Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

thorsoak

jobbingmusician wrote: »

Nooooo! If you don't give reasons, you don't give him anything to argue about! (I wouldn't be able to say no, I'd have to say 'for a number of reasons', but I like to hope I could then refuse to discuss those reasons.)

Very good point!

BritishBibliophile

Sorry to jump in but saw this thread and the current dilemma and thought I'd pipe up.

I think you need to speak to DD first of all. Explain to her that you love her very much, and Daddy loves her very much too. But when two people are separated that means that things like holidays are also done separately, just like you and her had your own seperate holiday together without Daddy, so she and Daddy will be having holidays together without you. But that doesn't mean that you love her any less, and you're sure she will have a lovely time with Daddy. If you discuss it with her first then it stops your OH pointing the finger of blame at you, you've already explained your side to her.

Then simply respond to the message with something like "Thank you for the offer but I must decline. Please let me know what date you choose so I can make sure DD has everything sorted and packed in time." No excuses, nothing for him to pick on, just a polite refusal and a gentle reminder that DD is the important one in this scenario.

teawithmilk

well guess what. DD is now back with me, in tears, angry with me as I have tried to gently explain why its a bad idea. So I have to try and calm her down and get her to sleep. Then I have to compose a response to him while trying not to lose my temper. No doubt this will then trigger him kicking off about something he might refuse to look after DD or something petty like that.


I have decided to give the internet dating a rest for a while and not even log in.


I have already joined some meet up groups in my area for crafts and walking. Havent had much chance to go on any organised walks as they have coincided with me having DD on a Saturday. ..but done some of the crafty stuff as that is more evening based.

Mojisola

teawithmilk wrote: »

well guess what. DD is now back with me, in tears, angry with me as I have tried to gently explain why its a bad idea. So I have to try and calm her down and get her to sleep.

Then I have to compose a response to him while trying not to lose my temper.

No doubt this will then trigger him kicking off about something he might refuse to look after DD or something petty like that.

You're not really surprised, are you? He hasn't changed his spots - he's using DD as a weapon to get at you.

I wouldn't reply to him tonight. When you do, just keep it factual and simple.

January20

He is such a nasty man to use his daughter like this!

Completely agree with Misojola.

girlatplay

Maybe a little bit of tough love is what is needed with DD in this situation. Make it clear that you will not be going on holiday together now or ever again as you are not together anymore. If you make it clear now that it will never ever happen then if this happens again it will be easier for DD to deal with as it was made clear before. Kids cry when they don't get their own way. She is 11 (12? I have forgotten now). Hormones will be creating some of that upset too. Be firm. She will get over it.

NAR

TWM you have been given some good advice here and I 100% agree with girlsatplay. DD has got to realise what divorce really means.

I also agree with keeping reply simple. Tell him no to holiday and that you don't appreciate him sowing the seed in DD's mind as she was very upset when you said no to her.

RAS

teawithmilk wrote: »

well guess what. DD is now back with me, in tears, angry with me as I have tried to gently explain why its a bad idea. So I have to try and calm her down and get her to sleep. Then I have to compose a response to him while trying not to lose my temper. No doubt this will then trigger him kicking off about something he might refuse to look after DD or something petty like that.

twm

Is it possible that DD does not want to spend time away overnight with her father? But is too scared to tell him that?

And that basically getting you along would make it bearable?

Agree with girlatplay that you need to explain that divorce means no shared holidays and few shared experiences. My mother used to play happy families with her ex at my brother's parent's days. It did his head in because he could not understand how she put on this front in public and then respond differently in private.

Mojisola

Your ex never managed to book a holiday and pay for it himself when he was with you - what are the chances that a trip away will never materialise? He may have been banking on you refusing so that he could say to DD that they can't go away.

lulu650

wondered how the rest of the summer holidays panned out for you and your daughter teawithmilk