (not that I'm moaning because I LOVE being with my DD) but it is hard work, getting her up for school, making sure she has uniform clean and bag packed and lunch money, chasing her off to the bus stop, then at the other end of the day making dinner for her, helping her with homework, trying to get her to go to bed at a reasonable time etc! Thats why it would be unfair for him to have her both Friday and Saturday nights because I like a nice evening with her where I dont have to worry about work/school the next day. This week has been the first week since we split up that I have "gone against" what he wanted.

I am about to send him an e mail saying that I am happy for her to see him every Friday night UNLESS something crops up like a sleepover, in which case she has to negotiate it with him. If he refuses then I MIGHT offer him a compromise and say I will give up my Saturday with her so she can go to his instead of the Friday- but only by prior agreement and confirmation by e mail. I would do anything to make DD happy and her making strong friendships at school and having a social life away from me is so important. She struggled to fit in with the cliqueiness of her previous school so I am so happy for her that she has made new friends at this school and I want this to grow for her.

She did end up going round to his on Sunday as she texted him, and so did I, and he grudgingly said "bring her round at midday then" ....so he cannot argue that I kept him from seeing her at the weekend. Feel like Im walking on eggshells trying to please them both which is why it will be so good if we get agreed "days"

Maybe I'm wrong but I dont think he would go for residency of her- he wouldnt want the hassle of the mid week with her full time. I certainly think she is better with me for most of the week- especially when she is ill or feeling out of sorts- its always me she wants when she is upset in any way, its just the way she is. And he has no sympathy for her when she is ill.

RAS

teawithmilk wrote: »

We never formally agreed which nights he would see her or not. It has got into a routine of him having her to stay on Friday nights with me picking her up on Sat (early evening) so he gets at least 24 hours with her. He moans that she is tired and never wants to go anywhere with him on a Saturday, but thats not up to me to organise, he has her and he can organise nice trips out if he wants to.

Then during the week he maybe sees her once or twice if she goes round straight from school and has some dinner with him then I pick her up at 6.30pm. She never stays with him overnight mid-week- I dont think either of them would be keen on that.

I am about to send him an e mail saying that I am happy for her to see him every Friday night UNLESS something crops up like a sleepover, in which case she has to negotiate it with him. If he refuses then I MIGHT offer him a compromise and say I will give up my Saturday with her so she can go to his instead of the Friday- but only by prior agreement and confirmation by e mail. I would do anything to make DD happy and her making strong friendships at school and having a social life away from me is so important. She struggled to fit in with the cliqueiness of her previous school so I am so happy for her that she has made new friends at this school and I want this to grow for her.

She did end up going round to his on Sunday as she texted him, and so did I, and he grudgingly said "bring her round at midday then" ....so he cannot argue that I kept him from seeing her at the weekend. Feel like Im walking on eggshells trying to please them both which is why it will be so good if we get agreed "days"

The usual deal for contact is around every other weekend; and if the "child" wants to do stuff like birthday parties or sleep-overs in the NRP's weekend they negoitiate that themselves.

You may need to very reasonably point out to ex that DD is becoming a young woman now and like most pre-teens will want to spend more time with her friends and peers and less with her parents?

LannieDuck

I think it would be helpful to spend a little bit of time negotiating set contact. The ad hoc arrangement has worked so far, but if he's going to throw a strop every time it doesn't work in his favour, then you both need to know where you stand. Maybe talk it through with DD beforehand and find out how much time she'd like to spend over there?

teawithmilk

I understand she will have a life of her own all too soon so I chrerish every time she wants a cuddle at the moment!

He wont speak to me normally at the moment. When he was boxing up my stuff before the house inspection (I never asked him to do it but he took it upon himself which I hated) he must have come across some docs relating to the divorce, and I think there was an old diary of mine that he must have seen because his attitude got worse and he sent me a horrible text saying he never wanted to speak to me face to face again/see my face again. I found the docs in amoungst stuff that he had thrown in a bag and he must have read them. He claims that my e mails dont get through to him even though I send them to his personal email and his work one. So the only way I have of having any sort of dialogue with him at the moment is by text.

Im trying to be as reasonable as I possibly can. I hope this comes across. But I cant afford to instruct a solicitor to do a residency order or anything at the moment. I have just had my final legal bill through and it has used up all my spare/remaining cash. I have a small emergency fund but thats it. He didnt even consult a solicitor for the divorce (as far as i know) so I assume (hope) thathe wont get any ideas in his head about going for residency at the moment.

RAS

Hi

Legally two letters sent from two different post offices with free certificates of posting would be regarded as almost cast iron proof of a successful communication and that is enough for civil cases.

Speak to DD over the next few weeks and then write to him with a proposal; making absolutely clear that DD is Gillick competant and that at her age she may want to modify arrangments some weeks. Tell him you are doing this as a result of his behaviour this weekend, so as to avoid further confusion.

Also maybe suggest to DD that she speaks herself to dad about what arrangements she wants now and thinks about what she wants in the future.