Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

girlatplay

teawithmilk wrote: »

I have also been out a few times for coffee etc with various people...and met a really nice bloke (call him 1 for arguments sake) who I'm seeing again tomorrow. I have come to the conclusion that I must like arty, creative men...even though I'm practical and engineering/sciency....anyway he is a designer and we get on really, really well. we talk every day and we are so similar...he is really sweet. I have still got major self esteem issues which must really get on peoples nerves so I'm trying to avoid putting myself down all the time. I have also met another bloke (2) at exactly the same time...literally the same day he contacted me....(he is a physiotherapist) who also wants to take me out for dinner early next week! so now I feel morally horrible for seeing them both at once. They are both really nice. Dilemma!!! is it really really dishonest and horrible to be going out for what I suppose are technically "dates" with two people at once?? I'm so rubbish at this type of thing really.

Two things:
1. You can date as many people as you want at the one time. This is the fun part. You are going for coffee/meals/nights out with other adults. When it gets a bit more serious with one person, that is the time to consider not dating others.
2. There is every chance that the men you are dating are dating other women too. This comment is not meant to hurt you, just to remind you that it is all supposed to be fun right now so relax and enjoy

neneromanova

How you doing now that it's the summer hols TWM?

teawithmilk

Hi...not too good today as I have been dumped by the guy that I was seeing...he did it in a really nice way but it still doesn't make it less painful. He did it via a message this morning. We have been talking since the start of July...he would message and phone me every day, sometimes several times a day, he kept in touch while I was away on holiday and said how much he was looking forward to me coming back. He stayed over at my house several times and we had started to get more intimate. I really started falling for him...he just seemed perfect for me...sounds like a cliche but I thought we had a real connection. However he was very reserved and seemed to be very shy with me. I liked everything about him...he was so lovely and kind and sensitive.

I was supposed to be going out with him tonight to his house for the first time and he had promised to cook etc for me (its always been more convenient to come to my house as its near where he works and he lived about 25 miles from me)

I knew something was wrong as he never responded to a message that I sent him yesterday and never got in touch with me all night last night. Then this morning I got a message saying that for the last couple of days he had been considering how he felt he couldnt open up and felt that deep down things didn't feel right...which was causing him to be shy. I assume by this he means deep down we didnt have the connection that I thought we had.

So Ive been dumped basically.

I don't know why I"m so upset....Ive only known him a month but we have been speaking every day and i really thought I knew him.

I feel heartbroken. Which is ridiculous. But I cant help it.

I suppose he did it in the best way he could...I just dont know what to do. DD is at her dads tonight so I will be on my own. I dont have many close friends and they are all busy and I cant impose. Theres nothing on at the cinema i want to see. my sister is away on holiday. Im totally on my own.

I know these things happen. Just cant believe how upset i am really. I told him loads of stuff, really opened up to him, he seemed so similar to me. But I guess if he feels that the attraction isnt there then I cant argue with that. He said all the usual stuff, Im a a beautiful person etc etc and wishing me well for the future but I still feel awful.

Life is rubbish isnt it.

And I havent made any progress with the legal stuff as I have had a big car repair bill and cant even pay my last solicitors bill yet plus the bills from the holiday I just had so I cant progress things fr a week or two. Plus I need ex's help to look after DD over school hols.

thorsoak

I am sorry to read this, TWM - but it isn't about you - it's about his being unable to commit. There are people out there who are lovely people, but when push comes to shove, there is something in their makeup which makes it almost impossible for them to really get close to others. Although attracted to you, he's unable to take further steps - his problem, not yours.

He's not going to make public the things that you've confided in him, so don't get too upset about having opened up to him - it will have done you a lot of good to have unburdened yourself.

I'm sure I've said it before - am always saying it to friends - but learn to treat yourself as you would want to be treated - you be your own best friend. Stop beating yourself up - you've done a great job with your daughter, you've extricated yourself from a miserable marriage and moved and bought your home - what achievements!

Sorry about the car bill - but it will get paid eventually, as will your solicitors' bills. And stop thinking that you "need ex's help" to look after DD during the holidays - demand that he exercises his duties as a parent to look after her!

In the meantime {{hugs}} - and a nice cup of tea (with milk!) for you - wine and choccies later this evening xxx

Errata

I suppose he did it in the best way he could.

No he didn't, he didn't do it face to face because he's gutless and you're well shot.
Perhaps you just need to treat the blokes you meet as friends first, then see what develops when you really get to know them, because nobody can know someone well after just a month.
There are a lot of frogs on dating sites, they need to be treated with caution and circumspection.

teawithmilk

Thanks for being so kind Thorsoak. I have that horrible feeling that I recognise from many years ago the last time someone dumped me- that tightness around your heart, feeling tearful and let down, and I can't stop going over things he said to me in my head. Strange how these things happen! Its just a feeling, its stupid really, not rational. Well its something to tell my counsellor on Monday I suppose. The last time I saw her she said I didnt seem like I needed to come anymore as I was so positive and upbeat last week! I only have 2 more sessions with her unless I can afford to pay for more privately (if she does private work)

I'm not bothered about the confidentiality of what I told him, its just that we had so much in common. We talked about our music, books, films, life in general. our hopes and dreams...even plans we wanted to make which both dovetailed in...where we wanted to travel to (if we ever got the cash!) it would have been amazing....we just got on so well. I told him all about my break up, told him he was the first man I had been close to other than my ex for 20 years etc. We were even tentatively making plans to go away somewhere without the kids, he invited me to a concert that he had an extra ticket for in September...stuff like that. And I dont think he was scamming me and was married, he just has one of his children living with him (to go to the nearby college) and he was waiting for them to be away before he invited me over (or so he said) Who knows now.

I am wondering if he is one of these men that has an image in his head and heart about what his ideal woman would look like or be like personality wise. And if someone doesnt fit that 100% he wont move his goalposts. I don't know, in hindsight maybe he was one of these idealistic guys.

Maybe he had to BE in love with someone to take things further physically I dunno. its not like I pushed him or anything! He seemed keen enough at first and initiated a lot of kissing etc etc (OK that's probably TMI!) Maybe I tried too hard.

Anyway its all academic now. I shouldve been at his house tonight and instead I'm stuck in here on my own! My friend said drink some wine but I dont think thats the best thing. I don't need a hangover as well as a broken heart. Might go out for a long long walk instead.

I cant even be bothered going on the dating website and looking at anyone else. its just too time consuming and takes up too much energy. It all seems like a cattle market anyway.

Thanks for listening/letting me rant. x

teawithmilk

I am treating them all as friends and I will be WAY more careful about letting my guard down in future. But you have to trust someone at some point and I felt I did trust him.

teawithmilk

Sorry for posting again but my life just gets even more complicated and would appreciate advice.

My ex now seems to be cooperating and child support money has gone into my account today . DD is spending a lot more time with him over the last couple of weeks as it is school hols and he has school hols off. So I have been dropping her off as usual and he had her all last week as they were away.

Now bearing in mind that I havent actually spoken to him in person for months and we just communicate by text and e mail I had a conversation with DD the other day where she said that her dad had suggested we all go away on holiday together. I thought she had just got the wrong end of the stick until I got a text from him about half an hour ago saying that he would like to take her away but she wasnt keen on going without me and would I like to come along (Im paraphrasing what he said as it was quite a long text)

the whole message was upbeat and quite chatty and im just floored by it. I just dont know what to think.

he ended it by saying "let me know as i will have to get booking something one way or another"

I cant work out if this is him finally trying to get us to be friends or if there is some other ulterior motive. I know DD would love us to go away together but this is not a hollywood film. Maybe he is doing it so he can say to DD "well I asked mummy but she wouldnt come" or maybe he genuinely thinks that things have moved on and we could go away without any problems.

he will obviously be expecting a response.

Just dont know what to think/do.

This takes my mind of my other issues somewhat.

girlatplay

I admire you for not diving to the bottom of a bottle of wine TWM. What will be, will be. Just relax and let stuff happen. Enjoy having your life back. Hugs x

neneromanova

Hmm, that's a tough one. What does your gut say? Personally I would say he's trying to be nice, then he'll start acting horrible again like he used to. He sees that he's lost power over you and this seems a way of trying to get that power back. Why not talk to DD and say it's a lovely thought, but you just don't feel comfortable going but think it's great that she wants to go with her dad. Maybe she doesn't want to go as she thinks that you'll be upset and not happy about it.