Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

teawithmilk

Spent the weekend doing the garden at my (new) rented house- I love the smell of mown grass! The garden at the (old) house where he is still staying is now very very overgrown- I have noticed this the last couple of weeks when I dropped off DD- so I said absent mindedly to my friend at work this morning that I would have to pop home early while he was still at work and mow the grass at his place...her jaw dropped. She said "you are seriously considering going there to do HIS garden????" ...and that sums it up...I have gotten so used/conditioned to doing EVERYTHING! ...he never mowed the lawn or did any of the upkeep of the rented places we have been in, unless it was absolutely essential and even then I had to cajole him to do it....Just leaves me with a problem when I do give up the tenancy of house number 1 in September as the garden will be like a jungle so I might have to pay someone to do it iin the last week if I dont have time.

I have done something that is not very MSE. In the first week of the holidays he has booked a week's holiday cottage- I know he is doing this to spoil DD and she will have a lovely time. So I thought I'd also better have something to look forward to! So I have booked a premier inn later in the holidays for a week in Devon. Its way more expensive than going on a holiday park (my friend is going to save me the sun coupons the next time they do their cheap holidays) but I just wanted to have something to look forward to and plan for. And because its not "abroad" he can't have any funny objections to me taking her and I can drive there so it will be a fairly easy introduction to holidays on my own.......I can't wait! Its just going to eat into my savings a little bit. I was scared (irrationally) about booking my first holiday on my own as he has always done it, and boasted about what good deals he cann get online, implying that I would be rubbish at it. I may have not got the cheapest option but its a start of my "journey" into doing things completely on my own!

Just got to get the road atlas out now and start planning what to see.

I managed to get my appraisal done OK. I half considered phoning in sick on Friday as I was so scared about getting told off for not meeting my targets. But I have never pulled a sickie in my life so I just gritted my teeth and got on with it. In the end it was OK- I got a bit of a ticking off for one project that I should have started several weeks ago but I think I managed to persuade boss that I could get it back on track this month. Im now really pleasedI came in for it because I would have just been dreading it even more.....I wouldnt be able to get away with it as boss would not have forgotten to do it.

So feeling a bit more positive today...thanks everyone!

RAS

teawithmilk wrote: »

The garden at the (old) house where he is still staying is now very very overgrown- I have noticed this the last couple of weeks when I dropped off DD- so I said absent mindedly to my friend at work this morning that I would have to pop home early while he was still at work and mow the grass at his place...her jaw dropped. She said "you are seriously considering going there to do HIS garden????" ...and that sums it up...I have gotten so used/conditioned to doing EVERYTHING! ...he never mowed the lawn or did any of the upkeep of the rented places we have been in, unless it was absolutely essential and even then I had to cajole him to do it....Just leaves me with a problem when I do give up the tenancy of house number 1 in September as the garden will be like a jungle so I might have to pay someone to do it iin the last week if I dont have time.

It is your tenancy so I would think it sensible to go in during the week he is away and cut the grass so there is less to do when you hand over.

With respect to speaking to him; stop trying. You are just giving him the opportunity to wind you up. And for the future you need to have records of everything, so stick to texts.

teawithmilk

Yes I might have to mow the lawn while he is out..if i leave it two weeks until he is away with DD or even as long as September it will be way too long to cut easily with the rubbishy hovermower in the shed. Sickening, but might make my life easier come September.

paulineb_2

I think you seriously need to consider speaking to your landlord and seeing if theres any you can end the tenancy on your rented home earlier.

I wouldnt be cutting the grass to make his life easier, seriously, let him do it himself or let him pay to get someone in and I know the tenancy is in your name but why on earth are you still considering clearing up after his messes

I agree, stop speaking to the man, full stop. You dont even need to communicate by text. Arrange a time every week when your daughter gets dropped off and picked up again and that is it, barring emergencies

You have absolutely done the right thing by leaving him, but having spent years in a relationship thats been less than fulfilling, dont waste any more time on him, he is capable of cutting the grass himself, let him do that, if he doesnt explain to the landlord the situation you are in and I do think you should, if you can, give notice on the rented flat now, do it and get him to find somewhere else to live.

NAR

paulineb wrote: »

I agree, stop speaking to the man, full stop. You dont even need to communicate by text.

Sorry I disagree, the best way to an amicable divorce is through communication. I understand why you are saying what you do, but the last thing TWM needs is an acrimonious battle of a divorce, IMHO. So keeping lines of communication open, even though he is being an @rse, should lead to the best solution for TWM.

kelpie35

NAR wrote: »

Sorry I disagree, the best way to an amicable divorce is through communication. I understand why you are saying what you do, but the last thing TWM needs is an acrimonious battle of a divorce, IMHO. So keeping lines of communication open, even though he is being an @rse, should lead to the best solution for TWM.

I agree with this statement even though TWM is not getting a reply to her texts/email.

As long as you keep all texts/emails they can be used as evidence that you have tried to me amicable.

TWM you know what is best for you and DD and if cutting the grass makes you life easier then so be it.

carefullycautious

His not speaking is just another form of control. He knows it winds you up. The same with the grass, he is deliberately not doing anything as he knows it is you that will pick up the cost of this.

I'm surprised you cannot see what game he is playing. You must get off the tenancy or you are going to be in big trouble if he continues to neglect it.

paulineb_2

NAR wrote: »

Sorry I disagree, the best way to an amicable divorce is through communication. I understand why you are saying what you do, but the last thing TWM needs is an acrimonious battle of a divorce, IMHO. So keeping lines of communication open, even though he is being an @rse, should lead to the best solution for TWM.

None of us know that to be fair.

How the divorce will pan out. Shes trying to talk to him. Hes not interested. Its reasonable for any couple divorcing to discuss the matters of divorce through lawyers. She has one, he should get one

And if they have anything to discuss re the divorce it should be done through lawyers

As previously said, the only things they need to be communicating about at the moment are their daughter.

I dont see him responding in a pleasant way to anything shes said to him so far and she said earlier that his refusal to talk is upsetting her.

And thats where she needs to back off, for her sake, because he could go to a lawyer and say, even if its not true, shes coming around here and having a go at me

I think the lawyer should be advising her what the lines of communication should be, particularly as this man is manipulative and you have no idea how he might twist things.

Errata

kelpie35 wrote: »

I agree with this statement even though TWM is not getting a reply to her texts/email.

As long as you keep all texts/emails they can be used as evidence that you have tried to me amicable.

TWM you know what is best for you and DD and if cutting the grass makes you life easier then so be it.

I think all that ^ is fair comment. TWM is the tenant and it's her responsibility to ensure the gardens (and the house) are kept in good order, and that takes whatever it takes including telling her OH the date he has to move out - easily done by sending him a copy of her letter to the Letting Agent.

girlatplay

teawithmilk wrote: »

...I was scared (irrationally) about booking my first holiday on my own as he has always done it, and boasted about what good deals he cann get online, implying that I would be rubbish at it. I may have not got the cheapest option but its a start of my "journey" into doing things completely on my own!

:T Well done TWM

Ten years ago I struggled to take DD to the corner shop on my own, I had so little confidence. Three years ago I took her to Florida. Just her and me. I organised it all myself online (no travel agent) and paid for it without using credit. I saved a very long time for it. You will get used to doing things on your own. Your confidence will increase greatly as the weeks/months/years go on.

DD and I have an absolute ball when we go on holiday. It is such good fun. We fall out every now and then but overall, I can't think of anyone I would rather be on holiday with than my DD. Just wait until you see the great times you have coming