Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

paulineb_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

I have said nothing negative about him to her. At the age of 10/11 however she is capable of forming her own opinion about her Dad and while she loves him very much she knows that he has a temper and that we walk on eggshells around him. Part of all the "cheekiness" and defiance she has been showing to him over the last few months is her standing up to him when he is trying to control her.

I have to be careful what I say to her. Last Sunday, after we (me and DD) had a massive argument with him about something disgusting that he had left in the living room I took her for a drive and showed her the new rented house and asked her to keep it a secret. Last night she let it slip to him that I had done this, so maybe this is what has kicked off his vitriol about me being sneaky and a liar. But what was I supposed to do?? Ive been trying to get the message across to him for over 12 months hoping that he would see reason and realise that ours was a dead relationship and seperate from me/us himself as this would have caused the minimum disruption. Its like he hates me and hates being with me, I annoy him and he thinks I do nothing for him and that I am a useless wife (he said I was a Sh*t wife) but yet he still stays!

Im so cross now that I am going to make him see how much he has been relying on me. He wont have me to drive him around anymore. He uses my e bay acount as he was kicked off ebay for some reason so I have changed my e bay password. Ditto with paypal...that was important as I should never have given him my paypal password in the first place, but he bullied and nagged me into it, so that he could buy stuff. He still "owes" me £200 for rubbish he has bought recently using my paypal account so I doubt I will ever see that back. So thats two things that his "useless, do nothing" wife wont be helping him with anymore..lets see him bid on stuff now!

I'm returning all the forms, duly signed, to the solicitors today. He said last night that he hadnt had a drink for 3 weeks. He hasnt drunk any wine I dont think but prior to that 3 weeks ago he was tanking a bottle a night. This ios worrying as I have used his drinking as one of the grounds for divorce- what jif he convinces someone (a judge?) that he has given up???? I think he has "given up" temporarily to prove a point to me but I know from past experience that he will go back to his old ways. I dont want DD growing up in a house where there are wine bottles scattered about in the living room when she gets up for school. He has done this before actually- several years ago when I was on the brink of leaving him he broke down and begged me to stay and said he would never drink again. He actually did stick to that for nearly 6 months, until he started to slip back into drinking around Christmas time (used Xmas as an exuse) and then he was back to his old ways...so I know he can do it, but he would just con me into thinking that had had given up then once he had lulled me into a false sense of security would start again.

Listen to me! dont I just sound so bitter. I am convinced he does have a problem with alcohol but he hides it/manages it very cleverly.

Stop worrying about everything. Also, perhaps its better to say to your daughter that if you need to keep something a secret from her dad for very good reason, that she really needs not to tell him.

You have every right to move on away from him and yes he might make life difficult for a while, but you are still better away from him.

paulineb_2

Errata wrote: »

You certainly have done a lot for him, but doesn't he look after your DD after school and during school holidays whilst you work full time?

I think if he doesnt work, thats the very least he could be doing. It still doesnt mean that theres anything positive in the relationship between the OP and her husband.

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

I think if he doesnt work, thats the very least he could be doing. It still doesnt mean that theres anything positive in the relationship between the OP and her husband.

Exactly. He's her dad! It hardly counts as doing TWM a favour.

tayforth

TWM - no idea what to advise about access, but I hope that your solicitor gives you some good advice.

Re the money - think of it as a long-term investment, as LannieDuck says. On the bright side, remember that you did well to save all that money and it's now going to help you make a fresh start xxxx

Errata

paulineb wrote: »

I think if he doesnt work, thats the very least he could be doing. It still doesnt mean that theres anything positive in the relationship between the OP and her husband.

The OP says he does work.

teawithmilk

He does work full time, sorry if I gave the impression that he was unemployed. He earns the same amount as me now! He doesnt look after her after school as she goes to afterschool club and then i pick her up in the car and bring her home. I tend to get home at around 5ish, some nights he doesnt get home until 6pm.

His type of job means that he gets school holidays off so he does look after her in the hols. But he is her Dad! I wish I could get all school hols off to spend with her, I would count that as a treat to get so much time with her, some days we get so little wuality time together. I take as much of my annual leave off during the school hols but obviously can't take the big 6 wk holiday off...so her Dad does look after her during the bits that I cant take off. But she tends to complain and she does say she doesnt like being on her own with him for the whole of the holidays and its boring. in the past I have just told her to get on with it and not listened to any of her complaints.

I could easily make arrangements to have her go to my mums for a few days, or my sisters, cover the bits I could take off myself, or put her into a fun holiday club of some sort, if he didnt agree to look after her...but who wouldnt want to spend time with their own child????

RAS

Hi

Are the pets still at his house? Is he using them as bait?

I think there is a real risk that he will try to keep DD at the old house and claim to be the parent with care unless you get some proper legal advice and sort out holiday care.

Book time away with your mum and sister and book some time when you are on leave. Try to get away if only to a Youth Hostel, camping, Travel Lodge during that break.

Voyager2002

Well done on having the courage to take back control of your life!

Some very bad advice was posted earlier: above all, there is absolutely now way that you could ever have 'inherited' his debts unless you had signed the loan agreements with him. And to respond to your original question: since for most of the marriage you were both earning and contributing equally to expenses of the shared household, it is extremely unlikely that he would be able to claim a share of your savings. Many divorcing couples do agree to a 50-50 split of joint assets, but that is usually a matter of convenience.

As for your present situation: while each member of a married couple is obliged to support the other, since you are both earning (and he is earning more than you) I cannot imagine him being able to make a successful claim for maintenance.

teawithmilk

Well I have been a busy bunny today. I went to see solicitor during lunch for a quick appointment and handed in my court forms and statement of arrangements for DD. I HAVE to stop using my solicitor as a sort of counsellor (even though she is really nice and sympathetic) because even a 10 min appointment costs me dearly. Im expecting another huge bill soon because I have sent her several e-mails over the last few days and she charges me to read them and reply (which is fair enough, she's not a charity!)

Anyway it was worth speaking to her because she checked the forms were filled in OK, I also got to hand deliver them (I dont trust the post) and she also reassured me about any potential bad behaviour/threats and told me to phone the police- she even said that it would be cheaper to do that than go through her. Maybe I'm just a bit old fashioned/snobby but I cringe at the thought of having to get police involved. DD would be so upset.

So after a lot of thought I have decided to let DD go to "his" house tonight and not interfere...she will come back with tales of having fun, and pizza and DVDs (none of which he bothered to do before I left him) but I will have to grit my teeth and try and stay calm and rise above his pettyness. It will be wierd being completely on my own in new house tonight.

With regard to his debts, he ran them up ages ago (pre 2007 I think, before he got his debt management plan) so its over 6 years since he defaulted on them! He wouldnt have even got a DMP unless I had pushed him into it, he was just coasting along paying minimums and the debts were racking up even faster until I did a bit of research on his behalf and encouraged him to speak to CCCS.

He is useless at keeping paperwork. I doubt he even has a years bank statements. My solicitor says he would have to prove that the debts were run up buying joint stuff (e.g. food and household things) in order to claim that I was responsible for any of it. He never did run them up buying joint stuff and he would not have kept any statements showing anything anyway.

I saw his latest bank statement and even though he is earning best part of 2k a month after tax he is only paying £50 repayment to his DMP- this is based on a period when he was unemployed over 3 yrs ago- he has never had a DMP review with CCCS even though he has lied to me and told me that he has and also he has told me that he is paying £350 per month towards his debts. Thats a pile of pants....a complete lie. This is why he will NEVER be honest with me NEVER be fiancially responsible and I believe he is a total liar. I even know more about HIS debts than he does! I know they keep sending him letters asking for a review but he ignores them and carries on paying same amount and they dont seem to have cancelled his DMP so he has once again been lucky.

One pet is still at "his" house (outside, so I can go and feed it) and the other is with us at new house because I had to take her to vets to be spayed on day I moved out and just took her straight to new house in an indoor cage to keep an eye on her while she recovered. But she needs to be back in her bigger outside space soon.

As soon as I can get a van organised I will shift pet number 1 but for the moment it can manage quite well if I just check in on it once a day (which I can do after I have dropped DD at breakfast club and on my way to my own work) He doesnt give a stuff about the pets but I dont think he would be cruel to them.

LannieDuck

If you moving out prompts OH to have a nice evening with DD (even if he didn't do so before), so much the better.

See if you can take the opportunity this evening to have a lovely quiet evening doing things that you want to do. Bubble bath / glass of wine / DVD whatever.