Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

kelpie35

Well done for what you have achieved so far :T

You are a wonderful, caring and understanding Mum and Daughter. :A

If you have the time and energy would it be possible, when you have this van and driver, to collect all the things from your ex's house. I know you will find it difficult but it might close that chapter on your past life.

Hope your presentation has gone well.

Keep going and it will get easier. :beer:

RAS

teawithmilk wrote: »

Ive just had a terrible 2 weeks. My mum's dementia has got really bad over the last 2 wks and she has gone into a home for respite,and its causing no end of problems as she is not settled, is really agitated all the time and the home keep phoning us to go sort things out. Not to mention the worry of how we (as a family- my sister and brother and me) are going to pay for it. We want her to stay in permanently as she is not capable/safe to look after herself....Ive had to make loads of phone calls to social services, the GP, the mental health teams, memory team, and chase and chase things to try and hurry up getting my mum assessed and get any advice on how we can manage things.....as a result Ive been spending hours on the phone when I should have been working (at work) so Im surprised I havent had a rollicking about that.

DD keeps shouting at me as she says I am on the phone all the time about grandma- she doesnt realsie how we need to sort thigns out.

twm

When I read this I was very concerned that you and your siblings are making a complete hash of this situation.

That sound harsh as I appreciate you love your mum and that you are trying to do your best but you are making massive mistakes. Local authorities interpret the law slightly differently but I had 10 years dealing with them and the health services with respect to my mother and her dementia in different areas.

Firstly, has mum ever appointed any of you are attornies or signed either a Lasting or Enduring Power of Attorney?

Fact 1 - if an older person has family members who are prepared to shoulder the burden practically or financially social service will make them low priority or ignore them completely.

Fact 2 - under the Mental Capacity and Mental Disorder Act a person has the right to make decisions that are detrimental to their well-being as long as they are judged to have capacity. The only people who can assess the capacity of a person or deprive a person of their liberty are those who have been properly trained and are recognised as such by the Act.

Having removed mum from her home without an assessment of her care needs or an assessment under the Act, you have removed any obligation Social Services have to support her and render yourselves liable to pay all fees incurred whilst she is in the home, long-term.

If you have several tens of thousands of ££££ to pay her fees for each year of the rest of her life, OK. If not, you need to back-pedal fast.

Mum has to be returned home.

It is vital that you and your siblings do NOT provide her with support that you cannot sustain long-term.

You need to write (stop phoning) to her GP and to Social Services and advise them that you can no longer support her care needs. You may want to explain that you are a single parent in full-time work and that the situation is adversely affecting your relationship with DD and could jeopardise your employment as well. Ask for an assessment of her care needs as a matter or urgency.

This is hard but it is the only way to get mum the assessment she needs and unless you are able to pay her fees for the home the only way to access the financial support that is needed long-term.

We were advised by mum's GP to stop intervening because she "lacked insight" (thought she was OK) and the only way they could intervene without her consent was if we allowed her to get bad enough to trigger action.

Further down the line when she had an accident her key worker and social worker told us not to visit her in the acute hospital and not to tell friends or relatives where she was. It would only be by bed-blocking that she would become enough of a priority for her to get the in-patient assessment to which they had been trying to refer her for some time.

You can get advice from AgeUK or elderabuse if you need to understand the law.

girlatplay

That is fantastic news that DD loves the house. Can you imagine how much more happy she will be when she eventually finds out she will not be moving again! She will start getting a sense of identity with all her things around her, pictures on the wall, decoration if she decides she wants it, friends over for tea/sleepovers, a less stressed mummy (no inspections/further moves).

The green shoots are starting to poke through for you. You are turning the corner. It takes time and every day won't be like that just yet but you've just had a small peep at the future. I am cheering you on so hard here I have almost lost my voice

carefullycautious

You are doing the right thing not telling her at present that can wait for later I'm sure she will find out sooner or later as she makes friends who might let slip. You can always say you wanted to surprise her.

You have come a long way so don't despair and the very best of luck in your new home, in a few years ime you will look back and wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

Lunar_Eclipse

RAS wrote: »

It is vital that you and your siblings do NOT provide her with support that you cannot sustain long-term.

We were advised by mum's GP to stop intervening because she "lacked insight" (thought she was OK) and the only way they could intervene without her consent was if we allowed her to get bad enough to trigger action.

Further down the line when she had an accident her key worker and social worker told us not to visit her in the acute hospital and not to tell friends or relatives where she was. It would only be by bed-blocking that she would become enough of a priority for her to get the in-patient assessment to which they had been trying to refer her for some time.

I understand that situations like these are incredibly difficult, stressful and emotional for numerous reasons. However, just because it appears that the system is very !!!!ed up, doesn't mean that we should lower our own behavioural standards, to speed up the necessary process.

How can it ever be right/acceptable that professionals suggest withdrawing support and not visiting inpatients after accidents?

How did you feel when you were advised down this path, for your own mother?

tayforth

Oh, I'm delighted that your DD likes the new house! Imagine how pleased she'll be when you tell her that you bought it, and that you don't have to move again. LOL at her comment about the compost bin!

I agree with the suggestion of getting the 'man with a van' to pick up things from your ex's house. Kill two birds with one stone... and it'll save you money if you take some furniture and household items with you.

How did your presentation go yesterday?

LannieDuck

Am I right that you've moved in by now? Is DD happily settled?

thorsoak

How are things going, TWM? Hopefully, you are too busy sorting out your new home to update us!

teawithmilk

Hello All, Im so sorry I havent updated...feel really selfish.... as if I only come here to moan about stuff, but I have been so busy over the last 2 weeks and have been off work for the last week just to take some time to get organised. It has just been the busiest 2 weeks Ive had for a very long time.

I've just popped into work today to catch up with a few things, even though Im supposed to be on leave! I still do not have my own computer at home or landline/broadband so the only way I can get online is at work (or at my sisters house)!

Since getting the keys so much has happened:

I moved out of my small rented house and hand the keys back a week ago...that was EXHAUSTING as I had to move everything on my own, mainly on evenings after work, (except for the really big stuff like the beds which I got a man and a van to do)

I only just got finished clearing out my junk and cleaning in time to hand the keys back- I wanted to leave the place clean and tidy so fingers crossed I will get my full bond back next week afetr they have "inspected" it. Its nice to have one less set of keys to have to manage! A brief and very strange chapter of my life closed now!! DD was a bit upset- she had strangely got attached to that little rented house but she is so excited about the new house and getting that organised.

My colleague at work's mum has a holiday caravan at a Haven site and she let me have it for the weekend after I moved out...I was going to not go, as I was exhausted, but once I'd handed the keys back I decided to go, left the new house in complete chaos, didnt even do the washing up, and drove to the coast for a couple of nights with DD and we took her cousin (my niece-similar age to DD) for company. It was really nice!

Then there is the slow process of unpacking and tidying up- I had to manage without a fridge for a few days (another good reason for going away for 2 nights) as my mum has given me her fridge/freezer and I had to wait until I could get someone with a big car to go pick it up. Im trying to save money where I can and mums would have just goen to charity/storage as she cant go back to her flat.

Had a nice new washing machine delivered this week and I keep going in the kitchen and patting it/admiring it!! - how sad!! Its 13 years since I had a brand new washing machine of my own and not a horrible ancient one in a rented house!!

In between all the chaos going on with moving My mum got an assessment from the mental health team and also social services... both agreed that she has lost capacity to make decisions and even though we are having to pay for mums care due to her savings she is now on social services "radar" and they have agreed she needs to be in 24hr residential care.

Its so sad though- went to her flat to clear out a few things and she has so few material possessions compared to me- had a little cry becuase she will never be going back to the flat and things will never be the same for mum again. The flat still smells of her perfume and all her bits and pieces were there justas she had left them. I know she has not died or anything but it feels like a little part of her has gone if that makes sense.

She is having to move from the home where we put her into respite- it sort of justifies why we did it (we had felt guilty for weeks about taking her into care) as the current home say they cant cope with her needs- she is agitated, very paranoid and has started wandering around and going into other residents rooms. She has totally lost a whole chunk of her memory- she cant even remember living in her flat or anything about it....The current care home say she needs somewhere that can manage her dementia better- so we have found another nice home, not so good location for us (its much further to go vist her) but they sound like they will be much more tuned into what she needs and are very geared up for dementia care. So its better to move her now before she gets too settled into where she has been for the last 3 weeks if that makes sense.

So its been the most turbulent October EVER for me. So many changes.

And my solicitor phoned me last week and said I could apply now for the decree absolute. It felt really strange...she could tell I was really hesitant. I know it is the sensible thing to do, to not drag things out, but it just feels so FINAL. Anyway I went in and paid my cheque for the court fee so that will be on its way sometime next week. Prepare for a long post from me next week when I will probably be getting a bit emotional.

DD is with him this week (even though he is not taking her anywhere) he demanded to see her for a few days as I had taken her away to the seaside- almost like tit-for-tat becuase he couldnt get his usual "friday night" with her. Im missing her but at least I can get some tidying up and unpacking doe while she is out of the house.

Onwards and upwards....just feel so drained at the moment!

NAR

Gosh TWM what a topsy turvey month you have had indeed.

So sorry about problems with mum, she really has gone downhill by the sound of things. At least you now know she is getting the best care for her condition.

Well done in completing your move to "your" castle. Good health to enjoy :beer: So glad DD is adjusting to her new surroundings.

Decree Absolute is a bitter sweet experience, but for your peace of mind you know you had to go through with it. I'm sure it will not go done well with your ex, but that is his problem to deal with. The Financial Consent Order will need dealing with in due course and I would take direction from your solicitor, considering all the circumstances.

Onwards and upwards TWM :j :j :j