Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

NAR

Have to say he sounds a dubious character to me too. For me, back to the drawing board, which has hardly been touched remember xx

DigForVictory

And back to something so familiar, I almost feel a shrew for asking.

Called CSA yet?

(I can't be the only one wondering, but I've less self dicipline about asking.)
Meaning well & wishing you ongoing better luck!

teawithmilk

Well I havent lodged a claim with CSA yet. Ex would have got paid at the end of May so I sent him an e mail this morning saying that I was totally fed up and saying that this was the final straw and I WAS going to CSA. So I shall expect either silence from him or some nasty text messages. Its DDs birthday this month and I will have to pay for some sort of birthday treat for her- e.g. cinema or some other trip out for her and a couple of friends which wont be cheap. I dont begrudge it but it reminds me that he should be contributing.

On the dating front: I think I have joined the wrong site! I joined eharmony and they are supposed to send you "matches" that are compatible. Well they have hardly sent me any, and it doesnt have a search facility on there so you have to just sit and wait until they e mail you. Maybe my profile showed me to be a sociopath or something! and even when they e mail you someone that looks OK and you make the first contact there is no guarantee that the person will answer you. So far I have been fairly proactive and have got talking (via e mail) to about 4 "matches"- ufortunately the one I really liked (who was one of the first that got "sent" to me) just stopped e-mailling me with no explaination. Fair enough. Then another said I looked too much like his ex! then another went in a strop becuase he sent me his number and I didnt text him...I forgot and sent him an e-mail instead of text and he said "I TOLD you to text me...good luck with finding someone" (ie I was dumped!!) but a lucky escape with that one I think!! sounded like a bit of a control freak...

2 of them I am still in touch with and they seem "normal" but they both live miles away (I'm talking 60 miles+!!)

And I did end up meeting up with that bloke that initially let me down..he texted to say he was in the area so we met for a coffee. I just wanted to see what it was like to just meet someone....just as an experiment really to see how it felt.

He was nice but completely different to how he came across in his e mails and texts. This sounds horrible but he was a bit er, dull. My friend at work said that maybe I need dull now that I'm a middle aged old bat. Instead of going for the interesting, arty, dangerous types I used to be attracted to when I was 21!

Anway we had a coffee and he has texted me since then, I think he wants to meet up again BUT he is always busy at work (or married!) and he is allegedly going away to work abroad for a while so I can't see it really developing into anything.

Its so sad for me because all the blokes that I actually like the look of are in their mid thirties and I'm 44 so I need to lower my expectations I think.

God its hard getting old!

tayforth

I'm glad that you met up with that man, TWM. It takes guts to jump back into dating, so well done you.

And see, YOU found HIM dull. So you can move on without wondering if he really was amazing. It takes the mystique away iykwim!

Just take things at your own pace, keep looking, and keep busy at the same time. You're a lovely person, and deserving of happiness.

Also, well done on contacting your ex about the CSA. That's very positive xxx

teawithmilk

Well i've just had a nasty e mail from ex which has worried me. He is now talking about getting legsal advice about the division of the money from our house which we sold in 2010. We split the equity 60/40 (60 pecent to me) at the time because I had been paying the mortgage for five years on my own and had run up big debts when we were renovating the house, so the equity paid off all my debts. BUT he had a lump sum out of it of around 12k which he could have used for settlements on his debts. I think i mentioned this in my very first post.

This is what I sent him:

"Ok another months starts and still no sight of the money which I paid out in good faith for your bills to help you, and no money for XXXX. I got the £100. No more money appeared "10 days later" even though you said it would in the last e maiI I have had to pay for your final BT bill too.

I cannot afford to keep paying for everything for XXXX indefinitely. I buy her everything, clothes, toiletries, food, school lunches, school trip, parties, birthday presents, etc not counting school lunches, uniform, and feeding her 90% of the week.

I am now going to go to the CSA. I have asked you and asked you and you just keep stalling"

then he sent me this back 5 minutes ago:

"If you check texts and emails that was what I said and you agreed to.

You've never actually said what you expect me to be paying for XXX each month.
I appreciate the bills need paid for and can try to pay my share , and I am happy to pay for things for XXXX but not just so that you can decide what to do with it.
I am not very well off myself and it is due to your actions.


You go 'off on one' if you want to.... It is your way! Then I will take legal advice regarding the 'unfair ' division of the money from the sale of XXXX House."



Im so scared he will now start causing trouble and this is why i should have got a clean break agreement but you can see how he is from his e mail.

What should I do??? If I go to the CSA now he will cause troubleOr he might just do that anyway.

girlatplay

TWM, I think you need to go and get legal advice about a clean break agreement. It's obviously going to cost you but surely that is better than worrying every time he makes a threat for the rest of your life? Just get it done.

Regardless of whether he wants to or not he is legally obliged to pay maintenance to you for the upkeep of DD. You are the parent with care so it IS for you to decide what to do with the money. He HAS to pay, it is not a matter of choice.

He is not very well off due to HIS actions, not yours. You didn't force him to spend all his money. That is just something he has popped on the end of the email to make you feel bad and to try to get back some control as he knows it will make you feel bad.

Get legal advice as soon as possible.

teawithmilk

I am so scared now. For the last 6 months I have been gradually relaxing, getting used to my new life and enjoying my new house. Even being silly and starting internet dating. But I have obviously taken my eye off the ball and its come back to haunt me now.

I am never going to be free of his threats. He wont do a clean break agreement. When we were going through the divorvce he didnt even get a solicitor. he wouldnt talk to me. He ignored letters. I had to pay for the whole divorce, thousands of pounds, even though the court awarded me costs (ie said he should pay for it)

He has got to keep all the household goods and furniture, and hasnt even had to move house! its so unfair. And now he might get his hands on the equity in my house which i worked so hard for and i love (in spite of the dog poo lawn!)

and my whole world comes crashing down.

I got legal advice last summer and she said that it would cost thousands to get a clean break agreement. At least £2k and that was even if it was a straightforward job. I dont have that money now. And could I force him to do a clean break anyway?? he never got advice when the divorce was going through.

teawithmilk

The e mail he sent me is exactly how he talks to me. patronising and horrible. He has sent much worse, that is actually quite polite for him.

He is correct in one thing...I have never told him how much he should be contributing for DD becuase he has never offered or offered to discuss it! I have been too focussed on trying to get out of the lease issues and also try and get him to reimburse me for bills I have paid out for him.

I am so angry because I have done so much for him, letting him stay in the house, negotiating with the letting agency, paying his utilities, and all i get is threats from him.

He genuinely has this idea that it is "My doing" and "my fault" that he now has less money than he had before and has to stand on his own two feet. Can you get that vibe from the e-mail he sent?? Thats all he thinks about. He doesnt see that the whole situation was wrong. he doesnt see that i have been incredibly decent to him and have just gone out of my way to make the break up as easy as possible for him, He just thinks that I "did wrong" to him by leaving. I dont know what he thought should happen...that we should stay together, miserable and arguing, me downtrodden and exhausted with no life, until we were pensioners??

girlatplay

I'm not sure as I live in Scotland and the law is different. Did the solicitor you spoke to last summer not tell you if you could force him to do it? Would that solicitor be willing to take payment in instalments? I work in a law firm and I know that we are willing to take payment in instalments when we know our clients can't afford to pay outright.

I'm sure, earlier in your thread, people were telling you it was unlikely that you would have to sell your house as it is DD's home. You could put aside some money and by the time DD moves out, you would have a sum to give him so you still wouldn't have to sell. Apologies if I have that wrong, I am saying this from memory.

It is his concern if he didn't get legal advice during the divorce. If he does now want to take legal advice about the sale proceeds from 4 years ago then you may well have to instruct someone to act on your behalf anyway.

Can you find out what is happening with the costs you were awarded for the divorce? You obviously haven't had them yet.

Were any of the debts you paid off from the equity for renovations?

Finally, if you were getting money from him for DD's maintenance like you are supposed to then you would have money of your own left over to pay for further court proceedings if necessary.

girlatplay

Is is not the case that he now has less money because he actually has to pay for the things you were paying for before? He was living the life of Riley while you were paying all the bills and sorting everything out with a small contribution from him. So actually, he has just hit reality and he doesn't like it. All of us would have more money if we just paid someone a nominal sum each month and blew the rest of our wages on whatever we wanted. I want the life of Riley!

Remember, although you are a few months down the line, this is all still relatively new to you. The key word here is "months". You are just getting on your feet and starting to enjoy your life.

I would just ignore him from now on. I would only speak/text/email if I had to about DD and nothing else. I would make an application to the CSA. I would completely blank him when he gets the claim and starts his nonsense. He is a grown up who has to deal with life now.