Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

teawithmilk

How much of a safety net do you think would be a minimum? I did rather want to get a new washer..just so it is under guarantee...my mum might be letting me have her old fridge freezer as she is starting on meals on wheels and will only need a tiny fridge so we are going to get her a worktop one.

Had a massive row with him last night...actually it was rather one sided as it was mainly me getting wound up. He has this really annoying habit of not making eye contact and ignoring me when I try to speak to him. When I went to pick up DD I had arranged what time I would arrive but she wasnt ready. I stood in the living room while she got herself ready and said to him that we needed to talk properly at some point about DD. He just ignored me. This just got my back up completely.,....I was really stressed as I had spent most of the day sorting out a major disaster at my mums who has dementia (she had set her kitchen on fire- I am not exaggerating) he knew about this as I had texted him to say I was going to be 10 mins late to pick DD up and he didnt even ask how my mum was...which I suppose is too much to expect really as he now views me as some sort of evil beast but then he has known my mum for 20 years and we even lived with her briefly when we were first married. He could have had the decency to ask- is your mum OK.

I asked him if I could take some furniture from the house and he said no. He said the things I wanted he had paid for and so I couldnt take them. A lot of the stuff in the house was bought a long time ago- maybe ten years- and I cant remember who paid for what! Im 99% sure I paid for most of the stuff I was wanting to take. Then he said in future I would have to knock before walking into the house (I ALWAYS KNOCK!!) and wait until he answered the door to me and he wanted all keys back from me.

I feel like my hands are tied at the moment as I want to keep things calm until the house purchase is over but it feels like it just cant happen quick enough. Oh, and DD said he was sticking two fingers up to me as I walked out the room- how mature of him to do that in front of her.

It just reminds me again that I have made the right decision to leave. Cant believe its been three months now that I have been away from him. I feel much stronger but really wish I could break all ties to him if he isnt going to behave in a mature way.

tattycath

(((Hugs))).
How is your mum? I hope she is ok.
Regarding the keys and where he lives... I would remind him that your name is on the tenancy and and that you will be keeping the key. ( and if he doesn't like it -he can either lump it or sort his own accommodation and rent out).

teawithmilk

Thanks Tattycath- my mum is Ok thankfully but I am having to go round every day now and take it in turns to clean for her and shop for her with my sister on alternate days (there is just the two of us) and each day there is some sort of disaster- we have had to disconnect her cooker yesterday following her nearly burning the place down, and my brother wants to put her in a home asap but she would be really unhappy with that- we need to get her assessed and see what she needs, and make sure we do it with her full consent (if we can) not just bunging her into any old home. She is totally oblivious to anyone else now and its like having another child to deal with! Just a bit of extra stress to add to the equation!!

I did remind him that I had done him a huge favour by extending the lease, I guess its just too much to ask that I get any sort of gratitude from him. I sound a bit like a broken record now because whenever I get wound up by him (often!) I do remind him that I feel I have been incredibly reasonable with him, he just keeps saying "well you were the one who walked out"

Im cross with myself now because ages ago he sent me either a text or an e mail and I cant find it, (my phone only seems to store a months worth of texts) in it he said that there was all sorts of stuff in the house which he wanted me to take, eg a telly which I bought brand new and has barely been used, rugs, a table and chairs etc ....if I could just find that e-mail then he wouldnt be able to back track and say that I wasnt able to take anything. Its just "stuff" at the end of the day, it wouldnt be a disaster if I never got it and had to manage with no furniture but it would save me having to beg borrow or buy new and he is just being petty.

I was looking at my sleeping DD this morning- she looked so beautiful snoring and snuffling away and it just made me realise yet again that the most important thing is keeping her safe and happy..it doesnt matter about a copulpe of blasted chairs! Doesnt stop me getting wound up about his immaturity though.

kelpie35

I would certainly be contacting Social Service re you Mum. I was in your position many years ago and it was for her own safety that she had to go into a home.

You say that you are sharing her care with your sister but you need to work as did I, don't know if your sister works, but your Mum is showing signs that she requires 24 hour care.

It is so heartbreaking to see this happening to someone you love so much, but bear in mind that you need to do this for her own good.

My thoughts are with you, stay strong TWM X

NAR

TWM I'm just catching up on recent events after being on holiday.

Glad you have made the deposit on the new house and that you will be signing for it soon. Hope you have set aside sufficient for the various costs associated like survey fees?

Keeping him sweet regarding the rental lease is almost certainly a good idea until you confirm ownership of your new house. The decree nisi and absolute arrival will probably annoy him, but so what IT IS OF HIS OWN MAKING!

I also agree with leaving the CSA until you have signed for the new house, however you could try and negotiate on that in the interim. If he won't talk then write a note stating what you think is reasonable for him to pay for DD. If that fails then go to CSA next month and he will get a shock at what he has to pay!

Don't give up keys, you have a right of access, plus you need to be able to move your stuff from the loft when it suits you.

So sorry to hear about mum, timing is awful, but unfortunately that is life. I too hope, as a family, you get the right help and support for mum.

Gosh you have come such a long way in such a short time. Keep strong, we are all here for you. :T

teawithmilk

Thanks NAR- the money I transferred was all the fees, basically their final account, it included stamp Duty and everything. I just have to sign the contreact now and get it witnessed- dont know why I am procrastinating really, it is sitting on my desk at work ready to go. Solicitor said in his letter that I should go and view it one more time before eschange but no one has ever told me to do that before when I was buying a house...is that standard practice?

Im worried now that because I have been mentioning money a lot recently that it will have wound him up and he might now go and see a solicitor. Im sort of banking on him being lazy and not bothering up until now. Just waiting for the decree nisi- should have been here last week.

Im learning my lesson with him though- every time I do him a favour to be kind he seems to throw it back in my face somehow. So I'm going to try and avoid contact with him. I will do as he wants- I will just stay out of his way, and if I go pick DD up from his house I will just sit outside in the car. If he just wants to communicate by text then I will just do that.

Thanks everyone for the moral support xx

teawithmilk

Just sorted out meals on wheels for mum- its a fiver per meal but thats well worth it if she gets something nutritious and hot to eat at least once per day. So thats really cheered me up. Lady on the phone was really helpful, I was dreading phoning social services but they sound really well organised.

neneromanova

Normally you go view again to measure up for furniture and check there isn't now a whopping great hole in a wall and that the house looks good for you to proceed. I'd go see it again just in case

You're doing so well with everything

Errata

teawithmilk wrote: »

might now go and see a solicitor. Im sort of banking on him being lazy and not bothering up until now. Just waiting for the decree nisi- should have been here last week.

Someone will correct me if this is wrong. Ancillary relief can be applied for even after the decree absolute is granted, and I don't think there's time limit.

reason2

my work really wont be happy with me but i just spent the last 2 hours reading this from start to finish.

And although i think you have been super soft on the ex OH still.

i think what you have achieved and how you have done it is nothing short of corageous and remarkable.