Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

Errata

You have a very unhappy little girl. She shoud be your priority, not work. Would it have been the end of the world if you'd been 15 minutes late for work? Of course it wouldn't, but if you put the needs of the job before her needs you should have a good hard think about all the pushing and shoving that's going on.
I realise this may seem harsh, but you are responsible for protecting your daughter from abuse not subjecting her to it.

teawithmilk

Yes I do realise that and now I feel awful.

Errata

teawithmilk wrote: »

Yes I do realise that and now I feel awful.

And how do you think your daughter feels? She's lost her home, she's lost living with a mum and dad, she can't have her pets with her, she's living in a strange house like a gypsy, and now she's being shoved and pushed around.
Don't be surprised if she tells her dad how you've behaved.

paulineb_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

Yes I do realise that and now I feel awful.

Im afraid to say that ex partners speaking ill of the person who has left isnt uncommon. My mum has a friend who left her ex partner and the 3 year old is constantly told that mummy is bad and was also recently told that mummy was trying to get daddy sent to jail, because he was found guilty of a breach of the peace that he caused.

There arent any easy answers to this one, except to say that it might be a good idea to try and sort out a formal access agreement, even if that means seeing a lawyer where you can actually discuss whats going on, because Im afraid in my view, trying to blacken the other parties name, when kids are involved is a form of child abuse.

However, you losing your temper isnt going to help either. She may well tell her dad and even if hes been in the wrong, badly, he could try and use that against you.

If you are stressed and you must be really stressed at the moment, please consider seeing your GP.

RAS

You might also point out to your daughter regarding the "sneeky" that someone small went through your paperwork recently (and found the divorce papers).

paulineb_2

RAS wrote: »

You might also point out to your daughter regarding the "sneeky" that someone small went through your paperwork recently (and found the divorce papers).

I wouldnt, thats just getting into tit for tat and you risk upsetting the child further, she shouldnt be stuck in the middle of he said and she said.

LannieDuck

I think you should have a chat with DD adult-to-adult this evening. Tell her how unhappy you and her dad both were (taking care not to paint him in a bad light), and that you're going to be much happier living apart than you were together.

Apologise for what happened this morning, and explain how much pressure you're under, but acknowledge that it doesn't make it right.

See if you can laugh about the lunchbox incident. Explain that she still has her privacy, but you assumed she wanted lunch so you had to get her box! Perhaps she'd like to be responsible for putting her box in the kitchen every evening if she'd prefer you not go into her bag?

Ask her what she would like to do to make things better (although you'll have to carefully decline the inevitable suggestion that you move back in with OH...), e.g. decorating her room, getting her pets back...

DD is probably feeling quite out of control of her life at the moment, and I think it would help to involve her a bit more in some areas (whilst keeping her protected from the divorce aspects if you can). I think it would help if she felt a bit less out of control.

girlatplay

It is going to be difficult for a while. This is a new situation for her. You have fallen out of love with her dad but she still loves him. She is going to test the boundaries of your and her relationship.

It is incredibly frustrating when children are being defiant like that (my DD is the world's worst, seriously!) but take a deep breath and then chivvy her along with a smile and a happy sounding voice. When my DD was about 5 or 6 they sang a song at the school which had the line "We all need encouragement". She used to practice singing it at home. It was so cute. When I am getting frustrated I try to remember that. Encouragement.

I think, from what you have said, that your soon to be ex is going to badmouth you for a while. It's not a nice thing to happen. But really you have to try to explain things to DD as and when they happen. Did you tell her in a calm voice that you were only retrieving her lunch box, etc? Or did you immediately start firing questions at her about what her dad said?

My ex used to keep his phone and emails secret from me. Turned out he was having an affair (I found out 2.5 years later - I had no clue).

It is hard but you are doing so well. Keep it up, it will take time but it will get easier. You won't fall apart. You can and will make this work.

P.S. I am not a perfect parent, sometimes I shout at my DD

Treevo

paulineb wrote: »

I wouldnt, thats just getting into tit for tat and you risk upsetting the child further, she shouldnt be stuck in the middle of he said and she said.

That wouldn't be the case at all.

paulineb_2

Treevo wrote: »

That wouldn't be the case at all.

How do you know. Her dad says something to the daughter about her mum and then her mum retaliates saying something about the dad and people think thats ok?

I certainly dont. Even if the comments are true, then the daughter goes back to the dad and says, mum told me you were sneaking around and found the divorce papers.

And so on. Shes ten years old, she doesnt need to be involved in hearing the parents slate one another, even if this man deserves it sometimes you need to be the bigger person and not retaliate when someone is looking for a reaction.

And its clearly obvious that the child is already upset without anyone making it worse.