Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

teawithmilk

I'm getting a proper brand new double bed delivered tomorrow, thank goodness. We might still have to share for a few days but at least we wont be on a futon- its bee ok fr the last 8 nights but not mega comfortable. And the first chance I get next week I wil go over and get her nice mattress from her room at the old house. Ive gont a big/long car so it should fit in. Its a foam not sprung mattress so it will squish in.

The house is looking more homely but Im loath to buy too much for it as hopefully we will be moving to our own house later in the summer if it all goes ahead.

I have given her some blu tack and a big ream of paper so she is busy designing posters for her room. We have one of the pets here so she has something to cuddle and she goes and visits the other one every day on her way to school (once Im sure her Dad has left for work we go feed it and say hello) I should have a man with a van organised for next Friday to bring it over here permanently.

pukkamum

Twm the defiance from dd may well be her testing you, seeing what she can get away with without dad around.
She wants to feel safe and secure in this new situation and by being defiant she may be subconsciously checking that you are strong enough to keep her safe, don't be tempted to let things slide because you worry she'll tell dad or she out of guilt on your side for the split.
She needs to know that the only thing to have changed is where she lives and her mum and dads relationship for her all relationships stay the same.
With regards to her dad saying negative things, just explain to her that when 2 people fall out of love sometimes they say nasty things because they are hurting, and she doesn't need to feel bad about it and she doesn't need to be in the middle.
Children in a relationship that has broken down often end up being racked with guilt, guilt because one parent is upset or saying bad things about the other, guilt if they have a nice time with the absent parent in case it upsets the resident parent it really is a minefield for them, have patience but don't feel bad for losing it every so often, we all do and this is a very stressful time for you all.

tayforth

Massive ((((hugs))) to you and your DD, you both need them.

I don't know exactly how she's feeling, but I think that a lot of the comments above make sense. She is likely feeling scared, confused, guilty, unsettled and lots of other things. And she does seem to be testing her boundaries. But that's normal. Try not to beat yourself up over it.

You are doing incredibly well. Please believe that. You're setting her a great example by leaving an unhappy marriage, and that will stand her in good stead for life. You're doing your best to create a happy, safe, secure home for her.

I agree with those who say that you should explain things to her in a way that she can understand. Don't criticise your ex, make it clear that you both still love her and that her welfare is paramount. Reassure her that living apart will make all of you happier in the long run. Encourage her to ask questions if she wants to, and answer them as honestly as you can... tricky to do while protecting her as well, I know! But it will make her feel that she can trust you and that you trust her.

A nice girly weekend will do you both the world of good. Has your new bed arrived yet? Could you plan a sleepover soon, so that she has something to look forward to?

Above all, remember: things will get better. Your DD will be happier now that she's got one of her pets (and the other coming soon), her mattress is coming, she's allowed to draw posters for her room... Rome wasn't built in a day! All these little things will help and, day by day, your lives will improve and settle down.

I know that you don't want to buy too much while you're still in the rental place, but perhaps you could go to Dunelm Mill or IKEA and let her choose a few inexpensive things for her room?

Have you been on Wikivorce yet? It really is incredibly helpful.

tayforth

How are things today, teawithmilk? xxx

teawithmilk

Thanks tayforth, just typed a long reply and it disapeared into nowhere- hate it when that happens!

DD went to stay as the old house with her Dad on Saturday- she didnt want to go but I jollied her along and I think she had an OK time. He seems to be making more of an effort with her now she isnt living at the house.

I got my bed, and it is cheap quality but with a mattress topper its way more comfortable than the futon we were using!

Its DDs birthday tomorrow which will be awkward to manage. She is going round afterschool to see her Dad (I havent a clue if he has got her a present)

He is now communicating with me (sort of) by text. He is still saying to DD that I have been devious and sneaky.

He texted me to ask what the address of my new house was and said that he was annoyed I hadnt told him the address- I texted back that he hadnt actually asked me for it...but I will e-mail it to him today. He does need to know where we are in case of emergencies etc.

Later on he texted me to say that DD wants to go out on Saturday and go to her favourite Italian restaurant...she never mentioned this to me. Im uneasy about going out all together with her Dad at such an early stage in splitting from him- we are not exactly going to play happy families are we? what if he starts having a go at me over the table...he doesnt seem aware that what he says upsets DD. DD is still getting occasionally upset and saying she wants to go "home" and I dont want her to think that some night out means that we are all going to be living under the same roof again as we were before.

Ive organised a couple of things for her birthday- she wanted to go out to cinema with two of her friends on Saturday and also has nagged me into allowing one of her best friends to come round for a sleepover on Friday night- we dont even have anything for her to sleep on!! But Im sure I can get it organised before Friday.

paulineb_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thanks tayforth, just typed a long reply and it disapeared into nowhere- hate it when that happens!

DD went to stay as the old house with her Dad on Saturday- she didnt want to go but I jollied her along and I think she had an OK time. He seems to be making more of an effort with her now she isnt living at the house.

I got my bed, and it is cheap quality but with a mattress topper its way more comfortable than the futon we were using!

Its DDs birthday tomorrow which will be awkward to manage. She is going round afterschool to see her Dad (I havent a clue if he has got her a present)

He is now communicating with me (sort of) by text. He is still saying to DD that I have been devious and sneaky.

He texted me to ask what the address of my new house was and said that he was annoyed I hadnt told him the address- I texted back that he hadnt actually asked me for it...but I will e-mail it to him today. He does need to know where we are in case of emergencies etc.

Later on he texted me to say that DD wants to go out on Saturday and go to her favourite Italian restaurant...she never mentioned this to me. Im uneasy about going out all together with her Dad at such an early stage in splitting from him- we are not exactly going to play happy families are we? what if he starts having a go at me over the table...he doesnt seem aware that what he says upsets DD. DD is still getting occasionally upset and saying she wants to go "home" and I dont want her to think that some night out means that we are all going to be living under the same roof again as we were before.

Ive organised a couple of things for her birthday- she wanted to go out to cinema with two of her friends on Saturday and also has nagged me into allowing one of her best friends to come round for a sleepover on Friday night- we dont even have anything for her to sleep on!! But Im sure I can get it organised before Friday.

Id urge you to think carefully about giving him your new address. I also think you need to think very carefully about whether you want to have a meal with this man at the weekend.

Its very possible hes come up with the idea of going out in a group and you have no idea how he'll behave. If he wants to take her there, he can take her on her own.

Also, if you have a lawyer, I would certainly make reference to the comments hes making to your child about you being devious and sneaky, it needs to stop.

Errata

He is now communicating with me (sort of) by text. He is still saying to DD that I have been devious and sneaky.

Do you think he now knows about the £30k+ you have which you don't want him to know anything about?

teawithmilk

I have e mailled him my address this morning. I feel He does have a right to know where DD is and also he can't now claim that I am being underhand.

As for the meal...well I dont know where is is coming from with that one. Its hardly going to be a happy family occasion. I think I will just ignore his text and pretend I didnt get it rather than replying. DD will have a fun time on Saturday anyway during the day and might be too tired to go out for a meal on Sat evening anyway. If she wants to go to her dads, or if her Dad wants to take her out thats fine, but I dont want to go along.

Im not sure if he knows about my savings. I did leave a piece of paper lying around a month or so ago which made reference to savings but im hoping he has forgotten about that.

paulineb_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

I have e mailled him my address this morning. I feel He does have a right to know where DD is and also he can't now claim that I am being underhand.

As for the meal...well I dont know where is is coming from with that one. Its hardly going to be a happy family occasion. I think I will just ignore his text and pretend I didnt get it rather than replying. DD will have a fun time on Saturday anyway during the day and might be too tired to go out for a meal on Sat evening anyway. If she wants to go to her dads, or if her Dad wants to take her out thats fine, but I dont want to go along.

Im not sure if he knows about my savings. I did leave a piece of paper lying around a month or so ago which made reference to savings but im hoping he has forgotten about that.

Your lawyer is the best person to advise you what would happen to your savings in the event of divorce.

Also, I understand where you are coming from re ignoring the text, but do you want to spend your entire life having to ignore things he wants your daughter to do when you dont think its a good idea, you have every right to text him back and say thats fine but I dont want to be there.

Errata

teawithmilk wrote: »

Im not sure if he knows about my savings. I did leave a piece of paper lying around a month or so ago which made reference to savings but im hoping he has forgotten about that.

Does your solicitor know about this? It may substantilly effect the advice they're giving you. You will be required to make a full financial disclosure as part of your divorce proceedings, as will he.