Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

NAR

teawithmilk wrote: »

I did tell him last week that I was speaking to a solicitor so if he has any sense that shouldn't come as a shock to him.
I will, however, email him tomorrow to tell him to expect correspondence . . .do you think I should tell him all the details.

I would tell him to expect the divorce petition and say that the grounds are unreasonable behaviour. Tell him you understand that he may not agree with all the content but that if he tries to challenge it that it will cost him a great deal of money and that it would be more sensible to just accept that your marriage is over and sign the petition. Tell him you are trying to be civil about it and hope that he will be the same.

I think that is sufficient. Your DD is torn at this stage, big change for her is bound to be upsetting (especially on Father's Day.) and I think you are handling things very sensibly. Try and explain what unreasonable behaviour means in your family situation, so she realises what is happening and why.

CH27

teawithmilk wrote: »

She is always nosey! I cant keep anything secret from her. . .I keep forgetting what a good reader she is.

Have you had a chat with her?

teawithmilk

DD is really sensible and I think she understands what is going on. She just doesnt like thinking about it too much. She keeps saying she wants to be together like a "normal" family but I keep telling her there is no definition of a "normal" family! We had a big discussion about how families come in all shapes and sizes. She seems to be coping fairly well, hopefully.

It is nearly a week since I "ran away". My husband hasn't asked me for the address where we are staying, thank goodness. DD is going round to his (the old house) tonight straight from school. I asked her if she wanted to sleep over there but she didnt seem keen. Husband is not communicating with me at all except to make snippy comments about me changing my paypal password and also one e mail yesterday informing me that he intended to book a holiday at the start of the school hols for himself and DD. DD doesnt want to go abroad with him, but I think she would go away to a cottage with him, although I dont think he has throught through how he is going to get there without me to drive him! I keep telling myself that I dont have to worry about being his chauffeur anymore!!

I sent him an e mail yesterday which I thought was quite polite. Im desperate for him to have some grown up dialogue with me. He replied back with some comments which he had put into the e mail.

In it I said I would be happy to bring DD over whenever he wanted, within reason (he replied back GOOD)

then I said that he might be receiving some paperwork from the solicitors which boils down to the fact that we cant live together anymore, that I can't stand the situation anymore and that things havent improved between us in the last 2-3 years. To this he replied back that I (me) hadnt done anything to improve things and had constantly been critical of him even though he had done his best.

I said in my e mail that I had found his recent behaviour very unreasonable, like not discussing or planning anything jointly especially financial stuff for DD's future..he replied to this that he had never been unwilling and that I had just assumed things as usual. . Then he went on to say I would have to live with my sneaky ways and it would catch up with me/haunt in the end. He said he was making plans for DD but that was between him and her now.

I said that I understood if he didnt want to talk to me or even hated me...to which he replied CORRECT...then he just went on to start telling me what dates he wanted to book a holiday for.

I havent actually MISSED him being around for the last week...its a bit like camping in the house as we are sleeping on a futon (not v comfortable) and have no furniture. But DD seems happy and thinks it is a bit of an adventure.

Yesterday I completed the mortgage application for the house I want to buy so there is some progress on that! The surveyors will be going out soon to value it and if that comes back OK I think its all systems GO!! It would be lovely if it all went through and I could be settled with DD by the autumn in a house of our own.

Mojisola

It's quite normal for it all to be your fault (from his point of view)!

That's the story he'll tell anyone who will listen so grow a thick skin. Don't try to refute everything he says - that will be another way of keeping control over you.

If other people pass his comments on to you, have some stock phrases ready - laugh and say "That's his story, is it?" or "Well he would say that, wouldn't he?" or whatever comes easily to you.

justme111

Now , I do not think it was right to start discussing with him reasons for a divorce. He will have power over you until you will continue to engage into those blamings and justifications game.

teawithmilk

This sounds really awful and disloyal but husband has no friends, we certainly dont have any joint friends. I moved back to this area to be nearer to my family (its my hometown) as I felt incredibly isloated in the last place we were. I think Im quite a friendly person, and certainly have no problem making friends at work (in fact all the people at my work have been amazing this week, asking if Im OK etc, offering help, as I have had to come clean that I've split up with him)

But we have moved round quite a bit and I havent had chance to put down roots and make lasting friends. It doesnt seem to bother husband, up until now he seemed happy just to have me and DD to talk/rant to. He doesnt even really keep in touch with his own family unless they call him. So I dont think anyone will be coming to me and passing on comments or quoting his side of the story, thank goodness.

The only time I missed him being round was last night when DD was constantly nattering for food and I was trying to do 3 jobsa at once and just wished for another adult to keep her occupied while I cooked her some food. But other than that I think we have had quite good fun in this little house, I havent had to do my usual chores of tidying up after him, we can eat whenever we want (DD and I have similar eating patterns) and do whatever we want. Even DD said last night "Guess what-We can do whatever we want at the weekend" as if it just dawned on her that we wouldnt have to wait for him to wake up mid morning on Saturday as usual and then wait for HIM to decide what sort of mood he was in before we planned what to do.

neneromanova

I think you need to look into prices of removals companies so you can get all the stuff from house 1 and either into storage til you move into house 3 or move the stuff into house 2 then on to 3 when everything is finalised. You're going to have to get things sorted and taken from house 1 when the tenancy runs out. By the sounds of it I don't think your ex will be willing to move/take anything from the rental flat as he'll a. Have no where to put it and b. Want to cause as much hassle for you in moving the stuff. Have you contacted ll for house 1 to explain the situation?

teawithmilk

I havent contacted letting agency from House number 1 (the one that husband is living in) yet. I'm expecting a letter from them at the start of July asking me if I want to renew the lease.

I still have keys for house 1 obviously and have been popping in while husband is out at work and taking bits and pieces. There is a garage at house 2 which is already half full of junk of mine (I am a complete hoarder and I must take some time when I can to declutter) so I could store some things from house 1 there. Its just physically exhausting working full time, looking after DD and lugging boxes of my possessions from one house to another, m not complaining, this is all my doing, its just very tiring and I have no one to help.

If husband had been reasonable I was going to suggest that if he wished he could stay at house 1 and I would lease it in my name as I wouldnt need credit checks as I was already the tenant and he could just pay the rent to me but after his last e mail I a) dont think he even wants to talk to me and b) have worries about the legal situation of it al if the lease is in my name. I just want it to go smoothly, for him to accept that its all over and for us both to move on with the minimum of upset for DD. Ideally he would be looking for a place of his own right now but I doubt he has even looked, just buried his head in the sand and blamed me. Goodness he could even get a new girlfriend who would be a "proper wife to him" (whatever that means in his universe) and I would be happy for him.

neneromanova

That's why I mentioned a removal company. They'd pick the things up, you'd just need to be there to tell them what to take, like wardrobes, beds, clothes, TVs, computers, pets, sofas. Just leave him with the bare essentials like fridge, sofa, cooker ect.

I would really explain to the letting agents that you've had to leave the property and see what they can do. You could arrange viewings for when he's at work so won't mess the place up so it gets let. they might even let it quicker and you could give it up before September

Treevo

I think you should contact the CSA OP and ensure he's paying the correct maintenance for your daughter. I also think you're being a little soft on him in regards to making it all easy for him. DON'T rent him a house. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself.

I'd also contact his parents to ensure that they can continue to see your daughter and so that they know what's going on.