Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

CH27

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thanks. Im just sitting here feeling sorry for myself! Life just seems to be one big battle sometimes. Feel like I dont deserve anything nice which is why im considering packing in this internet dating thing as it all just seems like too much effort and too much game playing about who texts who etc. I really don't want to get hurt. But there's always the possibility that I might meet someone nice. I had a big think about it and I dont think I want to be on my own for the rest of my life. I like this guy I have been messaging but I dont want to come across as too desperate and needy. If he is to believed (and I take everything with a huge pinch of salt) he does sound very nice. He is very funny, he has a strong work ethic (like me) and runs his own business and he seems very mature which is also complete opposite of ex. He can also drive which is a bonus!! that sounds a bit odd but ex never learned to drive so it would be wierd to go out with someone where I wasn;t doing all the driving all the time.

DD knows what her dad is like, I cant help getting a bit angry sometimes and trying to argue my case with her to say that im not so horrible as he has been making out.

She said something lovely the other day. You know that my main aim in buying this house was to make her feel safe and secure and have some stability. She got up late (midnight) to go to the loo which is downstairs (we have a downstairs bathroom) I just happened to be awake and said how good it was that she wasnt scared to go downstairs in the dark. She used to hate the dark....Then she said "but I feel really safe in this house mummy" that meant more to me than anything. My house might need loads of work doing to it and be constantly messy but at least it obviously feels like a safe home for her.

She knows that!
It's great that she feels your new house is her home & safe haven. Well done. You have given her that haven.

Errata

He is very funny, he has a strong work ethic (like me) and runs his own business and he seems very mature which is also complete opposite of ex. He can also drive which is a bonus

Yeah, yeah - and I'm the Queen of the May. Have you spoken to him? Met him? Mesages on a computer screen or a phone are no more than dots on the screen.

ecgirl07

teawithmilk wrote: »

I still have a lot of stuff at "his" house as I basically walked away with nothing more than bare essentials. Sentimental stuff and nice pairs of shoes, expensive winter boots and clothes etc (I am a female!!) But I know he will just chuck it all out now.



So I had to text him twice yesterday as there was a bit of confusion about her possibly going round to her best friends house for tea. He took ages to reply which meant that DD missed the chance to go to her friends. He is just playing silly games.

First organise to go get your stuff - get a few folks together get a date set and pack up severe this connection.

Second ask the correct question or send the correct message. Do not leave any communication like this open. Say something like

DD can go to BF's for dinner - if we dont hear from you by 3pm thats what the plan is. you can collect her from there at 7pm.

Take away his "power" by framing it in a way if he doesnt respond then a decision is already made. Force his hand to action.

Thirdly your DD isnt daft and ultimately is going to turn around and say "dad is a horrible spiteful man i dont really want to hang out with him" sooner than later.

triple_choc_chip

teawithmilk wrote: »

1. I still have a lot of stuff at "his" house as I basically walked away with nothing more than bare essentials. Sentimental stuff and nice pairs of shoes, expensive winter boots and clothes etc (I am a female!!) But I know he will just chuck it all out now.

2. So I had to text him twice yesterday as there was a bit of confusion about her possibly going round to her best friends house for tea. He took ages to reply which meant that DD missed the chance to go to her friends. He is just playing silly games.


3. She said that at lunchtime yesterday he said to her that he hated me. He apparently said "I hate your mummy. I really hate her. I hate her more than anything" and DD said "well you must have loved her once as you got married" and then he said "yes i was stupid"

Do you think I should say something to him about his comments to DD? but then if I did he would just have a go at her for telling me.

4. I've also been getting a bit distracted with this internet dating thing. Need a bit of advice about that too. Met a guy who I have really clicked with, and I'm worried that I might fall for him too quickly. He is the opposite of me, he seems to have a great social life and lots of friends.....I'm worried he might just think I'm not worth bothering with as i have such a quiet life.

5. Do you think I should just stop and concentrate on the important things instead of getting distracted with silly stuff?

Hi TWM,
Ok, As requested, 5 kicks up the bum....

1. You promised you would go in that house and get everything of yours while you were still the tenant and before you handed the keys back! Now that we know he is a teacher and therefore there was no danger of him turning up unannounced during the day, I'm disappointed you didn't take half a day off work to go and do that. Is there any chance that DD could put something in her bag each visit?
2. As has been suggested before, make this DD's responsibility. She sends him a text to say "Dad, I'm going to my friend's house from school". Job done - you shouldn't be involved at all.
3. Sounds like hers was the mature response, don't worry she can handle it. If she doesn't buy into his rubbish he will probably stop it soon.
4. Men pidgeon-hole women - the fun ones, the good time ones, the cool ones, the one's to get serious with...don't compare yourself wtih any others but do try to build some confidence in yourself because good men are definitely put off by a lack of self esteem, and bad men see the opportunity to exploit - as you have already experienced in life.
5. Do what ever makes you happy - always

teawithmilk

You are right. I am being childish. Its a bit of escapism I suppose. But as I said I take everything with a huge pinch of salt. I am meeting this nice-sounding person next week for coffee so I shall see. I wont do anything stupid!! But I feel that by still having to worry and stress about stuff relating to HIM (Ex) I am not able to move on with my life. And my whole divorce thing is still controlling my life. I want a bit of distraction that doesn't involve having to think about the problems ex causes and also spending a lot...going out for a coffee with someone doesn't cost much!

I will keep sensible but appreciate being able to check in here for a bit of a reality check and motivation, thank you xx

PasturesNew

As I see it - online dating can get you to meet somebody online then meet up in real life.... but I'd not be fannying about with texting. You either like them/meet them, or not.

Then, after that, it has to be a "proper relationship" or not.... so not texting/facebooking. Proper.... like proper adults.

Also - it's not compulsory to date at all... you could just get on with your life.

teawithmilk

I know. Shouldve gone in while I still had a key. But I don't have anyone who could go round with me during a weekday and I was scared to let myself in, just in case he had a training day or was just off sick or something. That would be just my luck. Anyway its done now. I will ask DD to have a look around while shes there and she sees anything small of mine (like photos of my family or bits and pieces like that) to bring them back in her bag. The rest I can live without.

Now she has her phone back we can go back to her making arrangements herself and minimise contact. It is getting easier as she is getting older. If she is at his house on a week night (she only goes for a meal maybe 2 nights per week max) she goes straight from school on her own.

Thanks for the pep talk...keep kicking!!

Errata

Here's a tip. When you bump into someone on an dating website, arrange to meet them for a pre Sunday lunch coffee/drink. That usually sorts out the ones who need to be home with their wife/partner/GF for Sunday lunch. Cynic? Moi?;)

neneromanova

I would go to the police and say, "I left my husband a few months ago and he's not allowing me back in the house for my stuff. I need someone to escort me to help me pick my stuff up as I really worry he will kick off as he has a history of violence."

Then organise a removal man to go and help you pick up your clothes and personal belongings. Don't ask DD to get anything for you as that means she is sneaking around behind his back and if he finds out could make her life hell like he did for you. That's not what you want.

I know it's easy for us to sit behind our computers and tell you what to do as we're not the ones that have to live your life. But you need to start being stronger with your ex as you will show your DD that the way daddy treats her mummy is not right and you have to stand up for yourself.

The moment that you have your stuff from his house, you will feel so much better, and you won't need to contact him. Get CSA sorted (well done for contacting them BTW ) then say if you have anything else to say to me, go through a solicitor as I'm done with you. Then be done with him. Don't reply to any texts (unless it's urgent about DD). Just ignore him. He will soon get bored once he knows it's not having any effect on you.

justme111

ecgirl07 wrote: »

Thirdly your DD isnt daft and ultimately is going to turn around and say "dad is a horrible spiteful man i dont really want to hang out with him" sooner than later.

If I was op I would not wanted it to happen. Because I would have had my daughter's best interest at heart and it does not do any young woman good to think like that about her dad.
Imho the best outcome would be :" ah well they used to be irritated with each other , luckily its getting less so these days - adults "
I agree with your advice on communication style.
And a couple of words re child support's amount. If he puts direct debit on his account he is unlikely to miss payments even without CSA. I am not a fan of "taking all I am entitled to from a man" position. Damage done can be far greater than benefit. In my own case I get less than a half of what I should in cs. About a year ago I suggested ex pays for daughter's activity which he particularly approves of so it adds to a bit more than a half. He and his partner take daughtero holidays , they have to travel to pick and drop her as they live a few hours away and I indeed would rather he spent money on her gladly than given them to me begrudgingly.