Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

NAR

teawithmilk wrote: »

Just trying to make small progress every day and not beat myself up about it.

Absolutely pathetic that he would not tutor his own daughter! :mad:

You do right, small steps all in the right direction - away from him! :rotfl: :rotfl:

BigAunty

teawithmilk wrote: »

He is a teacher. Very good at presenting a very respectable face and coming across as a professional caring man. ...

His boss and colleagues think he is the "best teacher ever".....but I dont think he would pack his job in.

His mum lives 300 miles away. She would take him in if he did pack in his job, she is very soft and he is her golden son. .

Looks like his options to pack in a good job and fly under the radar are a lot less restricted than others, though he could always become a self employed tutor which would help him sidestep his obligations if he was vindictive enough to stuff up his pension prospects rather than buy his daughter new shoes ( the child support forum posters make clear that self employment and moving away is the most common dodge for CSA evaders).

Did you ever see the thread posted by a Christian lady in the Debt Free wanabee forum? Her spendthrift unemployed husband (who wouldn't look after the kids on a full time basis as she trained as a nurse and wanted them in childcare at least 2 days a week) also presented a fabulous face to the world. He was adored by the church and local community who considered him an upstanding citizen - he was a keen volunteer for them. He refused to get a job.

Despite the abuse she received and the fact he wouldn't stick to the church designed budget and debt plan (buying himself designer jeans and gloating over it when she was in tears about creditors), the Church urged her to remain with him. Whenever she tried to get him to help her more with the kids and house or spend less, he would walk out on her and sleep in the car, knowing that she was likely to lose her job as she kept on having to take time off to look after the kids at short notice. He always bought her to heel this way.

Anyway, one day their youngest child admitted that the bite mark on his arm was actually from lovely daddy so when she reported this to the Police, a protective order or some kind of injuction obliged him to leave the property. I expect the Church is still applying pressure on her to stay with her husband.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

A teacher thinks he can't afford £300 a month?

Obviously doesn't teach maths, then.

Best defer to the CSA, then. They'll have somebody who knows how to work a calculator to demonstrate how a net salary of around £1700 after maintenance isn't subsistence wages.

BigAunty

How much does he really earn? Anyone would think he was pulling shifts at McDonalds the way he carried on about that lost key.

Salaries for experienced teachers outside London can reach around 35k and then if they achieve practitioner status, up to 57k, plus there are extra bands for certain additional responsibilities and specialisms.

If he's on 30k, his take home pay might be close to 2k per month (depends on pension contributions) though I think the CSA go by gross salary (presumably to stop stingy NRPs from sticking vast sums into pensions, etc). If he's on 40k, that's around 2.5k net.

http://www.education.gov.uk/get-into-teaching/about-teaching/salary/pay-and-benefits.aspx

girlatplay

The 15% that the CSA calculate is based on net weekly wage. If he gets paid monthly they will work out what it should be per month, based on the weekly amount.

lulu_92

jobbingmusician wrote: »

Stop press, major headline '(Almost) teenage girl loses key!' Isn't this the sort of thing kids do all the time? What is he expecting? (Says the adult who loses at least one thing a day, normally on a temporary basis thank heavens).

That made me laugh as my dad absolutely SCREAMED at me once because my key was in my sister's bag and she was 5 miles away. Wouldn't take me to get said key as he wanted to eat his dinner.

teawithmilk

Well DDs phone has turned up. I found it, not her.....It was in a carrier bag with some library books. if she had tidied her room like I had asked her to she would have found it straight away!

Meanwhile on a more serious note I havent answered his text yet about the amounts for CSA. I have two mobiles, one for work and one personal. I usually text him on my personal one but I had to text him yesterday about what time I was picking up DD so I had to do it on my work phone and I told a lie and said my other phone wasnt working. im scared stiff of having to answer him. He still upsets me. I admit I am scared of him and his temper and nastiness and vindictiveness. I still have a lot of stuff at "his" house as I basically walked away with nothing more than bare essentials. Sentimental stuff and nice pairs of shoes, expensive winter boots and clothes etc (I am a female!!) But I know he will just chuck it all out now.

I got the pack through from CSA it didn't really say anything it just said they would be contacting him and would send further information about figures etc.

So I had to text him twice yesterday as there was a bit of confusion about her possibly going round to her best friends house for tea. He took ages to reply which meant that DD missed the chance to go to her friends. He is just playing silly games.

I need to get back on the case and speak to solicitor on Monday. She will be back from leave. Please keep giving me a boot up the backside about that otherwise I will procrastinate.

Anyway DD spent most of yesterday evening in her room which is fair enough as she was playing on her ipad but she came down at one point and said that she had something to tell me. She said that at lunchtime yesterday he said to her that he hated me. He apparently said "I hate your mummy. I really hate her. I hate her more than anything" and DD said "well you must have loved her once as you got married" and then he said "yes i was stupid"

So Im worried now that he is saying such horrible things to her. I really try my hardest not to be critical of him in front of her, and I would never say that I hated him. I don't actually hate him I just want minimal contact with him.

Do you think I should say something to him about his comments to DD? but then if I did he would just have a go at her for telling me.

I've also been getting a bit distracted with this internet dating thing. Need a bit of advice about that too. Met a guy who I have really clicked with, and I'm worried that I might fall for him too quickly. He is the opposite of me, he seems to have a great social life and lots of friends.....I'm worried he might just think I'm not worth bothering with as i have such a quiet life. But my top priority has been DD for the last 12 months and will still be...not going out socialising. Apart from the fact I only have 2 or 3 really close friends not some massive social circle of friends! Im cross with myself as I keep checking my phone for messages from him. My friend says I should play more hard to get but its so nice having someone actually showing an interest in having a conversation with me that I cant help replying as soon as he texts me.

Do you think I should just stop and concentrate on the important things instead of getting distracted with silly stuff?

CH27

teawithmilk wrote: »

Well DDs phone has turned up. I found it, not her.....It was in a carrier bag with some library books. if she had tidied her room like I had asked her to she would have found it straight away!

Meanwhile on a more serious note I havent answered his text yet about the amounts for CSA. I have two mobiles, one for work and one personal. I usually text him on my personal one but I had to text him yesterday about what time I was picking up DD so I had to do it on my work phone and I told a lie and said my other phone wasnt working. im scared stiff of having to answer him. He still upsets me. I admit I am scared of him and his temper and nastiness and vindictiveness. I still have a lot of stuff at "his" house as I basically walked away with nothing more than bare essentials. Sentimental stuff and nice pairs of shoes, expensive winter boots and clothes etc (I am a female!!) But I know he will just chuck it all out now.

I got the pack through from CSA it didn't really say anything it just said they would be contacting him and would send further information about figures etc.

So I had to text him twice yesterday as there was a bit of confusion about her possibly going round to her best friends house for tea. He took ages to reply which meant that DD missed the chance to go to her friends. He is just playing silly games.

I need to get back on the case and speak to solicitor on Monday. She will be back from leave. Please keep giving me a boot up the backside about that otherwise I will procrastinate.

Anyway DD spent most of yesterday evening in her room which is fair enough as she was playing on her ipad but she came down at one point and said that she had something to tell me. She said that at lunchtime yesterday he said to her that he hated me. He apparently said "I hate your mummy. I really hate her. I hate her more than anything" and DD said "well you must have loved her once as you got married" and then he said "yes i was stupid"

So Im worried now that he is saying such horrible things to her. I really try my hardest not to be critical of him in front of her, and I would never say that I hated him. I don't actually hate him I just want minimal contact with him.

Do you think I should say something to him about his comments to DD? but then if I did he would just have a go at her for telling me.

I've also been getting a bit distracted with this internet dating thing. Need a bit of advice about that too. Met a guy who I have really clicked with, and I'm worried that I might fall for him too quickly. He is the opposite of me, he seems to have a great social life and lots of friends.....I'm worried he might just think I'm not worth bothering with as i have such a quiet life. But my top priority has been DD for the last 12 months and will still be...not going out socialising. Apart from the fact I only have 2 or 3 really close friends not some massive social circle of friends! Im cross with myself as I keep checking my phone for messages from him. My friend says I should play more hard to get but its so nice having someone actually showing an interest in having a conversation with me that I cant help replying as soon as he texts me.

Do you think I should just stop and concentrate on the important things instead of getting distracted with silly stuff?

Morning TWM

I would be telling DD to ignore what her Dad says.
Tell her he is just being mean as he isn't getting his own way at the moment. She's old enough to start understanding how he operates.

Errata

Do you think I should just stop and concentrate on the important things instead of getting distracted with silly stuff?

Yes, because silly stuff is exactly that - silly. You left your OH only about a year ago, concentrate on sorting your life out, when that's done you can do the frivolous stuff.

teawithmilk

Thanks. Im just sitting here feeling sorry for myself! Life just seems to be one big battle sometimes. Feel like I dont deserve anything nice which is why im considering packing in this internet dating thing as it all just seems like too much effort and too much game playing about who texts who etc. I really don't want to get hurt. But there's always the possibility that I might meet someone nice. I had a big think about it and I dont think I want to be on my own for the rest of my life. I like this guy I have been messaging but I dont want to come across as too desperate and needy. If he is to believed (and I take everything with a huge pinch of salt) he does sound very nice. He is very funny, he has a strong work ethic (like me) and runs his own business and he seems very mature which is also complete opposite of ex. He can also drive which is a bonus!! that sounds a bit odd but ex never learned to drive so it would be wierd to go out with someone where I wasn;t doing all the driving all the time.

DD knows what her dad is like, I cant help getting a bit angry sometimes and trying to argue my case with her to say that im not so horrible as he has been making out.

She said something lovely the other day. You know that my main aim in buying this house was to make her feel safe and secure and have some stability. She got up late (midnight) to go to the loo which is downstairs (we have a downstairs bathroom) I just happened to be awake and said how good it was that she wasnt scared to go downstairs in the dark. She used to hate the dark....Then she said "but I feel really safe in this house mummy" that meant more to me than anything. My house might need loads of work doing to it and be constantly messy but at least it obviously feels like a safe home for her.