Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

Errata

I think that him having to pay full rent and utilities has really been a culture shock for him.

It may well prompt him to start making noises about the divorce financial Form E.

teawithmilk

I hope not. But He does seem to have his head completely buried in the sand. Even though he is now paying a lot more than he used to contribute to the house (and resentful of me for it) I dont think chasing me for money has crossed his mind thankfully. In many ways his life has not changed except for me not being around. As I am very easy going regarding seeing DD he can see her whenever he wants (within reason- ie not at 11pm on a school night!) He may be paying more but he has the house to himself, he is still in the same house, hasnt had to move any of his stuff, in fact me moving out has given him more space and he is back sleeping in a proper bed (my lovely comfy bed which I paid for- probably still have the receipt somewhere in my desk drawer at work as I am so messy and never throw anything away, at a well known swedish furniture store and never got chance to take with me when I did my flit!!) instead of a sofa bed! He seems to be turing the house gradually into more of a single man/bachelor pad- putting new pictures up on the wall, buying bits of furniture for himself so he obviously has intentions to move on with his life....he hasnt been crying at my door begging me to come back or anything.

As he hasnt consulted a solicitor yet I dont think (I hope) he hasnt even thought about form E. He was boasting the other day when I dropped DD off at his place that since the summer he has had a minor promotion, (he earns more than me anyway) and was even considering going for a more major job opportunity that had arisen where he works which would give him an even bigger wage. I just nodded politely, thinking, nice that he has offered some of that pay rise towards DD (NOT!) but hopefully that would be ammunition for me ...ie why should I on a lower wage need to support him AT ALL or be required to sell the house if he could cope financially...or am I just being naive?

Errata

or am I just being naive?

Have you discussed it with your solicitor - what do they advise?

teawithmilk

My solicitor says its my decision. She cant tell me exactly what to do. She said ideally I could talk to him about a clean break agreement but this might mean me coming clean about my savings and might raise his suspicions that I had money stashed away.

My husband has been selling loads of his expensive stuff on ebay and gumtree....cameras, some watches, some musical instruments, he must have raised thousands over the last few weeks so god knows what he is doing with the money- although he has been to a couple of european matches that have been going on so a bit of money must have gone on travel and tickests for those! But he says its "his" stuff which technically it is, although he bought a lot of it with his wages (instead of saving like me he bought luxuries for himself) when I was heavily subsidising the general living costs a year or so ago. If only he had not spent money and saved it like me and done things jointly like saving for a deposit then things might not have come to this.

My solicitors firm are also handling my conveyancing. So we are trying to delay exchange as long as possible leaving a short time between exchange and completion in case things go pearshaped, although I do still want to buy the house. Im transferring the deposit to them soon as poss so they have the funds ready to go. I did have a bit of a wobble the other day wondering if I was rushing into things buying a house before the divorce and financials were organised but there are so many reasons why I want to buy...to get settled before the winter, im getting older so getting a mortgage would be more difficult in 12 moinths, house prices are rising etc etc

Anyhow, the last advice (if you can call it that) I got from her was that child maintenance was a matter between him and me to arrange. She gave me lots of info about the CSA. But I was holding off oing that for the time being until DD was settled at school and we had got into a routine where he was seeing her on regular nights of the week. At the moment she is seeing a lot of him on an evening (and he is cooking her dinner) as his house is at the most convenient bus stop for her where she feel confident getting off and walking so she goes straight round to "his" house and has a snack then I pick her up at an agreed time e.g. six pm and she stays with me overnight and I drop her for the school bus in the morning. But as soon as my new house completes then we dont need him to do that....and DD would most probably prefer to come straight home to my/her place...and she will probably only stay with him one or two nights per week.

If I start talking to him about clean break agreements and CSA etc it will get him angry and he may start being really awkward.....so im trying to tread carefully until house is sorted.

Do you think im making a huge mistake??

LannieDuck

How long do you think it'll be before you complete and exchange on the house?

If it's not very long, then I agree the CSA can wait. If it'll be another 6 months, I think you should get your claim in. They can only backdate to the first time you contact them.

Errata

Do you think im making a huge mistake??

That may depend on whether your husband is stupid as well as fe ckless.

RAS

Completion is October. I would get that sorted before rocking the boat.

I would also get the rest of the rent money out of him if possible.

Rooibos

Hi TWM – This is my second time typing this – MSE timed out on me! I just want to say I have followed your thread closely as your life is so like mine two years ago. Happily I can say things have moved on and settled – so keep at it!

In August 2011, my son was 12, we left the family home to rent a flat while Ex stayed there. We differ in that it was owned and had been my home for twenty years.

Within 6 months, while renting, I bought a house, started again with a mortgage at 45 and divorced him.

You have money you are concerned about losing, I still have a share with my sister of a property which has been up for sale for three years. Ex believes he is entitled to a share. However when it does sell I will be paying it of my mortgage. We are divorced now. I am advised that in order for him to make a claim he will have to take me to court. He is unlikly to be successful as he did not seek legal advice at the time.

He didn’t have the expense of child related expenses (he didn’t pay maintenance until a year later), paying rent, conveyerncing fees, stamp duty or buying second hand furniture although is on a salary over twice mine.

Like your daughter my son used to spend quite a bit of time with his dad as he saw that house as “home”. That use to worry me sick, still does a bit, as Ex used say he was keeping our son while I had to relinquish all responsibility of him because the law is on my side as the mother. These days although son does spend time with dad it has dwindled, as he sees ours as “home” now and did so very quickly.

The Lundy Bancroft book “Angry & Controlling Men” is excellent at describing these men and how they behave towards you and children post divorce.

Anyway apologies for long post but I just want to tell you although you have a lot going on emotionally at the moment at least it gets it all over with then your new life can begin properly for you and your daughter. I’ve never been happier, calmer and more at peace! It is tight financially but now things have settled I’m no worse off than when I was married – at least I’m not having to pay toward his three bottles of wine a night!

teawithmilk

Thank you all. At lunchtime I have just done an electronic transfer of the deposit plus stamp duty plus conveyancing fees to my solicitor - a HUGE amount of money! (well for me anyway, more money that I have ever seen in one go) Very scarey. Im putting down a 25% deposit which is all the money I have in the world ( I have held back a little bit for my divorce costs plus buying a fridge freezer and washer and an emergency fund of £500) but thats it now- no more nest egg- my nest egg must be my house from now on.

Errata- I think my husband is stupid (sounds mean but true) he thinks he is very clever and can "talk the talk" and appears expert at some things but really he is clueless and worse he doesnt take advice from people (e.g. he hasnt consulted a solicitor yet to my knowledge) as he thinks he knows more than them!

RAS

Hi

Please go to www.freegle.org.uk or freecycle and try to get a fridge freezer and washer there - do you not have one at the old house.

You really do need a bit more of a safety net behind you even if that means using second hand gear for a few months.