Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

RAS

teawithmilk wrote: »

DD has lost her phone (which he gave her- its his old iphone) so he is going mad about that ranting at me via text message about her being careless. I will have to get her a new cheap PAYG in case it doesnt turn up. She definately had it Friday in the car but Im worried she put it in the door compartment (like a little shelf for putting maps in) and its fallen out when she slammed the door. Yes she is careless but if its lost, its lost and theres nothing I can do. No point ranting at me.

This is not your responsibility and if he start on text, tell him to talk to her himself.

The BIG advantage of this is that now you can get her the cheap PAYG and it looks good to her and you no longer have to remind him everytime she runs out of credit. Yay!

And DD is near enough Gillick competant for you to hand over any text or calls about contact to her and ask her to deal with dad herself.

tayforth

(((((teawithmilk)))))

Oh, my lovely. I'm sorry to hear that he's been getting to you again. And I'm very glad that you've been offered counselling. It will help you.

I beat myself up too about not leaving sooner, wasting time etc. But the counsellor is right, you can't change it. Your life is your own now, though. And that's the good news. He can't hurt you any more.

I agree with the suggestions that you should do whatever it takes to remove his jibes and taunts from your life.

As for your DD, she is just being a normal adolescent girl, I promise. Not easy to live with, God knows, but I promise it will get better.

Sending you big hugs xxxxx

teawithmilk

I am trying to grow a thicker skin, I truly am. Its difficult after 20 years with him as he knows EXACTLY what to say to put me on edge. I liked my counsellor straight away yesterday as she said that my ex sounded like a k*ob.....well said!

Anyway I am feeling better in general its just these outstanding issues of the clean break and child support to sort out... things can only get better- DD is getting older and soon will not even have to discuss with me when or where she sees her Dad.

Thanks for all your help and support once again. You are my "sensible voice" in my head when I start to doubt myself.

Anyway I have been distracting myself with this internet dating....I met up with that bloke (that I was being unkind about and said was a bit dull) again but we didnt really click at all. I have exchanged e mails by a few others and its nice to feel that someone might actually think Im attractive and or/worth getting to know. Its frustrating when they are messaging you like mad and then it all goes quiet without any explanation.Especialy when they look really nice and you think you might click with them. So I dont want to get hurt. but I guess thats just the nature of silly internet dating. I am finding it fun though, and as long as I dont take it too seriously then it gives me something to do when DD goes to bed!

[Deleted User]

First of all, congratulations for all you have done. I remember this thread when u were stating how unhappy you were with the relationship and agonising over whether you could/should buy a house. Look at you now, in a house, with your daughter and coping very well, starting a new life. Let that strengthen you.

BUT in many ways, you are still reacting to your ex as if you are still together. Letting him push your negative buttons. You aren't living with him anymore, but you are still reacting to him in a similiar way.

So draw strength from all you have done.., take a deep breath and (as others have said) stop letting him push your buttons and 'reacting' to his emails. Don't waste time feeling resentful of everything he doesn't do and should.., use the resources available and make him.., give up on those things that you can't 'make' him do.

You are a winner, not a loser, so behave like a winner. Only pay attention to those things you NEED to..,don't let him continue to press your buttons. Don't reward his bad behaviour otherwise it will never end. If you don't reply to his emails, he will not be rewarded.

Better_Days

OP - you have made enormous progress and changes in your life and in that of your DD in the last year or so to the benefit of you both.

Remember

• You can't change the past so don't waste emotional energy worrying about things you would have done earlier or differently - it is so easy to be wise with hindsight, with perspective and with more information
• You can't change your ex's behaviour - he is responsible for this - so don't waste emotional energy worrying about how he is going to respond - calmly deal with his behaviour as it arises - it is energy sapping worrying about possible outcomes
• You are responsible for how you respond to what happens - so focus on this - it maybe useful to discuss strategies with your counsellor of how best to deal with your ex's machinations, especially if he tries to involve your DD

You are in the process of recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship. It takes time to get on an even keel and there will be inevitable wobbles - but try to keep in mind what you are building with your DD - this is what is important, not your ex and his tantrums.

teawithmilk

Thanks. I thought I was doing OK but I dont think I realise what 20 years with him has done to my self confidence. I think I put myself down all the time without even realising. Mainly because I was always told indirectly by him that I was stupid, didnt know what I was talking about, boring, didnt take care of myself etc. None of which was actually true and it was actually him projecting his bad feelings onto me. Hey that counselling must be doing some good!

One thing that the counsellor suggested was that DD go see someone at school- they have these teachers that are mentors/support the children. The counsellor said that if DD was actally recognising that she felt she needed to talk, and asking to talk to someone independent from the family (which she has on occasion recently) then this was an important step and I should do all I can to get her to open up. DD is quite an amazing child- I know I would say that as Im her mum, but she is so "old" and wise for her age...

I got a strange text message from him last night. He sends me these messages occasionally, which are general rants about DD mainly and I usually ignore them. As well as losing her phone (which is still missing and I fear is actually lost lost and not just misplaced) she has also lost the key to his house..she did this just before the last half term...I think she has just put that somewhere silly though. So he has been leaving a key under a plantpot for her. And then ranting at me by text about her losing stuff. So I said "why dont you just get another one cut for her" I know I shoudnt have even bothered replying but it just seemed so obvious. Get another key cut!! Simple!

If I was still with him it would be me that would be expected to go and get the key cut and pay for it. But its so nice not to have to worry about deaing with his problems anymore.

But then he texted back and said this, which makes me think he might have heard something from CSA.

"Another 7 pounds to get a key cut. Are you going to be demanding 300 a month off me as well? Or can we agree on 200 so it leaves ME some money to spend on and with XXXX"

does that sound like he has had a call from CSA?? he has never mentioned specific amounts before.

Gigervamp

He might have done, or he might have looked it up online.

God, he don't half whine! :rotfl:

With regards your daughter, I think it would be a good idea for her to speak to someone at school. Give the school a ring and ask what help they can offer her.

CH27

I think that it's an excellent idea for your daughter to have someone neutral at school to talk to.

LannieDuck

If he were reasonable, I would say to go for the £200 for the sake of good relations. However, he's proven over and over that he won't pay up what he owes (doesn't he still owe you for some of his bills?!). You don't want to be chasing him every month for money that you know won't come.

(Just in case you were considering his 'offer')

tayforth

I would just stick with the CSA and the £300.

He clearly he isn't reasonable, and you need to know that you have the CSA behind you. Too stressful to be chasing him every month... and besides, that extra £100 a month could be a nice holiday/treats fund for you and DD