Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

jobbingmusician

*long term lurker emerges from shadows*

I don't agree with settling for £200. REMEMBER THE MONEY IS FOR DD! I think you will probably HAVE to go the whole CSA route, to get as much as you are entitled to and to (in an ideal world....) have some hope of enforcing payment.

And no, sorry, it doesn't sound to me as if he's heard from the CSA. But what do I know? Thank heavens I have never been in this situation.......

Stop press, major headline '(Almost) teenage girl loses key!' Isn't this the sort of thing kids do all the time? What is he expecting? (Says the adult who loses at least one thing a day, normally on a temporary basis thank heavens).

You're doing great, by the way, just in case you were doubting yourself :j

19lottie82

TWM, the only reason he thinks that £300 is too much is because he is used to having his lifestyle subsidised by you. If during the time together he has actually paid for his fair share of things, then it wouldn't come as too much of a shock.

Remember the CSA if the legal MINIMUM amount, so this is what he should pay.

Also, if you were to agree to this do you think he would stick to the agreement? I certainly don't.

Stick with the CSA for the sake of DD. As others have said, even if you put it in a savings account for her for when she is older towards Uni or the like.

Mojisola

19lottie82 wrote: »

As others have said, even if you put it in a savings account for her for when she is older towards Uni or the like.

While this is a nice idea if there's plenty of money around, any money he pays is for day-to-day living expenses now - don't feel you have to save it for the future when you're struggling financially now.

19lottie82

Mojisola wrote: »

While this is a nice idea if there's plenty of money around, any money he pays is for day-to-day living expenses now - don't feel you have to save it for the future when you're struggling financially now.

I didn't mean that TWM should feel obliged to do this. I just meant that £100 a month (the difference between going thru the CSA and accepting his offer) put away until DD is 18 would equal a good lump sum for uni or something else.

DigForVictory

Tea!
Hurrah for conselling for you & getting a third party to talk to for your DD.

You are Not a Bad Mum, just a loving woman pushed a bit too far. And if boundaries & enforcing them lead to strops & whines from DD, thats a completely normal part of teenage girl-hood.
Lost an old iphone? Ooops. Lost a house key? Oops. They are *little* things. "Of this small children don't die" as the rabbi says.

So. The ex's behaviour is also recognisable, also unpleasant, but unlike DD, it has Nothing To Do With You.

He's a grown up. He can be as rude, mean, petty, stupid & vindictive as he likes & if he makes a habit of it, it won't half bite him on the backside in a few more decades. Even sooner if he carries on not getting legal advice - he sounds the sort of bloke who despite long expensive hours of coaching blows his stack with the family court judge as he thinks he's right, looses all access etc & blames anyone other than himself.

This may mean he will likely blame you for *everything* that goes wrong in his life, and it will save you a pile of grief if you form the habit of not talking to him. After all, if he can't find his brolly when it rains, the barbecue won't light, his beer's warm, the bills are shocking & expensive? Of course he'll blame you. He's forgotten the autonomous practicalities of bachelor living. (Starting with cleaning from the sounds of it.)

Which are no longer your business. The care & feeding of your DD is. Insofar as you are able, raise her as best you can & let his follies wash past you with all the significance of another raindrop. You are not responsible for the rain. You are expected to check DD has a raincoat - as a teenager, she's expected to figure out when to wear it.

Do try for a clean break financially. It'll make a complete seperation much more enforcable & survivable. Almost comfortable.
Hang on to your sanity & your sense of humour, reassured by the community of us cheering you on.

BigAunty

teawithmilk wrote: »

...

But then he texted back and said this, which makes me think he might have heard something from CSA.

"Another 7 pounds to get a key cut. Are you going to be demanding 300 a month off me as well? Or can we agree on 200 so it leaves ME some money to spend on and with XXXX"

I can't believe you are still communicating with him about trivial matters which he turns into something akin to a trauma. Can't you just enjoy his pettiness from afar without responding? Your response was sensible but this is a man whose beliefs defy logic and tries (and usually succeeds) in making you feel guilty while not having any insight into his insulting, abusive and disrespectful atttitudes and behaviour.

£7 for a front door key? Where does he live, Chelsea? Probably half that, an unremarkable sum (i.e. most people would genuinely not balk at the cost of key cutting and wouldn't even raise it in conversation.

Does your DD get pocket money and could you politely request she pays for cutting herself, to make her take responsibility for the loss?

Please, please tell me that you are not considering negotiation with him directly or accepting his demand to cut the sum you are rightfully due by 33% just because it's finally sinking in that he has to change his spending priority from himself to himself AND his daughter?

If you do agree to settle a sum outside of the CSA, you end up back at square one with having to plead with him directly everytime he misses a payment because he feels he deserves a holiday or new gadget. You end up keeping the communication line open to him, thus opening up a means for him to continue to erode your confidence and question your decision making.

You need the CSA as an intermediary - let him whinge at them, they have far more experience in dealing with angry stingy men than you.

That potential £100 loss is something you will feel more keenly than him as yours is about essentials while his is about the reality of getting to grips with his debts, living in a property whose rent is higher than his means, not stinting on his hobbies, and none of this is your problem.

teawithmilk wrote: »

...

does that sound like he has had a call from CSA?? he has never mentioned specific amounts before.

Yes, perhaps, though I always got the impression that they were a slow bureaucracy. At the very least, it is sounding like the penny is dropping about his financial obligations so perhaps he has performed some research himself. He has finally started to do the maths (and if he finds the cost of replacement key unpalatable, then the 15% of his net income is going to be a shock to his system).

I hope that text clearly illustrates why you need to steer clear of remaining in contact with him, why you need the barrier of a solicitor and the CSA who will firmly protect your rights and firmly insist on his obligations, who will not be influenced by his resistence or mind-games.

NAR

TWM either he has known or looked up his potential CSA liability as is trying to stop you going to CSA. If you are going to reply (your choice) I would tell him him he is too late and that CSA will be in touch with him shortly. He had his chance to make adequate arrangements for daughter but failed to do so, so it is HIS fault that CSA are now involved.

I agree good idea for daughter to receive school counselling, good way for anger/whatever issues out in the open and dealt with.

Your ex undermined and controlled you for 20 years, so of course it will take time to learn how to deal with his comments, but you will get there.

BigAunty

NAR wrote: »

TWM either he has known or looked up his potential CSA liability as is trying to stop you going to CSA. If you are going to reply (your choice) I would tell him him he is too late and that CSA will be in touch with him shortly. He had his chance to make adequate arrangements for daughter but failed to do so, so it is HIS fault that CSA are now involved.

What you state are the facts - taking the ex to the CSA was a last resort after his long-term failure to negotiate a monthly child support payment and his frequent reneging on paying back money owed.

However, I still maintain that any response, however accurate or polite, will be met with a spiteful, wounding and bitter retort.

He had his chance, he has blown it and he's now on a hook he knows that he cannot wriggle off, except by TWMs voluntary withdrawal of the CSA process.

So naturally he is going to target her vulnerabilities in order to get his way because he successfully dominated her during their relationship and, quite fantastically, still manages to intimidate her a year or so after their split. He's actually probably quite confident that she will bend to his will if he harasses her sufficiently.

EDIT - I predict he will threaten to leave his job or go self-employed (or not even tell TWM but do so) in order to sidestep his CSA obligations and attend to his personal debts as that's quite a common strategy by Parents Without Care.

Perhaps the changes required to meet these simple obligations which he detests are simply too unpalatable for him or perhaps his mentality is that he will do whatever it takes so that TWM doesn't 'win'. (We don't regard a sensible monthly sum for essentials for his child as a game to be won but he might).

I believe he already diverts some of his credit issues to his mother's address in order to dodge his debts (forgive me if I've misremembered) so he has form in this area of trying to fly under the radar.

I wonder whether he'll feel he'll just be 'better off' if he gives up employment for self employment, unemployment or a less well paying job and move back to his mother's (particularly as he has lost his domestic slave and primary income when TWM moved on).

The child support board is full of posts from PWC who find the NRP minimises or avoids their CSA obligations by changing their employment or moving elsewhere.

TWM - is he in the type of job that lends itself to self employment? Does he have a good relationship with his mother or another close relative that might have a spare bedroom? Does he have any contacts overseas where he could easily upsticks? This is not a man that knows how to cooperate but is obsessed with how hard-done-by he is.

stripey1969

I don't need to add my advice as the wonderful people above have already said what I would have said, but in a far more eloquent manner. All I will add is: what a massive D*CK your ex is!

teawithmilk

He is a teacher. Very good at presenting a very respectable face and coming across as a professional caring man. Fantastic with other peoples kids. Everyone used to always say how lucky I was and how DD was lucky to have him as a Dad. But this man never even helped her with her homework. She struggled with maths and reading for a very long time but he never had the patience to help her. he just said it was her own fault for not concentrating. That was another reason I decided to leave. I begged him to tutor her and help her with her maths in particular because I dont know the current curriculum (eg chunking) He just got impatient with her and said he wouldnt help her if she couldnt be bothered listening and that it was up to me to get her in the mood for learning and then he might help her. I am not making that up, that is exactly what he said.

His boss and colleagues think he is the "best teacher ever"- well thats what HE says/said...I have never actually met any of his current colleagues.....he has done loads of new initiatives at his school and boasted a lot about it, and even got in the local paper about various stuff he has done with the kids at school...but he couldnt be bothered sitting down with his own daughter and helpng her with long division. ...but I dont think he would pack his job in.

His mum lives 300 miles away. She would take him in if he did pack in his job, she is very soft and he is her golden son. Im sure she hates my guts now. It used to really bother me what his family thought of me as I liked them very much but now I dont really care. So I must be getting tougher.

Just trying to make small progress every day and not beat myself up about it.