Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

teawithmilk

Im not sure I will ask her in the morning . He promised her pizza and a dvd but she said to me tonight that she just wants us to go back to the house and be a normal family. if he was being reasonable and friendly i would feel more comfortable but i just have this underlying instinct that he will be quizzing her about everything and making her uncomfortable.

Im so tired now I will be able to think better in the morning. thanks everyone.

tayforth

He's deliberately messing with her head. Hugs to you. I hope that you manage to switch off and sleep ok. Night night xxx

Eager_Elephant

Hi teawithmilk

I don't think your DD should see her father unaccompanied until the divorce is dealt with. You can sort out access arrangements via a Childrens Centre.

Your ex is a nasty piece of work and I am afraid it is when these type of men lose control (ie you walking out) do they turn. I won't go in to details but I am sure you know what I mean.

You can do a DVD and pizza evening at yours tonight.

Ring CAFCASS in your local area to find out what to do and they deal with families and children in divorce and will be able to help sort out access.

LannieDuck

This is going to be the most difficult period, esp for your DD. Please know that you're doing the right thing. This is the first time you've properly stood up to OH and made him take you seriously, and he's lashing out. He can't control you anymore, and doesn't know how to deal with that.

I suggest you let your DD decide what she wants to do tonight. If she wants to go, I think I would let her (although I did have to pause there and really think about it before typing). If she doesn't want to, then she doesn't have to.

Perhaps this weekend your family could come over to your new flat and you could all have a lovely time with DD? Make her feel as if you're all still a happy family (OH aside...) regardless of the changes.

teawithmilk

What a mess. She seemed in a better mood this morning but we were in a rush to get her to school. I asked her if she wanted to go stay with him tonight and she said she did.

I am seeing my solicitor today at lunchtime to get clearer advice. God this is going to start costing me a lot financially.

against my better judgement I have said she can go to his tonight. I didnt want to cause a scene with her this morning. Im shattered as well. She will be walking home from school to the house (its just around the corner) as she doesnt go to afterschool club on a Friday but I've just realised she has gone without her toothbrush or a jacket or any clothes....although she obviously has lots of clothes back at the house he is at. I will speak to solcitor at lunchtime and see what she advises, can always go pick DD up straight from the school door if solicitor thinks I can do that.

paulineb_2

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

Hi teawithmilk

I don't think your DD should see her father unaccompanied until the divorce is dealt with. You can sort out access arrangements via a Childrens Centre.

Your ex is a nasty piece of work and I am afraid it is when these type of men lose control (ie you walking out) do they turn. I won't go in to details but I am sure you know what I mean.

You can do a DVD and pizza evening at yours tonight.

Ring CAFCASS in your local area to find out what to do and they deal with families and children in divorce and will be able to help sort out access.

I actually dont agree, it is possible for kids to see their parents while they are separated even if the relationship has broken down and its important that the decision not to see him comes from the daughter herself otherwise it may make life difficult for the mum by banning her from seeing her father.

If theres a hint of him trying to poison the child against her mum thats when I would step in and try and do something about supervised contact. Or if the child is at risk in any way.

I think its very important to let the daughter have some part in the decision making process as to whether she wants an ongoing contact with her dad or not as the case may be.

LannieDuck

teawithmilk wrote: »

What a mess. She seemed in a better mood this morning but we were in a rush to get her to school. I asked her if she wanted to go stay with him tonight and she said she did.

I am seeing my solicitor today at lunchtime to get clearer advice. God this is going to start costing me a lot financially.

against my better judgement I have said she can go to his tonight. I didnt want to cause a scene with her this morning. Im shattered as well. She will be walking home from school to the house (its just around the corner) as she doesnt go to afterschool club on a Friday but I've just realised she has gone without her toothbrush or a jacket or any clothes....although she obviously has lots of clothes back at the house he is at. I will speak to solcitor at lunchtime and see what she advises, can always go pick DD up straight from the school door if solicitor thinks I can do that.

Good idea to get some advice from solicitors at this stage. Hopefully you won't need to consult them too much, and this is a long-term strategy anyway - your OH's debts would have cost you far more over the next 10-20 years.

DD still loves her Dad and wants to spend time with him. It's only to be expected. Hopefully he'll use the time in a positive fashion. This isn't about DD, it's about you and OH, and I really hope he can keep that in mind and avoid dragging her into it.

Don't worry about the clothes, as you say she has it all back at the house anyway.

NAR

As a man I was going to say he has every right to see and have access to his daughter. But if he is going to try and poison her mind, use her as a pawn in a crazy mind game, then you definitely have to intervene.

He maybe has a crazy plan of going for sole custody of DD. Your solicitor will advice on the best way forward. Good luck.

teawithmilk

I have said nothing negative about him to her. At the age of 10/11 however she is capable of forming her own opinion about her Dad and while she loves him very much she knows that he has a temper and that we walk on eggshells around him. Part of all the "cheekiness" and defiance she has been showing to him over the last few months is her standing up to him when he is trying to control her.

I have to be careful what I say to her. Last Sunday, after we (me and DD) had a massive argument with him about something disgusting that he had left in the living room I took her for a drive and showed her the new rented house and asked her to keep it a secret. Last night she let it slip to him that I had done this, so maybe this is what has kicked off his vitriol about me being sneaky and a liar. But what was I supposed to do?? Ive been trying to get the message across to him for over 12 months hoping that he would see reason and realise that ours was a dead relationship and seperate from me/us himself as this would have caused the minimum disruption. Its like he hates me and hates being with me, I annoy him and he thinks I do nothing for him and that I am a useless wife (he said I was a Sh*t wife) but yet he still stays!

Im so cross now that I am going to make him see how much he has been relying on me. He wont have me to drive him around anymore. He uses my e bay acount as he was kicked off ebay for some reason so I have changed my e bay password. Ditto with paypal...that was important as I should never have given him my paypal password in the first place, but he bullied and nagged me into it, so that he could buy stuff. He still "owes" me £200 for rubbish he has bought recently using my paypal account so I doubt I will ever see that back. So thats two things that his "useless, do nothing" wife wont be helping him with anymore..lets see him bid on stuff now!

I'm returning all the forms, duly signed, to the solicitors today. He said last night that he hadnt had a drink for 3 weeks. He hasnt drunk any wine I dont think but prior to that 3 weeks ago he was tanking a bottle a night. This ios worrying as I have used his drinking as one of the grounds for divorce- what jif he convinces someone (a judge?) that he has given up???? I think he has "given up" temporarily to prove a point to me but I know from past experience that he will go back to his old ways. I dont want DD growing up in a house where there are wine bottles scattered about in the living room when she gets up for school. He has done this before actually- several years ago when I was on the brink of leaving him he broke down and begged me to stay and said he would never drink again. He actually did stick to that for nearly 6 months, until he started to slip back into drinking around Christmas time (used Xmas as an exuse) and then he was back to his old ways...so I know he can do it, but he would just con me into thinking that had had given up then once he had lulled me into a false sense of security would start again.

Listen to me! dont I just sound so bitter. I am convinced he does have a problem with alcohol but he hides it/manages it very cleverly.

Errata

You certainly have done a lot for him, but doesn't he look after your DD after school and during school holidays whilst you work full time?