Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

BigAunty

Please don't waste time worrying about his inevitable angry and negative reaction. You have automatic guilty feelings based on years of conditioning where he blamed you for everything and you absorbed a negative pattern of thinking. I hope you break free from feelings of inadequacy and can resist the way he pushes your buttons. As I've recommended before, I think you should resist communicating with him on sensitive issues via text and email and do this via a solicitor or another intermediary.

What strikes me about your ex's behaviour detailed on this thread is a thorough failure to take responsibility (for example, failure to sort out his debts), his policy of non-cooperation (not refunding you his share of the previous household's bills, not partipating in the divorce and final settlement process) and the way he takes the path of least resistence due to his laziness (debts, not finding a new property to move into upon separation but also not bothering to take action to formally take over the existing tenancy).

The sum that the CSA expect from Non-Resident Parents is available at the click of a mouse and you've asked him repeatedly to contribute to his child's expenses. But still he manages to blame you for his ignorance (not ignorance, really, more a matter of shrugging off obligations and his strong belief that his way is the right way).

tayforth

^^^ What you all said.

How are things, TWM?

teawithmilk

...well I havent heard anything yet so I'm assuming he hasnt had any contact from CSA so far.

DD has lost her phone (which he gave her- its his old iphone) so he is going mad about that ranting at me via text message about her being careless. I will have to get her a new cheap PAYG in case it doesnt turn up. She definately had it Friday in the car but Im worried she put it in the door compartment (like a little shelf for putting maps in) and its fallen out when she slammed the door. Yes she is careless but if its lost, its lost and theres nothing I can do. No point ranting at me.

I went to see a counsellor yesterday. I was referred through work as I told my boss I was finding it difficult to cope- after several big rows and fights with DD. I get eight sessions, paid for by work. My main issue is that I am still not coping very well with the anger and bitterness I feel towards him...so I told her all about it yeterday. It did help talking to someone but I ended up in tears as usual. I get angry and frustrated and then end up arguing with DD, especially when she is really cheeky when she comes back from his house, then she argues back and then things get out of hand. We argue over things like her refusing to tidy her room or do as she is told. But im worried we are going to end up hurting each other. Either emotionally or physically. I whacked her bottom the other day and then she started accusing me of being a BAD MUM and I felt so bad. I really felt like a monster.

The counsellor yesterday picked up immediately that I cant stop agonising about doing things too late...for example, I kept saying I shouldve left him years ago etc.

I hadnt thought of that before and I think I do have to stop beating myself up about how I couldve done things differently.

I think these sessions might help me. At least talking to someone will be nice instead of bottling it all up as usual. Or coming here and moaning to you kind people all the time!

But I am dreading the text message or phone call from him.

girlatplay

I'm glad you are seeing a counsellor. It will help you to get someone's opinion who is completely impartial.

The way I get through past mistakes is by using them as lessons. As long as I learn from them and don't make them again then that is a good thing. Yes, you could have done things differently, but you didn't. No amount of wishing and saying it will change it. It is done, learn from it, move on.

Don't answer his text messages or his calls. If he has a problem with anything you have done in favour of your child then he can contact a solicitor to deal with it.

Chin up chick (((hugs)))

NAR

TWM, glad you are finding the counselling sessions helpful. A good way of unburdening to another adult, especially one who is trained to listen and help.

Your DD is a typical girl at that age. Untidy, I bet 99% of parents would tell you the same. Cheeky and back chat, again hormonal girl coupled with dealing with divorced parents with her in the middle (as she sees it). The phone loss, I'm sure thousands have been "lost" by girls that age. Your ex ranting about it is a joke as it was a second hand one for goodness sake.

Keep your chin up TWM. The CSA will be another battle, but one with only one winner - YOU, so just think positively about it. Ignore any rants, unless it is abusive, in which case refer it to solicitor as previously advised.

BigAunty

You've got two choices. Either

1. Total restriction on him contacting you directly.

For example, suggesting that he contacts you via a solicitor only or only contacts you in an emergency (and therefore you never, ever respond back to him to any text or email, after a few weeks or months, he'll get the message).

Quite routinely on this forum, people who receive insulting, angry and manipulative texts and emails are told you block the caller/email address, switch SIM, change their email address. Why don't you?

2. Grow a thicker skin

Learn how to ignore his provocative texts, develop skills in how not to automatically respond to them with fear and panic.

Some people, for example, start crying when people insult them on Twitter while other people could read the same nasty words and merely shrug them off.

Perhaps you can learn this through more counselling or meditation (I am a fan of the latter, it teaches equanimity or emotional balance, it is mental training that means people can learn to understand their automatic thought patterns, develop a way of observing how the mind works and learning how to respond to thoughts without bad physical reactions, not get swept away by them).

Why do you even bother to keep in contact with him? Your solicitor will sort out the final settlement (his greed), the CSA will sort out child support (his stinginess).

Apart from contacting you in an emergency what other debates or negotiations do you need with him? Seriously - teenage girl loses cheap electronic item - and he manages to make you feel very low over quite a routine non-incident?

What does his communications add to your life apart from guilt, anxiety and fear which he deliberately induces? He is a master wind-up merchant - he won't change, that's how he gets his kicks and this is how he is punishing you for having the courage to see him for who he truly is and leaving him to sort out his own mess rather than let you be dragged down with him.

So you have to change - either the physical receipt of comms or your emotional reaction to them.

19lottie82

BigAunty wrote: »

You've got two choices. Either

1. Total restriction on him contacting you directly.


2. Grow a thicker skin


Why do you even bother to keep in contact with him? Your solicitor will sort out the final settlement (his greed), the CSA will sort out child support (his stinginess).

Apart from contacting you in an emergency what other debates or negotiations do you need with him? QUOTE]

This ^^^^^^^

thorsoak

teawithmilk wrote: »

But I am dreading the text message or phone call from him.

TWM: You don't have to read any message/listen to any phone call from him - YOU ARE DIVORCED FROM HIM - YOU ARE FREE! Any message/phone call should be about your DD - so - let her answer any phone call from him (when you and she are at home) - refuse his calls whilst you are at work - it is allowed - you don't have to be nice to him! If he demands to speak to you, tell DD that no, you will speak to him when you are ready. Any text messages should be shown to DD if they are about time with him - any thing else tell him to correspond with your solicitor.

Stop being nice to him - he certainly isn't being nice to you - and its pulling you down. But the counselling will help, and should help you to find the strength that we all know is inside you to get through his shenanigins.

purpleshoes_2

I agree, you are divorced and you shouldnt sitting be dreading phone calls and texts from him. You sound in your head if you aren't free of him yet. I appreciate you have a child together so ideally there should be some contact, but she is old enough to talk to her dad without you having to speak to him

Its not your fault she lost her phone. Hes just a miserable abusive man who takes every opportunity to make you feel bad for things that arent your fault.

BigAunty

I'm worried that after a year plus of separation (forgive me if I'm wrong as I can't check back through all the historic posts), the OPs ex is still such a big negative influence, to the degree where he gets her majorly upset about minor issues and it is affecting her work performance (and therefore carries the risk that she could perhaps lose her job in future if it's not bought under control).

Right now he is managing to drive a wedge between her and her daughter and employer through a few texts or emails - it's an incredible feat on his part.

EDIT - by major upset to minor issues, I mean the way the OPs ex presents small things as if they are a trauma he is being forced to endure, that he over-reacts in order to force the OP into defensive mode when she has absolutely no requirement to justify herself or apologise. He seems to have a superb knack of making her feel sh*t over insignificant matters while feeling that his behaviour is impeachable and even his atrocious attitudes (failing to pay back debts or support his daughter while going on personal spending sprees) aren't recognised.