Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

teawithmilk

Yes! Sorry I haven't been able to update recently but I am super busy....got loads to tell you- mainly very positive stuff!!

yes they have contacted him and looks like he should be giving me around £200 per month!

Plus there is lots of positive progress on the dating/meeting new people front...not with the nutter I might add....

I shall try and update later or I promise first thing tomorrow....

teawithmilk

Ok, I will get the important stuff out of the way first!!

Been really busy at work, busier than normal even.

I go away on holiday in a week as soon as schools break up and I haven't even thought about it I have been so busy. DD and I are doing another "road trip" to the South West....nice little hotel, explore the coast, trinket shops, jewellery shops, galleries, the Tate, all the things she loves (and me too!)

My first child support payment went into my account yesterday from him. It must be that because he called it "money for XXXX"

I'm amazed he paid. he didn't tell me he was doing it...but maybe he has finally realised he has to face up to things. I don't even know the frequency he has to pay...he paid in £200 so I don't know what that covers, or maybe its some of the money he owes me but either way it will help me so much...I got a call from the CSA and they said they had spoken to him by phone and explained it all to him...

I spoke to my solicitor again about the clean break. Its still all a bit uncertain if this will just open a can of worms. I told her I would wait until my holiday with DD is over before I start the process. I don't want any conflict spoiling my holiday plus he is taking DD away abroad literally the day after I get back so that's not very convenient. I don't want any arguing or bad atmosphere to spoil the start of DDs holidays...its not fair to spoil her summer. It only means waiting another two weeks and will give me chance to think carefully about how to manage it while I'm away. I could always use the child support as a bargaining tool...i.e. say to him that I would accept less money if he just signed the clean break with no arguments.....but then yesterday my solicitor told me that I cant technically promise that to him, because if I lost my job and was on benefits he would have to pay me maintenance for DD anyway, whatever we had agreed between ourselves verbally or even in writing. The government would MAKE him pay.

I have also been out a few times for coffee etc with various people...and met a really nice bloke (call him 1 for arguments sake) who I'm seeing again tomorrow. I have come to the conclusion that I must like arty, creative men...even though I'm practical and engineering/sciency....anyway he is a designer and we get on really, really well. we talk every day and we are so similar...he is really sweet. I have still got major self esteem issues which must really get on peoples nerves so I'm trying to avoid putting myself down all the time. I have also met another bloke (2) at exactly the same time...literally the same day he contacted me....(he is a physiotherapist) who also wants to take me out for dinner early next week! so now I feel morally horrible for seeing them both at once. They are both really nice. Dilemma!!! is it really really dishonest and horrible to be going out for what I suppose are technically "dates" with two people at once?? I'm so rubbish at this type of thing really.

teawithmilk

and please dont shout at me, I am being really careful and not taking things too seriously and expecting to meet prince charming..its just nice to go out for coffee and talk to another grown up and also hear their stories of woe...makes my life seem more normal to realise I'm not the only person with baggage.

thorsoak

I'm not shouting at you, TWM, I'm cheering you on! See as many people as you can - as somebody said to me recently "we all need as many friends as we can get!" You are meeting new people who hopefully will become new friends.

Good luck xxxx

When_the_going_gets_tough

Oh well done! I have followed your thread from the beginning and I am full of admiration for you! Have a lovely holiday.

Mojisola

teawithmilk wrote: »

I could always use the child support as a bargaining tool...i.e. say to him that I would accept less money if he just signed the clean break with no arguments.....

but then yesterday my solicitor told me that I cant technically promise that to him, because if I lost my job and was on benefits he would have to pay me maintenance for DD anyway, whatever we had agreed between ourselves verbally or even in writing. The government would MAKE him pay.

I agree with your solicitor that you shouldn't make CM part of the settlement deal - but not for the same reason.

It's been some years since benefits claims were linked to CM payments.

egoode

teawithmilk wrote: »

is it really really dishonest and horrible to be going out for what I suppose are technically "dates" with two people at once?? I'm so rubbish at this type of thing really.

I don't think there's anything wrong with dating 2 or more people this early on, I think it only gets wrong when you start sleeping with someone. However really it depends mainly on what you feel comfortable with. Have a great time on your holiday.

Errata

Dilemma!!! is it really really dishonest and horrible to be going out for what I suppose are technically "dates" with two people at once??

Good grief ............ NO! You're simply meeting two blokes you don't know from Adam. Something may develop further with one of them, or not. Do bear in mind how 'sweet' you thought the last bloke was until you got to know him and discovered he was a creep.
You're sampling what's on offer, so try the samples.

BigAunty

I really still don't understand why you feel you need to make concessions to him just because he has paid a random sum to you once he found out that child support isn't something he can wriggle out of like he intended.

It's almost like you feel you must reward him for complying with a mandatory obligation. Remember, the CSA route was only a last resort after he saw no moral obligation to step up and when he preferred to spend his disposable income on treating himself and living in an expensive property.

What you need to check is the risks and difficulty that could result from your new negotiated sum, what happens if he decides to renege on it (as you would be essentially flagging up to him that you don't somehow 'need' the full amount), how difficult it would be to get a new case launched if he simply stops paying (demonstrated by his usual attitude to financial commitments which involves hiding from debtors, for example, and spending money on his hobbies rather than your DDs clothes and food).

NAR

TWM so glad to hear all your positive news. CSA will write to you in due course setting out exactly how his payment is calculated (which you can challenge if you think he has misinformed the CSA).

Regards your dating I agree with the others, treat your "dates" as just meeting new friends. However you probably will have to choose at some point which one you favour and want to see more often.

Have a fab holiday next week, sounds like a great girrly adventure for the two of you.

While DD is away with ex it will give you some thinking time re the clean break settlement. You may come up with an alternative "offer" as CSA cannot be used as a bargaining tool.