Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

pukkamum

NAR wrote: »

I think is completely OTT and not what anybody intended, I'm sure, I certainly didn't. OP reported remarks that her OH had expressed in relation to their daughter and people are trying to put Teawithmilk on her guard, pure and simple.

Whether intended or not some of these posts are scary and inflammatory and none of us know if he is capable of such so should not be putting the ideas into her head, I'm pretty sure her solicitor will give her the info she needs if she expresses worries on this front, divorced fathers kidnapping or worse their children are actually very few and far between and to put the ideas in her head in my opinion is wrong.

teawithmilk

Thanks. I had a good think about this all last night. I am very worried about it now. I dont think he would run off to Scotland (or indeed anywhere else) because he just isnt that sort of person....he is not passionate or emotional and I really believe (hope) that it would all just be too much effort for him.

However I will bear it in mind and be aware of it. I e-mailled my solicitor today (I think she is sick of hearing from me) and got the usual reply back...."ker-ching"- around £80 more spent and more money in the solicitors pockets!

He is now fully aware that I am not coming back. And as soon as he gets the divorce papers he will hate me. Thats the way he works if you cross him then he never ever tries to see your side or forgive.

I admit I was a bit of a coward when I said I was away for a few days last week. I was so scared that I was actually doing it, making a break, getting away from this controlling situation I Had been in for twenty years. The week before when I told him how I was feeling, asked him, and almost begged him to communicate with me, and finally that I was going to see a solicitor and get a divorce he just snapped at me "fine- do what you want then" so he cannot say that I have not told him what Im doing. Plus the fact that he has been sleeping on the sofa for so long, the umpteen times I have asked him to move out and he has said he is going to look for somewhere and then not. If that doesnt tell him that our relationship is over then the only thing that will genuinely make him believe that I'm serious is getting the divorce papers.

I did tell him on Saturday when I was round picking up DD that it was final and that I wasnt coming back.

I havent had time to organise moving out furniture, but I will over the next week. I dont really want anything apart from a chair or two and DDs stuff. And the pets. But I cant exactly stick all that in the back of my car!

Its hard because I am working full time at the moment....and can't really take any tme off due to ongoing projects, the earliest day off I can have is a week on Friday.

tattycath

Hi TWM. Just a thought...have you had your post redirected through Royal Mail so it goes to your new address? You probably have but I know the you're on a bit of a roller coaster at the moment so just thought I'd mention it.

Filey

I don't think any of us is trying to be inflammatory and scary. Speaking for myself, and probably some other people too, I would prefer to be prepared for all contingencies rather than be broadsided by something totally unexpected.

From what TWM has told us of her soon-to-be ex, it is very unlikely he does have any schemes to remove DD from her mother's care. All we/I am trying to do is to point out possibilities. Not probabilities.

The risk is low. But remember the motto "Be prepared".

Just in case.

teawithmilk

Thanks- another night gone without any contact from him. Its been 8 nights now that I have been away from the other house and him. DD was getting a bit upset last night- at around 9am she started crying and said "I want to go home" and I felt like crying with her because a part of me does want to go "home" but what would be the point? Its just gone too far and even if I did go back, I would have to apologise to him, behave the way he wanted me to behave - be this "wife" to him (whatever that means) The fact that he hasnt even been in touch, hasnt been upset or wanting to talk just tells me that he isnt prepared to fight for or put any of his energy into any sort of relationship with me- he must hate me now, which is fair enough. I dont think I have done anything evil to him, just leave a relationship that has gone wrong and gone on for too long.

Its just not possible and Im glad its not possible because I am too soft a person and I would just cave in and have to bite my tongue and go back to the way we were meanwhile just being eaten away inside with resentment at myself for doing it. Wow, I have been doing a lot of thinking!

Im glad I know about all possibilities (e.g. residency) now.

I keep popping in the old house to check for mail- when I know he will definately be out. I went in this morning and it looked so sad- kitchen is tidy, but sink full of washing up, living room is a mess and the house looks bare without some of my stuff in it. Im already feeling like an intruder in what was my own house.

This sounds ridiculous but I feel really sorry for him now. Dont know why. In the past I would have been gathering stuff up, tidying, popping his washing in the machine, generally pottering around and making the place look homely...maybe he doesnt care about it being homely....Please tell me to stop feeling this way....feeling bad and guilty and sorry for him.

thorsoak

Come on now, TWM .....don't buckle under now! Just imagine what it would be like if you were to return now, tail between your legs - he'd love it! And he would be lording it over you and DD for evermore.

Of course DD is weepy and wanting to go home - its what she has been used to and as you yourself say, you are sort of "camping out". Once you involve her in making it into her new home you will be half way there. And she will be missing her dad - however bad a husband he was, he was still her dad, and would do things with her, and as she goes to bed, she will be thinking about all of this.

I have a friend, whose daughter was 9 when she and her husband broke up, husband remarried and had a baby, and K's daughter still wanted to go back to them all living together ...complete with other wife and baby!

Stop feeling sorry for him - he could wash up and make it his own space if he wanted to - he's a grown man and is perfectly capable of making himself comfortable!

{{hugs}} - lecture over!

teawithmilk

Actually just gone and had a coffe and a long think. I need to stop assuming that he is feeling the same as me, that the same things that upset me will be upsetting him, and assuming that things are falling apart with him. Maybe he is enjoying me not being around and is enjoying chilling out, having the place look messy and not caring about the washing up. Perhaps he is having a whale of a time doing internet dating and staying up late drinking! so perhaps I shouldnt be feeling sorry for him at all.


As he is not speaking to me I will never know!

paulineb_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thanks- another night gone without any contact from him. Its been 8 nights now that I have been away from the other house and him. DD was getting a bit upset last night- at around 9am she started crying and said "I want to go home" and I felt like crying with her because a part of me does want to go "home" but what would be the point? Its just gone too far and even if I did go back, I would have to apologise to him, behave the way he wanted me to behave - be this "wife" to him (whatever that means) The fact that he hasnt even been in touch, hasnt been upset or wanting to talk just tells me that he isnt prepared to fight for or put any of his energy into any sort of relationship with me- he must hate me now, which is fair enough. I dont think I have done anything evil to him, just leave a relationship that has gone wrong and gone on for too long.

Its just not possible and Im glad its not possible because I am too soft a person and I would just cave in and have to bite my tongue and go back to the way we were meanwhile just being eaten away inside with resentment at myself for doing it. Wow, I have been doing a lot of thinking!

Im glad I know about all possibilities (e.g. residency) now.

I keep popping in the old house to check for mail- when I know he will definately be out. I went in this morning and it looked so sad- kitchen is tidy, but sink full of washing up, living room is a mess and the house looks bare without some of my stuff in it. Im already feeling like an intruder in what was my own house.

This sounds ridiculous but I feel really sorry for him now. Dont know why. In the past I would have been gathering stuff up, tidying, popping his washing in the machine, generally pottering around and making the place look homely...maybe he doesnt care about it being homely....Please tell me to stop feeling this way....feeling bad and guilty and sorry for him.

Tell you something, 5 minutes of being back in that house and you wouldnt be feeling sorry for him.

Hes not used to doing housework, you always did it, thats why the house is such a mess.

If he needs help to sort out cleaning, he can hire a cleaner a couple of hours a week.

Why dont you read this thread from beginning to end and remind yourself why you wanted out in the first place.

NAR

teawithmilk wrote: »

Actually just gone and had a coffee and a long think. I need to stop assuming that he is feeling the same as me, that the same things that upset me will be upsetting him, and assuming that things are falling apart with him. Maybe he is enjoying me not being around and is enjoying chilling out, having the place look messy and not caring about the washing up. Perhaps he is having a whale of a time doing internet dating and staying up late drinking! so perhaps I shouldnt be feeling sorry for him at all.

As he is not speaking to me I will never know!

That's the spirit! Do you really think he is worried about how you and DD are feeling? You gave him numerous opportunities to change his ways for the better and he refused. You deserve better out of life and you know it. You will have many teary nights with DD over the coming months, but see in a year or two things will be so different, in a good way.

teawithmilk

Thank you- just had a bit of a wobble today. I fell out with DD last night as she was trying to stick some pictures to the wall swith sticky tape (landlord had them newly painted before we moved in) and I just caught her and screamed NOOOOOOOOO so she ripped them down, and tried to explain to her its just rented house and very temporary ...poor wee thing she was just trying to make her room look a bit nicer. I totally overreacted, even though it is important to keep the paintwork pristine. Just was a bit stressed last night. I will bring her hhome some blu tack tonight and we will draw some pictures to stick up.

A couple of positive things:

I have a proper bed on order and as I am taking a day off next Friday (week tomorrow) I will get it delivered then. Its just a rubbish cheap divan but at least it will tide me over and we wont have to sleep on the futon which isnt the best for comfort. Her single mattress from old house will fit in my car with a squeeze so I will pick that up as soon as I can. I love sleeping next to DD though its so comforting hearing her little snuffles and snores. I will miss having her snuggled up to me.

I have organised a man with a van to get the pets and also a large armchair from the other house...husband might go mad that I am taking the chair as it is debatable who "paid" for it (we bought it years ago) but I have nothing to sit on at the moment so I need something. DD has a beanbag at least.

Its DDs birthday next week so that could be a difficult time. Havent thought how best to handle that one yet. I had arranged a trip out to cinema and pizza for her but both girls she invited have let her down/given backword so thats going to be awkward tonight when I tell her.