Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

teawithmilk

I hope I havent given the impression that I am obsessed with pots and pans!

Or that I ever intended to empty the house and leave him with nothing. Its just that I did tend to buy all the "householdy" things like towels and bedding which I just left behind and I have had to start from scratch over the summer and spend a fair bit on household essentials. Ironically he did text me last night to ask if I had taken a frying pan from the kitchen! I could honestly say I hadnt. When the house inspection happened I noticed that in order to tidy up he had emptied the sink of all the washing up (which I had noticed had been in the sink for over a week and was going mouldy- eeuch) and stuck it in one of those heavy duty coated canvas supermarket bags and stuck it in the coal hole outside- god knows how long it will be festering out there so perhaps his precious missing frying pan is in there! My house might be messy but at least it is clean.....he told me recently he had a "mental map" of where everything in the house so that he would know what had been touched. This was after I "borrowed" a screwdriver from the kitchen and he noticed I had taken it!! so I havent taken anything else. I cant be bothered getting into a conversation about a flipin screwdriver when there are more important things to worry about.

Im going to e mail him today and give hom one more chance to agree an amount with me for DD. Im being reasonable- I know the CSA would expect him to pay around 10% of his wages for her but I'd be happy with anything really.

I can see what he bids on on e bay as he is using an old account of mine to bid (he had his e bay account shut down as he got into a mega argument with ebay) and I still have the password. At the moment he has just put in a best offer on a £3000 IWC watch. So can you see my frustration when he says he is too skint to pay me anything for DD. He either has money stashed away or maybe he is just messing about bidding on stuff. Maybe he is just winding me up knowing that I can see what he is bidding on. Who knows. Either way its just WRONG when im trying to hold everything together for myself and DD.

He just doesnt live in the real world and never has. Can you see why am utterly frustrated and why I am bitter about me having to start again from scratch??

LannieDuck

It'll all be over soon. You've got a few final threads to snip and then you don't have to think about him (beyond DD contact/CSA) again. You've done great getting to this stage.

How's DD settling into your new forever house?

teawithmilk

Thanks LannieDuck, I would never go back to the way I was 12 months ago! every month seems to get easier. I havent needed him for anything and I dont miss him anymore now. Im even managing all the DIY on my own. DDs bed collapsed at the weekend- I managed to fix it. Flat pack furniture? No problem for me! I feel so proud of myself! Just need to get some professionals in for the niggly jobs that I cant do like fixing some dodgy electric sockets but I wouldnt ever attempt that myself anyway.

DD is liking the house- she just seems to have settled right in. Her bedroom is perfect for her and she is even keeping it tidy! There are a few niggles with the house but nothing major.

Its just so nice being able to relax and not being paranoid about spilling anything or marking wall paper and being able to put shelves up and paint!

[Deleted User]

Its 15% of his net income.., not 10%.

The CSA are a bit slow to pin reluctant fathers down in my experience.., but they calculate arrears from the time they open the case and so if he doesn't pay for whatever reason, the arrears will mount and slowly be chased after (they can obtain his tax records if he won't tell them anything). However, if he stops paying, even if they are taking the money directly from his earnings or he changes jobs.., the chasing process starts again (in this position now myself). They have taken 3 months just to send the initial letter asking for an update/why he is no longer paying. Now i have to wait up to 16 weeks for tax records to be obtained. So its not easy.

But if he makes a voluntary private agreement, you don't have any way of chasing him. This is why I didn't go this route because I knew my son's father would stop paying within a couple of weeks.

Well done on your journey. You're on the home strait now.

teawithmilk

I know he must get over £2k a month after tax. He has been moaning recently about tax and saying that he is getting hammered with tax whenever I mention him contributing to DD- (an excuse for not giving me any money) so 15% of 2k would be around £300- wow. That would make a huge difference to me, or even half that amount would mean we could have a few treats and I could save for an emergency fund for DD.

I know he has travel costs (around £80 per month for his monthly bus pass) Then he pays me around £950 per month- that covers everything that Im having to pay on "his" house at the moment- rent, council tax, utilites etc so he will still have around £1000 disposable income. I know he has to buy food and also any debt repayments he is making which I think are minimal. But that still must leave him with a fair amount of disposable income I presume.

I am learning how to cook again at the moment after 20 years of him ruling the kitchen and I love the challenge of trying to rustle something up from what is in the reduced section of the local supermarket. Last night I was "bad" and treated myself to some reduced flowers- they were selling off big bunches for 35/45p. I got 4 or 5 bunches and gave one to DD to put in her room and then filled all my vases - a house full of flowers for less than 2 quid!!

Its actually really fun being on my own!

carefullycautious

Agree with above you are on the home run now. I would close that eBay account down if it is in your name, if he wins the watch you may end up having to pay for it.

I would make sure he pays the rent till the end of your contract and then chase for payment for daughter.

Anyway well done for the dignified way you have handled all of this. It says a lot about you that you have managed everything by yourself. You have strength of character which has helped you in the end.

Good luck for the future

tiger_eyes

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thanks LannieDuck, I would never go back to the way I was 12 months ago! every month seems to get easier. I havent needed him for anything and I dont miss him anymore now. Im even managing all the DIY on my own. DDs bed collapsed at the weekend- I managed to fix it. Flat pack furniture? No problem for me! I feel so proud of myself!

I've been reading this thread for seven months waiting for an update like this - that you're happy now, you're proud of yourself, every month is getting easier. Congratulations. You've been so brave and we're so proud of you.

Mojisola

teawithmilk wrote: »

so 15% of 2k would be around £300- wow. That would make a huge difference to me, or even half that amount would mean we could have a few treats and I could save for an emergency fund for DD.

As you know what he's like, it would be best to keep any money you get from him for one-off spends and emergencies. Don't start to rely on it for regular bills in case he finds ways of not paying up.

tayforth

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thanks LannieDuck, I would never go back to the way I was 12 months ago! every month seems to get easier. I havent needed him for anything and I dont miss him anymore now. Im even managing all the DIY on my own. DDs bed collapsed at the weekend- I managed to fix it. Flat pack furniture? No problem for me! I feel so proud of myself! Just need to get some professionals in for the niggly jobs that I cant do like fixing some dodgy electric sockets but I wouldnt ever attempt that myself anyway.

DD is liking the house- she just seems to have settled right in. Her bedroom is perfect for her and she is even keeping it tidy! There are a few niggles with the house but nothing major.

Its just so nice being able to relax and not being paranoid about spilling anything or marking wall paper and being able to put shelves up and paint!

teawithmilk wrote: »

I am learning how to cook again at the moment after 20 years of him ruling the kitchen and I love the challenge of trying to rustle something up from what is in the reduced section of the local supermarket. Last night I was "bad" and treated myself to some reduced flowers- they were selling off big bunches for 35/45p. I got 4 or 5 bunches and gave one to DD to put in her room and then filled all my vases - a house full of flowers for less than 2 quid!!

Its actually really fun being on my own!

Oh TWM, you have no idea how much it gladdens my heart to read these posts. You are such an amazing person, I have no idea how you've found the strength to deal with all of this but you have. It sounds as if you and your DD are settling in to your new home and having a grand old time. I'm so so so happy for you.

Well done on taking some of your things back. There is absolutely nothing to stop you going back again and taking at least some of the bedding, pans etc. He's living alone now, he doesn't need 6 of everything!!

Also, congratulations on the decree absolute. That is a huge step forward. :T You're almost at the end of the tunnel - when he moves out of the rented house, you'll have cut the last tie. :A

I second the advice about going to the GP, and seeking support at work. You are strong, but you need a helping hand too. Please ask for support xx

NAR

I agree with the other posters TWM I think you have done amazingly well too. Hopefully you will be able to negotiate Child Support with your ex, knowing that if you went the official route you would get approx £300pm. If he makes a silly offer just tell him that official CSA guidelines are 15% of net pay - hopefully another wake up call for him, and that if he wishes you go that route then you will!