Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

tayforth

Hi again TWM!

I'm so happy that you're finally getting your new house. :beer: Sorry for not keeping up properly recently.

I've just read all the bits that I've missed since the end of June, and what an emotional rollercoaster it's been. You are an incredible woman, and you've behaved with more dignity and compassion than most people would in your position.

Now, excuse me while I call your ex-husband a massive T.W.A.T for being so horrid to you! Extend the lease for me! Insure my stuff! Call the LL to ask if he's taken my bike! Oh and give me back the keys!

God, but you are SO well rid of him. But you already know that. You had a wobble when you got the decree nisi, which I think is totally normal. But your relief at being free of him is obvious. The holiday you shared with DD sounded wonderful, and proved that you're better off without him.

There's been some fantastic advice from posters on here, including the woman who's been a single mum for 13 years and has turned her life around completely. That's so heartening to read, even for me and I don't have kids!

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thanks. Im back in work today, but feeling really upset. I dont know why I'm feeling so sad today. My sensible side is saying that I should be pleased that after years of being in an unhappy relationship Im finally making some progress- but I am also feeling sad, guilty, and worried that I am doing the right thing. Maybe I should have just seperated from him, maybe I should have just lived in this little rented house for a year and let the dust settle instead of rushing into putting in an offer on another house. Why did i think it was going to be easy or the right decision just to go straight ofr divorce????

I still care about him and if he had behaved just a little differently things might have been different. But Ive been scared to talk to him, I have tried and tried to say how unhappy I have been, even looking back at my posts here shows that I have tried. And I'm hurting that he has had two weeks to try and talk to me and he has shown no emotion at my leaving, up until he got the paperwork through and now all he is showing is anger and blame back at me, he says he is really upset at what I have put in the petition, he is dragging up the past (4 years ago I tried to leave him and he begged me to come back and I did give him umpteen more chances and things never improved really) and he is saying that he has paid for family holidays and that I have thrown all that "kindness" back in his face. He keeps going on and on about me "planning" this as if Ive been evil doing that, and he says that I have had an "agenda" for some time.

And I still have the mess with the tenancy to sort out. I know I have to go to the CSA as soon as I can, I just dont have the energy. I just wish there was someone to give me a cuddle, and just tell me everything will be ok n the end but I feel like im completely on my own.

Just had another solicitors bill e mailled through too to pay. And a call from the estate agent who is selling me the house that i want, but the way Im feeling today I feel like cancelling it all- the divorce, the house everything. The joke is that even if I said "OK darling Im cancelling the divorce and coming back" he wouldnt want me back- or if he did it would be on his terms- so there you go that proves my point, but it doesnt stop me feeling crap about myself.

I know that this was a while ago, but have a belated (((((HUG))))).

teawithmilk wrote: »

I'm sorting out the redirection today- to be honest I get very little sent to the house I shared with him anyway- most of my financial stuff still goes to my mums house just because I was too lazy to ever change my address, and most of it is paperless banking that I do.

I need to get some work work done! Im not able to concentrate today have a huge backlog of work stuff from last week that has been dumped on me and I feel like I'm going to burst into tears if anyone gets stroppy with me at work today. Im hiding in my office so no one sees me in case I start blubbing.

I know Im a strong person and if I look at what I've done so far (on my own) like moving all my stuff on my own, looking after DD on a daily basis, sorting out lease on new house etc I know I am not a useless lazy person, I just need to keep plodding on because no one else is going to do it for me.

Thanks again everyone xx

You are strong. And amazing. And I don't blame you for feeling like crying at work, or at any time.

teawithmilk wrote: »

Spent the weekend doing the garden at my (new) rented house- I love the smell of mown grass! The garden at the (old) house where he is still staying is now very very overgrown- I have noticed this the last couple of weeks when I dropped off DD- so I said absent mindedly to my friend at work this morning that I would have to pop home early while he was still at work and mow the grass at his place...her jaw dropped. She said "you are seriously considering going there to do HIS garden????" ...and that sums it up...I have gotten so used/conditioned to doing EVERYTHING! ...he never mowed the lawn or did any of the upkeep of the rented places we have been in, unless it was absolutely essential and even then I had to cajole him to do it....Just leaves me with a problem when I do give up the tenancy of house number 1 in September as the garden will be like a jungle so I might have to pay someone to do it iin the last week if I dont have time.

I have done something that is not very MSE. In the first week of the holidays he has booked a week's holiday cottage- I know he is doing this to spoil DD and she will have a lovely time. So I thought I'd also better have something to look forward to! So I have booked a premier inn later in the holidays for a week in Devon. Its way more expensive than going on a holiday park (my friend is going to save me the sun coupons the next time they do their cheap holidays) but I just wanted to have something to look forward to and plan for. And because its not "abroad" he can't have any funny objections to me taking her and I can drive there so it will be a fairly easy introduction to holidays on my own.......I can't wait! Its just going to eat into my savings a little bit. I was scared (irrationally) about booking my first holiday on my own as he has always done it, and boasted about what good deals he cann get online, implying that I would be rubbish at it. I may have not got the cheapest option but its a start of my "journey" into doing things completely on my own!

Just got to get the road atlas out now and start planning what to see.

I managed to get my appraisal done OK. I half considered phoning in sick on Friday as I was so scared about getting told off for not meeting my targets. But I have never pulled a sickie in my life so I just gritted my teeth and got on with it. In the end it was OK- I got a bit of a ticking off for one project that I should have started several weeks ago but I think I managed to persuade boss that I could get it back on track this month. Im now really pleasedI came in for it because I would have just been dreading it even more.....I wouldnt be able to get away with it as boss would not have forgotten to do it.

So feeling a bit more positive today...thanks everyone!

This is one of my favourite posts in the entire thread. Your self-awareness is increasing day by day. And what a big step it was to book that holiday! And you braved your appraisal, despite being afraid of what would be said. I have the utmost respect for you, TWM. :T:T:T

teawithmilk

Thanks everyone. I wish my solicitor HAD told me what to do. Im good at taking instructions- 20 years of practice with him!

But she said that it was my decision. All she has been able to do has been advise me. So I know I have taken a very risky decision to commit to buying a house without a financial agreement with him. But I was just too scared to put my life on hold for to long and risk never being approved for a mortgage (due to my age) Im no spring chicken.

Maybe he will never say a word about finances, or maybe in a few years time he will come after me and try and get half my pension. I dont know. I have a much better pension than him as I have been paying in since I was 21 and he only has aroound 10 years worth of occupational pension- so about half what mine is worth.

Im still agonising as usual about whether I have made the right decisions. But Ive got to try and loosen up a bit and stop being such a control freak over my life and chill out a bit and stop worrying about the smallest things. I do miss him sometimes and still have feelings for him but I cant go back to the way I was living and he isnt ever going to change.

My rented house is looking really tidy as I have shoved everything into the garage to tidy up as they are showing people round (the landlord is trying to sell it) so apart from what is in the garage I can now see "the wood from the trees" and realised that i only have about 8 large items e.g. beds, that need moved so I can probably just get away with hiring a man and a van for a morning soon. I must pick a date and check out getting one organised- thinking aloud here now!

neneromanova

From where I'm standing I can see you've made a good decision. Just think how you'd feel in 5 years time when you look back to know and say, "I'm so glad I did that" instead of "I wish I'd done that" and think how happy your DD will be when she can paint her room the colour she wants and have friends over and not really worry about making a mess so you lose your deposit. (within reason of course :rotfl: )

Well done to have come this far

tayforth

How are things, TWM? xxx

teawithmilk

Bu**er just typed a big reply and it has dissapeared!

Anyway I am just singing to myself "four more sleeps, four more sleeps, four more sleeps until I get the keys!!"

Im getting quite excited now. Even the estate agents hassling me to show people round the house I am renting isnt even bothering me which would usually stress me out...I hate people noseying at my "stuff" and they always comment on my furniture (even though it is mine and not the landlords!!!) or try and open wardrobe doors however much I try and tell letting agents not to let the people they are showing round touch my things....the last viewing (a few days ago) the woman demanded to see in the garage and the estate agent made me open it and a big pile of my boxes which I had put in there fell over and spilled out all my paperwork and loads of clothes out onto the floor!!....then I thought they had cleared off as the EA said "we are going now" and 10 mins later I went into the kitchen to find the 2 women standing taking measurements- they had come back in through the back door (uninvited) for a second look! so I'm pretending I have "misplaced" the garage key now and keeping all doors firmly shut/locked. They have two viewings booked in for saturday and unfortunately I am not around as I have to work so will have to trust them to show people round without me being there- it does feel a bit like a massive intrusion though...like Im a "non-person"/second class citizen now that I have handed my notice in.

Still I wont have to bother about that once Im in my own place!! no crappy 3 monthly inspections where I have to shove everything away and then misplace things for months afterwards as i cant remember where i have put them,....or landlords visits I can have the place as messy as I like (can you tell Im a messy person??!!) and even have the pets indoors (a rash promise to DD that she can keep them next to the font door- she will love it but I will hate all the sawdust in the hallway!!)

I am so excited, but trying not to be!

RAS

twm

By law there is NO requirement for you to allow the EA or their clients into the house to view it, whatever it says in the contract.

Statute law trumps contract law.

You might be prepared to allow one or two specific days and times that suit you if you want to be ultra nice but

1. You can insist on being present.
2. You can refuse all client visits - this is the LAW.

Do you really want your moving into the new house to be burgered up by the EA demanding to bring clients around?

You need to make yourself a priority sometimes.

teawithmilk

Sorry for being AWOL. I have just had a whirlwind few days.

I now have my keys. I went round yesterday and had a massive feeling of panic/anti climax- the house looks really sorry for itself, it smelt really fusty, and the garden is smaller than I remember. I was so depressed that I had to leave and didnt even take DD round. Its not a posh house at all- a little ex council house in a scruffy street- completely different to where we are renting presently which is a very smart, affluent street. But I have to get my head round the fact that its all I can afford.

So all my money is gone now- tied up in those four walls! Hope Ive made the right choice in the long run.

I went back this morning and had a better look around. Was trying to convince myself that i could make it home. It will be OK once we are moved in. I just have to make it look homely.

I always do this. I am terrible for making a decision then agonising about whether I have done the right thing. I wish that I was the sort of person who could just make my mind up and stick to it.

Just feeling a bit depressed today, dont know why, I have been so very busy at work, im tired and I dont even have the energy to move house. I have booked a day off on Friday to move the big stuff with a man and a van. DD will be angry that we are moving, she has been getting very stroppy recently we had a massive fight this morning about getting ready for school, and Im afraid I ended up completely losing my temper at her cheeky attitude and ended up smacking her badly which I feel incredibly guilty for and the worst mum in the world. She will grow up thinking I am an abusive mother. I hate myself for doing it.

I am tired all the time, its hard looking after her on my own, and then I feel guilty as I know I have a much easier life than some people...some parents bring up 2/3/4 kids on their own and dont end up losing the plot like me. I shouldnt expect her to understand why I am tired all the time, she is only 11.

Im getting mad with myself for the most stupid of things, Im forgetting and losing things all the time, because im always in a rush and dashing about at a million miles an hour, like dropping money in the street, lost my credit cards, just stupid stuff because my stress levels are so high....Ive just had a terrible 2 weeks. My mum's dementia has got really bad over the last 2 wks and she has gone into a home for respite,and its causing no end of problems as she is not settled, is really agitated all the time and the home keep phoning us to go sort things out. Not to mention the worry of how we (as a family- my sister and brother and me) are going to pay for it. We want her to stay in permanently as she is not capable/safe to look after herself....Ive had to make loads of phone calls to social services, the GP, the mental health teams, memory team, and chase and chase things to try and hurry up getting my mum assessed and get any advice on how we can manage things.....as a result Ive been spending hours on the phone when I should have been working (at work) so Im surprised I havent had a rollicking about that.

DD keeps shouting at me as she says I am on the phone all the time about grandma- she doesnt realsie how we need to sort thigns out. My work is horrendous- had loads of stuff dumped on me and as a result am struggling there too and getting told off by my boss. I ahvent been able to concentrate due to my mum and what has been going on with the house purchase. Wish I had time to sit down and sort stuff out- now I have to spend ages sorting out utilities and change of address and all I can think is that i have brought this upon myself - Its all been my choice hasnt it!!

Im sounding a bit manic now- one of the ladies at work said to go to the doctors and get antidepressants but I wouldnt even know how to ask for help.

Time, time, I need more time........

LannieDuck

And breathe...

I know other posters have suggested being cautious about telling DD you've bought the house, but I take the opposite view. Poor thing has been really uprooted in the last year. Taken away from her home, parents have split up and are arguing, made herself feel at home where she is now, and then her Mum says she has to move again even tho she doesn't want to. It's no wonder she's playing up a bit. I think she deserves to know that this is a permanent home and it's hers for as long as she wants to stay there.

Don't worry that the house needs doing up - I think it's actually a plus point for DD. It means that you and her get to decorate it together She can choose colours and wall paper etc. Maybe start with the living room and her bedroom. The rest can wait.

...and you're on the property ladder! No more rent going to landlords. You get to build up an investment for DD's future

Do you have some spare leave that you could use for a long weekend? It sounds as if you need a bit of a break.

Wrt your Mum, I don't think you as a family will have to pay. Either you'll use your Mum's savings, and if she doesn't have any/runs out, then she'll get a care package provided. Could your sister and brother do some of the phone chasing? I think they need to take a turn so you can concentrate on your work. It probably just feels as if it's all building up because you've been trying to squeeze it around the phone calls.

If you really need to, perhaps DD could stay with her Dad one weekend and you could go into work to catch up on the backlog? I'm not suggesting that as a first option, but if you're really stressed it might help you to relax once you've got through a good chunk.

Utilities and change of address, yes I'm afraid that's just something that needs to be done. But you should be able to deal with all that in a day, so maybe a day off work for it?

tattycath

teawithmilk wrote: »

Sorry for being AWOL. I have just had a whirlwind few days.

I now have my keys. I went round yesterday and had a massive feeling of panic/anti climax- the house looks really sorry for itself, it smelt really fusty, and the garden is smaller than I remember. I was so depressed that I had to leave and didnt even take DD round. Its not a posh house at all- a little ex council house in a scruffy street- completely different to where we are renting presently which is a very smart, affluent street. But I have to get my head round the fact that its all I can afford.

So all my money is gone now- tied up in those four walls! Hope Ive made the right choice in the long run.

I went back this morning and had a better look around. Was trying to convince myself that i could make it home. It will be OK once we are moved in. I just have to make it look homely.

I always do this. I am terrible for making a decision then agonising about whether I have done the right thing. I wish that I was the sort of person who could just make my mind up and stick to it.

Just feeling a bit depressed today, dont know why, I have been so very busy at work, im tired and I dont even have the energy to move house. I have booked a day off on Friday to move the big stuff with a man and a van. DD will be angry that we are moving, she has been getting very stroppy recently we had a massive fight this morning about getting ready for school, and Im afraid I ended up completely losing my temper at her cheeky attitude and ended up smacking her badly which I feel incredibly guilty for and the worst mum in the world. She will grow up thinking I am an abusive mother. I hate myself for doing it.

I am tired all the time, its hard looking after her on my own, and then I feel guilty as I know I have a much easier life than some people...some parents bring up 2/3/4 kids on their own and dont end up losing the plot like me. I shouldnt expect her to understand why I am tired all the time, she is only 11.

Im getting mad with myself for the most stupid of things, Im forgetting and losing things all the time, because im always in a rush and dashing about at a million miles an hour, like dropping money in the street, lost my credit cards, just stupid stuff because my stress levels are so high....Ive just had a terrible 2 weeks. My mum's dementia has got really bad over the last 2 wks and she has gone into a home for respite,and its causing no end of problems as she is not settled, is really agitated all the time and the home keep phoning us to go sort things out. Not to mention the worry of how we (as a family- my sister and brother and me) are going to pay for it. We want her to stay in permanently as she is not capable/safe to look after herself....Ive had to make loads of phone calls to social services, the GP, the mental health teams, memory team, and chase and chase things to try and hurry up getting my mum assessed and get any advice on how we can manage things.....as a result Ive been spending hours on the phone when I should have been working (at work) so Im surprised I havent had a rollicking about that.

DD keeps shouting at me as she says I am on the phone all the time about grandma- she doesnt realsie how we need to sort thigns out. My work is horrendous- had loads of stuff dumped on me and as a result am struggling there too and getting told off by my boss. I ahvent been able to concentrate due to my mum and what has been going on with the house purchase. Wish I had time to sit down and sort stuff out- now I have to spend ages sorting out utilities and change of address and all I can think is that i have brought this upon myself - Its all been my choice hasnt it!!

Im sounding a bit manic now- one of the ladies at work said to go to the doctors and get antidepressants but I wouldnt even know how to ask for help.

Time, time, I need more time........

Great news that you have your keys!
Re. All the phone calls about your mum... Can't your siblings make some of the calls an take some of the weight off your shoulders?
Also, if your mum is in respite, I thought respite was supposed to be to give her carers a break-so why can't they cope for a few days?
Re. Work. I appreciate your head is probably in a spin and you are very busy in all aspects of your life just now, however, you really can't afford to jeopardise your job Hun.
After having said all that, maybe you could try and compartmentalise and try allowing different times for different things-don't forget to factor in time for yourself. If you burn yourself out you won't be any good to anybody.

(((Hugs))) Hun. You're doing great. Xx

girlatplay

Aaaand.......breeeaaathhee............ Take some deep breaths, good for relaxation.

teawithmilk wrote: »

I always do this. I am terrible for making a decision then agonising about whether I have done the right thing. I wish that I was the sort of person who could just make my mind up and stick to it.

This is me too. I take ages to make the decision in the first place then agonise over whether it was the right decision. Thing is, you have done it now. It is a proper new start. You will move in, make it homely and once you are past this horrible stage of guilt, worry, stress and all the other negative feelings you have, it will be great!

teawithmilk wrote: »

Just feeling a bit depressed today, dont know why, I have been so very busy at work, im tired and I dont even have the energy to move house. I have booked a day off on Friday to move the big stuff with a man and a van. DD will be angry that we are moving, she has been getting very stroppy recently we had a massive fight this morning about getting ready for school, and Im afraid I ended up completely losing my temper at her cheeky attitude and ended up smacking her badly which I feel incredibly guilty for and the worst mum in the world. She will grow up thinking I am an abusive mother. I hate myself for doing it.

This will not happen. Do you know that you are not the only parent in the world who has done this and has the same feelings? Sometimes these things happen. You don't beat her black and blue every day do you? You are very, very stressed. Have a chat and a cuddle with her later. Let her talk too.

teawithmilk wrote: »

I am tired all the time, its hard looking after her on my own, and then I feel guilty as I know I have a much easier life than some people...some parents bring up 2/3/4 kids on their own and dont end up losing the plot like me. I shouldnt expect her to understand why I am tired all the time, she is only 11.

It is hard being a single parent. I have never understood how people manage with more than one. My cousin is a single parent and has 3 kids. She is so chilled and looks like she copes so well. I have struggled so much with DD on my own. I have lost the plot with her on occasion. Do you know what though? We have the best relationship ever. She will be 13 next week and things are great! I still shout *a lot* but it is really levelling out now. Keep on keeping on. You will get there. I know I sound like a broken record but you have to trust me on this.

teawithmilk wrote: »

Im sounding a bit manic now- one of the ladies at work said to go to the doctors and get antidepressants but I wouldnt even know how to ask for help.

Maybe you could get some anti anxiety medication. Is there a doctor at your surgery who you particularly like? Or one who seems really nice? Just go along and chat. Explain your situation and what is going on with your mum. You have a HUGE amount of stuff that you are dealing with right now. No one will blame you for asking for help.

Massive hugs to you x