Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

Errata

I would go to the police and say, "I left my husband a few months ago and he's not allowing me back in the house for my stuff. I need someone to escort me to help me pick my stuff up as I really worry he will kick off as he has a history of violence."

What would be the point of telling lies to the police?

stripey1969

teawithmilk wrote: »

I need to get back on the case and speak to solicitor on Monday. She will be back from leave. Please keep giving me a boot up the backside about that otherwise I will procrastinate.

Consider this a boot up the backside, TWM - ring your solicitor!

If I'm nervous about something (doing a presentation, ringing a colleague with some news that'll annoy them), I sometimes just roleplay that I'm someone much more cool and collected. It sounds silly I know, but when you text him back about CSA, pretend you're your own PA, sending the text on your behalf!

Dating site bloke sounds nice. Probably not worth communicating with him too much till you've actually met though - a friend of mine was convinced from a couple of hour-long phone calls that she'd met her future husband, but the second she actually set eyes on him she knew she didn't fancy him (shallow bint!) After that though, don't worry too much about "the Rules" - you don't want someone who's a game player, so why would you behave like a game player? Never understood why people try and hide the fact they're attracted to someone, surely it's better to be upfront? xx

teawithmilk

I have sent my solicitor a long e-mail so she should hopefully pick this up this monring when she is back from leave. I will chase up tomorrow if I dont get a reply.

This is what she sent me last year: I guess things havent changed much since then. I just need to know how much she will charge me etc. Yes ideally I would have never bought a house before finances were sorted but I just knew he would never be reasonable and I wanted to get DD sorted and comfortable- which I have actually achieved as she is happy and secure and has started high school OK and thinks our new house is a safe home for herself. I've copied and pasted what mysolictor said this time last year:

Financial Settlement

At the moment I do not know what your husband’s attitude is going to be. From our discussions your aim would be to buy a house, utilising monies that you have been able to save. I do not know whether or not your husband would concede that this was appropriate and simply allow you to get on with it or might say that he is entitled to a share of the savings. I do not know at this time what his position is going to be over the liabilities. Whilst he says they are under control of course I do not know whether or not in the event of a divorce he would be suggesting that you should make a contribution towards them.

What I would suggest is that upon the Divorce Petition being issued, I write a letter to your husband advising him that you have taken this step and suggesting that he secures legal advice so that we can enter into discussions regarding the financial settlement. The normal course would involve you disclosing to him full particulars of your income, capital and pension position, with him doing the same. In other words there is an exchange of full and frank financial disclosure. If it would assist I can suggest that a referral is made to the Mediation Service so that you and he can have discussions within the context of Mediation. If this is an avenue that you wish to explore, then please let me know and I can give you some further information about it.

At the moment therefore I cannot say how quickly the financial side of things will be sorted out because I do not know at this time what your husband’s attitude is going to be. Obviously if he was not minded to attend at Mediation and/or enter into any negotiations or if such negotiations did not produce a settlement and the matter had to proceed to Court, then the timescale is going to be considerably longer than if we managed to reach an agreement. If the matter had to proceed to Court, it could take as long as 12 months for the financial issues to be resolved.

I hope this clarifies the position.

RAS

twm

I would start by suggesting mediation.

If he declines or fails to respond, then simply send a letter in which you offer a clean break with no future recourse to funds by either party except for CMS for your daughter.

If you are lucky he will bite? If he does not respond, then consider a letter repeating the offer but giving a time limit for a response after which you will ask the courts to agree a clean break?

Not sure if that would work but a lot easier than full disclosure?

egoode

From what you have said earlier about how he would hide his finances etc I think the suggestion from RAS may work. He most likely doesn't want to do a full disclosure himself given how secretive you said he's always been about these things.

stripey1969

Yep, if you can make a clean break agreement seem like the most attractive option to HIM, he'll probably go for it without even considering you might have your own reasons for avoiding full disclosure!

BigAunty

justme111 wrote: »

And a couple of words re child support's amount. If he puts direct debit on his account he is unlikely to miss payments even without CSA. I am not a fan of "taking all I am entitled to from a man" position. Damage done can be far greater than benefit. In my own case I get less than a half of what I should in cs. .

I appreciate this is a long thread with the nuggets of her ex's behaviour dispersed across many pages but this is a stingy guy, one in debt due to a sense of lifestyle entitlement and lack of budgeting, one who has forgotten how long TWM subsidised him. He was petty and selfish during the relationship. He has put up many barriers to becoming independent from TWM, anything from being slow to sort out a sole tenancy and taking over household bills after she moved out, to not assisting with the divorce, refusing to discuss a clean break when they originally separated.

I think she will benefit best from an intermediary like the CSA to prevent the type of bullying and stinginess he is capable of.

thorsoak

TWM: as your ex is a teacher, he will be entitled to a pretty good pension.....if you look here:- http://www.deni.gov.uk/index/school-staff/64_teachers-pensionscheme_pg/calculators/teachers_pension_ready_reckoner.htm you might get a rough idea of what he will eventually be entitled to.

If he starts going into finances and complaining about what he has, and has not got, this could give you some ammunition.

I understand that you are still frightened of his reactions - that is understandable after all the years he has brow-beaten you - but he can no longer harm you, and you have to remember this.

teawithmilk

I have a much better pension than him as I have worked since age 21 and mine is final salary. So I have 22 years continuous service. He has been in and out of work and only started teaching at age 28 and then he was unemployed for nearly 5 years while he renovated our house.

So my pension would have a higher value.

I got a reply back from my solicitor. Its quite long and im having to retype it (leaving out names) so bear with me:

As far as a clean break agreement is concerned your ex husband is not obliged to agree to it. I could draw up the appropriate agreement and then send it to him for his signature. I would however have to explain to him that he should secure legal advice before signing it. It would be a matter for him to decide if he sought advice and of course whether or not he signed it. Assuming he signed it without having procured legal advice then it would be a matter for it to be lodged with the court with a view to the district judge making the clean break order. It is likely that if your ex had obtained legal advice then the judge would approve the order without involving an attendance at court by you or him. But if your ex husband has not sought legal advice then it is likleythat the district judge would fix a brief appointment for yourself and your ex husband to appear before him so that the judge could satisfy himself that your ex fully understood the implications of the order.

In considering the clean break order the judge will require a summary of your own and your ex husbands financial circumstances. Again I do not know if your ex would willingly complete the form that would be required.

If your ex was prepared to cooperate in the making of a clean break order you will be looking at costs of betwen 350 and 500 pounds plus vat and the court fee which is 50 pounds. This is an estimate only and not a quote. Costs would be more in the event of your ex not cooperating in completing the consent order.

If he was unwilling to cooperate in a consent order being finalised incorporating the clean break then your application to the court would have to be one for an overall financial remedy. The end result might be the clean break order but it would be more lengthy and expensive and your ex could ask the court to review in general the financial settlement. He could ask the court to look at the level of debt built up during the marriage and what happened to the proceeds of the sale of your house in 2010, pensions and all financial aspects of seperation. If he did this the costs would be anything between 5000 pounds and 7500. plus court fees.

luke_bristol

.I've been with him 20 yrs and his lack of responsibility and "dont care" attitude was funny and interesting and quirky when I was in my 20's but now I can't stand it.

I'm afraid I don't feel a great deal of sympathy for you, but good luck to all concerned.