Separated, how much should I provide?

Lunar_Eclipse

JackRS wrote: »

My difficulty is that my daughter has loyalty to her mother, probably more than to me so if I did tell her it could be passed on and used against me in terms of knowing my weakness in negotiation and timing. For example if she believes I want agreement before going to final hearing then she will hold out with her proposal etc...

She will be loyal to both of you. Try to remember that even if it doesn't feel like it.

According to a recent hypothetical discussion in our house, my children would elect to live with me if DH & I separated. By all accounts they are more loyal to me. And perhaps they are, but it in no way lessens the importance of their relationship with him. There will be an element of your ex being the victim in their eyes, because the separation was your decision. And sadly, you can't change that but you can let them know it wasn't an easy decision and it has cost you dearly, more than you realised at the time.

I think you are right not to communicate certain aspects to your daughter, but it's also okay that she knows you're not super human and you are so broken (and broke!) that you will have to go to final hearing. Don't make her think otherwise!

harrys_nan

Oh Jack, my heart goes out to you, that was a very sad and moving post from you.
I cannot believe what a money grabbing cow your ex is, she make me feel ashamed of her and I don't even know her.

I cannot give any advice re legal stuff, but I can send you a (((((hug))))).
There will be a day when this is all over for you and you are living your life again,You will get over this no matter how you feel at the moment and like lot's of others have said, you do sound a very decent guy. Nothing but blue skies and sunshine waiting for you, just wait and see.
Please stay strong and take care of your self

ampersand

Jack, it's been said before - print and keep this Thread.
#
It is part of your children's heritage.

LilElvis

JackRS wrote: »

Nobody would be interested insomeone with my mind set right now, talk about baggage and inability to trustsomeone. I guess it’s still early daysand maybe in time I will feel more positive about the future, but whatever theoutcome of the settlement I know I will feel bitter and angry. I wasn’t comfortable with my final offer buteven that’s not been accepted.

Sorry people went on a ramble there, just feeling very low butat the same time angry with myself for feeling that way as I should be ‘countingmy blessings’.

No reply from solicitor yet in terms of updating my responseletter.

Hi Jack,

I'm yet another forum member who has read the whole of this thread but has never commented before as I would only have been repeating the practical advice and emotional support you already have from others.

Your post this morning stopped me in my tracks though. You sound just like my (now) husband when I first met him 14 years ago. He was similarly bitter and angry after losing the home he had solely paid for in order to give the bulk of his money to his ex-wife. He was living in a dreary rented bungalow only a few doors away from the large house he had once owned - a daily bitter reminder of what he had lost. He had cut himself off from his friends, spending his time brooding, drinking too much and doing little except work. The first 6 months of our relationship was far from the usual "honeymoon period" as we were both very damaged people emotionally. So instead of enjoying ourselves we spent too long looking for disappointment and anticipating rejection. We both stormed out, ranted, finished it ..... acted like children. Eventually we realised that we could trust each other, that we were never going to treat each other as we had been by our ex-partners, that we had to look to our future together and not look backwards. We've rarely had a cross word since, and certainly no childish "testing" of our commitment to each other. 14 years later he is the man I could see through the chinks in the armour he wore to protect himself - we have a house bigger than the one he lost, a beautiful daughter and a happy life together. The ex-wife? Not heard from her in nearly a decade, though we know she blew every penny of her settlement on all sorts of nonsense, and neither of us care.

I know that 14 years ago my husband would have given a sarcastic laugh if he had been told that his life would turn around and that he would learn to trust, and love, again. I don't expect that what I have written will lift your mood given that your life is still effectively in a state of limbo, but I hope that it will cast a small chink of light in the darkness.

Good luck, and you can add me to the very many readers here who are silently supporting you on your journey, hoping for an equitable resolution and a renewal of your relationship with your children.

victory

JackRS wrote: »

I do feel so verydown about everything, it seems no part of my life is bringing me anysatisfaction or pleasure. I’ve been to counselling,I know the drill of self coaching, finding the positives, just like I do when Ispeak to others. Yesterday I was talkingto a guy at work who was telling me of the stress and pressures of his work. So what do I do, I say well we know there isan alternative that we don’t want to think about. Think of your peers at uni, how many of thoseare not in a stable job using the skills you have developed. I said to him you are just like me you worryabout all the things you haven’t done and don’t recognise what you haveachieved. He got my point and thanked me but I know he didn’t reallyfeel any better about his lot. Counsellors tell you, in myexperience, that it’s a choice as nobodyelse can make you feel the way you do in reaction to your circumstances. It’s all about your perception and that comesfrom your life experiences. My lifeexperiences to date make me feel very sad and hopeless for the future. I have no interest in anything as my mind isfull of many other things, the things I used to do and enjoy I don’t anymore. I force myself to do things but Ioften regret it.

Obviously the divorce, how long it’s taking, how much it’scosting and how little I’ll be left with to start again is a crushing forcethat is the foundation to my mood. Thereare other aspect to my life which I haven’t written about as they are toocomplex and not appropriate here but these have a bigger bearing on my mood andmental state. I know what I need to do isto coach myself through this, just like I know what I need to do to get theother aspects of my life back on track, yet I don’t seem to have the willpowerto do these things. I know I have achoice, to get on with it or just wallow in the tragedy which I also know isnothing compared to what so many have to contend with in their lives. I’m just being sad, miserable and feelingsorry for myself, waiting for somethingto happen to pull me out of it but that won’t happen I have find the path outof this. Nobody would be interested insomeone with my mind set right now, talk about baggage and inability to trustsomeone. I guess it’s still early daysand maybe in time I will feel more positive about the future, but whatever theoutcome of the settlement I know I will feel bitter and angry. I wasn’t comfortable with my final offer buteven that’s not been accepted.

Sorry people went on a ramble there, just feeling very low butat the same time angry with myself for feeling that way as I should be ‘countingmy blessings’.

No reply from solicitor yet in terms of updating my responseletter.

JackRs- you can feel however you want to feel, so you feel angry and bitter and negative and all the negatives, as well you know it is pointless and defeatest but it is you, your mood, the way you have managed to get through it all, you is you and there is only one of you, if you feel the need to scream or cry, counselling or read a 'so called life changing book' anything is fine and nothing is wrong to feel or do.

The trick is wallow in it, let it engulf you, really feel it and give it time because it will make you stronger, it does make you a better more compassionate, understanding, patient and tolerant person, all the negatives have a habit if you see to them to turn themselves into good positives.

So you feel horrendous now, do not let it define you, what you, your family, your children all of you have had to go through to get to today is emotionally draining, time consuming and difficult but this is just a very small part of your life, of what defines you as a human, what has made you into JackRs.

Everyone from professional counsellors to the do good books to online help, offer words of wisdom/help/support/positivity/strength/sympathy/empathy, but in the dark of night there is only you and your thoughts, your mood and your coping mechanism.

You will get through this, they all say that but you will, time is a great healer and what does not kill you makes you stronger, you are made of stronger sterner stuff and you know you have a million and one positives well after this negative glitch of time has subsided, your children will return to you, that will improve, your job is still there, you have family and friends and many many decades left ahead of you of happiness.

I have always wished you well from the moment you started this thread and no one would have been able to predict that such a long time later this was still not concluded but it will be, it really will be and the pride within yourself that you will walk away from this with your head held high and your dignity intact will be priceless.

I remain very proud of you, the way you have handled yourself deserves great acknowledgement.

JackRS

LilElvis wrote: »

Hi Jack,

I'm yet another forum member who has read the whole of this thread but has never commented before as I would only have been repeating the practical advice and emotional support you already have from others.

Your post this morning stopped me in my tracks though. You sound just like my (now) husband when I first met him 14 years ago. He was similarly bitter and angry after losing the home he had solely paid for in order to give the bulk of his money to his ex-wife. He was living in a dreary rented bungalow only a few doors away from the large house he had once owned - a daily bitter reminder of what he had lost. He had cut himself off from his friends, spending his time brooding, drinking too much and doing little except work. The first 6 months of our relationship was far from the usual "honeymoon period" as we were both very damaged people emotionally. So instead of enjoying ourselves we spent too long looking for disappointment and anticipating rejection. We both stormed out, ranted, finished it ..... acted like children. Eventually we realised that we could trust each other, that we were never going to treat each other as we had been by our ex-partners, that we had to look to our future together and not look backwards. We've rarely had a cross word since, and certainly no childish "testing" of our commitment to each other. 14 years later he is the man I could see through the chinks in the armour he wore to protect himself - we have a house bigger than the one he lost, a beautiful daughter and a happy life together. The ex-wife? Not heard from her in nearly a decade, though we know she blew every penny of her settlement on all sorts of nonsense, and neither of us care.

I know that 14 years ago my husband would have given a sarcastic laugh if he had been told that his life would turn around and that he would learn to trust, and love, again. I don't expect that what I have written will lift your mood given that your life is still effectively in a state of limbo, but I hope that it will cast a small chink of light in the darkness.

Good luck, and you can add me to the very many readers here who are silently supporting you on your journey, hoping for an equitable resolution and a renewal of your relationship with your children.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, it is a massive help and support. Every situation is different and has it's challenges but your story does show that there is hope and light may come along one day.

*max*

You poor love. Another lurker here. It's perfectly normal to feel down right now, you wouldn't be human if you didn't! You have well and truly gone through the mill, and yet you've managed to remain civil, rational, and patient - and you've kept your sense of humour!

I know it doesn't feel like it, but there is an end to all this in sight! You WILL get through it, and you WILL be happy once again. I just know it.

I wish I could take you out for a pint of two, listen to some live music, cheer you up even for a night! x

JackRS

victory wrote: »

JackRs- you can feel however you want to feel, so you feel angry and bitter and negative and all the negatives, as well you know it is pointless and defeatest but it is you, your mood, the way you have managed to get through it all, you is you and there is only one of you, if you feel the need to scream or cry, counselling or read a 'so called life changing book' anything is fine and nothing is wrong to feel or do.

The trick is wallow in it, let it engulf you, really feel it and give it time because it will make you stronger, it does make you a better more compassionate, understanding, patient and tolerant person, all the negatives have a habit if you see to them to turn themselves into good positives.

So you feel horrendous now, do not let it define you, what you, your family, your children all of you have had to go through to get to today is emotionally draining, time consuming and difficult but this is just a very small part of your life, of what defines you as a human, what has made you into JackRs.

Everyone from professional counsellors to the do good books to online help, offer words of wisdom/help/support/positivity/strength/sympathy/empathy, but in the dark of night there is only you and your thoughts, your mood and your coping mechanism.

You will get through this, they all say that but you will, time is a great healer and what does not kill you makes you stronger, you are made of stronger sterner stuff and you know you have a million and one positives well after this negative glitch of time has subsided, your children will return to you, that will improve, your job is still there, you have family and friends and many many decades left ahead of you of happiness.

I have always wished you well from the moment you started this thread and no one would have been able to predict that such a long time later this was still not concluded but it will be, it really will be and the pride within yourself that you will walk away from this with your head held high and your dignity intact will be priceless.

I remain very proud of you, the way you have handled yourself deserves great acknowledgement.

Thank you so much for your kind words and positive outlook it is a great comfort.

beanielou

Why should you be counting your blessings?
Life has currently dealt you a duff hand & there is no getting away from that.
All I can say is keep plodding & dont be too hard on yourself.

Gigervamp

Dear Jack,
Don't feel guilty about feeling so depressed when others are going through "worse" situations.
You have every reason to feel the way you do.

I know (as I'm sure many of us here do) the dark place you find yourself in, how it feels like you're wading through treacle and you can't see the light that everybody says is there.
But, it *is* there, and you WILL find it, eventually. All you need to do for now is just. keep. breathing.

Jools x