Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

NAR

TWM if he wants to play silly b*ggers and be childish then let him. The more you ignore it the quicker he will realise it doesn't annoy you.

Survey sounds promising and certainly go to housebuying forum for advice. As long as there is nothing that will affect your mortgage in the report it sounds promising. Minor problems can always be remedied and maybe passed back to the vendor to fix before purchase.

When DD is in her new permanent home things will feel different for her; just jolly her along for now.

You knew being a lone parent would bring its' share of problems, just go with the flow, you will in time get into a routine that suits your new lifestyle.

BIG HUGS, you are doing very well. :T

paulineb_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thanks, well another two days has passed and he is still not communicating with me (except by text message about DD) He is being a bit childish now- e.g. the other day I turned up to pick up DD and I was half an hour early as I had forgotten I had told him 8pm and not 7.30pm and he made me go away for half an hour and wait exactly until 8pm!

I asked if he wanted her to go round on Friday as usual and stay over and he texted back yes, and she should stay until teatime. So that means I wil have another Saturday on my own to ponder.

Survey has come back with a few minor points- its so long since I bought a house I dont know if they are worth trying to get money knocked off agreed purchase price or not, or getting vendor to sort them out. I will go over to housebuying forum and ask!

Just feeling exhausted all the time at the moment...DD keeps saying she wants to go home...meaning us move back in with her Dad.

Maybe I have rushed into buying this house too quickly, maybe I should've just seperated from him instead of going for full divorce but Im feeling like Ive got so into the process now that it would be stupid to draw it to a close.

I've realised how much i already do as a single parent- Im having to get DD ready for high school, parents evenings, thinkng about scool buses, uniform etc...all on my own... im not complaining but it is hard work when you are on your own and working full time. I just need to sit back and get more energy. Im trying to avoid doing unneccesary things and just concentrate on whats important at the moment.

I want to crawl under a stone for a few days!

You need to keep in mind just how bad things were when you have a wobble and wobbles happen.

And people can and do bring kids up as a single parent and work full time as well, my mum brought up two of us, it can be done.

You werent happy with your ex, if you hadnt been youd still be with him and dont let your daughters feelings change your mind, she will adapt in time.

Errata

There are some very experienced people who post on the homebuying forum, do take advantage of their collective knowledge.
I think it's quite normal for your DD to want to go back to the way things were, but do prepare yourself for the fallout when your OH becomes homeless, because in terms of him having your DD to visit or stay with him will take some fixing on his part.

paulineb_2

Errata wrote: »

There are some very experienced people who post on the homebuying forum, do take advantage of their collective knowledge.
I think it's quite normal for your DD to want to go back to the way things were, but do prepare yourself for the fallout when your OH becomes homeless, because in terms of him having your DD to visit or stay with him will take some fixing on his part.

All he needs to do is find somewhere else to live and he works full time, it shouldnt be such a difficult task.

Anyone with an ounce of sense if they knew a lease was coming to an end would be looking for somewhere else to live.

Errata

The problem the OH faces in finding new accommodation is that his credit record is shot and he's on a DMP.

girlatplay

TWM - I am a single parent and I have been for 10 years. I work full time (9-5 Mon-Fri). It is hard. However, it is definitely doable and very, very rewarding. I was a mess when I left my ex. I had nothing (unless you count a 2 year old, a cot, a microwave and two bags of clothes, 1 for me, one for said 2 year old). I had no money and debts were steadily rising.

Leaving was the best thing I ever did and there's no way I would have the wonderful life I have now if I hadn't. It was so hard but I definitely made the right decision. From reading your posts, it is my opinion that you have made the right decision also. The only thing that made it easier for me is that DD was too little to understand.

In your situation there is no giving up now. Power on, it is totally worth it. Just keep fighting (fighting for your great life, not fighting others!)

NAR

Well done Girlatplay :T This is the sort of successful practical experience stories that TWM needs to read.

teawithmilk

I know I shouldnt feel sorry for myself as I am in a much better position than a lot of people - at least I have a roof over my head at the moment, a job and some savings.

So Im going to treat Saturday on my own as a day to myself- tidy the house, declutter and have some me time.

Onwards and upwards!

girlatplay

You are in a far better position than a lot of people, however, that doesn't make it any easier for you emotionally. Emotions are an enormous part of who we are. No one can properly understand what you are going through unless they have been in the same or a similar situation. No one can understand why someone won't just walk away from an abusive relationship unless they have been in one.

I get why you are worried and wonder if you have done the right thing. I get why you think you might have rushed it and have thoughts about giving up and going back. That is the easy option though and you would never be happy. Things would never change. You have finally managed to summon all your courage and leave. That is the hardest bit. The good times are now on the horizon for you.

Get this house bought and move in. All your money will be your own. You won't have a grown up kid of a man to take a complete loan of you and control you. You and DD will have a good life and one day she will realise why you have had to make this decision. In the meantime, she is 10. Her brain capacity is not big enough nor mature enough to process it properly at the moment. I don't mean that she is immature, I just mean she is a child, not an adult. She can't be expected to understand what we understand.

I can see things from everyone else's point of view as I am an outsider looking in on your life but I have been on the inside (of my own life, obviously) and can see things from your point of view. I promise that it gets easier and life gets better. You are just in the worst bit right now. Don't give up at the hard bit or you won't feel the benefits of the great bits which are just around the corner!

[Deleted User]

Hiya

I was gaslighted by my parents and two now ex's (although this is the first time I heard the term).

I have made many mistakes but I hope you will be able to learn from what I have learned.

You have been in an abusive relationship.., you are doing brilliantly and are breaking free but its a difficult process. Contact the Domestic Abuse Helpline http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/ . They will give you contact details of your local Women's Aid and they will give you a suport worker. You DO need someone to talk to about this, how to deal with the manipulations of your ex, to help you understand your daughter's reactions. You are NOT a bad mother. Please stop bending over backwards feeling that you need to be 'good' or 'reasonable' to your ex. Seriously, he decided to continue behaving in a way that was making you and your daughter unhappy, that was nothing to do with you. You owe him absolutely nothing. You are not being unreasonable.

Your Ex has called you sneaky etc.., Women's Aid would call it making an escape plan.., and they'd support you doing so. Don't listen to your ex's connotations of what's happened, they are so clearly more manipulation and self serving.

Please please please take what you need from the house. Your ex earns enough money to buy what he needs if he chooses to do so. Your daughter would be a lot happier if she lived in a house with her things around her rather than the 'camping out' feel the new house still has. If you don't, as you have said, you risk him just getting rid of the stuff.

In reality, if he is not named on the tenancy agreement, he is just a lodger. Legally you can get rid of him at any time. He can't be a tenant because he chose to not alter his lifestyle and take responsibility for his debts (or even building them up). That was always his choice, not yours.., you don't owe him a home to live in. That's up to him to provide. Again, stop trying to be the 'good' person in this. You don't have to be. You just have to look after your daughter and yourself, not him. Personally I'd give him a month's notice and call the bailiffs when/if he doesn't act appropriately. A month is plenty of time to find somewhere else to live. I had years of trying to split up with my ex's, not throwing them out because they said they'd end up on the streets, feeling guilty and hating myself at the same time for the situation I was in. But guess what, when I did throw them out, NETIHER ended up on the streets. I'd wasted all that time living with the stuff they handed out and I didn't need to at all. Because I didn't want to be 'mean' or unreasonable. Just as you said, many promises of change were made that were forgotten within two days (could set your watch by it lol).

As has been said in this thread.., your daughter is split. She quite clearly said she didn't want the situation to continue when you were with your ex. But she does love him, warts and all, so is very very confused. She's camping out in the new house, listening to god knows what manipulations from your ex.., and she's only 10. Its so difficult for her to see the long term objective, she just doesn't have the ability. All she sees is Daddy upset. So she's very confused. But you are her parent.., you know why you have done this (for good reason). You will look back on this in a few years time and will know how much things have improved for you both. They will, I promise you (take it from one whose been there). Just keep on the way you are. Don't go back to him (take it from one who's done it).., nothing will have changed, in fact it could get worse.., you know what you will be going back to. Just stay with it. Its worth it.

You are doing so much better than I did.., but please contact the above helpline. They will help - in a way your solicitor can't and you are paying massive amounts for.