Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

stripey1969

The most stressful life events include moving house, divorce and bereavement. You're going through a variation of all three (and have already done the first relatively recently!) so it's no wonder you feel tired and stressed out! Go easy on yourself, you're taking some big steps, but have faith they'll make life so much better in the end xx

tayforth

((((HUGS)))) teawithmilk, you have come through such a lot. Divorce, moving house twice and coping with your mum's dementia all at the same time would break most of us - I have the utmost respect and admiration for you.

I echo what NAR and stripey1969 have said - be kind to yourself. I'm so glad that you went to the coast for the weekend, sounds like it was just the tonic you and DD needed!

It's understandable that you feel excited about having your own washing machine, it's a symbol of your new (free) life and you own it - it doesn't belong to anyone else!

Glad that you're taking advantage of DD's absence to get loads done, that's very positive.

No doubt you will feel emotional about the decree absolute, don't hesitate to come on here anytime and vent. And don't be apologising for infrequent updates, we're all delighted to hear from you and we're cheering you on every step of the way!

teawithmilk

I just typed a big long post and it dissapeared. Story of my life at the moment.

I now have some more problems, I will try and be brief.

My decree absolute came through. Ex didnt even mention it, I assume he got a copy. I was upset. Stupidly I still have some feelings for him, even if it is just about his welfare.....I did spend 20 years of my 43 with him. Half my life virtually. He however is completely cold and unemotional as he sees that I have "done" this to him, he thought he was the perfect husband and that all the problems were with me.

Problem 1- He is still in the house that is leased in my name. I knew I went against everyones advice and should have just booted him out but I was too soft and too scared and feelings were too raw to do that. I thought that if things could be amicable we could muddle by until March and then he could have time to sort himself out. Now they want to do a house inspection on Thursday (the letting agency) his house is a mess, he hasnt cleaned it for weeks, he is even leaving all his washing up rotting in carrier bags. I still have a lot of stuff at the house, i could only carry so much when I left in June. Again, I thought he would be reasonable about allowing me access. He monitors what I take from the house- for example I borrowed/took a screwdriver to do some jobs at my mums flat and he immediately noticed I had taken it and demanded it back and said he "knew" I had taken it....which totally freaked me out...... He says he has a mental mind map of where everything is in the house and will know if I have been in and taken stuff- I only want my own stuff I have given up any thoughts of taking any "joint" furniture...he is welcome to it. I want my stuff out before the house inspection but dont know if I will have time. I did try and hget in over the weekend but he said it was inconvenient. And any comeback/bad feedback about the place being a mess following the house inspection will come back to me not him.

Problem 2- he seems to be getting worse and hating me more than ever- last night he said (via text) he had been going through my stuff "tidying it" ready for me to take and found "documents" that he is not happy about...God knows what he had found- maybe some diaries where I am critical of him or even stuff (like this thread) that I printed off the internet. It seems to have sent him over the edge a bit and he now says (via text) that he never wants to see me face to face again.

What a mess.

I just wish he would disapear. He is still controlling me and playing mind games. I srill feel his prescence all the time I cant stop worrying about things.....The worst but is that I have no one to turn to- I wish I had a big hefty brother to go with me and front up to him while I get my stuff but I have no one. I might be winding myself up but Im actually scared to go round. His text message last night ws so nasty and aggressve- he was mad because he wanted DD to go round straight from school and stay until 7pm tonight I said this was a bit late as she has homework tonight and suggested she stay until 6.30pm not 7...he insisted on 7, then DD said she didnt want to go at all so I told him she wasnt keen on coming tonight and to wait until later in the week and think that was what set him off.

Im actually quite scared of him now- he can be a really nasty, vindictive piece of work when he wants to be. I think now the penny has dropped that we are now divorced he is getting more nasty.

My friend from work is off today so im just sitting in the office, worrying and fretting with no one to talk to or reassure me.

RAS

The main tenancy is in your name.

Having allowed your ex to have exclusive possession by not going into the house anytime you want (as you would be legally entitled to do), you may have set up a sub-tenancy.

As a starting point, I would suggest that you advise him that you were hoping that he could take over the tenancy in March.

Obviously the state of the house during the house inspection, there is a real chance that the agency will issue a Section 21 notice to quit.

From your point of view that is what you need, legally.

I would text ex and tell him about the inspection. Ask him what action he has taken to transfer the tenancy to his name? Advise him that the agency may terminate the tenancy if he leaves it in it current state; maybe tell him that previously you had to spend several days cleaning madly to pass the inspection.

When the EA speak to you after the inspection, ask them to issue the S21 as soon as possible. If ex wants to take on the tenancy, they need to terminate the old contract anyway.

You probably need legal advice as to how to remove ex but I suspect that you will have to issue him formal notice.

Warning; there is a chance he will not pay the last three months rent; have you asked him for that yet? Can you afford to pay that and the mortgage? If not give send him a text saying you will contact the CSA if he starts mucking around. It may also take several months to evict him if he plays hard-ball.

Suggest you ring Shelter; their advice is good.

NAR

Oh dear TWM he is still trying to manipulate you. Can you get a half day off work between now and Thursday to go and remove your stuff? You don't need his permission for access the lease is in your name - you need to remind him of that.

Also remind him that if the inspection finds the place in a mess he could end up homeless, so it is his problem to resolve. The mess might come back on you financially but if he realises he could be homeless, hopefully he will wise up and tidy up.

Ignore what he has "found" just get all your paperwork out asap.

When you take your stuff away instead of facing him, leave him a letter stating he is no longer your husband and you are not going to be bullied or controlled by him - those days are gone. Too bad if he fizzes after reading some home truths.

Your feelings for him are natural, but the more stupid stunts he keeps pulling will help you realise why you had to divorce and get space from him.

Good luck TWM.

teawithmilk

Thank you so much for replying. I am feeling so low today. Had to deal with loads of idiots (customers actually!) at work who are stirring up trouble for no reason but for their own fun (putting in really really petty complaints and escalating them to senior managers just to prove a point) I havent done anything wrong, and the senior managers know I have done my job properly but it takes HOURS to respond to these complaints and log them and go through our complaints procedure. Im feeling so upset that the slightest thing might end up setting me off crying! So it makes me so mad that some people are causing trouble just for the hell of it...its just wasted time and its so ironic when time is my one problem at the moment...I need more of it (time that is, not complaints)!

My boss is aware of the stress Im under, my friend has told him also that Im on the edge of cracking up, he did tell me to go hom early on friday but I just ended up spending the afternoon sorting out mums problems not getting any relax time!

I have warned him I might need to take Thursday off.

I do need to get round to the house. I dont want to go in on my own though. I dont want to put DD at risk but I know he cant do anything to me if she is there. Its awful dragging her into this......maybe I am just thinking bad thoughts and overreacting but his text saying "I never want to see you face to face again" just had a really wierd undertone to it. I did have all sorts of documents lying around (like diaries and logs of his behaviour) which i just used to keep because sometimes he did things and then the next day he would deny them. Sometimes I had to write them down to just remember and convince myself they actually happened.! When I "ran away" in june I literally just took what was essential.

I do feel stupid for being so soft. I hope Im a kind person at heart and would never want to hurt anyone and wanted to help him and soften the blow of leaving. I think the only thing I did "wrong" was finally taking some action about our rubbish relationship. He had chance to leave. He never did, even though he must have known it wasnt a real relationship. he probably thnks I have taken everything away from him now as he doesnt have his childminder/cheuffeur/banker now i'm gone.

I want to hate him but I can't. I just want to cut all ties with him so he can't control my life anymore.

kelpie35

I think I read in one of your previous posts that you work in a male environment.

Would it be possible to ask one of your colleagues if they might help you by going to the house, with you, to
collect the rest of your stuff.

I would also ask the LL if it would be possible to terminate your lease ASAP. It is not your problem now where your Ex stays . You now need to only concentrate on yourself and your DD.

Errata

You choose who controls your life, nobody else. He appears to have done buqqer all when you were with him, so it's hardly surprising he's continuing to do just that now you're not.
You turned his life upside down with no warning, don't expect him to be anything less than narked - if your roles were reversed a you'd be narked as well.
If you feel unsafe collecting your belongins in one visit, ask the police to accompany you, and leave behind what you don't need or want. Don't use your daughter as a security guard.

LannieDuck

I think having the landlord evict you/him as a result of his conduct/upkeep is probably a good thing. You might lose your deposit, but I can't think of a way around that, and it might be worth it to get rid of him from the house. He's had plenty of time to find somewhere else to rent or get himself sorted enough to pay the rent himself.

paulineb_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thank you so much for replying. I am feeling so low today. Had to deal with loads of idiots (customers actually!) at work who are stirring up trouble for no reason but for their own fun (putting in really really petty complaints and escalating them to senior managers just to prove a point) I havent done anything wrong, and the senior managers know I have done my job properly but it takes HOURS to respond to these complaints and log them and go through our complaints procedure. Im feeling so upset that the slightest thing might end up setting me off crying! So it makes me so mad that some people are causing trouble just for the hell of it...its just wasted time and its so ironic when time is my one problem at the moment...I need more of it (time that is, not complaints)!

My boss is aware of the stress Im under, my friend has told him also that Im on the edge of cracking up, he did tell me to go hom early on friday but I just ended up spending the afternoon sorting out mums problems not getting any relax time!

I have warned him I might need to take Thursday off.

I do need to get round to the house. I dont want to go in on my own though. I dont want to put DD at risk but I know he cant do anything to me if she is there. Its awful dragging her into this......maybe I am just thinking bad thoughts and overreacting but his text saying "I never want to see you face to face again" just had a really wierd undertone to it. I did have all sorts of documents lying around (like diaries and logs of his behaviour) which i just used to keep because sometimes he did things and then the next day he would deny them. Sometimes I had to write them down to just remember and convince myself they actually happened.! When I "ran away" in june I literally just took what was essential.

I do feel stupid for being so soft. I hope Im a kind person at heart and would never want to hurt anyone and wanted to help him and soften the blow of leaving. I think the only thing I did "wrong" was finally taking some action about our rubbish relationship. He had chance to leave. He never did, even though he must have known it wasnt a real relationship. he probably thnks I have taken everything away from him now as he doesnt have his childminder/cheuffeur/banker now i'm gone.

I want to hate him but I can't. I just want to cut all ties with him so he can't control my life anymore.

Youve been through a lot and you've done really well, please dont crack up due to stress at work, if you have supportive bosses then take the support.

Its easy to see everything as really negative when youve been through a bad patch