Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

teawithmilk

...and im meeting that bloke tomorrow. He has been e mail ling me and we have been talking a lot. He has even written me a poem, how cheesy but lovely is that??!! Im very dubious about why he seems to like me so much. I cant imagine anyone every liking me.

It feels so stupid, and frivolous. Im constantly worried that he is not what he seems and that I'm going to get sucked into some horrible situation again. But then another side of me says stop being stupid and just go with it, I deserve a bit of fun and just having a nice time for a change.

But at least i e mailled my solicitor. Thats one sensible job out the way. So now maybe i should just belt up and forget this whole dating idea...but then i dont want to have months more of being miserable. The counsellor i have been seeing says that i have half my life ahead of me. I really dont want to spend that alone. DD is needing less attention, half the time she just sits in her room anyway and is becoming more independent. I would just love another grown up to talk to and do stuff with or even just chat to on an evening.

justme111

BigAunty wrote: »

I appreciate this is a long thread with the nuggets of her ex's behaviour dispersed across many pages but this is a stingy guy, one in debt due to a sense of lifestyle entitlement and lack of budgeting, one who has forgotten how long TWM subsidised him. He was petty and selfish during the relationship. He has put up many barriers to becoming independent from TWM, anything from being slow to sort out a sole tenancy and taking over household bills after she moved out, to not assisting with the divorce, refusing to discuss a clean break when they originally separated.

I think she will benefit best from an intermediary like the CSA to prevent the type of bullying and stinginess he is capable of.

I appreciate everyone's circumstances differ. I understand it is far easier and probably better to use intermediary in the heat of separation when all sides feel hard done by. I am sure he feels hard done by as well. May be in their case involving CSA is right. I wanted to stress it may not be as a counter argument to the chorus of cheering mse ladies saying "you entitled to it , get it , do it by law". If they are that lawful how come they approve of her trying to hide /shield her house to part of which he is probably entitled ? That's double standard.
Twm , re your dating - we all want someone adult to talk to. It may take years to find , don't look at your date as a possibility for it , look at it as just a cup of coffee with someone and chance to talk to him for half an hour . I do not think you are ready for anything serious anyway , maximum some company , nothing serious , no introducing someone to your daughter or sharing life with someone.
Ps. BigAunty , I am sure you appreciate that being prescriptive about what's best for one having only one sided information does not sound right. Our part here is not to give op solutions but draw her attention to things to consider and question her position , may be cheer her if she is down , make her feel she is not alone.

NAR

TWM regarding your "date" you are way over analysing things. Just go along and take it as it comes.
Your counsellor is once again giving you very wise advice, these sessions are obviously having a very positive affect.

Errata

Written you a poem:eek::eek::eek:
Run for the hills!

justme111

Errata wrote: »

Written you a poem:eek::eek::eek:
Run for the hills!

Why ? She is not choosing future husband , just an opportunity to get to know people and get out of the house and get distracted from her worries

teawithmilk

yes the poem could be seen as a bit OTT but he comes across as quite a "deep" person...which seems nice. Anyway I am only going for a coffee with him this afternoon. I havet actually been on the dating site or checked my e mails for several days so I think I am calming down about it now. Whatever will be will be.

Anyway onto more important matters. I still cant understand and work out what is thebest thing to do.

It seems to me i have 2 options:

1) Do nothing. This might be the cheapest and least hassle option. But it always leaves me at risk of further trouble in the future. Im not in line to inherit any money and i dont even DO the lottery but it will always be a risk, especially if he gets into late middle age and realises his pension isnt as good as mine.

2) Spend £300 (I can afford that, but I cant afford £7,000!) and get the clean break order drawn up. Send it to him and see what he says. I was thinking that if I negotiated him and said i would acceot less money for DD in child maintenance he might go for this.

The only risk is if he finds out I have bought a house he might be awkward just to spite me. But if he hates me so much he might, just might just want a clean break himself. One thing is for sure he hates hassle so im hoping this will work in my favour. im going to ask solicitor today exactly what details I need to provide for the clean break...ie do I still need to do the form E...unless anyone here knows the answer to that??

LannieDuck

Personally I would go for 2, no question. With 1 you'll potentially be looking over your shoulder for years. What you actually need is to be completely separate, and in a couple of years (when DD is just a little older), 2 will allow that.

Don't offer child maintenance as an incentive right at the outset. No need to undersell yourself.

CH27

I'd do whatever it takes to get free of him financially.
He'll only drag you down while you're still linked.

purpleshoes_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

yes the poem could be seen as a bit OTT but he comes across as quite a "deep" person...which seems nice. Anyway I am only going for a coffee with him this afternoon. I havet actually been on the dating site or checked my e mails for several days so I think I am calming down about it now. Whatever will be will be.

Anyway onto more important matters. I still cant understand and work out what is thebest thing to do.

It seems to me i have 2 options:

1) Do nothing. This might be the cheapest and least hassle option. But it always leaves me at risk of further trouble in the future. Im not in line to inherit any money and i dont even DO the lottery but it will always be a risk, especially if he gets into late middle age and realises his pension isnt as good as mine.

2) Spend £300 (I can afford that, but I cant afford £7,000!) and get the clean break order drawn up. Send it to him and see what he says. I was thinking that if I negotiated him and said i would acceot less money for DD in child maintenance he might go for this.

The only risk is if he finds out I have bought a house he might be awkward just to spite me. But if he hates me so much he might, just might just want a clean break himself. One thing is for sure he hates hassle so im hoping this will work in my favour. im going to ask solicitor today exactly what details I need to provide for the clean break...ie do I still need to do the form E...unless anyone here knows the answer to that??

Why should you have to negotiate and accept less money in child maintenance?

Its always all about him and what he wants. I appreciate that he is a very difficult person to deal with and he doesnt make your life easy but why are you always having to compromise?

You are legally entitled to a certain amount of maintenance for your daughter, don't accept anything less.

teawithmilk

What annoys me is that morally I think he got a fair payoff from the house in 2010. Yes i could have split it 50/50 but that would have left me with debts and he would have just blown his extra bit of the equity on a new watch or rubbish.

I paid his mum back 40k and he got about 12k. if he had been sensible he would have asked his mum to maybe not take back the full 40k and use some of it for full andfinal settlements on his credit card debts. Then when his credit cards were paid off he could have paid his mum back in installments. She is not desperate for the money at the moment. Thats what I suggested and tried to discuss with him at the time but he had this attitude where he didnt care about his debts. He is on a DMP but I think they have calculated his monthly payments based on him being unemployed (which he was when the plan was set up) and i dont think he has ever told them that he has now got a full time teaching job. He would never tell me what he was paying out per month but a year or two ago I found one of his CCCS statements and at the time he only seemed to be paying about a fiver per month to each creditor. I said umpteen times that we could sort it out together but he refused to discuss it with me, said it was his business, and got angry.