Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

paulineb_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thank you- just had a bit of a wobble today. I fell out with DD last night as she was trying to stick some pictures to the wall swith sticky tape (landlord had them newly painted before we moved in) and I just caught her and screamed NOOOOOOOOO so she ripped them down, and tried to explain to her its just rented house and very temporary ...poor wee thing she was just trying to make her room look a bit nicer. I totally overreacted, even though it is important to keep the paintwork pristine. Just was a bit stressed last night. I will bring her hhome some blu tack tonight and we will draw some pictures to stick up.

A couple of positive things:

I have a proper bed on order and as I am taking a day off next Friday (week tomorrow) I will get it delivered then. Its just a rubbish cheap divan but at least it will tide me over and we wont have to sleep on the futon which isnt the best for comfort. Her single mattress from old house will fit in my car with a squeeze so I will pick that up as soon as I can. I love sleeping next to DD though its so comforting hearing her little snuffles and snores. I will miss having her snuggled up to me.

I have organised a man with a van to get the pets and also a large armchair from the other house...husband might go mad that I am taking the chair as it is debatable who "paid" for it (we bought it years ago) but I have nothing to sit on at the moment so I need something. DD has a beanbag at least.

Its DDs birthday next week so that could be a difficult time. Havent thought how best to handle that one yet. I had arranged a trip out to cinema and pizza for her but both girls she invited have let her down/given backword so thats going to be awkward tonight when I tell her.

Be careful with blu tack, in my experience of sticking up posters as a teen, blu tack can leave holes in a wall when it comes off, it can also take paint off. You might have been better with sellotape.

Or can you get a pinboard that you can hang up and she can stick all her posters on the pinboard?

Im sure she'll be happy doing pizza and the cinema with you.

smartpicture

You need to be prepared that at any moment he could change the locks and you won't be able to 'pop in' whenever you feel like it. You must forward your post now if you haven't done so as it takes a while to take effect and you don't want him having access to your post. And think now if there's anything that would be a problem if you couldn't get in any more from tonight - and if there is, remove it now, while you still can.

In all fairness, if he had left you, you probably wouldn't like it if he kept 'popping in' and removing things either.

Treevo

smartpicture wrote: »

You need to be prepared that at any moment he could change the locks and you won't be able to 'pop in' whenever you feel like it. You must forward your post now if you haven't done so as it takes a while to take effect and you don't want him having access to your post. And think now if there's anything that would be a problem if you couldn't get in any more from tonight - and if there is, remove it now, while you still can.

In all fairness, if he had left you, you probably wouldn't like it if he kept 'popping in' and removing things either.

Actually he couldn't. He's not a named tenant. There's nothing stopping the OP from changing the locks, removing her belongings and having him arrested for squatting.

teawithmilk

I dont know if he cares whether I "pop" in or not- he isnt speaking to me apart from the odd e-mail or text about DD...oh and to ask my why I keep changing my paypal password (he doesnt have his own paypal account)

Its still "my" house as I am the named tenant and I wouldnt dream of touching his stuff or taking away anything of his. I would be responsible for letting anyone in if maintenance was required anyway or in case of emergencies- in fact I had a call today from letting agency for house that husband is at about some work that they need to do to the guttering but fortunately they dont need access INTO the house.

LannieDuck

Could you change the day of DD's birthday 'do', so her friends can make it? Also, you could potentially invite your OH to the 'do' too for DD's sake, as long as it's at the cinema/restaurant. But that depends a bit on how you're feeling at the time...

Re feeling bad about how he's living - he's perfectly capable of doing his own washing up and picking up after himself. He should have been doing it while you were living together, and he damn well should be doing it now. Afterall, you don't see him offering to come over and do your washing up, do you? Don't feel bad that his is left undone - it's his to worry about.

Treevo

teawithmilk wrote: »

I dont know if he cares whether I "pop" in or not- he isnt speaking to me apart from the odd e-mail or text about DD...oh and to ask my why I keep changing my paypal password (he doesnt have his own paypal account)

Its still "my" house as I am the named tenant and I wouldnt dream of touching his stuff or taking away anything of his. I would be responsible for letting anyone in if maintenance was required anyway or in case of emergencies- in fact I had a call today from letting agency for house that husband is at about some work that they need to do to the guttering but fortunately they dont need access INTO the house.

Have you told the landlord that you're no longer living in the house? It may negatively affect their insurances.

tayforth

Hello TWM, I've just caught up on your thread after a few days, you are doing so so well. I have nothing but admiration for you. You're conducting yourself with grace and dignity. It's not easy, I know, but it is so worth it.

Don't be tempted to feel sorry for him at all. He has been a nasty bully and you're well rid of him. Financially, things will get easier.

For legal advice without incurring large bills, try Wikivorce first - you may get the answers to some of your questions, or at least some pointers to help you focus your questions to the solicitor.

Good idea from girlatplay - get DD involved in food preparation, she's a good age to be learning and you can tell her what a great help she is. I always loved helping my mum with cooking and baking as a child.

Also, do get your post redirected, it's not expensive and you don't want to risk him opening or destroying any of your post!

Get your eBay password changed, or as someone suggested, close your account and open a new one. He could bid on any number of expensive items and you'd be liable!

Re the pictures on the walls - don't worry too much. Either sellotape or Blu-tack (sp?) may damage them, but it won't cost that much to put right xxx

teawithmilk wrote: »

well just picked DD up, she was just sitting watching telly and when I asked if she wanted to stay longer she shook her head and looked at me in panic as if I was going to force her to stay. He didnt say anything to me when I left. In the car DD started crying and said that her Dad hadnt really said anything to her all the time she was there and that she wanted us to just go back and be a normal family. I said that wasnt possible and that she knew fine well that Daddy would behave himself for a week or so then go back to his old ways. . .then she said yes i know, but if Daddy starts again we can just say we are leaving again and he will be nice again. This is such a mess. Im not having my beautiful girl being upset by this. So im going to wait until he requests that I bring her round. . .he cant say that I havent Tried to maintain contact. . . .

Oh ((((((hugs)))))) to you both xxx

teawithmilk wrote: »

This sounds really awful and disloyal but husband has no friends, we certainly dont have any joint friends. I moved back to this area to be nearer to my family (its my hometown) as I felt incredibly isloated in the last place we were. I think Im quite a friendly person, and certainly have no problem making friends at work (in fact all the people at my work have been amazing this week, asking if Im OK etc, offering help, as I have had to come clean that I've split up with him)

But we have moved round quite a bit and I havent had chance to put down roots and make lasting friends. It doesnt seem to bother husband, up until now he seemed happy just to have me and DD to talk/rant to. He doesnt even really keep in touch with his own family unless they call him. So I dont think anyone will be coming to me and passing on comments or quoting his side of the story, thank goodness.

The only time I missed him being round was last night when DD was constantly nattering for food and I was trying to do 3 jobsa at once and just wished for another adult to keep her occupied while I cooked her some food. But other than that I think we have had quite good fun in this little house, I havent had to do my usual chores of tidying up after him, we can eat whenever we want (DD and I have similar eating patterns) and do whatever we want. Even DD said last night "Guess what-We can do whatever we want at the weekend" as if it just dawned on her that we wouldnt have to wait for him to wake up mid morning on Saturday as usual and then wait for HIM to decide what sort of mood he was in before we planned what to do.

You see? She may have moments when she cries and asks you to go back, but overall shell be happier away from him as well.

You're doing great, keep your chin up xxxx

stripey1969

I think when you're feeling bad/guilty, just ask whether he was happy when you were living with him. It seems pretty clear that he wasn't happy/content either, so why it may temporarily cheer him up to have you back, it wouldn't be long till you were back in the same place.

I can understand DD getting sad sometimes, but it's really for the best that she doesn't get the idea that the relationship you and your OH had was the template she should be following when she grows up. You want her to think that women deserve to find a man that supports them, loves them to bits and wants them to be happy and fulfilled.

You done such a scary thing, and it must be unsettling to not have much security at the moment, but trust me, it won't be long before you'll be feeling so proud of yourself for having the guts to take action and know with 100% surety that you've done the right thing. You're a very brave person, and you deserve to be happy!

RAS

thorsoak wrote: »

I have a friend, whose daughter was 9 when she and her husband broke up, husband remarried and had a baby, and K's daughter still wanted to go back to them all living together ...complete with other wife and baby!

twm

Based on my personal experience, children usually have fantasies about their family getting back to together and everything being rosy. There is quite a lot of research on it; even after both parents have re-married and have second families.

Personally this was despite the fact that I was terrified of my father and had full blown panic attacks if it was suggested that he might be present anywhere. Massive disconnect but humans can do that.

You do need to get stuff to make your camp site more homely for DD.

teawithmilk

Thanks, but I dont feel brave at all. Im starting to fall apart.

Had a massive row with DD this morning as she was faffing about and refusing to brush her teeth (she should know she wont get away with not doing it!) and I had already told her I needed to be organised this morning because I had to be in work at nine on the dot this morning for an imp meeting.

She was being really defiant and I ended up physically pushing/shoving her towards the bathroom and really shouting at her....then I just realised what I had done and felt awful, I immediately apologised to her but I'm worried I am at the end of my tether with stress and might end up really losing my temper with her, its not her fault this has all happened.

Big reorganisations going on at work and at least 5 people have to be made redundant- hoping that some of the folk near retirement might take voluntary redundancy (a couple have already said they are keen to go on redundancy) but it is still a worrying time and it also means that more work will get loaded onto those of us who remain. But it means that I can't take any time off and god forbid go off sick as I can't be seen to be a "slacker" in any way.

I was quite proud of myself last night as he sent me a text message about her going round at the weekend and I just ignorded it- in previous times I would have immediately been in a panic and felt obliged to answer it but I just thought, he is being awkward so stuff him it can wait until tomorrow! Thats quite a big bit of progress for me in being assertive with him!

He then sent an e mail later on, which I did respond to as he was asking if she could go round tonight. I have plans for later on (going to see a relative) so I said she could go round after school but I would have to pick her up at 5. It feels good that I am calling the shots for once.

I responded to the email as he had included dates when he wanted to take her on holiday (start of school hols) thats fine, as long as I know and I can make my own plans around that.

Not heard anything more from solicitor apart from another bill!

DD also had a go at me this morning as I had to go inn her school bag to get her lunchbox whihc she hadnt bothered giving me last night, and also water bottle to refill. She snatched it off me and said "Daddy was right, you are really nosey" I asked her exactly what he hd said and she said he had told her he tought I was really nosey, going through his stuff all the time and poking through stuff. That just shows how secretive he is about everything. He wont ever let me touch his phone and keeps his computer all password protected. If I ever had to use his computer for some reason he would hover around behind me making sure I wasnt looking at any of his e mails etc.

I never did poke round his stuff, but on the odd occasion (and it was very rare) I did move a letter of his if it was lying around or god forbid look at it, he would go ballistic.

Just wrong that he is saying that sort of stuff to DD. Which makes her then think its OK for her to have a go at me for going in her school bag to retrieve a lunchbox.