Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

paulineb_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

I am so very grateful for all the support and advice that I am getting from you all. At least I can get on the internet here via my smartphone now.

This little house is just perfect for me and Dd at the moment-she seems happy here. It is so peaceful here without him. I didnt realise what a negative person he was until we get away from him-he complains about everything from his journey to work right through to the end of the day when he sits complaining about his laptop or what is on TV.

DD seems much happier here already. My mum is ill again so we spent a bit of time with her yesterday but we (Dd and I) had a fun evening.

The other day when I Was so scared and loading the bare essentials into the car I just did not know how to tell him. I did try and phone him but he had his phone switched off so I had to text and then I spoke to him on the phone later in the evening so by that time he has furious that we had gone. Since then he has refused to talk to me. Today my family are around so I was thinking of dropping DD off for an hour then when I pick her up I can say that this move is permanent.

I dont think I have behaved badly Im just trying to protect DD. I shouldstop feeling guilty otherwise his mind games of calling me names will start to work.

thaks again to everyone,I so,so, appreciate your help.

You dont need to tell him anything. Also, try and get someone else in your family or a trusted friend to drop your daughter off and pick her up so you dont need to see him.

I know separated couples who do that and I think it would be justified given everything you have been through with this man.

NAR

Timing is everything with the next stage. I understand why you said it, but he is under the impression that you are "on a break" from him. You do need to soften the blow to a certain extent by telling him you are finished and you are divorcing him. You need to do this before the divorce petition is served, as I'm sure he would be very angry to just get that served without prior knowledge.

This is a one day at a time process for you at present, but once the divorce petition is served and he accepts things are over, then you will become more relaxed and really start enjoying your new life.

teawithmilk

Thanks, I dropped her over this morning to give him her fathers day card but she didnt want to stay so I took her with me to see my family as we were all meeting up for lunch. I just dropped her back to see him after lunch because I dont want him saying that I am monopolising all her time at the weekend. She didnt particularly wqnt to go back and see him so I am torn now- part of me says that if he is not speaking to me and isnt actually Asking to see DD that i shouldnt go out of my way to take her round. I notice he is still bidding on stuff on ebay (he uses my ebay id) so he cant be that heartbroken or distraught.

when i dropped her off he said that he wanted to see her on saturday next week so he is obviously thinking that far ahead. . .which is fine by me. I would rather be civil about things. I must let him know about the divorce petition but if he is not prepared to have dialogue with me i will do that by e mail.

he still seems to be sleeping on the sofa bed downstairs even though there are two beds (mine and DDs) upstairs maybe it just hasnt occurred to him that they are now free. He hasnt fed or looked after her pets either. He has a habit of turning the fish tank filter off at night as the sound annoys him and I always turn it back on in the morning so they dont die and he hasnt been doing that so I must get the pets away. All in all it has been calm but it feels strange going round there. . . .do you think I should just wait until he asks to see DD from now on instead of trying to maintain their contact, Im just paranoid he will say Im trying to take her away fro him, but he doesnt seem bothered, he hasnt even phoned her on an evening, Im glad she is back at school tomorrow which will be a bit more normal and routine for her (and me)

Kayalana99

I would say unless he asks for now just let it be untill things calm down...he can't say your not letting him see her if he isn't putting the effort in.

Assuming long term you'd get a proper arrangement where he sees her x days but whilst things are still in the air I wouldn't be running after him. As long as your not saying he can't see her I don't see the problem at least temporary.

neneromanova

I would wait until he asks to see her. But also respect your DD's wishes if she doesn't want to though see him. She's old enough to know if she wants to see him.

How's the house you're buying going?

teawithmilk

Thanks, I suppose I need to toughen up but I have had twenty years of having to worry about what will make him mad and trying to smooth things over to keep him in a good mood. . .so it is difficult to break out of that habit.

I did tell him last week that I was speaking to a solicitor so if he has any sense that shouldnt come as a shock to him.

I will, however, email him tomorrow to tell him to expect correspondence . . .do you think I should tell him all the details.

kelpie35

I have to agree too, untill there is a more formal arrangement made, that you should just let your DD go when he asks.

Also I think because your DD is of an age to make the decision if she wishes to go and see her dad, that you need to allow her that choice.

You should not feel guilty if she decides not to visit on a regular basis as she seems a very "switched on" little girls.

Remember you are doing this to make yours and hers a better life.

tattycath

Don't make the mistake I did when I split with my ex he went to great lengths to make me feel guilty about the split and I went out of my way to smooth the waters etc. (after years of his brainwashing) I felt obliged to prove myself to him (god knows why). He was very manipulative during and after the relationship.
Regarding children, He said he didn't want to see the kids coz he wasn't going to be a part time dad. He did see them now and again at my
instigation. In the end I told him I had to work weekends and had no one to look after the kids. So he reluctantly agreed to have them over the weekend-for a trial period to see how it went. He had them regularly for a few years. As the kids got older and he didn't do anything with them-not taking them out-not even for a meal or to the cinema (coz he went drinking at lunchtime even when he had the kids) they didn't want to go regularly, now they hardly go at all-and I don't push it or try to force them.
Since we moved away from the area he only sees them if we take them or meet half way. He's only ever been to see them once in 7 years.

teawithmilk

well just picked DD up, she was just sitting watching telly and when I asked if she wanted to stay longer she shook her head and looked at me in panic as if I was going to force her to stay. He didnt say anything to me when I left. In the car DD started crying and said that her Dad hadnt really said anything to her all the time she was there and that she wanted us to just go back and be a normal family. I said that wasnt possible and that she knew fine well that Daddy would behave himself for a week or so then go back to his old ways. . .then she said yes i know, but if Daddy starts again we can just say we are leaving again and he will be nice again. This is such a mess. Im not having my beautiful girl being upset by this. So im going to wait until he requests that I bring her round. . .he cant say that I havent Tried to maintain contact. . . .

thorsoak

teawithmilk wrote: »

well just picked DD up, she was just sitting watching telly and when I asked if she wanted to stay longer she shook her head and looked at me in panic as if I was going to force her to stay. He didnt say anything to me when I left. In the car DD started crying and said that her Dad hadnt really said anything to her all the time she was there and that she wanted us to just go back and be a normal family. I said that wasnt possible and that she knew fine well that Daddy would behave himself for a week or so then go back to his old ways. . .then she said yes i know, but if Daddy starts again we can just say we are leaving again and he will be nice again. This is such a mess. Im not having my beautiful girl being upset by this. So im going to wait until he requests that I bring her round. . .he cant say that I havent Tried to maintain contact. . . .

I think it would be advisable to let DD's teachers know that you and your OH have separated, and that divorce is pending - they will need to know about the change of address in any case. There will be someone at school who may be able to counsel your DD as well should she need it. You are both doing so well. x